Requested By: Dean-Is-Gay

Imagine: You are dealing with mental health and self-love issues and Castiel tries to convince you to love yourself by accidentally saying that he loves you.

TRIGGER WARNING FOR THE FOLLOWING: DEPRESSION, SELF-HARM, ANOREXIA, ANXIETY

You never used to be this way. Full of fear and anxiety. Depressed no matter what. Never eating because you didn't like the way your body looked. Reverted to cuts on your arms and legs. You never thought these would be the methods you would depend on. That was until you met him -- Adrian Martinez. 

When you had first met him, he seemed like your dream guy. He was handsome, charming, and sweet. He treated you like a queen, and being a hunter, it was extremely hard to find a guy like that. He made you fall for him. 

Then, once you were hooked, he let his true colors show. Adrian turned into someone much worse than the monsters you hunted. He beat you, he told you that you were fat, and not worth his time. He made you believe that you didn't deserve anything good in this life. He hit you so frequently that you became afraid to even breathe. 

You had begun cutting at some point during this time, trying to take your mind off of him. You would have left...you should have left...but you couldn't. It wasn't because you still loved him, it was because you were afraid of what he could do to you if you did leave. 

You shouldn't have had this fear, you had taken beatings before from monsters, but for some reason, this time it was different. You had worn your heart on your sleeve, and this man plunged a knife into it. 

About a half of a year later, some demons had found you. They said that you were important to someone named Crowley's plan. They slaughtered Adrian and were about to kidnap you when three men walked through the door, killing every last one of them. It wasn't until the last body dropped that you looked up to see who saved you.

One was a tall man with long brown hair that fell into his face, and the other was a bit shorter than the first man with short brown hair and very serious look to him. Then, standing next to them, was the most beautiful man you had ever seen. 

He had short black hair and deep blue eyes you could get lost in forever. He wore a trench coat that seemed like it was made just for him and the suit he wore underneath it made him even sexier.

"Are you alright?" the one in the trench coat asked, coming closer to you. You stared into his eyes for a moment before responding, and then you simply nodded your head. "My name is Castiel, that's Dean and Sam Winchester," he introduced. "I'm Y/N," you said, barely over a whisper, still in shock from the events that had taken place. 

"Did the demons tell you why they were here?" Castiel asked. You nodded your head and replied, "They said I was important to a man named Crowley's plan." They all shared a look. "Do you know him?" you asked.

"Yes, but he is no man," Dean responded. "Then what is he? A demon?" you questioned. "More like the King of Hell," Sam told you. "Why does the King of Hell need me?" you asked. "That's what we're going to figure out. But for now, you need to come with us," Castiel replied, ushering you out to the beautiful black car that was sitting outside of the building. You sat in the back with Castiel and your heart began to race, but then you reminded yourself of Adrian.

He seemed nice. He seemed perfect. But then, in a blink of an eye, he wasn't. You couldn't let yourself get close to another guy. You couldn't let yourself be that afraid again. 

"You know, you're taking this pretty well," Sam said, snapping you out of your thoughts. "Demons are nothing new to me," you responded. "What do you mean?" Dean asked. "I used to be a hunter," you replied. "Used to be?" Castiel questioned, focusing his attention on you. 

"Yeah, I was pretty good until my boyfriend...asked me to stop," you told them. Most of that sentence was true. But, Adrian hadn't asked you to stop. He forced you to. When you finally told him what you had hunted, it was an attempt to make him more afraid of you so that he would stop hurting you. Instead, he gave you one of his worst beatings and told you that if you ever left the apartment building he would kill you. 

The rest of the ride was pretty much silent. A little while later, the car had stopped in the middle of nowhere with a door that appeared to lead to nowhere. There was else around, and suddenly your anxiety sunk in. What if these men were worse than Adrian? What if they were demons who were bringing you to Crowley? What if they wanted to kill you?

