Future series part 12

12th November 2019

          
Sanskar Maheshwari was ten years old when he lost his family,  Until then he was a boy who had never experienced sadness. In one swift incident, his whole life was turned upside down. He had two amazing parents,  It was not the fact they were rich that made them amazing. It was the fact they loved him so much that made them the best. He loved them as much as a ten-year-old can and in one single day, he lost them to a horrible accident.

When he woke up in the hospital with a just few bruises and yet very much alive probably because his mother bore the brunt of his injuries while he was tucked closely in her arms. He began to scream and demand they let him see his parents. Even at such a young age, He knew something terrible had befallen them.          

And he can't accept the last thing he said to them was "I hate you".  He wanted to change that,  He wanted to tell them how much he loves them. Yet fate wasn't kind to the little child and it took his parents away.

When his little cousin stood beside his parents and wept his heart out, Sanskar felt bad for not being able to cry as much as he wanted. Because he was guilt-ridden.  He locked himself in his room and refused to come outside for more than two weeks. It was only after that his bade papa stepped in.    

Sanskar was never close to him because everything about him screamed strict, While the ten-year-old adored his bade Maa. Sanskar always remained a bit distant with his bade papa. But that night he spoke up not expecting understanding from his bade papa but wanting to be punished for his crimes.

" I told them I hate them and papa was upset and that why he couldn't see the truck coming before him, That why they died, " Sanskar spoke up, hoping for his punishment.

"Do you hate them Sanskar beta, " came his bade papa calm voice as the voice he was not used to hearing before.

"No,  I was angry. I didn't mean it, " His voice was a mere whisper as he felt the guilt.

"Why were you angry beta? " came his bade papa voice once again making the little child relieve that day. He was angry because they were fighting all the way. He hated when they fought with each other. And he was sad that his vacation will only consist of angry parents.     

He knew the reason was Laksh, He knew it was because bade Maa refused to send Laksh for the vacation. Laksh was to be sent to spend time with his grandparents. And mom took it hard that he won't be spending time with them.   And he also knows any vacation without Laksh made mom upset. And he was angry with his parents for fighting.         

And now the little kid rather has his parents even if they were fighting than gone.  And he spoke those three words to hurt them as well, Now he can't take them back at all.    

His  Little outburst had managed to shake his bade papa. And Sanskar prepared himself for the punishment, Instead, his uncle hugged Sanskar and cried. It was the very first and last time Sanskar saw his bade papa crying. That night the little boy didn't understand anything except his bade papa assurance that it was not his fault that his parents died.       

The adult reassurance that he was not guilty was the thing he needed back that time. To know his parents didn't die because of him. But that didn't change the fact the little guy had lost his parents and he has lost a big part of his life.

Everyone handles grief in a different way and for Sanskar it meant stop living, He existed but never really lived. It was as if his life button had hit a pause. Everyone gave him time to handle his grief. But when it went past few months, All of them start to worry. From his remaining family to his teachers and his friends, everyone he ever knew noticed that he was not improving             

For Sanskar, It didn't matter. His parents weren't there and so he refused to live. He knew his friends have started to avoid him. Who would want someone so gloomy?  He knew his teachers were worried about how can they not when the class topper till last year has managed to score zero on all the tests after his parent's death.     

His bade Maa worried when he starts becoming sicker due to the lack of eating. Yet no one could do anything to change him. Not for the lack of trying though but Sanskar was adamant to just exist and not live. There was nothing that motivated him to live.    

But at that age, He didn't know about the consequences of his actions. And when he heard from his bade papa that he will have to study the same class next year. He hated everyone for not helping him. And the reality of his situation was made known to him in the first week of school.

     
He hated it,  His new classmates seemed to have thought of him as a failure. Someone who is a fool to not get promoted with his friends. And that stung a lot. That prompted him to prove them wrong. It was his one motivation to change their mind, He refused to be deemed as a failure.    

And the competing nature kept him motivated for the rest of his school life. He had joined every extracurricular activity offered at school. He wanted to excel not only in academics but everything. Sometimes he would wear himself to the point of exhaustion but he didn't care. Excelling at everything was what kept him existing in life, His life had no friends and his life had nothing that he held dear to him.

Ever since his parents died he found new things to keep him occupied but he had no dreams, no wishes, and nothing to make him happy. His life was still a pause.

It all changed when he met Kavita, His bade Maa and bade papa supported all his decisions but when it comes to college they refused to send him abroad. His bade Maa tears won him over and there was no challenge in college life that he regretted listening to them.

Until his cousin joined the same college next year, And with him came his friends. Sanskar never approved of Laksh friends in school so he would stay away from them.

He wanted to change that in college. Laksh was his only friend, his brother. The only one Sanskar let himself get close to. At first, it was because his parents loved him as their own. He couldn't distance himself from someone his parents loved and slowly he loved him as a brother. And thankfully Laksh made some decent friends in college and one of them was Kavita.

