3. Coward
I tried to upload faster this time! Or at least I hope I did!
I hope you all enjoy this part but please remember this does include things that are depressing and I don't want any of you to read if you're sensitive about that kind of thing!
With that out the way, please go ahead and read!
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The next morning (F/N) woke up, her neck sore and her head spinning. She'd fallen asleep on her desk again, her books spread out as a pillow while her (H/C) hair was scattered beneath her. She slowly raised her head and gazed over at her clock to read the time; as she looked upon it she took a sigh of relief. If she was quick she could still make it to school on time. She slowly got up and made her way to the bathroom. Her body was tired and she wanted nothing but to sleep for the rest of the day but she had to go to school.
After taking a quick shower and getting dressed she gathered the books on her desk and put them into her school bag. She'd managed to complete her homework for today and had fallen asleep halfway through her homework for next week so luckily she wasn't heading for a detention. Even though she spent all her nights doing her homework, she never seemed to run out.
With a sigh—she had been sighing a lot more lately—she left her empty house and made her way to school. She wasn't looking forward to today at all but she reminded herself that her childhood friends weren't going to just disappear after one day had gone by, and they definitely weren't just going to give up trying to talk to her again; she'd known them long enough to know they were both persistent.
After a long walk, she finally made it to her classroom just as the bell for the beginning of class rang out lightly. Most the class was already there and (F/N) saw Tino and Berwald eyeing her as she sat down. The class began and (F/N) couldn't help but gaze out the window.
The birds were yet again there huddled in their nest up in the tree. The mother and father bird were sat separately from the baby bird who was pleasantly sleeping. The mother and father birds flew off presumably in search for food, now the baby bird was left alone to sleep peacefully.
Watching them made (F/N)'s eyes droop and she felt as if she could just fall asleep any second. She'd been edging closer and closer to the surface of her desk like her body just wanted her to sleep and she was obeying without knowing. She straightened herself up and tried to concentrate on the lesson she was in but her mind was so tired she didn't even care anymore.
After what felt like in eternity in (F/N)'s state of exhaustion, class finally ended in time for a small break. The students were allowed to walk around for a while and talk with friends before they had to go back to lessons and wait for lunch to arrive. (F/N) liked to stay in her seat instead of walking around since she didn't have any friend to meet up with or talk to. She wished the break of twenty minutes was longer so she could sleep.
"(F/N)?" A voice broke (F/N) out of her thoughts and she rubbed her eyes as she looked up. She met the slightly concerned eyes of Tino; Berwald was also stood next to him and (F/N) hadn't even realised they'd gotten out of their seats. Though his stare was still slightly intimidating, he was concerned too. Tino continued talking. "Are you okay? You look a little tired..."
(F/N) felt guilt from yesterday hit her again. She'd talked to them so bluntly and hadn't even said she'd missed them after all these years; now here they were worrying over her while she could only reject their kindness. They really hadn't changed, but she had.
"I'm fine, I just didn't get much sleep last night." She said. They both looked at her doubtingly but Tino smiled again lightning the mood slightly.
"Do you mind if we sit with you? I know we didn't get to talk much yesterday, but we want to try hang out with each other again. Right?" He glanced other to Berwald beside him who in turn nodded.
(F/N) gazed at them both. She'd been nothing but harsh to them and they were just trying to talk to their old friend. Why would they use up so much time and energy in a worthless girl like (F/N)? She wasn't worth the trouble. But she could just tell them no again, she didn't have the heart to reject them especially when they were both looking at her like that. But then, she still couldn't get her childhood memories of when she left out of her head.
"I-If you don't want us to, we can leave?" (F/N) realised she'd been alone in her thoughts too long when Tino spoke up again with a disappointed tone. She quickly spoke up.
"No, it's fine..." She murmured quietly, just loud enough for them to hear, as she struggled to make eye contact with either of them. "I-I don't mind." She wanted to hit herself for stuttering like that. Both of them perked their heads up.
"Really? Great!" Tino happily cheered while (F/N) just managed to catch a glimpse of Berwald smiling. They both sat down in the empty seats from the desk in front of hers.
"So what have you done while you've been here?" Tino asked with mild curiosity. Ten years was an awfully long time not to see each other, that question was, of course, going to be the first one he asked.
"Nothing much." (F/N) couldn't think of much else to say and averted her gaze. It wasn't a lie though. She hadn't really done anything. She went to school, grew up, had a relatively boring life so far.
"O-Oh well, we both really missed you!" Tino carried on trying to make the situation a little less awkward. "This school pretty lively too, and—oh!" He suddenly cut himself off. "Don't you have any friends you need to be with now (F/N)? We're not holding you up are we?" He asked.
"We don't mind if you want to be with them instead." Berwald added on only making (F/N) feel a little duller at the fact she never had any friends here to hang out with instead. She shook her head.
"No, I—" She suddenly cut herself off and stuttered as she finished her sentence. "My friend i-is off school today, s-she's sick." Why did she say that? She knew full well she had no friends here and now she could even meet their gaze.
"You don't mind introducing us do you; when she gets back?" Tino asked, oblivious to the lie she'd told. (F/N) just nodded, unable to talk more.
