SURVIVORS GUILT
୨⎯ chapter eight ⎯୧

━━━━ if you told maria she would be laying on a hood of a car with her long lost sister that was yelling at a man who always has a cold stone face because he was transferring the gas wrong to the tank, with ellie being inside of the building to use the bathroom. sasha would have laughed at your face.

yet here she was, with maggie yelling at joel telling him to let her do it. at some point between ellie coming back and maria telling joel to just give up, maggie was now doing it with an angry joel behind her.

"we have to do this every hour?" ellie asked leaning against the hood of the car handing maria a granola bar. the girl stood up and scooted herself down the hood grabbing it from her. she broke it in quarters, taking one and giving it back to ellie who handed them out.

"gas breaks down over time. this stuffs almost water. back in the day, we'd drive 10-12 hours on one tank. you could go anywhere." joel explained instead of maggie who had the same exact question but joel beat her to it also not missing the chance to send her a cocky grin.

"so where'd you go?" ellie asked not really caring who answered.

"practically nowhere." joel said and then went silent as maggie held out the tube for joel to do this work. joel gave maggie a stern nod and switched positions with her as he started blowing it in and transferring the gas from the abandoned car to the red tank.

"nice! how does that work?"

"it's a siphon." joel said and looked at ellie a little longer squinting his eyes and putting his lips on a tight line. immediately the espinosa sisters knew that joel didn't have a single clue. "it's when liquid travels against gravity because pressure-"

while he continued to struggle out words ellie turned her head slightly over to maria who let out a chuckle leaning her head on ellie's arm. "you don't know." ellie said.

"i know it works." joel snapped back glaring at maggie who shook her head at him laughing at his clueless face. ellie then did a spin in her spot and was going to start exploring. "no wandering."

ellie then stopped in her footsteps and went back to maria leaning against the hood. it was about a minute of pure silence before ellie got bored. "okay," ellie said catching their attention. she turned around putting her backpack on the hood and the gave joel and maggie a suspense look, "this is your fault then. maggie this is his fault."

when ellie took out the book maria felt something tugging on her heart. maggie and joel gave each other a confused look as ellie opened up the book and cleared her throat.

"it doesn't matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationary." ellie said and even though the joke wasn't funny maria still breathed out a chuckle. the tug in her heart leaving instantly when ellie started talking. maybe that book holds unforgettable memories but that doesn't mean that whenever sasha or anything reminds maria of her, it has to be turned into a sad memory.

"oh god." maggie laughed putting a hand over her mouth leaning it on the arm around her waist.

"no pun intended, volume too" by will livingston. "volume too" look." ellie laughed a grin plastered on her faces as she showed the adults the book cover. maria laughed but not at the joke but at ellie, who, at the moment, seemed so proud of what she had just read out loud. "you get it? "too"? like, t-o-o."

"jesus." joel breathed out shaking his head and standing up from the ground. joel glanced over at maggie and then over at ellie and maria then back at maggie giving her a look.

"what did the mermaid wear to her math class?" ellie asked and to add suspense she leaned forward staring deep into joel and maggie before leaning back and laughing out, "an algae bra. like, algae bra."

ellie laughed a while about that one before looking down at the next one, "i stayed up all night wondering where the sun went, and then it dawned on me."

"feel free to wait in the truck." joel snapped leaning against the car glaring at all the girls who were laughing at the dad jokes. despite that there was a small tugging on his upper lip very close to letting lose and lift up. but joel being joel, he contained it.

"wait let me find one." maria said reaching her hand out towards ellie who handed her the book still laughing about her previous joke. "a book fell on my head, i only have myself to blame." maria read through it again and burst into laughter, "oh shit i said it wrong."

"leave ellie with the jokes." joel said crossing his arms over his chest. maggie slapped him on his arm while ellie was reading over her shoulder.

"let me read it again, hold on! a book just fell on my head, i only have myshelf to blame." maria let out a dry chuckle and everyone was giving her a blank stare. maria slammed the book shut and said, "ruined it."

"the truck offer is still up." joel said pointing over to the truck. maria put the book back inside ellie's back who was giving her a teasing smile.