Kavita was chirpy, happy, and had big dreams of life. She wanted to build an orphanage and take care of kids. She wanted to provide for the family and so on. And her presence in his life sends him to realize how much he wasted his life. When he realized how much she had overcome in life and yet remained with a positive outlook on life. He envied her and soon he learned to respect her and of course, he fell in love with her as well.

And the moment he realized he was in love, everything changed. His life was no longer in pause mode, He began to live for real. He began to dream about his family. His future with Kavita. It was like he was learning about himself all over again, And when he thought he figured it all out. She died.

That when is his life came to a standstill again, This time with the crushing truth that he will never be happy again because he won't have a family on his own without her. He realized he was destined to be alone all his life and that hit him hard. He didn't care about anything, at this point in life he didn't care even if the whole world called him a failure. His competitive nature wasn't enough to drive him to exist anymore.

Then he found a new motive to keep existing,  Revenge. It fuelled him to live. It made him a monster but he didn't care. It was all he had, Revenge. Until she walked into the bar that night.

His Shona, She barged into his life on her own and made her way into his heart. She invoked feelings in his cold heart. She made him care. And he got his family in her and her family become his family. The revenge that was all-consuming didn't stand a chance when it comes to her. He would gladly give it all up for her. She was his life the one who made him start living.

He began to dream of his future, Where she would be by his side. After Kavita's death. He thought he was all alone but after he met Shona. He knew there was someone for him. Someone who cares for him. And while he still doesn't feel like living. He wants to live for her. To keep her safe, to make her happy, to make her dreams come true. And slowly he started to live again. And it all came crashing down right before his eyes.

The third accident of his life, He ran towards her side and took in the amount of blood that stretched around her. His hope left him. He knew he would lose his Shona. That how his parents left him, that how the love of his life left him and he knew the only family he has will leave as well. In the hospital, he waited for the news but his mind was all made up.

He was numb with pain,  He wanted to shout at the injustice of all it. He wants to keep asking what crimes he committed that he kept losing them. He was losing his mind.  He didn't hope to hear good news from the doctor.  His fight had already left him.       

And the mere thought of a life with no Shona shattered him. He didn't speak a word not even to answer the question her mom threw at him. Then the doctors came out and told him the one word he thought he wouldn't hear. She was alive.

That changed everything, She was alive. She didn't leave him. She stayed. That all that Mattered. The rest of the doctor's words never registered in his brain.  Her family broke down when they realized she couldn't walk again.  It crushed their heart. But Sanskar couldn't think about it. He will do anything to change that aspect, He knew he will make her walk again. And her inability was all temporary,  He would change it for her happiness. There is nothing he would hold back for her.

And while he was very much aware of how much it will crush his Shona. He knew he will make her walk again. He can fight with any inability. He will search the whole world to find a way to change it what he can't change was death. And she was not dead.  That meant everything to him.

The doctor's words were all but a temporary bandage to his heart. He needed to see her alive to stop the pain and he thought the accident hasn't managed to take her away from him. But he was wrong. It didn't take her but it did take Nikhil. A fact Sanskar's mind barely registered in his fear for Shona. But when she accused him of killing Nikhil. His death and the guilt came crashing down, It was his fault that Shona lost someone dear to her.

Yet his hope was alive. Someday even if it after years. She will forgive him and until then he will wait. Wait for his Shona. See her at least twice a day. Just seeing her alive was enough for him. He knew her guilt,  He lived with it for so long. He understood her. He knew her struggles and he didn't mind the wait.  She was alive. That the only thing that Mattered

And he was not going to back down because of her words, her silence, and most importantly her hate. He needed her in his life. And that day she spoke the one sentence that crushed his heart. She wanted a divorce.

And when Sanskar asked for the same exactly a year ago, It was to protect her from him, and even then he had no intention of staying away from her life unless she kicked him out. But when she wanted a divorce. It meant only one thing, She wanted him far away from her life. And that was when he finally realized maybe he had really lost her too.

  The whole day her single sentence kept ringing in his ears, And he can't be selfish with her. His life probably would stop the moment he believes she won't be part of it. But her life might start again. He was selfish and he wasn't proud of that. Maybe he needed to let her go,  Maybe having him in her life did make her life stop moving on. And Sanskar would do anything for her even letting her go.

Later that night it was with that determination, He walked inside Dida's house. Dida seemed shaken back by his decision. She thought he should wait but Sanskar let her have the papers and walked away before he tears that piece of paper and decides to be selfish again. But his heart betrayed him as he decided to take a single glimpse of his sleeping Shona before parting away,  He won't be staying in this city anymore. It had taken everything from him.

And each step he took towards her, broke his heart more. And when he leaned in to see a glimpse of her face that was tucked behind her hair. His hand had moved the hair slightly so as not to wake her up and yet his eyes betrayed him as the tears dropped on her face. She woke up due to that and he took two steps back waiting for her to lash at him. She looked at his tear-stained face and spoke up.

"Nightmare again Sanskar, I had a Nightmare too. You should have woke me up. Wait I will get you water, " She said,  and only when she tried to move her legs did the reality stuck in.

