ELEVEN

I didn't see him until Monday night.

He didn't show up at school. Mac and Dylan tried to pry information out of me as to why I was hurting so bad, but I wouldn't talk. They didn't need to know about anything until he was gone. I wasn't ready to talk about why I was so hurt that he was leaving.

I had just gotten off of work. It was a terrible day. I didn't get many tips, which didn't bother me, but my boss had a stick up her ass tonight and took it out on me. Not to mention, school was draining, so I was just in a sour mood altogether.

So when I pulled into my driveway to see Jameson's SUV parked outside of my house, I wanted to throw something.

He wasn't even in it, which meant there was a chance my mom had let him in. And him being here meant one thing . . . He was here to say goodbye. I grabbed my bag and sulked towards the house. I stood outside of the door for too long, trying to hype myself up for going in there and facing him. I wondered if my mom had any idea that this was the boy.

With a shaky breath, I turned the door handle and pushed it open. I stopped breathing when I saw him sitting on the couch. Beth was handing him a plate of plastic food, pretending to sip tea out of a cup. My mom was looking bewildered in the arm chair, shooting me the 'We're going to talk about this later' eyes. I dropped my bag on the floor, making Jameson look up at me.

"Hi," I said quietly.

"Cade, you're home!" Beth shrieked, running with open arms. I scooped her up, not taking my eyes off of the boy in my house. "Do you want to play with me and Jameson?"

I cleared my throat. "Oh, sorry, kiddo. Jameson's gotta get going soon."

He stood up, placing his gourmet meal down on the play table and stuffing his hands in his pockets. I didn't want him here. I didn't fucking want him here. "I was wondering if we could talk for a minute?" Jameson asked, glancing over at my mom. "Thank you for letting me wait in here, Ms. Mustaf."

"You can call me Gina," she said warily. Her last name was not Mustaf.

Placing Beth down, I gulped and nodded. "Fine."

He followed me to my room. I closed the door behind us, not wanting any nosy little ones coming in while I inevitably start crying. Jameson looked around, rocking on his heels. I felt self conscious, like my life was on display.

"I'm leaving tomorrow," he said.

I wanted to play this right. He didn't deserve to see me get worked up. So I nodded coolly, sitting down on the bed, not saying anything. Jameson followed and sat facing me, reaching for my hand like he did in the car. I pulled it away.

He sighed, settling with putting his hands in his lap. "I'm not doing this to hurt you, Petals," he whispered, making me look at him. I memorized the color of his eyes and the shape of his jaw, the way his hair fell over his forehead. "And it won't be the last time you'll see me."

"Why do you have to go?" I asked, my voice breaking.

"Because of you," he said so quietly I almost missed it.

I shook my head, looking away. He grabbed my chin and turned my head back to face his, making my heart pound in my chest. "What did I do?" I asked, tears welling in my eyes. "It doesn't make sense, Jameson."

"I know I didn't tell you everything, okay? But it's best this way. I will tell you everything when we meet again," he said, like he was so sure that we would. I knew he was lying. This was goodbye. "The less you know right now the better. It's dangerous for me to keep getting close to you right now."

"You're so full of shit," I spat, feeling the tears starting to slide down my cheeks. "Why can't you just be honest for once?"

I ripped myself out of his hold, standing up to tug at the roots of my hair anxiously. He didn't say anything, just stood up and pulled my body into his, wrapping his arms around me. I buried my face in his chest, holding onto him while I let the cries come out. He rocked us back and forth, chin on the top of my head.

"Just stay," I said in his shirt.

"I can't, Petals."

"Then stay tonight."

He just held me tighter, running his fingers through my hair. I didn't want to move, but I learned I didn't really get a say in what I wanted. There were so many things I didn't want that I had to accept anyways. Like having no father, and watching both of my siblings also grow up without one. Or having the first person to open my heart, close it back up and leave.

"We could . . ." Jameson started, making me pull away to look at his face, "watch something?"

I nodded, grabbing his hand to pull him in the direction of the bed. "I'm just going to grab my phone from out there. I'll be right back," I said, pushing my hair back from my forehead. Out in the hallway, I took a deep breath.

Maybe I was making a mistake, having him stay here. If I only had a night left with him, I was going to take it wholeheartedly. I didn't want him to leave without . . . I wanted him to kiss me. I wanted to see if what I had been working myself up over was real. The burning yearning to feel his touch, to have his lips on mine, it was taking me over.

