REMA broke up with Esther.

There was an explosive fight, a frustrated reminder of their situation- Esther's inability to keep between a two person relationship, that Rema, who Esther reminded, agreed when they first got together, and the inevitability reunited conclusion of two people who have determined their boundaries, laid them what they want from each other, and realized that it didn't meet halfway.

Since then, Esther had disappeared off of everyone's radar for a few days now.

Claudia and I, of course, had it as a topic.

Radio silence from Esther's end was not uncommon; but this was the first time it came after a terrible event. There was always a ball waiting to drop at the end of it.

"Thank you so much," I said, balancing the phone between an ear and a shoulder, paying with a good tip for my sandwich. It was my favorite bodega- a frequent pit stop after a good day in the garment district.

The sub is hot to the touch, covered in foil, and I keep all my new fabrics safe from it by shoving a lot of my new purchases up my arms and elbows while I hold my food almost to a scarecrow degree of arms forward.

"What'd you get?" Audie asked through the call. I pivoted and prepared to cross the street.

"The Doug Sub. Shit ton of pastrami and shit ton of the good sauce."

"Ugh. The good sauce. I should've told you to get me some and meet you halfway."

I snorted. "You have a thesis to finish."

"Boo. I have to fight people for a private spot in the lib, while you prance around in the city buying fabrics, getting nice food, hitting up at Central Park. I am still in my workout clothes. I have no normal clothes because I have no time for laundry. I can't even look cute for the cute librarian. It is hell here. Why didn't I become a fashion student again?"

"Because your ambitions lie elsewhere."

"Fuck Business Ad."

I laughed, stopping just in time when a man rushed in front of me. On his phone, a coffee in his hand, rapidly side-stepping past everyone. "New Yorkers do as New Yorkers will."

It's only 2 miles to and fro, and I was used to the walk. I enjoy it even. The days I dedicate to getting supplies, I make a day of it. The route was a familiar beaten path. The city, at its center, was alive and loud at every hour. It never gives you the same day twice, even when it's a route you can read like the back of your mind.

I love it.

"I'm from Brooklyn, bitch."

I smirked. "That's not New York and you know it."

"Fuck you, weren't you born in Seattle?"

We choked through laughter. I reached the park not long after. A cart on the edge of the entrance caught my eye, and I almost bought a hot coffee- same thing as I usually do, coffees are fuel, less of a choice and more of a reaction - but my eyes found hot chocolate in the choices, and I was buying one.

As I tried to find a good spot, taking sips here and there, the prevalent thought that it didn't taste as good as the one Bucky made- I fixed my things and sat on the softer side of my canva bag, ensuring I'm not sitting on something important.

"There, I'm all done." I sighed. A puff of cold air marked the cool wintry gaze. Though rare in this weather, I wasn't the only one who thought it was still a good idea to linger in the park. "I have this strong feeling that Esther's going to call us to get drunk soon though."

"Me too." Audie sighed. "But I have a thesis. And you have your Gettys thing."

"Like we'd ever not help her through it." I started peeling my foil, taking a massive bite of the sub. God. Good pastrami with the perfect sauce, done right.

"Like she'd ever not give us a choice."

"You say that as if you won't be the first one rushing if she calls." I took another bite and moaned. "God."

"What?"

"You know that feeling when you're already eating the thing, but at the same time, because you're consuming it and there's not going to be anymore after, you're already missing the thing? That's me and that sub right now. I'm having a poignant moment."

"Fuck you, Nadine Lynch."

"If I walk back and buy you one, will you forgive me?"

"Maaaaaybe. By maybe, I mean definitely, go buy me one when you get back, please, so it's as fresh as it could possibly be. But back to topic. By topic, I mean our unfortunate best girl." A shuffle. "Esther should also realize this happened for a reason. Rema had been a big sport about the whole poly thing for so long, but even she knew this isn't what she wanted.

"And though Rema did agree initially, Esther kept flirting with new girls that Rema had no knowledge of, past the roster she already had. You can't really blame her by that point. It's one thing to know and understand your girlfriend has other girlfriends, it's another to find out she's also hooking up with others past that."

The need to defend Esther brought out the words, "But Rema knew what she was getting into. That's Esther's point. There was an agreement. Esther had always been honest and forthright with the fact that she can't commit to one person. I understand Rema's point, but Esther had never lied about how she felt about monogamy and her honesty. She had always been honest."

"But Esther knew this isn't what Rema wanted. In the end, all Rema asked is for Esther to at least be faithful for her and the girls she did know about. Every weekend, she was off hearing about at least one new fucking hookup."

"That was super shitty," I agreed, cleaning my lips from the special sauce. "It just really sucked that they both knew this isn't what they wanted, Rema wanting to be the only one, Esther always wanting more, and still thought it's a good idea to be together despite it. To try. All of this heartache could have just been avoided if they stayed better clear of their boundaries."

There was a point of hesitance in Audie's voice before she spoke again. "... Yeah, but Naddy, that's what love is. You'd always want to try."

It irked me. It felt like a needle on an old scar burn. Though it is old, it holds itself in weight.

"Even the odds are so clearly against you both? When you know that you'll hurt the other person? I didn't realize love had a toll to pay, and that it would be emotional capacity."

Audie sounded protective, maybe a little hurt. Maybe a little pity. "Sometimes, there are odds that you can fight for, you know?"

I placed my sub on my lap, sighing. "Are we still talking about Esther and Rema?"

"...No."

"I don't want to talk about it, Claudia."

I love her to bits- maybe even after Ross - but we both viewed love so differently. We viewed stakes and casualties, the same way. To me, no trouble was worth having you crumpled to a corner, dry heaving, trying to make sense of left and right was worth anything. That fear was enough of a warning to keep your head clear, and your sleeves fresh off the bloody trail of your own goddamned heart.