You began to shake in fear as these thoughts raced through your head. You jumped when a hand was placed on your arm. You looked up to see its owner was Castiel. "Hey, we aren't here to hurt you. I promise," he told you, and you calmed down slightly but still shook a little as you got out of the car and followed the men to the door.

"Welcome to the Bunker," Dean told you as he opened the door, and revealed a secret, beautiful house. Well more like a mansion. You slowly walked in, taking in every detail. "Follow me," Sam told you, walking in front of you. You followed Sam as Dean and Castiel walked behind you. Sam stopped in front of a room and opened it. 

Inside was a nicely furnished bedroom. "I know it's not the best, but it's all we've got," Sam told you. You gave him a small smile and replied, "You saw how horrible my apartment was and before that, I bounced around motel rooms. This is perfect." Sam smiled back and said, "Then welcome to your new room, at least for the time being."

You gave him a small thank you and entered the room as the three men walked away. You took off your jacket that you had been wearing and revealed your arms that were deeply bruised. You sighed as you sat down on the bed. Tears stung your eyes as you looked at what Adrian had done to you. What you had let Adrian do to you.

"Did the demons do that?" Castiel suddenly asked. You quickly stood up and tried to hide your arms behind your back, but it was too late, you knew he had seen them. He walked towards you and gently pulled your arms back in front of you, careful not to hurt your bruises.

"Did the demons do this to you?" he asked again. You looked down, and since Adrian was dead, you decided not lie. You shook your head softly and he gave you a confused look. "Who did this then?" he asked. You stayed silent as you tried to find the right words and Castiel waited patiently for your answer. "My ex-boyfriend, Adrian," you finally responded, keeping it short and simple. 

Castiel let out a sigh as he gave you a sympathetic look. He then placed to hands to your forehead and you felt a tingling feeling all over your body. Castiel removed his fingers and you opened your eyes that you hadn't even realized you shut. You looked down at your arms and saw that all of the bruises were gone. 

"How did you do that?" you asked him, amazed. "I'm an angel," he told you. You looked at him skeptically before asking, "Like an actual angel?" He nodded your head and it took you a moment for that to sink in. You never thought angel existed, but as a hunter, you kept your mind open. "Thank you," you told him. He nodded his head and gave you an adorable smile and began walking out of the room. 

Before he completely left though, he turned back around and asked you a question. "Was you ex-boyfriend the one we found dead in your apartment?" You nodded your head and replied, "The demons killed him before you guys got there." Castiel hesitated for a moment before responding, "Good." And with that, he left your room for the rest of the night. 

______________________________

You have been with the Winchesters and Castiel for a few months now and grew as close to them as your mind would let you. But nothing inside of you ever really changed. You didn't eat because you always felt as though you were fat. You still self-harmed because you believed that if you were gone, no one would miss you. You also felt as though you were more of a burden to the Winchesters and Castiel than anything else. And you still had extreme anxiety about everything.

Sometimes you wondered if the only reason the boys kept you around was because you were leverage. You had hoped this wasn't true, but your mind always told you that it was. 

You woke up early in the morning to someone knocking on the door to your bedroom door. "Rise and shine, Y/N, we have a hunt," you heard Dean say from the other side of your door before he walked away. You had begun hunting again a couple of months ago, wanting to prove to them that you were actually worth something, but so far all you've really done was research, your anxiety keeping you from actually getting involved in the action. 

You rolled out of bed and grabbed your duffel bag which was always packed. You tied your hair up and then walked out to the Impala where you knew Sam and Dean would be waiting for you. Something that surprised you, though, was that Cas was there. 

In the beginning, you tried to convince yourself not to fall for him. That he would just turn out to be another Adrian. But along the way, you couldn't help yourself. Everything about Castiel made you fall for him. You kept your distance, though, still not ready to get hurt by another guy. Because as far as you could tell, that was exactly what was going to happen. 

"Good morning, Y/N," Castiel told you, immediately lighting up when you came. "Good morning, Cas," you replied putting on your best fake smile that made it seem like everything in your life was fine. "How are you?" he asked. "Good, what about you?" you replied, the fake smile never leaving your face. "Great," he replied. 

