future.

The clouds are puffy white things that float in the azure expanse of the sky. The seagulls circle overhead and she presses the volleyball to her stomach, watching. The horizon is a murky brown that vaguely resembles his hair. It's been such a long time since those last kisses were given, when she left, when she didn't look back. She's moved on now, but she worries as to what happened to him.

now.

THEY SAY HEALING IS A SLOW AND DELICATE PROCESS. They're wrong. It is slow, but the process in itself is frustrating and frightening. It tortures you with waiting, more waiting and never-ending waiting. And ultimately, you can't help but ponder on different things, things that just make everything worse than it already is. How long is this going to take? Will I ever heal? Am I really healing?

Mana takes a deep breath, she's trying so hard to be so much better than before and truth is, she is- she's actually feeling more freedom, breathing more fresh air. It's just that sometimes it feels a little bit lonely. No, not lonely, there's something woeful about her, a void on her heart that's become unsealable now.

lugubrious;

- m o u r n f u l

And there's also the fact that every single person- the whole school, rather- who knows about their breakup, no matter their relationship with Mana would tell her how much it was a shame that a p e r f e c t relationship didn't work out in the end.

Mana doesn't even feel angry, just the littlest hints of annoyed but not truly anger because she knows that those people don't really know anything and they had ignorance to protect them because their relationship was perfect in a way. Perfectly imperfect.

But she shouldn't bother. A day only lasted for twenty four hours, Mana reminded herself endlessly. She'd forget this soon, bury these thoughts and move on.

It's not that she misses Oikawa; it's that she doesn't know what to do and complicated choices have overcame her one by one. She's drowning in all of it and she can't stand back up.

It's also a horrible day for her in terms of education so her foul mood was very evident. The sea of clouds up above, revealing only faint streaks of azure, was her favorite type of appearance for the sky, but she remembers all the horrible things that happened in a day as cloudy as this so a coat of miasma covers her entire visage.

The doors are slightly ajar, acacia things that look so ominous. She tries to breathe, but she is forgetting how to. Her fingers quake as she reaches for the metal handle. It's too late when she intends to turn her back and leave, because the door opens.

And if she forgot to breathe earlier, right now, she's forgetting how to exist. Of all the horrible people to meet in this vast-

Oikawa just stares at her, like he's some benign puppy she didn't hesitate to kick. And then when he passes her, the fabric of his sleeves brush with hers and he winces.

Mana is running out of oxygen.

I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.

I'm not-

And he's gone.

Mana clutches the door handle, uses it to steady her trembling form and it's only when the chime bell rings that she enters the expansive room.

"You're late, Akatsuki-san," the teacher says primly, her black hair tied into an immaculate bun that must have been ripping apart her heart shaped head from all directions.

"I apologize, sensei," she replies, but her mind and soul aren't into it. She just feels like a piece of paper forever drifting in air. No depth, no humanity.

"Alright," the teacher says and sits in front of the table. "It's very unfortunate that you're the only one who failed the examinations in your class so... let's get this over with and sit on one of those chairs."

Mana nods, takes out her pen and begins scribbling on the test sheets. She ignores the underlying insult the woman spat. So what if she failed two or three examinations? It didn't identify her as a person, it didn't decide if she would become a vermin to society.

This test scared her back when she was preparing for it, but she marveled at the fact that the items were quite easy. It was good that she studied. She buried herself in books and formulas to divert her attention from the breakup and it was actually quite well. Thirty minutes before the given time, she passes her paper. She took the second test with the same kind of action, passing before the time and quite confident of her answers.

It's fortunate that she only needs to take three tests so the moment she passes the test paper, a breathe escapes her trembling lips. It's finally over.

"Can I ask you a question, Akatsuki-san?" the teacher asks, twirling one of those red felt tip markers with slender fingers. Her eyes looked as if they were scrutinizing every inch, crevasse and spot on her body. They probably were.

Mana nods, meekly. Her eyebrows furrow, but it's not like she has anything better to do. Career counseling doesn't start until the end of summer break so she's pretty much free. "Go ahead, sensei."

