SSFY 22

Lumabas muna ako sa parang garden ng function hall dahil napapagod na ako kumausap ng kung sino-sino, nakakapagod pala ginagawa ng mga mayayaman ano?

Nakatayo lang ako at humalukipkip ako habang nakatingin sa tubig na nilalabas ng fountain dito.

"Hey." I heard Uno's voice in a soft tone.

Napatingin ako sa kaniya and gave him a small smile. "Are you okay?" tanong niya at tumabi sa akin habang tinitignan din ang fountain sa harap namin na napapalibutan ng mga bulaklak.

"Uhm, sakto lang," sagot ko. Kahit gaano pa ata katagal hinding-hindi ako natatahimik kapag nababanggit ang Mama ko, I want to get over this already nakakapagod na.

Gusto ko na umusad sa buhay ko pero sa phase na iyon ayaw talaga.

Hindi ko kaya magpanggap na okay ako kaya nagpapasalamat ako na tahimik lang si Uno sa tabi ko.

"Uno," I called, tumingin siya sa akin at inantay ang kasunod na sasabihin ko.

"You think ako na lang hindi nakakausad?" Kumunot ang noo niya at humarap sa akin.

"What do you mean?" I sighed, hindi ko dapat sa kaniya sinasabi ang lahat nang 'to dahil nasaktan ko siya noon dahil dito pero feeling ko kasi alam niya kung ano ang sasabihin dahil alam naman niya kung ano bang nangyari sa akin.

"I mean, my father already accepted everything, my mother has a family already they are all okay, ako na lang ang hindi." Inalis ni Uno ang ilang hibla ng buhok na napunta sa mukha ko at tinignan ako sa mga mata ko.

"Hindi naman ibig sabihin na okay na sila ay magiging okay ka na rin, that's what you feel, you own that so just take your time in healin, Ada," he said.

"As long as you're trying, you'll get there, wala naman time limit 'yon. You are their child, it's really harder for the children kapag nagse-separate ang mga magulang." I felt pain inside my chest as I was listening to what he is saying kahit na nasaktan ko siya, pinapagaan niya pa rin ang loob ko.

Where did I get the courage to hurt this man in front of me? Why?

That day was still so clear in my memory, that night 7 years ago, when I broke his and my own heart.

We are going home that time from La Union, tahimik akong nakatanaw sa bintana kahit na ramdam na ramdam ko ang pasulyap ni Uno sa akin habang nagmamaneho ng sasakyan.

"I'm going back to Manila after," sambit niya. I don't know what to answer him and I also don't know what to do with that information.

We both knew that we have something to talk about but I was afraid, ayokong sabihin niya kung ano man ang nasa isip niyang sabihin sa akin.

I'm afraid I wasn't ready kaya mas okay na 'wag na lang pag-usapan iyon.

We remained silent pero ramdam na ramdam ko si Uno and it's breaking my heart, alam ko na inaantay niya lang ako at gusto niya talaga akong kausapin.

Hindi ako tanga, I know for sure that we already have feelings for each other and I know na alam niya rin iyon.

I was guilty that I became so selfish that I wanted to run away with him and then wala naman pala akong balak na panindigan.

It was happy until it last, until it wasn't anymore.

We stop in front of our house, the house was quiet ang maririnig mo lang ay mga ibon at kuliglig, lalong hindi nakatulong sa sitwasyon.

It was dark outside, walang gumalaw sa amin at nagsalita. Tinignan ko siya and he was already looking at me. I could sense pain into his eyes kahit wala pa man ding nangyayari pero sa sitwasyon naming dalawa alam naman na namin kung ano mangyayari, mukhang iniiwasan na lang din namin.

Mas okay na lang minsan na iwasan ang lahat, madali lang sana kung balik na lang kami sa dati pero alam kong imposible na 'yon.

"Ada, is there something you want to talk about?" mahinang tanong ni Uno na para bang hirap na hirap siyang banggitin iyon.

Parang kanina lang ang saya saya namin, who would have thought we'll both end the day like this.

He cupped my face and caressed my cheek and look straight into my eyes. "Please tell me that it's not what I'm thinking." Hindi ko alam kung anong naiisip niya pero matalino siya malamang ay nararamdaman niya ako, kung anong say ko sa aming dalawa.