"just know, you can't escape will livingston. he'll be back. there's nothing you can do to stop him."

there was a point in the road trip - as always - ellie and maria were bored to the point where maria started horribly singing along to the unknown song playing. joel told her to shut up numerous times and maggie cringed not having the heart to tell maria anything.

but when sasha scooted herself up on her seat, her feet slipped on something catching her attention. she kneeled down and grabbed the magazine from the ground, "el, look."

neither joel or maggie questioned what she found being glad that maria didn't continue. ellie glanced at maria who moved herself closer to her, placing her hand on ellie's arm and her chin on her shoulder. ellie snapped out of her haze and opened up the magazine.

straight off the back maria's and ellie's eyes widen in both utter horror and shock. maria tilted her head to the side as her mouth dropped at the picture. "it's light on the reading, but it has some interesting pictures."

"let me see." maggie said turning around in her seat and gasped as she saw the cover of the magazine. "wow, he's wow."

"maggie, don't." joel warned giving maggie a glare and looked at the girls through the rear mirror. "put that back. that's not for kids, ellie. mariposa take it away from her. no, don't. maggie a little help?!"

maggie giggled shaking her head. ellie then flipped the page turning it to the side as a completely naked man appeared full size on them. "besides you know, that, he's beautiful. maggie look." maria said not looking directly at it but more towards his toned body. she definitely didn't like men after looking at this magazine but she can't deny.

"how would he even walk around with that thing?" ellie gasped ignoring what sasha just said and showed it briefly to maggie who's eyes widen and mouth dropped.

"seriously," maggie said looking at joel, "wow."

"please get rid of it. maggie watch it." joel said sternly and maria chuckled at the way joel was getting madly jealous at the fact that maggie was fascinating over another man's body. he wasn't even hiding it.

"hold your horses. i wanna see what all the fuss is about." ellie said and continued to flip through the pages. showing maggie as well who was living her life messing around with joel. maria still had her head on ellie's shoulder but she was looking more at the mans face than anything else.

ellie suddenly stopped and locked eyes with joel through the rear mirror, "why are all these pages stuck together?"

maggie, ellie and maria all looked at joel for a response. joel would have never thought that the first girl he would be having the talk with, was going to be the woman who he loves and two teenage girls who he has slowly been growing protective over. so as he tried getting out the perfect words, the three girls were enjoying it.

"i'm just fucking with ya!" ellie chuckled closing up the magazine and rolling it up. she leaned her arm forward and slapped him on the arm. ellie then handed the magazine over to maria who had the window rolled down.

she threw it out the window and both girls stuck their arm out waving at the magazine and shouting, "bye-bye dude!"

the rest of the car ride was smooth. the music kept on reaping itself and maggie found a album cd inside the compartment and put it inside. the music was rock genre so it kept them all entertained with the music.

joel then, surprisingly, went on to explaining who the rock band was. from what maria and ellie picked up before they completely knocked out was that their name was guns n' roses. his favorite song from them was, don't cry. joel and maggie jammed out the rest of their album.

they didn't even notice how quiet the two girls were until the last song ended. maggie turned her head and joel eyes them through the rear mirror. they were asleep, on top of each other.

ellie's upper body was laid down on the seat, her seatbelt keeping her lower body steady. her head was rested on maria's lap. maria was laying on top of ellie, her head resting on her folding arms. both of their soft snores filling the truck.

once joel noticed maggie slowly drifting off to sleep he drove about 30 more minutes before he said, "all right. that's enough for today." maggie's eyes shot open. joel drifted off to the forest, using the little amount of sunlight they have left to find a good and safe place.

ellie and maria woke up in between the rough and bumpy ride inside of the forest. maria wiped w side of her mouth as she felt droll on herself. ellie doing the exact same thing. joel then parked and as he set up their spot, maggie started to heat up their dinner.

maria sprawled out her bag but ended up deeply stretching and messing up her sleeping bag. maria let out a loud sigh dropping her arms to the side and looking over at ellie who was watching and listening to maggie.

maria smiled softly and made her way over to ellie, dropping down besides her. joel soon joined them and in a couple of minutes maggie stared to serve their food. lucky for them, they all got a good handful amount of the food which looked delicious.

ellie began munching on the food like there was no tomorrow. sasha was the same but in a less quicken pace. maggie eat her food in a normal pace and unconsciously dropping her head on joel's arm but continued eating. joel was eating slow.

