SURVIVORS GUILT
୨⎯ chapter twenty-one ⎯୧

━━━━ when you're an orphan in the qz as a small child, you don't really think about a lot of things leading up to the reason why you're there. you just are. you follow the rules, turn the lights off when they say to, use the clothes they lend you for fitness class, go to the same classes from monday-friday, see the same people every day, and never ever leave the qz.

but then you reach a certain age and you start wondering and asking because you understand a little more. you understand that the world has gone to shit and you're trapped in a place where you basically grew up. so you start asking yourself, what happened to my parents? how did they die? were they murdered? if so who did it? was it an accident? who were my parents? did i have siblings? if i so why havent i been given to them?

you're like that till the teenage years. you start losing hope that you're ever get your answers because fedra ain't shit. well, at least this is how it was for maria maria espinosa.

she always wondered what it would be like to have her parents again, she wondered what they looked like, smelled like, laughed like. she remembers practically begging for at least their name but nothing.

when ellie first found maria after escaping the first time, they roomed her up with ellie after sending her to the cell for about 3 days. maria remembers herself crying all those days when ellie wasnt around. not because she missed the girl, they didn't even know each other, but because she was alone and she faintly remembers her older sister.

as time past by her memories of her parents and her older sister faintly faded away. when she reached the point where she started asking questions every day, every week every month about her family, she would try so hard to capture and recognize their face. or even try to make out their voices but she couldn't.

on a rainy night maria snuck out past curfew to go to the library, alone. she told ellie to say that she was just in the bathroom which she protested too and said that she'll come with but maria argued back with her until ellie finally stayed.

once she reached the library safely and without getting caught she went straight to the doctoring section. there were millions of books but she was searching for one that said child trauma. she saw the label 'c' on the third level shelf meaning she had to crouch down.

she took out the first one that said child trauma and she read. that night she found out that a kid can block out a traumatic event, memories, as a way of coping with the trauma. that even though the kid may be around 4-6 years old and they can't remember the whole specific traumatic event, they can still feel the emotion they felt and be reminding of images.

maria tried for years trying to find a family in other people. she did found a home in her best friends riley and ellie but that was all. they were her safe place, the place where she can go whenever things go bad, the people she can go to to make the best memories to ever exist, to talk, to laugh, to make plans for the future that isn't guaranteed for them.

then she met joel miller and maggie espinosa. she didn't like them at first, she felt effy about them. she didn't know who joel was and supposedly he was a dangerous person so she automatically didn't trust then. she didn't remember maggie and the second she blurted out that they were sisters, maria thought it was a sick joke that marlene was playing.

she liked to look back at it and wonder that if she knew that maggie looked like, if her memories were clear enough to create a picture and recognize maggie, would she have cried? would she have run over to maggie and risk getting shot by either one of them in the room? would she have trusted maggie? she'll never know but now she does.

she knows that maggie is her older sister and her family. she knows that she can't imagine a life without maggie any and the thought of maggie going away again pained her. it'll happen all over again like when she was little. the only difference between five year old maria didn't remember but fourteen year old sasha will.

and joel, she never expected to find comfort in the grumpy man. she always thought he was just that, a big ol' grumpy man that was forced to take ellie and sasha across the country. then something changed. maybe it was the way that joel fought for them, the way he defended them and despite all his snarky comments whenever they asked questions, sasha knew that joel had a soft spot for them and that possibly scared him.

along the way to jacksonville, joel, maria and ellie talked a lot. mostly maria and ellie and joel would respond back with an answer or lecture them on something. maria felt a new bond between her and joel form. maria would occasionally look up at him and just smile. maggie would catch it and it would warm up her heart. and ellie would do the same as maria and joel never caught it.

maria smiled up at joel because she finally found them. she finally found her family. she finally found the parents that she'll never be able to get back nor replace but she found them. maggie and joel healed her inner kid that they didn't even break completely in the first place.

winter was long gone. the snow, the cold and the large jackets changed to green, a warm breeze that sometimes went cold and they dropped their large jackets and change completely out of their other clothes.

maria and ellie sat on top of a truck in silence, their mind getting the best of them. maria was surprised that her mind hasn't eaten her up. it was almost like she wanted her mind to eat her and just not feel anything anymore. she doesn't want to feel anything anywhere anymore.

she was sick and tired of feeling hopeless with herself. that whenever she looked down at her hands images from the events inside of the house of terrors flashed through her mind. they were clear, loud and never leaving. or like whenever she went to the bathroom in some abandon gas station and there will be a mirror she always felt disgusted with herself.

her face, her arms, her legs, her body and her hair it didn't feel like it was hers anymore. her face was clear, her arms had marked around her wrist that were permanent, her legs felt numb and her body. her body having bruises everywhere, a long and wobbly knife mark from her belly button to the middle of her chest.