But Claudia, despite having gone through the same amount, if not more, of heartbreak and betrayal and ugly, ugly bets that never panned- she never stopped trying. She loved beautifully and freely, and though I have always loved how much love made her so exquisite, it always hurt more to see her in despair afterward.

"No, but you can make plans with Ross," she muttered bitterly.

"Did Ross tell you?"

She snorted. "Ross didn't tell me shit! But you can't really expect me to believe that this sudden romantic dance between the two of you wasn't a projected reaction from you. I know you better than that Naddy darling- bet, I know you both better than that. Ross is safety when you need to hide being projected off axis."

I blinked, feeling as if Claudia had physically knocked the bejesus out of me. "God, Audie. Say it like you mean, why don't you?"

She giggled nervously. "You know I always will. I love you like that. We're both pass the prime of bullshit, especially to each other."

I groaned with a palm to my face, trying not to glare at the softly moving trees, the joggers who were lost in their playlists. "Am I that obvious? Why can't it be Ross?"

"I'm playing by ear. Considering there's no one that is in Ross' axis- that I know of - that's pitched him to a new universe, I'm putting my good bets on you, and I'm always right so..."

I laughed, though I sounded breathless even to my own ears.

There was a lingering silence, a picture of carefully choosing words to string together and present. I felt a pinch of anxiety as I waited, playing with my fingers to keep myself from sounding like a cracked pot spilling.

"You're sweet on him, Naddy," she said carefully, the him, we both know, was not Ross. "There's that sweetness that comes from friendship, that comes from familiarity, the ease, but also that attraction that you hold in every other boy that's taken your fancy. It's noticeable because it's different. Because though it's not the first time you've ever taken a liking to someone, it's the first time you're careful."

"Because he's my friend," I stressed the word like I'm holding a shield to a parry.

"Exactly." The worst thing about it was that Claudia didn't sound like she was needling. There was a hint of pity that made me want to find a hole and bury myself in it. "It makes him different. Because the attraction is deeper since the stakes are higher."

"That is not true," I weakly defended.

"Okay," Claudia said, disbelieving to both our ears.

"It doesn't necessarily mean I should do something about it," I said instead. "And you don't have to tell me I'm not making good decisions. I know I'm not making the best of decisions. Anyway, nothing on my end matters. He's already dating someone."

"What?!"

I laughed, more air than sound. I checked the edge of my hair, making a mental note that I'll need to go to a salon soon. And maybe get some highlights. And maybe if I act casually, I'll feel casual. "Yeah. Someone from campus. I don't... actually know if she goes to the school, I don't think so? I think she's older, recently graduated. She part times at a coffee shop close by. It's how they met."

"Well shit... I didn't know that. A girlfriend? Really?" She sighed. "I'm so sorry, Nads."

"That's so silly, what's there to be sorry about?"

"Well... you know why."

"It's okay. I'm okay."

"So the thing with... Ross?"

"Is still on. I like it. It's nice. It's simple." It's easy. I could breathe. There were no exes, no close to homes, no problems. But all of those words were left to air to pick up and realize.

"It is. I mean, I was also pro-Ross and Naddy. Friends to lovers have always been cute. It's a classic."

I snorted. "Thanks. I'm so glad you've broke down my relationship to a trope. So you know. I'm okay."

"Right..."

"The unsupportive response is not helping, Claudia."

"No, no! Just got distracted... So." She cleared her throat, hoping for a chirper tune. "Any thoughts on your Gettys project?"

"I'll be wearing it. That's all I have so far." I sighed as I checked through my fabrics. "I have too many designs in my head and none of them is just... hitting it right, you know? Like it's really telling me, 'yep, that's Getty's'. It's a little overwhelming but I'm not stressing too hard about it. I have time and I'm confident. I just need to focus and plan everything, and you know how inspirational it is to just walk in the fashion district. How's your thesis?"

"I'm actually... about to head in, I hope everything works out well for your Gettys look, send me pics when it's done, alright? Love you, love you, bye!" There was running, a curse under her breath, before the call clicked. I laughed. The abrupt goodbye made the heavy conversation lighter by miles.

I switched through social medias, scrolling idly, liking a few pics, before I booted up one of my thirty something playlists and my earphones, putting the phone on dnd, then pulled my sketchbook and pencil. I inhaled deeply, letting myself get lost in the song, humming the lyrics. The hot chocolate lingered on my tongue, too sweet for my taste, and didn't give the same warm comfort as Bucky's did.

The creepy of nerves and ugly thoughts pulled and taunted at my chest, grew on the edges like a demanding forest to an abandoned house, and I breathed.

There was a point, in ruthlessly falling in love without your consent, when kindness and sweetness were nothing more than friendship, that you have to separate thought and emotion, that you have to put yourself at the end and say okay. That's enough.

I liked Bucky Choi, enough to fall in love. That was true. I could concede to that thought now.

I knew I liked him enough to peek through the curtains and see where we would have ended up with, if I let myself go, if there was no history with Ella Ambrose, if there was no insecurity, if- if, if, if, so many of them like prepared soldiers, waiting to batter my walls and bring down doom and anxiety.

But this was the path we took- this was where we are, and you can't pine for someone who was already looking at the future with someone else.

And I felt myself exhale, because her existence- for the life of me, I regret not asking Bucky her name - brought clarity.

I took what semblance of heartbreak I got from it- realizing really is the devil - and I pulled myself together; quietly and consistently. I took my pencil and started sketching until I felt less like a raw wound and more like a person.

Just like I've always done.