"Are you going on the hunt with us today?" you asked him. Usually, he never goes on hunts with you and the Winchesters. He had more important things to do. "Yes, I am," he replied. "Great, then let's get a move on," Dean said, taking the duffel bag from you and placing it in the trunk. 

You nodded, agreeing with Dean, and Castiel opened the door for you and then got in himself. The drive to the hunt was a few hours away and most of it was filled with Sam and Dean filling you and Castiel in on the case, and Dean's classic rock. 

When you finally arrived at the town, the first thing you did was get a motel room. You stayed at the motel with Castiel and did some research on your laptop as Sam and Dean went out and talked to some witnesses. 

When Sam and Dean got back, they both had smiles plastered on their faces. "Why are you guys so happy?" you asked them. "Because we solved the case," Dean replied. You shut your laptop and placed it aside as Sam continued, "It's a ghost. Should be a simple salt-and-burn case." 

"Great, so what are you guys waiting for?" you asked. It was starting to get late, so they should have no problem starting to dig now. "Well we had to pick up our favorite sidekicks," Dean replied. "You guys want me to go with you?" you asked, your anxiety starting to kick in. "Of course. You are a hunter after all," he responded, tossing you a shotgun full of salt. 

Sam and Dean walked outside and Castiel motioned for you to follow them. You climbed into the Impala as your heart pounded and your mind raced. You weren't ready to do this, but you had convinced the boys that everything was fine. As a matter of fact, Sam and Dean didn't even know what Adrian had done to you. You had sworn Castiel into secrecy so they never even knew. 

Your heart beat faster and faster as you came closer to the cemetery. By the time you reached the cemetery, you thought it was going to explode. You trailed behind the boys as they walked towards the grave of the ghost. You clutched onto your shotgun for dear life as if it was the only thing keeping you alive. 

Dean and Sam began digging as Castiel held the flashlight and you kept watch for any sign of the ghost. Soon enough they had reached the coffin and broke it open. They then climbed out of the grave and began pouring gasoline and salt on it, but before they could set the grave on fire, the ghost appeared. 

It knocked Dean out of the way, and then Cas before disappearing. All of a sudden it reappeared right behind Sam and was about to hit him. You weren't thinking clearly. You panicked. You tried to shoot the ghost. You were shaking too badly. You hit Sam with the rock salt bullet. Sam fell to the floor in pain as the ghost smacked you across the cemetery.

You hit your head on one of the tombstones and your vision went blurry as you felt your forehead. There was blood everywhere. You heard yelling, but you couldn't make out what the words were. Castiel was soon by your side and he helped you stand up. Through your blurry vision, you saw Dean helping Sam and the grave on fire. 

You then felt a slightly painful and tingling sensation in your head. You closed your eyes and knew that Cas was healing you. You opened your eyes and there was no blurry vision. You could clearly see what you had done to Sam. You took a few steps back, unable to believe that you had hurt Sam. 

Castiel touched your shoulder, making you look at him and he gave you a reassuring smile, as he motioned for you to follow him over to the boys. When you were within talking distance, you stopped and tried to get out words. Sam was standing at this point with Dean helping him. "Sam, I-I'm so," you began to say, but Dean just walked past you with Sam, not saying a word, and not letting you finish.

You felt your heart break and saw the disappointed look Castiel gave Dean. "Come on," he told you, walking with you to the Impala. The car ride back to the motel was dead silent, and it scared you more than anything. 

 You walked inside behind all of the boys and it wasn't until you shut the motel door that all hell broke loose. "Dean, I-," you tried to begin, but he cut you off. "You're what? Sorry? Well, sorry doesn't take back what you did," he replied. "I panicked," you tried to tell him. "Oh that's great, Y/N, you panicked. You don't get to panic when you're a hunter! You know why?! Because then you end up hurting people, like Sam," he yelled at you. "I was trying to shoot the ghost!" you defended. "Oh well, you are one hell of a shot," Dean replied sarcastically. 