"ellie! butterfly!" joel called out coming back from his search. neither of the girls responding back to him, not hearing him. he called out their names again but it only caught maria attention. "butterfly! ellie!"

maria turned her head around with a frown and her hearing came back. she put a hand on ellie's forearm causing the girl to give her a look. maria nodded her head over at joel. "d'ya hear me?" asked joel.

"no. what?" ellie asked.

"well, i found this in there. beefaroni. chef boydardee." joel said grinning and holding two cans up showing his girls but no real reaction. he expected maria to start mocking him due to the fact that his texas accent was really coming and he expected ellie to come back with a snarky comment. but nothing.

"oh, cool." ellie said with fake enthusiasm. maria forced on a smile bringing her hand up and giving joel a thumbs up. joel miller saw right through it though and he hated it. he glanced back down at his hand and decided to try again.

"and have you ever played this? boggle? it's a word game. maria this would be hundred percent for you since you always want to know big words and you already know half of them," joel said walking over to them and standing in the middle. he held the board game out towards them and they both inspected it. ellie gave him a nod along with maria. "well, if you wanna beat me at somethhin'. it would be this."

he waited for a minute to hear their voice, he didn't want a laugh coming from them. he just wanted to hear their voice, he wants to make them feel something other than the what their feeling right now. when ellie and maria look back down at what they were looking previously and back to their thoughts joel nodded his head, "well, all right then. we're gettin' close. hospital that way. maybe the one we're lookin' for."

"oh." maria breathed out just as joel walked away to put everything inside his backpack. her eyes then landed on ellie who was already looking at her. maria lips turned downwards and hoped off the back of the truck, picking up her backpack and swinging it over her shoulders.

ellie reached for maria but the brown head girl was already gone. ellie sighed deeply grabbing her backpack as well and jogged up to them. "hold this for me," joel muttered to maria who grabbed it and held it tightly. once joel put on his backpack he took it back, "thanks."

"no problem." maria said looking over her shoulder to ellie. maria then moved her legs at the same time as joel, ellie's movements copying hers. maria extended her arm out towards ellie who was taken back by her action. in ellie's mind she still blamed herself for what had happened and in her mind she has that maria is mad at her. angry.

ellie hesitated at first before slipping her hand onto maria. ellie intertwined their fingers together and pulled maria closer to her. this was what ellie needed for her mind to be put at rest. joel glanced down at them and grinned softly and then looked back over at the rv.

"they had a guitar in that rv." ellie and maria both glanced back at the rv at the same time, "it was all smashed up but got me thinkin' maybe i should find one. i haven't played in forever. in fact, i was thinkin' maybe i could teach you. after all, maria, your birthday is coming up. i bet you'd be great at it. the both of you."

"you really think so?" maria asked tilting her head up at joel who smiled softly down at her. there it was, her voice. joel nodded his head and he felt, at the moment, proud of her.

"i know so." joel said and quickly looked in front of him blinking his eyes rapidly and holding in his breath as he felt another emotion wave through him. maria got closer to ellie who's mind was still blank from any other thing and only focused on sasha.

the trio walked for another two hours or so, reaching an alley. the entire time joel, ellie and maria not saying a word to each other but that didn't mean that joel wasn't checking on them every five minutes or possibly seconds.

"okay, so this is what i'm thinkin'-"

"cut through that building to get around that stuff, find the skyscraper, go up and look around." ellie cut him off with a monotone voice looking around the alley way.

"uh, actually," joel muttered shaking his head at ellie, "this time i was thinkin' we blast our way through the rubble. i found some dynamite in that rv back there."