"Cade."

I turned to see Momma standing in the kitchen with a cup of coffee. She looked tired. I walked over to her. "Yes?"

She looked over towards the hallway to see if Jameson was behind me. "That's the boy, isn't it?" she asked in a hushed tone, to which I nodded. "What's he doing coming around here after making you cry like that?"

Swallowing my pride, I rubbed the back of my neck. She had every right to be hesitant about having him here. I don't think she'd seen me cry like that since I was a kid. "He leaves tomorrow, Momma, so he's gonna stay the night," I said, looking away. Mom sighed, placing her cup down on the counter.

"Don't let that boy make you forget your worth, son," she said, cupping my face in her hands. I looked into her eyes. "Nobody, girl or boy, should make you cry like that. You hear me?"

I nodded, placing my hands over hers. She kissed my forehead and let me go. I grabbed my bookbag and went back to my room, almost losing air when I saw that he had taken his jacket off, revealing just a tight T-shirt. I was pretty sure he always wore long sleeves around me and I'd never seen his bare arms.

Jameson smiled softly while I closed the door, hanging my bag on the back of it after pulling my phone out. Mac had texted me something about feeling better. I opened my camera app and held my phone up, snapping a picture of Jameson looking off guard.

"What's that for?" he asked.

"So I don't forget you," I mumbled with a sly smile.

He feigned offense, jaw dropping and hand grasping his chest. I jumped on the bed, tackling him in the process. His hands grabbed my waist, mine pushing him down onto the bed by his shoulders. When we stopped falling, I looked down at him, almost hovering over his body. His mouth propped open. I searched his eyes for some go ahead to make the move, to finally kiss him.

But he gently pushed me to the side, clearing his throat. "So what should we watch?" he asked, sitting up halfway. I felt a gaping feeling in the pit of my stomach from the rejection.

"Uh, I don't know," I said monotonously, handing him the console controller off my nightstand. "You can pick."

I laid there while he chose a streaming service and scrolled through the many titles, settling on some action packed superhero movie. He laid back, arm reaching out above my head. I took that as an invitation to slide into the space, closer than I was the other night.

My ear pressed against his chest, my arm draped across his stomach, I could hear his heartbeat. It was so loud, so fast.

For a little while, the movie played before us, but I couldn't focus. I had so many things to say, so many questions. I pressed a hand on his chest, leaning up on it to look down at him. "Where are you gonna go?" I asked.

Jameson looked at me, a gleam in his eye. "I'm not sure."

I laid back down, letting my fingers run up and down his chest. If this was the last time I'd have the opportunity to touch him, I was going to get in as much as I could. I felt his hand on my back, tracing circles on my spine.

"Are you gonna call me?" I asked without sitting up.

"Of course," he said.

I slid my hand down to where his shirt met his joggers, hesitating. His breathing got a little harder and I could hear his heart rate picking up.

Before I could think twice, I put my hand under his shirt, embracing the warm skin of his hip under my fingertips. I ignored the movie completely now, just focused on feeling Jameson's body. I ghosted my fingers along his abdomen, rising and falling over every crevice. I felt the dip of his sternum and the scattered chest hair that collected in the middle. He was frozen still.

I gulped and let my hand wander lower once more. I wasn't sure how far I was planning on going here, but I just wanted to touch him. To feel him.

Before he was gone.

"Cade," Jameson choked out.

I stopped and sat up again, finding him looking desperate. "What?"

He closed his eyes pulling his T-shirt back down. "You don't know how bad I want you to keep touching me, but I have to stop you," he said, sounding desperate. "You just can't."

I stared at him for a second too long. "Okay."

Now I was upset. I scooted over so I wasn't touching him at all, not even cuddling. He sighed, sitting up in the bed. I just laid there, playing with a loose thread on my pillow case. I felt his hand fall into my hair, pushing it back from my ear.

"Sit up," he commanded.

I reluctantly sat up, looking at him indifferently. He grabbed my hands and tugged, so I moved closer. But he grabbed me by my hips and pulled me so I was straddling his lap, sitting right on his thighs. This was escalating very quickly, I wasn't sure that my brain could keep up.

He reached up to cup my jaw. I wouldn't look away from his lips. I knew his eyes were trying to catch mine, but all I could think was that I had to know. I had to kiss him.

