Requested by: musician12

Castiel imagine based on the song Why Try by Ariana Grande

I've been living with devils and angels, angels, angels

There was nothing you could do to change it. You were a demon. It wasn't your fault that Crowley had a little too much fun with that poor women. It wasn' your fault that the demon gene won over the human gene. None of it was your fault. But, you were trying to change. You wanted to be good. When the Winchesters had found you, their first instinct was to kill you. You were a demon. But, after you explained that you weren't hurting anyone, Castiel defended you. He told Dean and Sam that you were innocent, but that you had to be watched. So, they gave you an option: come with them, or die.

Obviously, you chose to go with them. One of your best and worst mistakes. Castiel had taken up the challenge to help you with everything you were going through. Being a demon and not wanting to kill was a little hard. Somewhere along the way, you had fallen in love with each other. It was the first time either of you had ever experienced the feeling, and it was amazing.

However, before you met the Winchesters, you had never met Crowley. As a matter of fact, he never even knew that you existed. That was until he popped in for a surprise visit. The moment he saw you he knew that you were his daughter. From that point on he did everything to try to get you to work for him and turn against the Winchesters and Castiel. But, you refused, which only made him try harder.

He did everything he could to try to persuade you to kill others. But, with the help of Sam, Dean, and Cas, you were able to resist the temptation.

Realize we're not in the same boat, same boat, yeah

It was hard for you. Almost too hard. You were a demon trying to act as a human. Trying to act as a good human. You never thought you were good enough to be hunting alongside the Winchesters. Let alone, alongside an angel. You were trying to be good, for Castiel, but he was already good. He was perfect.

Kills me how you love me, then you cut me down, I'll do the same

He constantly told you how much he loved you. How perfect you were, demon or not. And how he couldn't live without you. He was always there to support you. But, even with his support, the temptation to kill was strong. Too strong. You caved. It was a criminal who had killed others. He wasn't innocent. He was a nobody, and you killed him.

You remembered walking back to the Bunker that night, blood dripping from your hands, tears streaming down your face afraid of what Castiel would say.

You shakily opened the door, opening it and then walking in. Castiel was alone in the dining room, and as you approached him, worry filled every inch of his face. "Y/N! Are you okay?" he asked you, placing his hands on your shoulders as he searched your body for wounds.

"It's not my blood," you whispered, but he didn't hear you, he was in too much of a panic. "What happened? Was it Crowley? Did he hurt you?" Cas continued to question. "It's not my blood!" you shouted, more tears falling. Cas immediately stopped and scanned your face with a look of confusion spreading across his own. "I don't understand," he replied.

"I'm so sorry Cas, I couldn't help it," you told him and his face hardened. "You killed someone?" he asked. "I was by myself, and the temptation was stronger than it had ever been. I didn't mean to! It just happened," you tried to explain.

"Things just don't just happen Y/N!" he snapped back. "Please, Cas, I feel horrible about it. Crowley he-he tricked me," you tried to tell him but he shook his head no. "The trick was believing that you could be anything but evil. You're a demon Y/N, and that is never going to change no matter how much we all want it to," he responded.

"Don't say that to me Cas. Not you. I need you to help me through this," you told him tears flooding down your cheeks. "I can't. You killed, in cold blood Y/N, it's over. You need to leave," he replied, and before you could say another word he had disappeared.

We've been living like angels and devils, devils

You and Cas separate and goes back to just being an angel and you become a full-blown demon

You packed your things and left the same night, taking a car from the garage of the Bunker. You didn't say goodbye to the boys because you knew you would have to explain why you were leaving, and you couldn't handle watching their love for you to hate, like Cas' did. Besides, you were positive Castiel would tell them what happened. After all, he is the one who kicked you out.

With no one to turn to for help, you couldn't resist Crowley, and soon, you working for him. Doing his dirty work, torturing people for information, and killing innocent people because Crowley thought it was fun.

You didn't want this. You never wanted this. But this is what it came to.

I'm loving the pain, I never wanna live without it

A few months after you left the Bunker, the place you only ever called home, you went off the deep end. You began going on killing sprees because you could. The power you had was immense and you loved the power of it.

You loved being able to be in charge of your life with no one to tell you no. You were living a free life, and even if it wasn't with the man you had thought of as the love of your life, you were still having fun.

So why do I try? You drive me insane

You had asked yourself several times, "What were you doing?" "Why were you doing this?" But, you always came up with the same answer. You have no one left. No brothers, no friends, no soulmate. You were by yourself.

What was the point in being good? This is what trying to be good brought you to. You thought about Castiel sometimes, but the thought of him drove you insane. How could he care so little for you that he would just throw you out? You had thought he loved you, and you had thought he would understand. After all, he has also killed others.

Now we're screaming just to see who's louder

You had just finished your latest killing spree. Dead bodies laid scattered around a diner. You dropped the body you had just killed, the last of the victims. When his dead body dropped you heard someone clear their throat behind you.

