SURVIVORS GUILT
୨⎯ chapter thirteen ⎯୧

━━━━ hell wasn't a fire burning place underneath them, with billions of people burning up alive while a red guy with horns watched over them.

true hell was these past few three months. for mariposa, this was her hell. the first few weeks after the tragic even of the two brothers, maria was in literal head. waking up in the middle of the night with the image of sam lifeless on the ground and henry taking his own life away.

there was a day at the end of the first month where maria isolated herself. she wouldn't talk to joel, maggie and not even a peep to ellie. it was no secret to the adults that ellie was worried sick about the chaotic brown hair girl.

once the second month hit, maria started going back to her normal self. making sarcastic comments to ellie's comments, teasing joel whenever she caught him blushing furiously when maggie made a flirty comment and still trying to get maggie to confess that she loves joel.

third month hit and she hardly thought at the innocent brothers. the autumn leaves soon turned into the winter snow. the brown, warm and breezy august through november turned into white, cold and snowy december.

even though maria still felt like she was in hell, she managed to live through her own hell. maria started getting closer to joel, every now and then the red hair girl and the grumpy man would walk in the front. maria would talk and joel would listen.

joel, on rare occasions, he would speak up about something giving advice to maria who would listen closely knowing that joel's advice come once in a lifetime. or in her case once every few weeks.

like there was this one time when maria rambled on about having a boyfriend. she may have gotten a little off topic because at first she was talking about how he should be open about his feelings with maggie but then her mind went another way and her mouth followed along.

maria then said, "the only boy i ever truly liked he, um, he died. he was my best friends brother, not ellie another girl. anyways, let's move on. i don't think i'll ever go down the boyfriend path again, i don't even think boys are my thing anymore." joel looked down at her and watched as she glanced back over at ellie and smiled softly.

joel shook his head lightly and looked back to his front. he then gave the advice to maria that she'll never forget and has been thinking about it all the time since then.

"whatever path you pick, don't ever follow the bullshit of your gut. that's only when your out fighting something inhuman. follow your heart," he said and then he grumbled underneath his breath, "hate how that sounds." his voice then raised back to normal glaring at maria who giggled, "your heart is the only thing that will never lie to you. and if your heart is picking blabber mouth over there, pick her. don't lose her because you decided to follow your gut."

maria would smile at the memory that was sometimes pop up whenever she would talk to ellie and her heart would flip, butterflies would form in her stomach and her palms would start sweeting.

and if your heart is picking blabber mouth over there, pick her. don't lose her because you decided to follow your gut.

now, it was close to the end of december. they finally found shelter after a blizzard hit them. when they entered a woman was sitting on the chair rocking back and forth. she didn't seem fazed neither concerned when maggie pointed her rifle at her.

it also surprised them all when she offered them food, soup to be exact and gave the girls fresh pair of clothes along with gloves and beanies. sasha and ellie ran upstairs to change while maggie and joel stayed downstairs waiting for the woman to do something but she never did anything and gave them soup.

maria only changed out of her filthy sweater and cardigan. she put on the blue thick jacket over her black t-shirt, that the woman gave her and then a green vest on top putting her gun and knife inside. she grabbed the black gloves along with the black beanie.

ellie changed as well. she put on a grey hoodie that had trees on the neckline of it and a fuzzy jacket on top. she got black gloves and a grey beanie. maria giggled softly at ellie who was struggling to put on her shoes. ellie was getting hot, especially now that she's covered in layers.

"why are you giggling?" ellie whispered over at maria and she finally managed to get her shoes tied, at the same time as an unknown man walked inside and joel started talking.

"nothing, you just look cute." maria whispered back going over to sit on the top stairs. maria prayed that she half heard her but at the same time wished she didn't. ellie did hear but didn't say anything back but she smiled gently continuing to tie her shoe.

"can we come down?" maria asked pressed her forehead on the wood railing. she heard the kind woman mentioning ellie and maria.

