Chapter 9:" Loving Him "

Future series (Part 4)

5th September 2017

Swara always disliked when someone lied to her , she  preferred  the harsh truth then an white lie. Because she doesn't want to be soothed with lies all the time. And each passing day she grew to believe that she will always speak the truth than lie .  The reason for her dislike stemmed from such a early age

When she was a little kid, her mother used to calm her down with an lie every time she asks about her father.  She will always say he will come back soon. But he never did. And that lie might have calmed down a little kid back then but she hated all the dreams she had of being able to see her dad as a kid. She lived in a dream made up of her mother lies and it got shattered when she realized the truth. 

When she was twelve,  She realized her father was never coming back . Too late indeed but she believed her mother words over everyone else. And she stumbled upon the truth when she saw her mom breaking down because her father whoever he is refused to come and meet her . Her father doesn't want to meet her that was the harsh truth . She heard her mom voice crying to her dida and Swara for the first time realized that her dreams will never become a reality.

" I told him ,I don't want to be part of his life Maa. All I asked him was to be a part of Shona life. He is still a coward   Maa. He still won't stand up for his daughter happiness. Sometimes I hate myself for falling in love with him. How long can I keep lying to Shona Maa. She is no longer an child,  " her mother's words,  were enough for a 12 year old Swara to know she was not wanted by her father.

And when her mom finally told Swara about her failed father at the age of 13 after she demanded about it, She expected honesty instead her mom covered her father cowardice has helplessness. She made their love story sound like an tragic tale. But what it really was the cold harsh truth. Her mom fell for an guy who didn't deserve her..

Swara wanted to know who he was when she turned 18,  But her mom again lied saying she didn't know his whereabouts  and Swara knew it was an lie, Yet she choose to let it slide. She couldn't fathom why her mom would continue to keep lying to her. Her dida used to say it was to protect Swara, Another lie. Because Swara knew they  were protecting him.

So she preferred truth over lies. She believed herself to be blunt but always truthful. And it all changed when she was faced with a difficult choice that ended up destroying her life . If she knew how drastic her life will change with that lie she would have told him the truth that day. Instead she lied and changed her life irrevocably. 

       
 Swara  sat beside Sanskar  and contemplated  on how to approach the topic she wanted to tell him . He had been away for a week on a business trip and it was only now she get to see him . Her eyes misted with tears when she saw him ,his concern at her tears almost broke her resolve and she wanted to tell him everything but she held back . 

       
 It was two days after Sanskar left that Swara decided to visit Vivek and have a talk with him ,she had been dreading for a long time .  He had been pressing for intimacy often and each time they met it ended up in a fight and she began to hate spending time with him, when Sanskar was around she was occupied with him. But when he left it was like a wake up call to face her boyfriend 

   
 She made up her mind and went to his apartment hoping he would be reasonable that she couldn't see her life with him, if he couldn't understand her reasons. He had often said that they will get married soon ,so what the big deal but for her it was a big deal. She was illegitimate in the eyes of the society and she will never cross the line that could make her child suffer. 

         
 She didn't call him before hand because it was impulsive decision that would have changed if she didn't act on it . And she knew something was off when he opened the door and he looked guilty and then she heard another feminine voice and she understood. She wanted to ask him how long it has been happening, she wanted to lash at him for his betrayal but all she felt was immense relief at the fact he wasn't worth her loyalty. 

       
She walked away without a word but he did follow her with a reason, he blamed her for not spending time with him, blamed her for being close with Sanskar than him.  And she simply smiled and answered that it was over between them. And that was the end of it , while she felt relieved at first, the sadness stuck when she reached home. Her heart didn't hurt because she loved him, but the betrayal felt like a crushing blow as she let herself cry for the naive girl who fell in love with him.

           
 So today when she saw Sanskar after a week, she didn't know why her eyes misted with tears at his concern, she wanted to tell him the truth of her breakup just like she told her family but something held her back from saying the entire truth. 

       
" I broke up with Vivek ," she announced, and saw the way his eyes reflected in concern for her. 

       
" Do you want me to thrash him, " he asked,  and she smiled at his protectiveness but shook her head in answer.

     
  " Why , what did he do ? " he asked,  and she wanted to tell him the truth but she knew his quest for revenge and she didn't want him to go after Vivek because of her ,so she lied thinking it was for the best .

    
" Nothing much Sanskar , we just had a long talk and decided we didn't feel the same way anymore , " she answered back,  and he was gentlemanly enough to not ask further but he waited for to speak up but she knew him and his protectiveness. She didn't want him to get hurt by doing something stupid.

     
  Few days later she began to notice the fact Sanskar was avoiding her, she believed he had been busy. But a week later she realized he had been avoiding her. He just texted he had been in a important meeting but she saw him existing the office. She hated being lied and so she marched up to him, to let him know how much hurt she had been by her actions. 

       
" I suppose you are avoiding me, but cant you just tell me the truth instead of lying all the time, " Swara words, hit his target as he flinched when he heard her voice.

For a moment he didn't say anything than the words "Sorry" was spoken but Swara already walked away.  He had called several time that day but she ignored him, until she found him knocking at her door in the middle of the night.

         
 Swara was hurt more than Vivek betrayal when Sanskar avoided her and yet she was a fool who hoped he had his reasons when she let him inside the house. He kept apologizing but not once did he explain the reason for his avoidance until she lashed back.

