Misha had enough. He was sitting in the bathrooms cold tiles and looking down at his bleeding arm. He had cut it several times through this breakdown. It made him feel better when he did it. But now? Now he started to feel numb. He closed his eye tightly.

Just a little bit of rest. He thought as he allowed darkness to overcome him.

When Misha woke up he felt cold. He looked down and saw the small blood pool under his arm. His blood. He slowly stood up and looked in the mirror. He looked extra pale. More like gray with dark circles under his eyes. He let out a shivering breath and started to wash his now sore arm. With water it started bleeding again. Misha quickly put bandages on it. Too many years of practice of doing this so no one would see.

Misha cleaned the blood off the tiles. He felt so cold. And a little bit sick. It's because he lost a little too much blood. And that is because he cut deep.

Misha laid down the blankets and let his thoughts travel around.

It's been years from the last time he had been in a state like this.

And he would never imagine that Jensen would put him back in this.

Misha took his phone and called his therapist.

"Hi Mish! How are you? It is so great you called." A cheerful voice rang through the phone.

"Hi... I'm... I'm not good... I need your help... I... I..." Misha didn't know how to say it.

"Mish, did you do something to yourself? Oh god. That's why I had that terrible feeling. Now calm down and tell me how bad is it." A soft worried voice calmed Misha down a bit.

"Uh... I had these whispers in my head... And I cut today... There was little pools of bloods when I woke up... And it started bleeding again when I washed my arm... But I did put a bandage on it... But I don't feel okay... I think it was a little too much... It is really cold here... I feel like shivering... And crying..." Misha said in trembling whispers.

"Mish... I think it would be better if I would come see you. Would it be alright if I drived to you now?" A soft voice asked him.

"Yeah... I think so... Jensen won't be home for more ten hours so yeah...Okay..." Misha let out a long breath.

"Than see you soon."

The call ended.

Misha put the phone next to him and closed his eyes.

He knew that it was dangerous to sleep now but he had fallen asleep right after cutting so he was sure that nothing would happen if he would sleep for a bit.

Misha woke up from the doorbell ringing.

He slowly made his way to the doors and was met by beautiful greyish brown eyes.

"Oh Mish. You look terrible.." The man stepped inside the flat.

-thank you Alex. Thank you. I would like to lie down. I feel like my legs won't hold me any moment longer.-Misha lay down on the couch.

"Now give me your arm. I'll look at what we can do about it." Alex kneeled beside Misha.

Misha gave him his arm and closed his eyes. He let Alex do all what was necesary.

He thought about the first time he met Alex. That he thought how a young boy like Alex could help him. Alex was only 20 years old when Misha met him. And he was his therapist.

Misha had to say that Alex was the best therapist he had met and Alex had become a really good friend too.

"Done. But Mish... Can you tell me why you are in this state again?" Alex sat next to Misha's waist on the couch and looked Misha in the eyes.

Misha looked deep inside Alex's eyes. He knew that he could trust Alex. That's how Misha told everything to him.

In the end, both of them were crying.

Alex held Misha tight to his chest to calm him down. Misha knew how much it hurt for Alex to see his friend like this. To hear how much Misha had been hurt.

"Mish... I know that filming is important to you but I think it would be the best if you would come with me..." Alex whispered.

"To a mental hospital..?" Misha's eyes widened.

"Yes, Misha. I don't want you to accidently kill yourself. I won't forgive myself that. I won't forgive myself for this, that I didn't saw how broken you are." Alex held Misha a little stronger with tears in his eyes.

"Okay... Okay... I just need to call and tell them that I will be off SPN... and I should tell something to Jensen..." Misha said in a soft voice.

"I know it is hard but it will be for the best. You need to be done with your problems so you can continue live your life in happiness." Alex let one hand through Misha's hair.

Misha nodded and took his phone. He knew how heartbreaking it would be for everyone that there will be no Castiel on the show, but he needed to get his life back together. The call to the studio made him extra sad because it was meant to be filming destiel becoming canon tomorrow. He wish he could give that to the fans but it was impossible now.