"no." said joel but it was too late cause maria got up starting to go downstairs with ellie following behind. "ellie! mariposa!"

maria reached the bottom unarmed but ellie had her gun in front and walked in front of maria. "what did i just say?" joel deadpanned.

maria shrugged her shoulders, "i thought you said, yes." maria said giving him innocent smile. the woman chuckled.

"joel, come on. they're like a thousand." ellie said as a matter-of-fact. she moved slightly in front of maria as the man averted his gaze over to the teenage girls.

"who's this little psychos." he said pointing over to ellie and maria.

"never mind them. i need you to tell us where we are." joel said shoving the map in front of him and turning the map around.

"if you got a map, why you lost?"

"must've missed all the street signs in the enormous fucking forest." ellie snarled without missing a beat. maria laughed throwing her head back.

"ho-ly. you have a feisty girlfriend." he said looking over ellie and to maria who's laughter died down but the smile stayed on her face. maggie raised an eyebrow at maria who didn't deny it and ellie could feel her entire body heat up.

"she has her moments." maria said shrugging her shoulders.

joel ignored them not really caring about their side conversation. he leaned down and pointed down the map, "we're somewhere here. exactly where? and your answer better be the same as your wife's."

the man looked over at the woman and gave her a lazy look, "did you tell him the trust?"

"yeah."

"and you tellin' me the truth?"

"yeah." the woman said not fazed by him and continuing to rock back and forth. the man rolled his eyes and leaned forward pointing at joel. once he did, joel put his gun away. not finding them as a threat anymore.

maria rounded ellie and sat down on the couch, scooting herself to the edge where ellie was sitting down. maria crossed her arms over her chest and leaned back.

"well, you found a great place to hide, i guess." joel muttered sitting down on the chair and pulling maggie with him, but for the sake of everybody, sitting her down on the couch.

"hide? we came here before you were born sonny. get the hell away from everybody." he said taken back by joel's comment.

"i didn't want to." the woman said but the man grunted and waved her off. maggie was going to open her mouth to ask her why but the man cut her off.

"listen, i didn't mean to upset you about your brother but if you come this far than you know what's out there. have you seen cody?" he asked making ellie and maria nod their head.

"yeah, got close enough." said ellie looking down at her lap.

"it's crawled with infected." maria finished saying putting her lips in a tight line and nodded her head. maria started fidgeting with her fingers out of pure boredom. she looked over at ellie and grabbed her hand bringing it down to her lap and started to fidget with hers instead.

"yeah, laramie and wind river reservation. anywhere people used to be, you can't go there no more." he explained nodding his head.

"so you haven't heard the name tommy?" joel asked.

"nope."

"what about the fireflies?" maggie asked leaning forward on her knees.

"we get those in the summer."

ellie scoffed giving her a serious look, "not the bugs, the people."

maria laughed continuing to fidget with ellie's fingers. "there are fireflies people?" the woman asked making the man laugh loudly and soon the woman started laughing as well.

"you got any advice on the best way west?" asked joel.

"yeah," he nodded his head and leaning forward as well, "go east. but you never go past the river here. ever."

"what's past the river?" ellie ask intrigued.

"death. we never seen who's out there, but we see the bodies they leave behind. some infected, some not. if your brothers west of the river, he's gone."

maria scoffed this time and shook her head and stopped playing with ellie's fingers. "you're not gonna scare us."

"scared him."

of course, despite the fact that joel was in fact scared of what might be beyond that river and having an attack which maggie helped with him. joel was determined to find his brother and he was going to find him.

the walk was fascinating for maria. they entered a part where there was no snow and it felt more like fall but then they entered the snow again. maria held the map in front of her and ellie as they finally reached the river.

"the river of death. scary." ellie said in a mocking tone. maria folded up the map and shoved it inside her green vest and stood besides ellie as they looked out towards the river.

"don't start," joel said looking out towards the river as well. "it's too close to dark. there's some caves along the river. we'll set up camp there, cross in the mornin'."