       
" If you cant tell me the reason, you can leave Sanskar , " she said,  those words and waited till he realized she wont accept any other apology. 

       
And so he told her ,  how he met Vivek the very same day in the club hanging out with someone else, they kissed he said and in anger he punched him for moving on so quickly from her.  She almost smiled imagining Vivek clutching his face but his face grew taut with anxiousness as he spoke up further and Swara smiled dimmed after each of his sentence and the full implication of why he avoided her came into view. 

     
" He told you ,we broke up because I wanted too.  It okay you believed that but how can you believe him when he claimed it was because I loved you. We are friends Sanskar . Do you think I would keep it from you ,only to tell him , " her accusations,  hit him with enough force that she saw the range of emotions in his face from disbelief to relief.

It hit her hard that he believed Vivek claim and avoided her but when she did know how he avoids anyone who wants more than friendship from him. She also blamed herself for lying to him by not telling him why they broke up .

       
So after two days of holding back, she finally relented and forgave him. It was also the day she told him the entire reason for her break up, but she did made him promise not to go after Vivek as she insisted she wanted to move on from him.  Swara began to feel like her old self, carefree and content with her friendship with Sanskar and her family. Until fate intervened again.

 She was walking back home from dance school and was excited to reach home and call Sanskar. When she bumped into someone else lost in her thoughts ,A brief recognition lit up the stranger face. And Swara remembered him too but couldn't come up with his name.

" You are Swara right , " he asked, She simply nodded . She was about to walk back home when the stranger decided middle of the street is the right place to catch up on. Swara found out he was her senior in college, That why he looked familiar. He introduced himself as Laksh and she didn't care much about him. Till he asked her out on an date..

She replied back an quick "No." but he was persistent, Then she remembered all about him. He was the player in the college and it looked like he didn't change much.

  She knew he heard she broke up with Vivek as he mentioned it.  And he was asking her on an date on the first meet. She wanted to say No but some how his persistence made her agree.  She thought she could go on a single date .

Swara also rationalized her decision as something that would rest the doubts of Sanskar once and for all, she soon found herself liking the company of him. For a player he was very thoughtful about their first date, and that bothered her , it seemed he was way to serious about her .  So she decided to  end it before his heart broke .But she misunderstood him and his stubbornness to accept her no.

He  pleaded her for another date and blamed himself again and again for disappointing her that she end up agreeing to see him again . And  just like that they went on five dates and today was the end of it. She decided any more than that he would be hurt. But fate had other plans stored for her .

             
She wasn't prepared for a declaration from him , he declared he loved her and he was willing to wait till she falls in love with him. She was shocked by his declaration that she had no immediate reply. She realized because of her stupidity she hurt him and that bothered her too much. She was about to tell him that she didn't feel that way,  When an familiar voice halted her train of thoughts..

"Lucky, " The familiar voice called,  and "Bhai" her date replied back, Swara was facing opposite to him. She didn't want to turn back and face him. She can't believe her cursed fate.  She was dating his cousin. The one guy he hates next to his uncle, Just great her mind cheered her .

She hoped they both would ignore her,  But of course  Laksh walked up to his bhai who was standing few feet behind her. They talked for few seconds and Laksh decided it was time for introductions.

"Bhai this is Swara, the girl I am  gonna marry." Laksh declared much to Swara dismay as she turned around to see her best friend.

"Nice to meet, " his words died when his eyes spotted her. Swara knew by his playful smirk that it wasn't an coincidence he was in the same restaurant as them.  He made it look like one ,she knew Sanskar by now that he always kept track of his cousin whereabouts , But what he didn't expect was to find her as her cousin date. His playful smirk dropped the second his eyes noticed her.

And just like that Swara Bose knew their friendship had met its end, not because she thought he would blame her for dating Laksh when she had no idea that he was her cousin but because it was that moment her stupid brain made her realize a truth. She was in love with him, the brief look of hurt in his face was more than enough for her heart to break apart in pain. The hurt she felt for his pain made her realize she loved him ,not just as a friend and it was also the reason she never gave his cousin a real chance because her heart was already in love with him.

And if Swara thought her mom's love life was an mistake then she knew her was much more than an mistake.  She fell for an guy who refuses to move on from his dead girlfriend. He considers being happy as an betrayal to his dead girlfriend. So forget falling in love with her. 

   
And sadly she also knew how he would react as well , she knew his heart will never love her back but she didn't want to lose his friendship . So she knew it was one secret that will always remain with her .

She blamed her heart  for falling in love with him, First it was his pain that managed to move her heart.  He was suffering to much. Then she realized she enjoyed being with him, Half of the time he would be talking about his revenge or Kavita. But the remaining half when she made  him to talk with her about something else.  That when she get to see the real Sanskar, The Sanskar she fell in love with.

The real Sanskar, the normal sanskar who had his whole life ahead of him,  He always told her. He enjoyed her company. He told her she makes him feel normal. And it was because Sanskar loses his barrier around his heart  when he was with her. 

  
He forgets everything when he was with her. And Swara fell in love with the real Sanskar who was hidden behind walls of pains, betrayal and guilt. But she knew her love story was doomed to be tragic.  And yet she Loved him. Loved him with all her heart and then loved him some more even when he was walking away from her without a word . 

P. S :" That it for now, Let me know your feedback. Hit the votes if you liked it. "

Juanita Reid




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