"I'm terrified to kiss you."

That got me to look at his eyes. His other hand moved to grasp my thigh, making my whole body shake in anticipation. "What?" I managed to say.

"I'm not scared of a lot," he breathed out, his hand creeping to the back of my neck, fingers tangling in the loose curls at the nape, "but you scare the living hell out of me."

My breath caught in my throat and before I knew it, he was pulling me in by the back of my neck and we were kissing.

His hands fell to my waist, sliding up and down my back desperately. I linked my arms around his neck, savoring every feeling. His soft, warm lips against mine felt euphoric, like nothing I'd ever felt before. I opened my mouth a bit, meeting his tongue halfway.

Jameson groaned against my mouth, pulling my body impossibly closer. I ran my fingers through his hair, moving my mouth with his in a beautiful dance.

All I could think was It's real, it's real, it's real.

He pulled away to catch his breath so I kissed all over his face, attacking his jaw with my mouth and peppering kisses all over his neck. Jameson tilted his head back to give me more access, his hands settling on grabbing my ass. I gasped when he flipped us over so I was laying flat on the bed, my hands holding onto his neck. He hovered over me, his eyes just taking in the sight. I smiled so big, pulling him down to kiss me again.

He tasted like toothpaste, but I could still taste the cigarettes on his tongue, which should have been gross, but only turned me on. I felt him grind his body down on mine, making my mouth fall open. His opened, too, just pressed to mine in an open mouth kiss.

Jameson was everything. I couldn't think of anything else in that moment, not about how I was definitely gay, or about how he was leaving. All I could focus on was the bubble we were in and how fucking hot he was.

"We have to stop," he mumbled against my lips. I reached behind him and pulled down on his body to meet mine, creating more friction. "We really, really have to stop."

I ignored him, jutting my hips up. He moaned raspily, moving to kiss my neck. I whimpered when he sucked on the tender skin, his teeth grazing not so gently. I sunk my nails into his bicep.

He pulled away, sitting up over me. The dazed look in his eyes had me shaking, reaching for him. He grabbed my hands and held them in his, catching his breath.

"We can't, Petals," he whispered, bringing my hands to his lips to kiss them sweetly.

I pouted, sitting up to his level. "Why not?"

He leaned over and kissed my lips softly. I melted into his touch immediately. "Because," he sighed when he pulled away, "we just can't."

"Because you're leaving," I said, my voice small.

Jameson just gazed at me, his eyes saying something different than his words. I knew he wanted me as bad as I wanted him. The feeling was mutual, so why the fuck did we have to stop?

"I just want to . . . be here," he said, dropping my hands to touch my face. "With you."

I nodded, nuzzling into his hands. He leaned over and kissed my head, one like a mother would do. We laid back down on the bed, face to face. The movie played abandoned, just background noise. I held one of his hands and played with his fingers.

Jameson breathed slowly, just looking at me. I chewed on the inside of my lips, a nervous habit I couldn't break. "You're so beautiful," he said softly, making me blush. "You know that, right?"

I shook my head, trying to fight a smile.

He leaned over and kissed my forehead, then my cheek that wasn't smooshed in the pillow, and my nose, finally landing one on my lips. I laughed, reaching up to touch his jaw.

"So beautiful," he whispered. "She really blessed me."

"Who?" I asked curiously.

Jameson just smiled. "I'll tell you all about her someday," he said, pulling my body closer so my face was in his chest. I took a deep breath, never wanting to forget his smell.

We laid there for a while. I wasn't sure if he was asleep, but I wished we could stay there forever. He was so warm, so safe. So gone. I cuddled closer to his body, holding his shirt tightly. I would wake up in the morning to an empty space. I would go to school knowing he wasn't going to sit next to me.

"You'll come back, right?" I asked, not sure if he'd respond.

Jameson took a deep breath, making room to look down at me. "I can't stay away from you for long," he said, making me smile. "I'll be back before you know it and we can pick up where we're leaving off, okay?"

I looked away. "Do you promise?"

"I promise."

We talked and laughed and kissed all night until I finally passed out in his arms, our bodies pressed together in a warm embrace. Fast asleep I wouldn't have to think about never seeing him again, or the way I should've seen this coming, or the way it was all too good to be true from the start. And maybe that was for the best.

Because when I woke up alone, I wanted to go right back to sleep.