"good, i'm starving." ellie whined and maria nodded her head agreeing and putting a hand on her stomach. "should've stolen two rabbits."

maria made a disgusted look at the thought of eating rabbits but it was the only thing that was going to keep them from actually starving. "you should've gotten all three of them."

"we can get our own rabbits." joel muttered making ellie and maria turn their head rapidly over to joel.

"you gonna teach us how?" ellie asked. the silence that joel gave the two girls caused excitement to rush through their body. maria smiled widely at joel who looked away.

"just keep movin'." joel said.

ellie and maria sighed deeply and continued to walk. joel glanced over at maggie who laughed in amusement. joel rolled her eyes at the older woman and held his hand out towards maggie who grabbed it smoothly.

they soon reached a place to rest. the sun was starting to set, it was getting colder by the second and they were all getting hungrier. joel and maggie left ellie and maria alone to go and find wood for a fire.

"el, help me." maria grunted holding onto the rock. ellie came up behind her and pushed her up by her feet giving maria a push. "thanks." maria breathed out kneeling on the rock and holding her hand out for ellie to grab and help her up the rock.

once ellie reached the top of the rock, the teenage girls looked up at the sky. maria smiled softly as the stars started to pop up and the moon shined on them. "holy shit dude, look."

maria glanced over at ellie who was pointing up at the sky. maria's gazed followed her pointed finger and her mouth gaped open and her eyes widen in fascination.

never in her fourteen years of living has she seen a sight more beautiful. there were rays of green light mixed with a little purple. but it filled the entire sky. it looked so surreal but neither maria nor ellie could look away. their necks being twisted up at the lights not caring if their necks are cramping up, seeing these lights were once in a lifetime.

maria leaned against the bigger rock and laid down on her back to look at them from a better view. ellie stayed standing up not caring how many feets high she was. joel and maggie arrived minutes ago, joel already staring the fire and maggie looked up to what they were doing.

"it's called an aurora," maggie said.

"woah. what else?" maria breathed out looking down at maggie who was standing up with her arms crossed over her chest and looking up at the sky. maria looked back up at the sky and it was like seeing them for the first time again.

"well, they're more commonly known as the northern lights. they're a natural light display in earths sky. it's an interaction of the solar wind and the earths magnetic field. that's all i have memorized." maggie explained and the teenage girls breathed out another "wow"

"okay, come down from there. you're gonna break your neck. sasha you might slide down from there, these rocks are slippery." joel said looking up at them and only having to tell them once. ellie got down first and helped maria down as well.

maggie sat down besides joel, both of them sharing the coffee. ellie and maria sat across from them. "can i try some?" asked ellie nodding her head to the coffee.

"no."

"what? just to warm up. c'mon." ellie said giving joel a pleading look. joel gave it and waited until maggie finished drinking from it before passing it down to ellie. the girl took one sip from it and instantly gagged passing it down to maria. "yep. still gross."

"ugh, no." maria gagged as well and passed the coffee back to maggie who shook her head at them and gave it over to joel.

"so i've been thinking." said ellie causing maria to gasp dramatically.

"oh no." maria put a hand over her mouth causing ellie to glare at her playfully and push her shoulder.

"your such an ass." ellie scoffed but grinned either way. maria shrugged her shoulders grinning back at ellie. "let's say we find the fireflies, it all works, they draw my blood and put it through some of their fancy machines and make a cure."

"okay?" joel said nodding his head. ellie practically telling joel and maggie the whole process that they already knew.

"then what? like, what do we do?" ellie asked giving joel a questioning look. joel was taken back slightly by the we. he wasn't taken back offensively, he just never thought about the after clearly enough. he's mentioned a few things to magggie about the after but it never felt just right. it never felt correct.

"it's "we"?" joel asked.

ellie stopped for a second and rolled her eyes. "okay fine, whatever, you and maggie." she grumbled not really wanting to say maria, her as well never thinking about the after. and if the afters going to hold maria in her life or not. "you guys can do anything you want. where are you going? what are you doing?"