"seriously?" maria asked turning her head quickly to joel and her mouth gaped open and her eyes widen.

joel breathed it and then out, "no, so we're gonna cut through that building, find a skyscraper, go up and look around." maria face dropped but her mouth stayed open and ellie looked down at her shoes. joel looked back at them and raised an eyebrow, "but i had you goin', didn't i?"

"what a way to get a girls hopes up." maria muttered and joel chuckled walking in front of them and leading the way. maria grip tighten around ellie who squeezed back as every time she stepped on the shattered bricks she felt like she was going to slip.

once they reached the inside of the building maria was going to let go of ellie's hand but the ponytail girl made a noise and only held it tighter. maria rolled her eyes and as always, ignoring the way that the butterflies reappeared making its appearance after days of not showing up. same thing happening to ellie, boldness getting the best of her.

"look at this place." joel said. and they did look around. maria noticed how rusty the place was and how collapsed it got. "talk about bad luck. military drops bombs, not one of them hits the building you're trying to demolish."

"so what, the hit and miss?" maria asked clearing her throat as it was starting to hurt again. they followed behind joel who was looking for a way up top.

"something like that," said joel and maria hummed nodding her head. joel then looked under a big hole and shook his head, "no way up." joel walked away and opened up the fence finding a way.

maria inhaled a shaky breath putting her hand on the fence.

stop fighting against it, just come with me.
don't be stupid, maria. do you really think ellie loves you? do ya?
did i ever mention that i love this part? it's when you fight against me.
scream all you want. no one's going to save you now

"maria, maria!" ellie said panicking as maria froze in her spot and not reacting to anyone around her. joel send ellie a worried look but ellie ignored him trying to snap maria out of her own mind. the brunette shook her shoulders roughly finally getting maria to react.

"what?" maria breathed out snatching her hand away from the fence and blinking rapidly to prevent tears to fall down her eyes.

"where'd you go off too?" ellie whispered ask to the girl in front of her. her hands never leaving maria shoulder.

"nowhere. i'm okay." maria said nodding her head a swallowing the lump that formed inside her throat. but ellie wasn't buying it. maria tilted her head to the side and put her hand on ellie's cheek giving her lips in a quick peck, "i'm okay, i swear."

"not to bother or anything," joel said awkwardly his hands on his hips and rocking back and forth on his boot heels. "but if i get one of you up there, you can drop that ladder down, maybe we can go through that way. ennie meenie," joel pointed a finger and ellie and then over at maria who entered to where joel was while ellie stayed starstruck behind. "miney mo. oh look, ellie you're the winner. come on i'll give you a boost."

ellie turned on her heels her mouths widen in shock at joel, "the finger never lies." he said shrugging his shoulders and waving for ellie to go over it him. ellie grumbled underneath her breath practically stomping over towards joel who was ready to boost her.

maria stayed on the bottom with her arms crossed watching as ellie took in a deep breath before putting her foot on joel's crossed hands. "one, two, up." joel boosted her up and ellie became a gymnastic at the moment, putting her foot on joel's shoulder and joel threw her over the edge. "ya got it?"

"yeah." ellie panted pushing on the latter. maria frowned her eyebrows when ellie put the latter back down and looked over the edge. "can you boost maria up as well?"

"uh, sure?" joel said in more as a question. ellie waited until joel helped maria up as well.

"drop me joel and i'll hunt you." maria warned putting her foot on his hands then on his shoulder. she jumped as joel pushed her over the edge. "ow fuck!" maria groaned landing on her arm and turning to her back.

"hey." ellie said looking at her upside down. "get up and look." ellie lifted up maria from the ground and pointed over to what she was talking about. ellie intertwined their fingers together and accidentally kicked down the latter when she started running with maria.

"goddamn it, mariposa! ellie!" joel shouted when the latter landed on the ground below him with a loud bang. "where are you guys?!" he asked spinning around in circles once she reached the top not being able to find where they are.

"up here, joel!" maria shouted panting heavily as her and ellie ran up the stairs. "come on!" ellie shouted as well letting out a laugh running towards the light. joel ran behind them worried about where they were headed. but the girls never stopped, they continued running through the building.

until they reached outside and were blessed with the most beautiful sight ever. during their almost full year of the road-trip, never has maria nor ellie seen something as beautiful as this creature in front of them. a giraffe, standing right in front of them eating the leaves from the branches up in the building. it was a beautiful day, a beautiful sight.