The rest of the conversation continued mostly by Tino asking questions and (F/N) hesitantly answering them. Berwald spoke up from time to time but he mostly sat and listened. (F/N) could feel him looking at her and the moment she dared to meet his eyes, she had to look away immediately.
She just couldn't do it.
They were both still the same but she had changed so much and she couldn't take lying to them and pretending that everything was alright, because it wasn't. She didn't have friends, her family hadn't gotten closer and her school work wasn't excellent. She was a lie. Then when she met Berwald's gaze with her own (E/C) eyes, she could just tell that she couldn't keep this up for long. She couldn't lie to the person she lov—once loved.
The rest of the day drifted by and once again Tino and Berwald managed to sit and eat lunch with (F/N). Even at the end of the school day, they managed to convince her to walk together with them. It was fine until the paths split and Tino had to take a separate one from (F/N) Berwald. He waved goodbye with a smile and (F/N), unsure of what to do, just set off walking again after giving a brief wave. Silence set in. It was unbearable and (F/N) didn't have the guts to talk.
"You've changed a lot." (F/N) couldn't tell whether to sigh in relief or in frustration at his statement.
"That's what happens when you move away and grow up." She replied bluntly. She winced, feeling she had to add something else after it to at least try to be a little less like herself. "But you two haven't changed much."
"Not really." He was really making this hard for her. If she'd lost all common sense, she'd bash her head on a brick wall.
"Why'd you two move here anyway." She asked, facing her head to the side to gaze at him. He really hadn't changed much. He was still tall, his blue eyes were still just as striking and (F/N) still thought he looked pretty handsome, though she didn't want to admit that to herself.
"Just to move somewhere new." He replied. He faced her and (F/N) feel her heart skip a beat. "And we thought maybe you'd still be here, we missed you." (F/N) turned her head away and dipped her chin till she was stuck gazing at the floor as she walked along. The next split in the pathway was only a couple of steps away now. Why would they miss her? She was just...
"Why would you miss me...?" She muttered catching Berwald by surprise a little. He looked at her as though the answer was obvious, and really, it should've been. (F/N)'s mind was just too clouded to see it.
"Because we're friends." He said with the slightest of smiles that (F/N) just managed to catch. Her heart wouldn't stop pounding in her chest and she couldn't help but think back to when they were kids and he'd give her small smiles like that; they were a rare but wonderful thing that she always loved. They reached (F/N)'s front gate.
"But you..." She muttered, almost inaudibly. "You were the one who walked away." Her whisper was blown away in the wind.
"What?" Berwald asked, but (F/N) shook her head quickly.
"It was nothing, have a good night." She forced out hastily, quickly speed-walking off down the separated paths while her friend took other one after remaining still with confusion for a while.
Why would he say that?
(F/N) eventually made it home and of course, it was empty again.
(F/N) dropped her school bag onto her bed as she entered her room and let herself collapse on her bed as well. She was exhausted and every bone from head to toe ached. She wasn't looking forward to her next gym class.
Instead of going downstairs for food, she neglected her growling stomach begging for something to feast on and got right onto her homework for the next week. It took the rest of the night to get all of the petty homework tasks to do, and (F/N) placed her pen down, her hand aching painfully at all the writing she'd done. Her head was spinning from all the calculations she'd done in her head, or maybe it was her lack of food. Either way, she didn't care.
To clear her mind a little and possibly wake herself up, she made her way to the bathroom, noticing shoes at the doorway as she peered over the hallway bannister. Her parents and older brother probably come home a while ago and went to bed after eating dinner together. As she entered the bathroom, (F/N) switched on the light and gazed at herself in the mirror.
To say she looked awful was an understatement.
She had dark circles underneath her eyes and her face was pale and thin. Even her cheekbones were starting to make themselves apparent. (F/N) splashed water in her face and turned the taps off afterwards. Her gaze flickered towards something on the sink.
A razor.
She picked it up and gazed at the sharp blades covered by the plastic casing. Her mind thought back to last night. She held up her wrist—her smooth, scarless wrist—and placed the razor on it.
But she didn't do anything else. She couldn't move, almost like she was completely paralysed. Her hand wouldn't move, she could cut her skin and emotionlessly watch the blood flow. She knew—she knew she deserved this so why couldn't she just do it? Why couldn't she just make the stupid cut? Just one line, on small, red line that she could achieve with the flick of her hand. It didn't even have to be deep.
But she couldn't do it.
She took in a shaky breath and she felt tears prickle the corners of her eyes. Angrily, she threw the razor back towards the sink, not caring if it landed inside of it instead of around the sides.
It was only then she realised that she was shaking. Her hands were both shaking unsteadily as she held them in front of her. Her breaths were shaky and ragged as though she'd just ran home from school and she could feel a few tears escape her eyes. She quickly exited the bathroom and wiped her eyes, dragging herself back to her desk as she drowned herself in an essay that needed doing for the following week.
What kind of coward was she if she couldn't even make that one thin cut?!
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Like I said, this will probably get even more depressing before anything good happens
Poor Reader-Chan, I just put you through suffering no matter what story you're in!
I will try to get another part up soon since everyone is so eager to read them! Thank you for all the nice comments, you all give me the inspiration to keep writing!
Bye ^^
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