After the call Misha was in tears. He truly loved this show. He Loved his character as a sassy gay angel.

"Do you want to stay tonight and talk with Jensen or just come with me right now?" Alex drew soothing circles on Misha's back to calm him down.

"I should talk with him... Try to explain it all... Only if he won't be drunk again... But go, If I will choose to go tonight I will call you. And thank you, Alex." Misha let a weak smile out.

"Okay. Be careful." Alex didn't want to leave Misha alone. But he knew he needed to give him his time.

Misha looked at Alex as he drove away and started to wait for Jensen.

After a couple hours he heard Jensen coming inside the flat. Misha didn't go to greet him. He sat in the sofa, waiting.

Jensen stopped next to Misha.

"What the hell? You're done with Supernatural!?" Jensen was angry. And drunk. Again.

Misha didn't answer. He looked at his bandaged arm.

"Answer me!" Jensen roared out, sitting down next to Misha.

"Because I am sick..." Misha let out no louder then a whisper.

"What? Sick how?" Jensen went from angry to worried in a matter of seconds.

Misha looked him in the eyes. He hasn't heard Jensen caring about him for so long.

"Mentally Ill.." Misha looked Jensen in the eyes as he said these two little words.

Jensen looked at him, waiting for him to tell that this was just a joke.

"But... But we have Destiel canon scene tomorrow..." Jensen sounded sad. "I thought that I would finally be able to kiss you in front of cameras.."

"I know... I want that too but I can't... I am broken Jen... Too broken to continue living like nothing had happened..." Misha let his eyes travel down to his arm. Jensen looked down on it too.

"Did you do that by yourself...?" Jensen sounded really scared.

Misha nodded.

"Mish!" Jensen pulled him into a hug."Is that because of me...?" Jensen was so close to tears.

Misha just nodded and didn't mask the flinch he felt when Jensen's hand rested on his hip.

"My Mish... I am so so sorry..." Jensen was really sorry. He never meant to hurt Misha like that.

They sat and cried and then happened what Misha didn't see happening. Jensen kissed him really softly. The kiss was full of love and Misha felt okay right after it.

"Okay. Will you need to see your therapist or go to a mental hospital?" Jensen looked so sad.

"I did see my therapist today and he said that it will be better to go to the hospital..." Misha said.

"..He? Your therapist is a man?" Jensen couldn't mask his jealousy.

"Yes/ And he is 15 years younger than me. Calm down. I am not interested in him. I like older men. Just like you. And I love you." Misha let his hand through Jensen's hair.

Jensen smiled. "I love you too!" He kissed him gently.

And Misha smiled for real now.

"What would you say if I would see a therapist too? For my drinking and anger issues? And what about as a couple?" Jensen look hopefully into Misha's eyes. "I don't wanna lose you. I won't survive without you." Jensen was so close to tears again.

"Yeah... I think it would be great." Misha hugged Jensen.

"Lets go to sleep baby. I want to hold you in my arms 'cause I don't know when will be the next time I will be able to hold you." Jensen put soft kisses all over Misha's face, making him smile.

"Yeah.. I am really tired. I lost a little too much blood in these days..." Misha murmured the last part.

"Did i made you bleed after...?" Jensen trailed off, looking full of fear.

Misha nodded and let hot tears run down his cheeks.

Jensen held him in hug and murmured apologizes through tears.

When they calmed down they kissed sweet innocent kisses.

Jensen stood up and took Misha in his lap.

Misha held his breath in a brief moment of fear.

Jensen kissed him softly.

"I will just carry you to bed. Don't worry. No sex until you feel safe around me." Jensen carried Misha to bed.

"Thank you." Misha whispered, letting Jensen take care of him.

It felt so good to feel Jensen taking care of him.

And soft innocent kisses under the blankets made Misha's heart warm.

And finally after so long time he feel into a sweet sleep without worries or nightmares.