Swara woke up and saw the tear strained face of her husband,  Being suddenly waken up in her sleepy state she half-believed the last few months as a dream. Because how else would she wake up to see his face next to her. And when she tried to move. She realized she was living the nightmare.

And her mind wasn't registering anything except how she wished it was a nightmare. And the tears started to fall at the reality of her life. She felt him beside her not moving at all, then he slowly but carefully took the two steps towards her and stood next to her. And at that moment she was selfish as she held on to him and cried her hearts out.

"Why can't it be just a nightmare, " her choked sobs echoed across the room. As Sanskar held her close to him offering comfort as there can never be words that can make the pain fade away. And slowly she drifted back to sleep holding him close to her

Swara woke up the next day and realized the blunder she made,  She slept leaning on his shoulders. And he was still sleeping while his hand was enclosed in a hug holding her close to him. She knew whatever the barrier she held against him. Broke last night. How will he believe that she hates him now? She could clearly see the mistake and the mistake was starting right at her face as he woke up.

"I just wanted you to sleep, I leave, " was the first thing he said after waking up. He was walking away and she thought he might stay. Maybe she really did manage to push him away.

"Why, "  The word slipped out as she stared at his retreating back.

" Because I am your nightmare Shona, And you might move on when I am really no longer part of your life. I was selfish to hold on to you for so long. Because I needed you. And now I realize why you wanted me away from your life, " He spoke up and managed to hold back the tears that were threatening to fall.

"Do you really need me? " She asked him,  She should have just let him walk away. But the words were out before she can think.

"What kind of questions was that? " He asked clearly confused by her line of thoughts. Of course, he needed her in his life. She was his life.

"Are you blind? Don't you see I am no longer the same person you got married to? " She lashed back.

" Yes Shona, I  know you are no longer the same person. I do know Nikhil's death has managed to kill the happiness inside you. I know the pain you are going through to lose someone close to you and I also know how much you loved to dance it was your life and I know how much you are affected by it,  I do know Shona,  "He replied back,  wondering how she thought he won't understand her.

" Then why would you need me?  "She asked clearly hoping for an answer from him that she still mattered to him.

" Shona, I know the accident took someone you hold dear to you and I know there is no coming back from the pain of losing someone. I know what you lost due to it Shona. But it didn't take you away from me. I don't think I would have survived if you died. When you were in the hospital,  All I wanted was to be Nikhil. So that I would have died before realizing you were dead. Because I couldn't see my life without you Shona.

And how can you even ask if I need you? ,  You are the reason I keep living and you ask me if I need you,  "He said clearly speaking his heart out, so far he held back because she wasn't ready to listen to him.

" I am not the same person Sanskar,  I would just be a burden to you, "her voice spoke up, She was losing the battle of determination, His words were shaking her heart. She couldn't keep up with the pretense and say she doesn't need him.

" Is that why you asked for a divorce?  You thought I would think of you as a burden, " His voice was laced with anger and disbelief. He couldn't believe she thought that he would think of her as a burden. She refused to answer,  She can't lie anymore.

Sanskar stood in their room with disbelief. He couldn't believe it. He would have walked away from her thinking she doesn't want him. And now to realize it because she was stupid enough to think she would be a burden to him. And his heart bled within to know how much her inability affected her. She was alive and he would do anything to make it alright. But not once did he realize that she would consider herself a burden.

" Shona, if Laksh stabbed me in my leg and I couldn't walk. You would have left me right, " He asked, clearly trying to make her realize the error in the way of her thinking

"No. But it is different, " She said totally confusing him more.

"How is it different?   How is it different Shona? If I can't walk you will stay with me but if you can't I should walk away. It doesn't make sense. What the difference?" He asked,  getting a bit upset as she evaded to look at him.

"Because I love you Sanskar and being with you would be enough for me, " She spoke up, finally looking at him as a few drops of tear fell from her eyes.

"Right,  So you can decide what is enough for you. But I can't decide on it because you already decided for me. Do you even realize how much it killed me not to have you around with me? Do you really think I am that shallow of a person who would think of you as a burden? Do you know it has been months since I walked into our house? Do you know I can't even step inside the house without you?  I have been living in the office ever since I left you in Dida's house and yet you think I don't need you in my life. You are the only person I need in my life Shona.

Tell me how should I prove it,  What should I do that would make you realize I can't live without you,  " Sanskar pleading voice broke her resolve. For the first time, Swara saw the damage she inflicted on him.

" I am sorry Sanskar, I  am so sorry. I didn't know. I really believed you would be better off without me,  "She said finally admitting to her mistake of rash thinking. 

" I should have known Shona, I should have understood you better. I am sorry too,  "He answered back.

" Let us go home,  I think I have overstayed, "She said making up her mind. She was foolish to push him away and she wanted to be selfish for once. Because she knew she needed him in her life too. And when she saw the smile that lit up his face at her declaration. She believed he needed her too. And after a long time, Swara felt happy, a feeling that was so alien to her in the last few months.

P. S:" That is it  for now, Let me know your feedback and feedback . Hit the votes if you liked it "

Juanita Reid