"slow down." joel said warningly to ellie.

"this is slow." ellie said taking another spoonful of the food, "what even is this?"

"this is 20-year-old chef boyardee ravioli." joel said right at the same time when ellie bite down her fork dramatically.

"that guy was good."

"i actually agree." joel said starting to eat at a normal pace instead of a slow one like before. he frowned his eyebrows immediately after maggie took her head off his arm.

ellie waited until she swallowed her food before asking, "how long are we staying here?"

"i figure i sleep tonight and drive tomorrow all day, all night, get us to wyoming by next morning'." joel
explained. all three girls nodded their head at his plan.

"wait can we do one of those fires? like the ones they do at those camps. oh my god, joel, you could sing us one of you texas songs." maria said grinning from side to side. joel looked at her boredly especially when she said texas with an accent.

"i don't talk like that." said joel.

"i don't talk like that." mocked maria again with a southern accent. "i should so be an interpreter."

"honey, you mean an impressionist." maggie said to maria letting out a light chuckle. maria made a, o, shape with her mouth and nodded her head.

after dinner it got dark pretty fast and they all started to get ready for bed. the lantern being in between joel and maggie and maria and ellie. maria closed her eyes and was ready for sleep to greet her until ellie called out for maggie and joel.

"what." snapped joel.

"yeah." said maggie in a more softer tone than joel.

"can i ask you a question?" ellie asked turning her head to the side looking at the adults. not noticing how maggie was cuddled up to joel taking in his warmth.

"yeah." the adults said. joel's voice matching the gentle tone of maggie.

ellie sighed deeply and looked up at the stars and said, "why did the scarecrow get an award?"

joel, who had his back facing ellie and maria, twisted his neck to look at ellie. maggie propped herself on her elbow and stared thinking not knowing this joke. "because he was outstanding in his field." said joel taking away ellie's joke.

maria's muffled laugh was heard as she pressed her head on her pillow. "you dick!" ellie exclaimed digging up in her sleeping bag, "did you read this?"

"no. now go to sleep." joel grumbled. maggie chuckled dropping her head on his chest. joel's hand found it's way to her hair and started running his fingers through it sending her a wave of comfort and safety.

"those people you said," ellie whispered over to joel and maggie as she looked up at the stars again. "there's no way anyone knows we're here. right? no one's gonna find us."

but even though his response was, "no one's gonna find us." joel miller and maggie espinosa couldn't help it and let their parental instinct kick in. maggie moved her head away from joel and their eyes locked. without saying anything they already knew what they were going to do.

"ellie?" maria whispered but the girl was already drowsy and managed to let out a hum. maria didn't say anything else other than scooted herself closer  to ellie. until her arms touched her chest. maria stayed like that and finally let sleep consume her.

so did ellie as she now had maria besides her, close. the two teenage girls slept soundly while the two adults monitored the forest all night along, protecting them. not daring to take any chances.

"what the fuck is that?!" ellie shouted which accidentally woke up maria who was still asleep. ellie quickly shut her mouth giving maria a sorry glance.

"you don't like coffee?" joel asked making ellie grimace at him. ellie closed the lid to the boiling pot of coffee and with a soft groan she fell back down besides maria.

maria rubbed her hands on her eyes. maria still kept them closer. she sprung her arms open, one of them falling on top of ellie and the other one landing on the grass. ellie pushed it away but maria brought it back this time landing it on her head. maria twisted her hand in an awkward position and patted ellie's head.

"your so weird, mari." ellie mumbled against the pillow. maria let out a giggle rolling in her sleeping bag. on purpose she rolled on top of ellie, staying on ellie's back a little longer before the girl pushed her off making her land on the grass with a soft thud.

"youre being mean." maria grumbled sitting up and rubbed her eyes once more. eventually the four of them landed back inside the truck. maria went in the front this time while maggie and ellie rode in the back.

maggie took a sip of the coffee and handed it over to joel to also took a sip. "is that seriously what those starbucks in the qz used to sell?" asked ellie with a disgust face.

"well, theirs was a lot fresher than what bill saved up, but yeah, this is what they sold." joel explained placing it down on the cup holder leaving it open. the entire truck started to smell like the black coffee that joel and maggie were drinking.