Hindi ako sumagot, he looked at me with so much intensity and longing. He held my face and unti-onti niyang sinasara ang pagitang naming dalawa hanggang sa napapikit na lang ako nang maramdaman ko ang labi niya sa akin.

He angled his face to kiss me better, and it really made me feel like I don't want to stop, I felt the electricity all over my body. I responded to his kisses because I wanted to but I was just too sad about our situation that a tear fell from my eye at mukhang naramdaman ni Uno iyon kaya tumigil siya.

Hindi niya inilayo ang mukha niya mula sa akin tinignan niya lang ako nang malungkot. "Adria, I like you." At narinig ko na nga ang bagay na ayoko sanang marinig, dahil gulong-gulo pa ako sa nararamdaman ko.

"I really do but I could wait," he painfully said while still looking straight into my eyes. Pinunasan ko ang pisngi ko bago ako umiling.

I swallowed so hard as I hold his hand at inalis iyon mula sa pagkakahawak sa pisngi ko. "You can't like me Uno," I said bago ako bumaba ng sasakyan at hindi siya nilingon.

Dahil baka kapag lumingon ako maging selfish nanaman ako, sobrang unfair kay Uno.

Pagpasok ko ay walang tao mukhang nasa kwarto na niya si Manang Tess at hindi inaasahan na uuwi na ako ngayon. Tumakbo ako papunta sa kwarto ko at sinilip sa bintana kung andoon pa rin si Uno.

Tuloy-tuloy na tumulo ang luha ko nang makita siya na nasa labas ng sasakyan at nakasandal doon.

He's looking up at our house with so much sadness on his face, agad kong sinara ang kurtina ko dahil baka tumakbo lang ako papunta sa kaniya.

Gusto ko siya pero masyado akong takot, marami pa akong iniisip at issue sa buhay ko na hindi ko alam kung kailan matatapos.

Ayoko siyang idamay, ayoko na araw-araw iisipin ko na baka isang araw iiwan ko rin siya at mararamdaman niya lahat ng naramdaman ng tatay ko.

Kung nasisikmura ni Mama maging masaya without even having a closure with my dad after their annulment, ako hindi.

I don't want to overthink, iba si mama at iba ako but kung gaano iyon kadali isipin gano'n iyon kahirap gawin.

Alam ko na duwag ako, I couldn't be brave, I just couldn't and I feel sorry for Uno that we are in this situation where I couldn't even give in to him.

Where I couldn't even be with him.

After that night, Uno didn't contact me and I didn't too. We needed the space, it was too much for us.

I also cried so hard to my Dad kasi I really feel sorry for him, that he doesn't deserve any of it and what hurt me the most is that he smiled at me and told me that it was okay.

Na alam na niya na balang araw mangyayari at mangyayari din na magpapakasal si Mama sa iba and that she would start a new family again.

Matagal na niyang tinanggap pero I wasn't like that, hindi ko pa rin tanggap kahit ilang beses ko isipin na wala naman na akong magagawa.

I spent my last days in Ilocos na nasa loob lang ako ng kwarto at lumalabas lang ako kapag kakain na, I was hurt like that and I can't stop thinking about Uno too until it was time to go back to Manila.

I tried so hard to not bump into Uno at school, I wasn't ready to see him baka maiyak lang ako. I didn't even know that I like him to this extent, I never thought I'll cry for him, it was all new to me, lahat ng pinaramdam niya sa akin.

Nagpakasubsub lang ako sa pag-aaral at paggawa ng plates, I was barely living, I just wanted that to end para maging Architect na ako.

Iyon na lang ang nasa isip ko habang napasok ako. Pangarap na lang ang natira sa akin.

Pangarap na maging arkitekto, when originally I wanted to be an artist like my mom pero pati iyon kinuha niya.

Leaving us made me hate all about my mom, ayoko maging katulad niya sa kahit anong aspeto at doon nabuo ang bago kong pangarap.

It was the day of submission of my major plate and it was also the day na pinakainiiwasan ko, Uno saw me.

Hinatak niya ako papunta sa likod ng school, I still saw the familiar eyes I saw when I left him in the car back when we were in Ilocos.

"I waited Adria, like what I told you pero 'wag mo naman akong takbuhan," his voice almost broke when he said those words.

