Requested by: Dean-Is-Gay

Imagine: Castiel finds out that the reader is dealing with some mental health issues and self-love stuff and he tries to convince her to love herself by accidentally saying he loves her.

Trigger Warning -- Mentions of self-hate and self-harm

You had had these thoughts for as long as you could remember. It's not like you asked them to be there, but yet they refused to go away. They were there when you woke up in the morning and looked at yourself in the mirror. They were there when you got in the shower and had to see yourself. They were there when someone handed you a plate of food, and despite the fact that you were hungry, you refused to eat.

No one knew about these thoughts except for you. It was getting harder and harder though to keep it a secret. You lived with two men named Sam and Dean Winchester in their secret Bunker. They had always been so kind to you. You considered them family. But you would never tell them about the thoughts that ran through your mind. They would judge you.

Then there was their angel friend, Castiel. From the moment you had met him, he took your breath away. He was astonishing in every single way. He appeared distant to you at first but was always watching you as if he was trying to figure you out.

It took him a while to actually start talking to you, but once he did the two of you grew closer. There was an undeniable attraction between the two of you, and you began falling for him. But then there were those thoughts. Those thoughts reminded you that you had no chance with such a perfect being. But, you still couldn't help but feel the way you did. Again, you would never tell Cas about the thoughts, but you wanted to.

You wanted to show him the damage inside of you so that with one look or one touch he could heal you. But, you knew that was never going to happen.

______________

You were sitting in your bedroom in the Bunker, tears streaming down your face as you heard shouting from the other side of the door.

It had been a long couple of days. You had gone on a hunt with the three boys, and you were all pushed to your max trying to find out what the monster was and how to kill it in a specific time limit. You were all exhausted, you more than the others.

They had asked you to be look-out and you gladly accepted, ready to help in any way you could. You were standing there by yourself and a wave of tiredness hit you. So, you closed your eyes for only a moment. But that moment had catastrophic consequences.

The moment you closed your eyes, the monster attacked and threw you very hard across the empty lot in front of the building you had been standing in front of. It then went in, catching everyone off guard and badly injuring Sam.

Luckily, Cas was there to heal Sam, so he ended up being fine, and Dean had killed the monster. But, you knew you had messed up. When Dean approached you, you tried to explain what had happened, but it only made him more furious.

He began to yell things about how irresponsible you were and how you almost got everyone killed. Everyone then entered the Impala in silence and you did everything you could to keep it together inside the car. But, as soon as you got to the Bunker, you jumped out of the car and raced to your bedroom, locking the door.

The three boys came in soon after and Sam went to bed right away, the hunt taking a lot out of him. Dean, however, began saying things out anger. Things he knew he didn't mean, but things that you thought he meant.

He began yelling about how you were reckless and a danger to everyone. He yelled about how you screwed up and how you always did things like this. Tears began flowing down your face as you sat on your bed with your head in your hands.

Cas then began yelling at Dean, saying things in an attempt to defend you. You thought it was just Cas being nice, little did you know that it was because he loved you. The yelling continued for the next few minutes and you sat there listening to every word.

You eventually moved off your bed and looked in the mirror, something you knew was a mistake. The moment you did, the thoughts came rushing back. 'Dean was right you are a screw-up.' 'I mean look at you, do you honestly think that you are anything more than a burden to them?' 'You are nothing but a worthless, ugly, fat person that they made the mistake of bringing into their home.'

More tears rushed out as you went over to your dresser and pulled out the razor blade in there. You sat on your bed and rolled up your sleeves, holding the blade in one hand. You looked at your old scars that were there from the countless times you had done this.

Then, letting out a shaky breath, you dragged the blade across your skin, retracing the scars. You winced in pain as the tears fell and the blood began to pour from your open wounds. You just watched as the blood began flowing. For so long, you had cut yourself in an attempt to cope with the feelings. For so long, you had starved yourself in an attempt to make yourself less fat, so that maybe you wouldn't have as many horrible thoughts. But, nothing changed.

What was the point in trying anymore when nothing was ever going to be different?

Your thoughts were suddenly interrupted by a knock on the door. You snapped your head up to look at it but didn't have enough energy to do anything else. "Y/N, it's me, please let me in," Castiel said. You closed your eyes as his perfect voice reached your ears.

"I don't want to talk right now, Cas," you stated, trying and failing to hide the brokenness in your voice. Cas almost felt his heart break as he heard your voice. "I know, but please, let me help," he replied, desperately wanting to hold to you and say whatever he could to make you feel better.

You didn't respond. You wanted him in there with you, but then you looked at your arms. You knew he couldn't see what you had done. But, you were silent for too long and the silence worried Cas, so he teleported into your room and noticed the blood seeping from your arms.

You didn't notice him, because your head was down, until he said, "Y/N." You then snapped your attention towards him and gasped quickly trying to hide your arms behind your back. "Cas, there's a reason I locked the door!" you told him, feeling exposed. Cas had a sad expression on his face as he walked over to the bed and sat down in front of you.

He gently pulled your arms in front of you, and you let him, unable to resist the angel. He stared at your arms and with a sad and soft voice asked, "Why? Why would you do this to yourself?" "Becuase, this is what I deserve. Dean's right, I'm nothing but a screw-up who doesn't deserve any of you," you muttered, but Cas heard it clearly and his eyes snapped up to look into yours.

"What are you talking about? Do you not see how perfect you are?" he responded, looking at you with a confused face. You let out a small laugh and replied, "I am so far from perfect, Cas. It's no wonder why people don't love me."

"I love you," Cas stated, his eyes never leaving yours as a shocked expression overtook your face. "What?" you asked, confused. Castiel's face turned a light pink as he let out a small sigh and looked down for only a moment before saying, "I love you, I'm in love with you, I think. There is no doubt that from the moment I saw you I thought you were the most beautiful being in the world, and I was afraid to get to know you because your beauty was so intimidating, but as soon I did, I fell for you, and I may not completely understand the concept of love, but I know that this is right."

You sat in awe as you processed Castiel's words. There was no way he could have meant them, right? You felt another tear slip from your eyes and Castiel used his thumb to brush it away, leaving his hand there for a moment.,

The moment you looked into his blue eyes, something had changed. You saw how sad he was because of how broken you looked and you saw how desperate he was to make you feel better. You knew he was telling the truth and emotions rushed over you as you leaned in and placed your lips on his.

Cas was unsure of exactly what to do at first, but soon your lips began moving in sync and he moved to deepen the kiss. You pulled away after a moment and rested your forehead against Cas'. "I love you too. I have since the moment I saw you," you told him and love soon replaced the sad look he had in his eyes.

"Let me heal you," Castiel muttered, several different meaning behind those four words. You nodded your head and melted into his touch as he placed two fingers on your head. You closed your eyes and when you opened them again, your opened wounds and other scars had disappeared.

You looked from your perfect smooth arms back up to Cas. "Thank you," you told him and he smiled softly. "Promise me you'll never do that again. You're too amazing and you deserve the world," he replied.

You gave him a small smile and said, "I won't, I promise. As long as I have you." Cas smiled softly as he pulled you into a kiss. This kiss was so passionate and he placed his hands on your waist, pulling you close. You ran your fingers through his hair as his hand moved to your cheek.

"I'm not going anywhere," he told you after breaking away for a moment. You smiled as he pulled you into another kiss. You finally felt truly happy. You felt loved, and more importantly, you felt like you deserved it. You always knew Cas would be the one to heal you, and he finally did.

Hello my little monsters,

Thank you all so much for reading and thank you for all your votes and comments. You're what keeps this story going! I love you all and all of you are amazing!

Always Keep Fighting!

~Caela~