"smells like burnt shit."

just to mess with ellie and maria. joel brought it back to his lips but made a huge slurping noise looking at maria and then through the rear mirror at ellie. both girls glaring at him.

"you're an ass." maria said wanting to tilt the cup up to make it spill on him or at least scare him. but she decided against the impulsive thought.

"eyes on the map." joel told maria who whined. one of the perks of being in the front was, well, being in the front. one of the cons was that joel made you his gps and wanted every direction clear and well read.

maria scanned the map making sure she was reading it right and said, "76 west and then, 70 west. joel imma be 30 the time we arrive at wyoming." maria whined throwing her head back on the seat.

"where in wyoming did you say your brother was?" ellie asked leaning forward on the seat. maria frowned her eyebrows not understand the map and ellie rolled her eyes reaching forward and turning the map from being upside down.

"last contact came through a radio tower close to cody." joel said and maria opened up the map to wyoming. she squinted her eyes and brought the map closer to her eyes. "mariposa, stop reading like a grandma and read properly."

"mind i remind you that i am blind. i broke my glasses and my eyes are still not used to it." sasha said lightly harsh at joel who shrugged his shoulders. maria sighed deeply and then went on to look for cody. it took her a minute but she found it. "oh wow, that's far."

"and if he's not there?" asked ellie.

"then odds are he'll be near a settlement, probably close to another city out there. ain't too many of 'em in wyoming." joel said and gave ellie a weird look as she snatched the map away from maria who put her lips in a tight line.

"chee-yen." ellie read although it sounded incorrect she still went on with it.

"cheyenne." joel corrected.

"che- really?" ellie stopped mid sentence looking over at joel who nodded his head. "cheyenne, laramie, casper? what's his name?"

"whose name?"

"your brother." asked ellie.

"tommy." joel said giving her a short answer.

"younger or older?" maria asked.

"younger."

"why isn't he with you?" ellie asked.

"a long story."

"is it longer than 25 hours? you might even finish early." maria and ellie looked at joel. he shook his head but the teenage girls wouldn't stop begging him with their eyes. "joel please or we're going to die of boredom."

joel grunted pressing on the gas. he slowed down and sat straighter on his seat. "tommy's what we used to call a "joiner." dreams of becomin' a hero. so he enlisted in the army right outta high school. a few months later, they ship him off to desert storm. it's what they called that war. it doesn't matter. point is, bein' in the army didn't make him feel much like a hero. cut to 23 years later, outbreak happens. he convinced me to join a group makin' their way up to boston, which i did, most to keep an eye on him, keep him alive.

it's where we met tess and maggie. and that whole crew, we," joel went silent. maggie and joel locked eyes through the rear mirror. she send him a upside down smile. "well, for what it was, it worked. and then tommy meets marlene. she talks him into joinin' the fireflies. same mistake he made when he was 18. wants to save the world. pipe dream. him, fireflies, all of 'em, delusional. 'cause, last i heard he quit the fireflies, too. so now he's on his own out there and i gotta go get him."

joel noticed the way that maria's face dropped at his last sentence. sure maggie may be here now but tommy and joel has only been apart for a few months and joel is close to finding him, not giving up despite all the months. it took maggie eleven years and she wasn't even finding maria, it was a coincidence.

"if you don't think there's hope for the world, why bother going on?" ellie asked leaning forward again. her head on maria's seat. "i mean, you gotta try, right?"

"and how do you know he even wants to be found?" maria asked turning her head to joel.

"you haven't seen the world, so you don't know." joel said answering ellie's question and trying to think for a question for maria. "you keep goin' for family. that's about it. family will always need each other."

tears whelmed up inside maria's eyes. she exhaled deeply quickly moving her head downwards and blinked her tears away. but the more she blinked she more they whelmed up. she cleared her throat roughly the second that she felt a lump at the back of her throat.

"i'm not family." said ellie.

"no," joel quickly shook his head but it didn't go unnoticed by maggie when his hand tighten around the steering wheel. "your cargo. and i made a promise to tess. and she was like family."

-ˋˏ ༻❁༺ ˎˊ-

a.n -
originally this chapter was 5000 words
but i decided to cut it short and put it in two parts.