"I told Sam and Cas when we took you in that it was a mistake; that things were going to go South, but they refused to believe it. And for a minute I thought they were right, but it turns out I was the one who was right all along. You are reckless and careless, and one of these days you are going to end up getting someone killed, and I will not let it be one of us," Dean snapped. 

Each word cut into you like a knife. Tears stung your eyes, but you didn't want to let them see you cry. You pushed past Dean and went into the motel bathroom, locking the door. You saw your bag on the counter where you had left it and pulled out your razor blade. 

Your tears flowed freely as you looked into the mirror. You hated how broken you looked, how weak you looked. You firmly grabbed the razor blade and made a cut across your arm. Each thing Dean said about you deserved another cut. Reckless. Careless. Going to get someone killed. A mistake. 

You heard the door to the motel room slam shut. Followed by another slam. You put down the razor blade and looked at your arms that were bleeding everywhere. There was a knock on the bathroom door, but you didn't hear it. 

The door was suddenly opened and Castiel came through it. His face fell as he noticed your cuts, but you were still too focused in your own mind to notice him. He called your name but you couldn't hear him. When he got no response, he cupped your cheeks with both of his hands and forced you to look at him. This was the first time you had noticed him. 

"Why did you do this?" he asked, glancing down at your arms before looking you in the eyes again. "I'm  sorry I wasn't good enough for you guys. I'm sorry I messed up," you told him as more tears fell. He felt his heart break at your words. 

"You are good enough," he tried to tell you, but you refused to believe his words. "I've never been good enough, not for Adrian, not for Sam or Dean, and not for you. I'm ugly, I'm fat, I'm useless...," you continued, but Cas cut you off. "Stop it. You are the most beautiful woman I have ever met, and you are not useless," he stated.

"Cas, please, I am not worth your time," you told him. Cas didn't know what to say or do. He couldn't believe you didn't see yourself the way he did. He saw as you as perfection. All he wanted to do was show you how much you meant to him. How much he couldn't live without you. 

He pulled you into a deep kiss that made your heart flutter. It took you a moment to realize what was going on, but you eventually kissed back. This kiss didn't feel like anything you ever felt before. It was different. It was perfect. It was in this moment that you knew Castiel would never hurt you the way that Adrian did. It was in this moment that you knew you were completely in love with the angel, and you couldn't live without him. 

When Castiel pulled away, you were breathless, and you stared at him as he told you, "You are worth it, Y/N, and you are perfect in every single way, and I am so in love with you." You felt your heart melt at Castiel's words and pulled him into another kiss.

You felt so safe in his arms like nothing could hurt you as long as you were with him. When you pulled away, you told him, "I'm in love with you too." He gave you a loving smile that made you smile back, and you asked him, "But how is Dean going to forgive me?" 

"He will," Cas replied. "But what if he doesn't?" you asked. "Then I don't care, I love you, Y/N, and that's all that matters. You made one mistake. You weren't ready to go on a hunt, and Dean should have seen that. Dean has made many mistakes, and we have all forgiven him so if he cannot forgive you then that's on him, either way, we will be together," he responded. 

You smiled, a genuine smile, something you haven't done in what feels like forever, and Cas smiled back. Cas placed his lips on yours once more that night, and it was a kiss you both poured all of your love into. 

It was a kiss that gave you hope. It was a kiss that reassured you that you and Cas would be together forever. It was a kiss that made you believe that even in a screwed up world you could be happy, truly happy. It was a kiss that made you believe that you were worth something to someone. It was a kiss that made you feel beautiful. It was a kiss that took away all of your fears. It was a kiss that fixed your life, and you knew that for the rest of it, Castiel was all you needed.

Hello my little monsters,

I hope you all liked this imagine and I hope I didn't offend anyone who has these issues. Also, if you have these issues, just know that I had them too, and I am always here to talk :). As always, thank you all for your comments and votes. I love you all and all of you are amazing!

Always Keep Fighting!

~Caela~