"it's never been an option." joel looked up at the stars and then down at maggie. "maybe an old farmhouse, some land, a ranch." building a family, he also wanted to say as his eyes locked with maggie's. it all flashed in his mind, his perfect utopia.

"cool. what kind?" ellie asked.

"oh my god you could have like those farm dogs with you. i remember saying a book where the dog is like white with black spots. and it talked, apparently." maria commented remembering the book as clear as day.

"sheep, i would raise sheep. and your talking about mickeys farm." joel said answering both of their questions and statements. maria nodded her head keeping that name in her mind.

"sheep." ellie breathed out.

"they're quiet. do what they're told." joel said. ellie and maria gave each other a side eye look before looking over at joel knowing that he was talking about them.

"yeah, yeah. okay. and you maggie?" ellie asked turning her gaze over to maggie. the older woman's eyes finally drifting away from joel.

"with me." joel answered causing maggie slap him in the arm but neitherless nodding her head.

"i do like the idea of a dog. imagine, sheep's and a dog." maggie grinned from side to side looking up at joel with dreamy eyes. maria admired the way that joel's hold stone eyes soften when he glanced down at maggie and grinned as well.

"so, just you, maggie, a farm dog and a buncha sheep. romantic." ellie teased nodding her head.

"and what about you? where are you gonna go?" joel asked. his question was focused on one person but he was glancing back and forth from ellie and maria. ellie put her lips in a tight line playing with her jeans, maria just hugged her legs up to her chest and shrugged her shoulders dropping her head on her knees.

she could choose to go with joel and maggie. the oldest espinosa already talked about it with joel during one of their deep conversation. joel didn't argue back with the idea of maggie taking in maria. but the brown hair girl could also choose to stay with ellie, to be with ellie.

"it's probably because i grew up in the qz. behind you, there's ocean, and ahead of you, there's a wall. nowhere else to look but up. i read everything i could in the school library, half of them sasha would force me to read. they weren't half bad." ellie said and maria chuckled lightly. she did in fact made ellie read all the books she liked. ellie pretended she didn't like them but she did, she just never told sasha the truth.

"neil armstrong, buzz aldrin, jim lovell. maria's favorites being jane austen, charles dickens, stephen king. but you know who my favorite is?" ellie asked leaning forward for more suspense.

"sally ride." maggie and joel answered in sync.

"sally fuckin' ride! best astronaut name ever." ellie said clapping her hands on her lap multiple times smiling widely at maria who smiled back at ellie. maria watched ellie as her smile died down, and she started thinking of something new. "it'll work, right? the vaccine?"

joel didn't answer her for a straight one minute before saying, "it's a little late to start wonderin'."

"i tried, with sam." ellie admitted started to fidget with her fingers in order to contain her emotions in and not break.

"tried what?" maggie asked softly to ellie.

"i knew he was infected. maria saw. i rubbed some of my blood into his bite. i know, i know, it was stupid. but i- i wanted to save him." ellie said giving maggie a frown and then glancing back at her hands.

"well, i reckon it's a lot more complicated than that. marlene, she's a lotta things, but she's no fool. if she says they can do it, they can do it."

the group silence down all deep into their own thoughts. maria sniffed up and wiped away the single tear that escaped her eye. "do you believe in faith?" sasha whispered asked.

joel and maggie locked gazes. joel gave her the silent, you do it, signal. maggie rubbed her palms on her jeans and looked directly at sasha. "i think that, as long as you believe in faith, that's enough."

-ˋˏ ༻❁༺ ˎˊ-

a.n -
i didn't really want sasha to speak
about the "what are you going to do after." part
because not even i know. i'm debating with two different endings.

i'm also struggling with the david episode, i don't know if i want them both going through the horrible shit with david or if i want sasha to switch with ellie. i don't really wanna do that though.

anyways, college in hawaii is my new goal - i also just published a pope heyward book!