You turned around, black eyes showing, and saw none other than Castiel standing there. "What do you want?" you asked sassily. "What are you doing?" he asked, looking at the bodies. "You told me I was evil, and that I couldn't change, so now, I'm embracing it, Castiel," you replied, basically hissing out his name. "I didn't want this to happen!" he yelled, defending himself.

"What did you think was going to happen?! You kicked me out of the Bunker! You told me I couldn't change! Even though I was trying so hard, Cas! For you! You broke me! And I can't be fixed!" you screamed back.

So why do I try?

"I was wrong, Y/N. Seeing that you had killed someone, I knew I had failed. Not only you but myself. My one mission was to keep you from killing. To keep you innocent. I overreacted and I am so sorry, but you need to stop, this isn't you," he told you softly.

You shrugged your shoulders and shook your head. "You're wrong Cas, this is me. The new me. I'm done trying to be good because I have no reason to be. You left me. Whatever we had between the two of us is gone. It's over," you replied, starting to walk out of the diner.

You got me like (na na na na na na na na, na na na na na na na) (oh, yeah)

Before you could leave, you felt a hand on your wrist. You didn't turn around. You just kept your eyes on the doorknob, debating on whether or not you should just go. "Y/N, wait," Castiel pleaded, his voice dripping with fear of your next words and actions.

"Why?" you asked, wondering if what he was going to say was worth hearing. You were quickly spun around and Cas crashed his lips to yours, pushing you against the door as his hand traveled through your hair.

You and I redefine being lovesick, lovesick, lovesick

The moment Cas' lips touched yours you felt everything rush back to you. All of your memories of Cas and Dean and Sam.

You remembered the moment you had first met Dean and Sam. You were a bartender, serving Dean, and he tried to hit on you. You rejected him, but that only made him work harder. It wasn't until Dean had gotten a mysterious phone call from a man, who you later found out was Bobby. Dean and Sam left promptly after that. Later that night, you were walking out to your car when a demon kidnapped you. He tortured you, trying to find out what information you knew about Crowley. He was the only one at the time who knew you were Crowley's daughter.

You didn't know anything, but he didn't believe you. Sam and Dean came and saved the day a little too late. Right when they burst through the door, the demon hit a nerve and your eyes turned black, the first time anyone realized you were a demon.

Sam and Dean had killed the demon and were about to kill you when Castiel appeared, standing in between you and the knife. You remembered him yelling at and begging Sam and Dean to let you live because you were innocent. That was the moment you fell in love with him.

You remembered yours and Cas' first date -- a nature walk that was supposed to distract you. It was the moment he fell in love with you. He kissed you in front of the lake that the path went around, next to a beautiful grove of Weeping Willows. From that point on, that spot was yours and Cas'.

He talked about how one day he was going to propose to you there, and how one day he was going to marry you there. Your life was perfect with him, and with one kiss, you felt everything again.

You had your humanity back.

Through it all, you could still make my heart skip, heart skip, oh yeah

Coming back to reality, you realized Cas' lips were still on yours, his hand tangled inside of your hair. You wrapped your arms around his neck and he wrapped his other arm around your waist, making your heart skip a beat. He pulled you as close as he could and bit your lip, making you let out a small whimper. He took that as an opportunity to slide his tongue inside your mouth, deepening the kiss.

The both of you were desperate for this kiss. You had needed it for far too long. And, when you pulled away, both of you were breathless. You leaned your forehead against Cas and he placed his hand on your cheek.

Even when you're yelling at me, I still think you're beautiful

"Y/N, please, stop this. You are so beautiful, and, demon or not, you are good. Better than this," he said, barely above a whisper. The moment those words left his lips, guilt rushed through your body, and tears slipped down your cheek as your eyes returned to normal. You looked into his eyes and saw how beautiful he was, and how sorry he was.

"I'm so sorry Cas, I didn't mean for this to happen," you told him, trying not to cry. He pulled you into a hug and rested his chin on top of your head. "I know, I know. It's okay," he soothed. You looked at the bodies around you and more tears fell as you thought about what you did, feeling your victims' pain.

Through it all, you could still make my heart skip

"I can't last any longer without you by my side. I am and will forever be in love with you, Y/N. Please, come back to the Bunker, come back to me," he said, pulling you out of the hug so he can look into your eyes.

"I can't Cas, not now. Not after what I did. I don't deserve you," you replied. A sad smile appeared on his face and he placed a gentle, loving kiss on your lips. "Please do not talk about the love of my life like that. You are beautiful. You are amazing. You are perfect. The past doesn't affect the future Y/N. I don't know what will happen in the future, I just know that I want you in mine. So please, come home with me, Sam and Dean miss you too," he explained.

Your heart skipped at his words and after placing another kiss on his lips, you said, "Okay." And with that word, you went back to the Bunker where Sam and Dean were waiting with open and loving arms. You never went dark side again, and eventually, Cas did propose at that spot, and one very short month later you were also married there. 

Hello my little monsters,

So I have never really listened to this song, but hopefully, it was good! Let me know what you thought. And thank you for your constant support through everything. Thank you all for your votes and comments, it's what gives me the motivation to continue writing this book. I love you all and all of your are amazing!

Always Keep Fighting!

~Caela~