"don't scare it." ellie whispered to joel once he reached up to them. he himself was shocked but also admiring the animal in front of them. joel then went over to the branches and snatch away a big chunk of the leaves.

"what are you doing?" maria asked.

"it's all right. come on." joel said nodding his head towards him. maria was the closes one and separated herself from ellie. "walk faster." maria scoffed grabbing the leaves from his hand. maria looked down at her feet and stepped all the way to the front until the front of her toes were on the edge.

maria wasn't afraid of falling, in fact, she was feeding off the adrenaline along with the thing that the giraffe could also knock her over. maria held her hands out and her arms extending to the giraffe. "hey beautiful," maria cooed and joel melted at the sight. there it was again, the wide smile returning onto maria's lips and a giggle escaping. "el."

ellie stepped forward, shoulder to shoulder, leaning back slightly to reach towards the leaves that joel miller was handing her. "hey there." ellie cooed as well and laughed when the giraffes tongue and mouth buried its face on her hand eating the grass.

joel miller felt the happiest man at that moment. both of his girls giggling and smiling filling the air as the giraffe kept on coming back to eat the grass from their hands. this was what he wanted to see everyday not them being lost, sad, depressed even. he hated that but oh, how much he loves seeing them happy.

"no, where's she going." ellie whined and maria backed up running after the giraffe. "come on, come on, come on, come on!" maria and ellie ran up the stairs and bursting through the door.

"holy fucking shit!" maria shrieked softly coming into a harsh stop. she put her hands on the edge lifting herself off the ground a bit. ellie gasped bumping into her and looking at the scene in front of her.

there were at least a dozen of giraffes in front of them. living their peaceful and unbothered life. "is it everything ya hoped for?" joel said mocking himself from the first time they had their real short length conversation.

"it's got it's ups and down." ellie said looking over at maria who grinned.

"but, man, you can't deny that view." maria said mocking ellie. she looked up at joel who chuckled. she then turned her head over to ellie who was already looking at her, intensely. maria pressed her stomach on the wall and smiled at ellie, "what? do i have something on my face?"

"no." she whispered matching her smile.

"guys, uh look." joel cleared his throat rocking back and forth looking out at the giraffes bringing the attention of maria and ellie over to him. "i don't exactly where the hospital is-"

"yeah, we'll find it." said ellie.

"sure. it's just," joel started saying putting his hand up in a fist and banging softly on the wall. "maybe there's nothin' bad out there, but so far there's always been somethin' bad out there."

"we always pull through and look where we are now." maria said talking about everything they went through to be able to be here. from joel first getting them by marlene, tess getting infected, meeting and loosing sam and henry, going to jackson and realizing that this can be their new home, and finally the horror events. they've come so far and they're still all physically together. mentally they're shattered.

"i know. i'm only saying there's risk." joel said and it clicked for maria. he was backing out, and he was trying to get them to back down because one of them doesn't back down nor is the other one. "we don't have to do this. i just want you to know that."

"what do you mean? what else are we supposed to do?" ellie asked turning to her side and leaning her forearm on the concrete rail.

"stay." maria whispered and joel moved his gaze from the giraffes and down at the teenage girls giving them a nod.

"we can go back to tommy's. we know that tommy gave us a house to stay, maggie is waiting for us there. we can forget about the whole damn thing."

"after all we've been through, everything we've done, it can't be for nothing." ellie said shaking her head at his attempt to take them back home and away from any more risk. but that would just mean that all the risk they went through, all the trauma that entered their teenage minds would be for nothing. "i know you mean well. i know you wanna protect me, protect us. you have. and when we're done, we'll go wherever you want. tommy's, sheep ranch, the moon. well even be those stupid flower girls for your and maggie's wedding."

"we're not- we're not getting married." joel denied, his face turning completely red and looking away from maria who chuckled at his reaction.

"joel, she's my sister, she tells me things. i know more than you and i know a few things that you don't know." maria teased holding a finger in front of joel's face and wiggling it around and went back to seriousness. "joel, ellie and i will follow where you go. whenever you want."

"but there's no halfway with this. we finish what we started."