"Nakikita ko kung paano mo ko iwasan, and I gave it to you, hinayaan kita because I knew you needed time and space plus may mga requirements ka pa but now that it's done please talk to me already." Hindi ako makatingin sa mata niya, nakayuko lang ako at pinaglalaruan ang daliri ko habang lumulunok ng matindi dahil sa luhang nagbabadiya sa mga mata ko.

"Adria, hindi pa nga tayo nagsisimula." Ramdam na ramdam ko ang pait sa bawat salita na sinasabi niya.

Sumasakit na rin ang dibdib ko, I was heavily breathing as I look into his eyes.

Kumikinang ang mga mata niya dahil sa luha and I bet ang mga mata ko rin na may namumuo ng luha at nagbabadiya nang tumulo.

"I'm sorry but I couldn't." Sana madali na lang ang lahat, sana hindi na lang big deal sa akin iyong issue ko kay Mama tutal matagal na rin naman iyon e.

I'm sorry that I love my dad too much that I can't bear to see him pretending that it was okay for him.

I'm sorry that I never believe in love, that I didn't want it for myself.

"Do you like me?" seryoso niyang tanong habang nakatitig sa akin. I saw how dark his eyes turned as he asked me that. I shifted my gaze else where because I didn't know how to answer habang gano'n siya makatingin sa akin.

"Look at me Adria, please." he sounds defeated. "I do." Halos bulong ko na lang sinagot iyon.

"Then why are you running away from me?" Parang nagmamakaawa na siya sa akin ngayon at parang binubugbog ang puso ko na makita at marinig siyang ganiyan.

"I'm saving the both of us, kaya please," I begged. I like him I really do but I wasn't ready, I know it well, my anxiety eats me up and I know that it wasn't going to end anytime soon.

I knew the both of us wouldn't work with me having to doubt everything just because of my mom, just because I wasn't able to witness real love, because I refuse to see that it was possible because it didn't happened to my family.

"Save us from what?" He look really frustrated right now and I'm swallowing really hard to stop my tears from falling.

"Save us from heartbreak," I answered which made him scoff and look away, controlling his frustration over me.

"I don't need to be saved, Adria, what I need is you." Napaawang ang labi ko kasabay ng pagpatak ng luha ko, I don't know what to say or feel anymore para lang matigil na ito.

"Let's not make it hard," I said habang pinipigilan ko ang mga mata ko na tignan siya, feeling ko konti na lang bibigay na ako but I know what my demons are capable of doing to me ayoko idamay si Uno doon.

"You're the one making it hard for us." I know, kung sana madali na lang sa akin na maging kami na lang. Gusto naman niya ako at gusto ko rin siya but I have my issues and it's not letting Uno in.

"Why are you doing this to me?" He said in a defeated tone nang hindi ko siya sagutin before he got his things and left.

And that was the last day I saw Uno, kahit nasa iisang university kami, kahit na nasa iisang building kami, kahit na same way kami pauwi hindi ko siya nakita. Maybe iniwasan niya na lang rin ako noon hanggang sa nakagraduate na siya.

"Hey are you crying?" Pinunasan ko ang pisngi ko nang tanungin ako ni Uno, nawala na sa isip ko na nasa tabi ko nga pala siya dahil sa mga iniisip ko.

"Hindi, napuwing lang." It's a lame excuse pero ang weird naman kasi bigla-bigla na lang ako umiiyak. 7 years ago na iyon I didn't know maaapektuhan pa rin ako no'n when we didn't even became a thing dahil sa akin.

"May tanong ako sa'yo," sabi ko bigla sa kaniya nang maging okay na ang pakiramdam ko kahit papaano.

Nakatingin lang siya sa fountain nang tumango siya. "Shoot," he answered.

"Did you hate me for what I did 7 years ago?" Napaawang ang labi niya nang itanong ko iyon sa kaniya, mukhang hindi niya inexpect.

Ang ganda ng lapat ng dilaw na ilaw sa mukha niya kaya hindi ko napigilan na titigan siya. He really has a nice side profile.

"I wanted to pero hindi," he pursed his lips at sinalubong ang tingin ko sa kaniya.

"Why? You have all the rights to be mad." I didn't break our stare at each other. I wanted to see his eyes while I listen to why he doesn't hate me.

"Because I understand, Ada."