I am so extremely sorry for not updating anything lately.

I have not been feeling up to it at all.

So...

I guess I'm going to put my stories on hold for a while.

I really hate to do that to you guys though.

But you guys deserve to know why since you are all so supportive.

This is my story.

Five years ago when I was in fourth grade, I lost all of my friends to the popular crowds.

In fifth grade I had no friends to really hang out with or even to talk to.

So I was a really quiet kid that everyone thought was weird since I had no friends.

So I was kinda rude to some people since I really didn't understand why this was happening to me.

In sixth grade I fell into this small depressive state.

But I never told anyone because I didn't want to bother anyone with my problems.

If I was alone at home I would cry, and when I was in public I would only go by people I knew.

But one day at school, two girls came up to me outside.

They were super nice to me and we became friends.

Their names were Kiara and Cassidy.

To this day I'm still friends with Cassidy.

Anyways, I met their other friends and at first I was quite nervous.

I only really talked to Kiara and Cassidy.

But soon I warmed up to the other girls.

Their names are April, Eleana, Fiona, and Celeste.

And for the first time in two years...

I was happy!

But the summer before seventh grade, I was super scared all the time.

My closest friend in that small group was Kiara.

But she moved away.

The rest of us hung out still, but I felt like I never really belonged with anyone.

I became anxious...

That I was going to lose all my friends again.

So I fell back into that small depressive state.

But I never told anyone because I didn't want to bother anyone with my problems.

Eighth grade will be a year I will never forget.

I had become extremely close friends with Celeste.

But I still never felt like I belonged.

One day, Celeste got sick with Pneumonia and couldn't come to school.

She was the lead in the school play as well so that sucked.

We texted a lot and she would update me on what was wrong and when she was coming back to school.

But...

One day, I got a text from her.

One that I will never forget.

'Don't text me, or talk to me again.  We are not friends.'

In that moment...

I felt my walls just crumble and break.

I tried asking her what I did but she didn't respond.

So I talked to her now ex boyfriend, Cody.

He didn't know what was wrong either but he assured me that I didn't do anything.

He was always such a great guy.

Later that night, I got a text back from Celeste.

She told me that she would rather discuss this in person, so I agree.

I cried so much that night as I lost one of my dearest friends.

But I never told anyone because I didn't want to bother anyone with my problems.

The next day outside, she came over to me and dragged me away from the few friends I had left.

She accused me for things I didn't do.

She claimed I was talking behind her back when I wasn't.

She told me that I was spreading rumors about her while she was sick.

But the same two-three weeks she was sick, I had caught the worst cold ever.

It was worse that a cold and a little worse than the flu.

I wasn't throwing up but I couldn't breathe out of my nose and had a horrible sore throat.

My chest ached every time I breathed, and I was constantly sweating.

I didn't go to school for a good week, but when I got back, no one really cared.

They only asked what was wrong with Celeste and when she was coming back.

I told a few people what was wrong, but I guess they used that against me and spread rumors, blaming it on me.

Needless to say...

I would need to find some new friends.

At lunch I sat with the people in my homeroom.

They are, Fiona, Zoe (Two dots over the e), Summer, Molly, Tylor, and Kristi.

I was still really upset over what happened.

I didn't have the guts to tell her that this wasn't true.

What I did say was,

"Who told you!?"

I meant to say it as, who told you this?

Not, yes I was, who do I have to punch.

But she took it the second way.

Celeste...

I highly doubt you are reading this...

But if you are...

I want to say I'm sorry.

If you can't forgive me I understand...

But I just want you to know that I wasn't spreading rumors about you.

And I'm sorry it took me almost two years to tell you this.

I'm really sorry and I still think about our fight, and how horrible it all was.

Moving on...

I became more and more depressed and anxious over my eighth grade year.

I was having suicidal thoughts, and I would always look at kitchen knives and think, I could end it right now.

But I was too scared.

I had once told my mother that I wanted to die, but she told me to snap out of it.

That made me think that she didn't care about my problems.

But I never told anyone else because I didn't want to bother anyone with my problems.

Ok.

Ninth grade.

It's stressful I'll tell you that.

I still had depression wavering over me, but my anxiety seemed to have had disappeared.

And...

I was so relieved.

But...

Exams came up and it slowly came back to the corner of my mind.

I had small anxiety attacks every now and again.

But I never told anyone because I didn't want to bother anyone with my problems.

I resorted to music and Supernatural to help me calm down.

My first major anxiety attack I will never forget.

Febuary 27, 2016_9:17 P.M.

My family and I were coming home from a restaurant for my eldest brother's birthday.

I wasn't feeling good so I didn't eat that much.

By the time we got to the car, a wave of darkness came over me and I started silently crying in the backseat of the car.

I don't know why, but something was wrong and I couldn't control it.

By the time we got home, I was extremely tired and I just wanted to go to sleep.

I heard my family's laughter from downstairs and something just clicked in my mind.

'Why aren't you that happy?  You are just a waste of space in this world and everyone would be happier if you would just kill yourself already.'

I don't know why my brain kept telling me things like this.

I just wanted them to stop.

So I cried, and cried, and cried.

I didn't stop until it was nearing eleven at night.

Fiona, Kristi, and my boyfriend Hayden were trying to help me.

Kristi had to go to sleep so she stopped texting me after the first twenty minutes.

It was fine, it was a school night.

Fiona made things a little better.

And by the time Hayden texted me back, I was bawling my eyes out again.

It was audible and I was sure my parents could hear me, but they never came in to check on me.

Hayden would try to make me feel better but I would tell him I was fine when I really wasn't.

I finally said goodnight to him after a while.

But I never told anyone else because I didn't want to bother anyone with my problems.

Over the next few days, I had small anxiety attacks and waves of depression looming over me.

But one day...

I just broke.

I snapped.

I COULDN'T HANDLE IT ANYMORE!

It happened in my Comm class.

My teacher came over to me and started talking about the project.

I don't know what happened, but my brain just turned off.

It shut down and I couldn't...

I couldn't handle anything anymore.

Anything she told me I would forget in a second so she would have to tell me again, making us both frustrated.

My next hour is finally when I broke down and just cried.

I finally just told my gym teacher I was going to see my counselor.

I took Fiona with me because she had been helping me through this entire thing.

I told my counselor everything that I was feeling and she too believed that I was depressed and had anxiety.

But this is a day I will never forget.

March 7th, 2016_1:46 P.M.

The Day I Got Help

She called my mom in and explained everything.

At first, my mom was mad that I never told her.

Then she was sad I was feeling so depressed.

She told me that she is going to fix everything.

Today was a very important day for me.

Today is March 7th, 2016.

Today was finally the day I got help.

Today was the day that I finally let all of my emotions and feelings out and just let go!

Today was the day I got help.

I'm going to a doctor tomorrow to 'diagnose' my symptoms.

Maybe they will give me some anti depressants to make me happier.

Maybe they will give me something to make me not so anxious around people.

You guys are special to me.

Not just because you read my books and shit like that.

But because you guys are like a family to me.

Because lets face it.

My actual family is shit.

I hope you guys know that you can get help.

You shouldn't be afraid to ask for it.

And if you guys EVER need anyone to talk to...

Let me know.

Because I know first hand how depression and anxiety can control you and make you feel like shit.

I hope you all know that there are people who want to help you.

This is my story.

-Claire