"You're related to those Akatsukis, aren't you?" the teacher asks, a woeful, downcast expression painted on her face. Mana's jaw clenches, actually clenches and fury floods her veins.

Mana feels ice cold; she's disgusted by how calm the teacher takes it. By how faux those amber eyes look at her.

"Yes, I am," Mana says and she's no longer the meek girl. She drills holes unto the teacher's pimpled forehead. "Why does it concern you, sensei?"

The teacher merely shakes her head, unaware of the venom. "Are they your relatives? It was a tragic accident, wasn't it? Those poor poor souls," her vulture eyes look at Mana and she certainly didn't seem like she thought the accident was very unfortunate. "Years have passed yet they never really told us about the cause of that fire. Personally, what do you believe?"

As if Mana is obligated to tell her every single horrendous detail she's been trying so hard to forget. As if she's obligated to announce to the public the loneliness, madness and frustration her mother was facing that led to those horrible events. As if she can.

As if.

"I don't know anything," she replies and instead of venom, it's frost that escapes her tongue. "I've moved on." And so should you, you disgusting vulture.

"I see..." the teacher looks disappointed. She just lost some quality gossip for the faculty and Mana unclenches her fist, breathes and then takes pride in the expression the teacher makes. "Be on your way, then."

She doesn't need to be told twice.

* * *

The following weeks are monotone.

Just nonstop chats about the nearing summer break and how they're going to spend it. Mana ponders on going to the beach, but she figures it's too cliché and she'd rather spend that time in indulging herself with missed hobbies.

It's Sunday, and after a mere five days, school will be replaced by summer.

Mana hates the heat, but she figures the days without classes are worth it. She stops by in one of those thrift shops, scans the dresses and when she finds two flowy dresses she likes, Mana proceeds to buy them.

She likes sewing, a hobby she developed but then stopped when she lost time and she couldn't balance her love life with school matters anymore.

She buys buttons and handmade embellishments from another store and when she returns home, she fixes her sewing kit and heads to the minuscule living room of her apartment. There's a vase filled with hydrangeas at the middle of the tables so she moves it to the side so she has enough space to sew.

The petals are almost wilting but the smell is still potent. When her mother was still her mother, she loved the smell of hydrangeas. And her sister, dear dear Etsuko with hair of flames and eyes of steel.

Etsuko would have judged these dresses with some kind of contempt; she was never a fan of what she would classify as girly things. The perfect paragon of teenage angst. Black hoodies, headphones and a colorful vocabulary to match.

God, she misses her sister.

She fixes the dress she bought from the thrift store, removing the long sleeves and when a tube top is left, she adds a lace ribbon strap. She cuts the V-shaped neckline into round and embroiders handmade thread flowers into the line. Three purple buttons are used to decorate the center and since the dress is too long, she adjusts the waist so it turns flowy and cuts it into a size just below her knees. The purple dress looks beautiful and Mana appreciates it.

The next dress has the same design as the last one so Mana doesn't hesitate to cut the skirt and the top apart. She adds a new set of buttons to the top and removes the ravels from where she cut the dress. She adjusts the cuffs, adds a garter then sews another ribbon. She covers everything from the neck to the edge with a transparent piece of purple fabric and embroiders a sparkly, cursive letter 'M' to the bottom.

The skirt was even more difficult to redecorate. She had to cut new pieces of fabric, sew functioning buttons, and then lines. The white fabric is soft, so she adds long sleeves and adorable figures unto the bottom. She has a sweater now.

Mana sighs to herself, but it's pure of cosmic bliss. It's amazing what she can do with free time to herself.

She opens the refrigerator, spilling with chocolate and chocolate bars. She picks a bar and chews on it, munching on the chocolatey goodness and the nuts that are covered with it.

It tastes delicious and the color- she was supposed to think that the color was mild and reminded of her delicious iced coffee, but then it's exactly the same shade as Oikawa's hair and her heartbeat pauses.

She closes the fridge, slumps to one of the couches and closes her eyes where fresh tears are spilling. There's an awful part of her that regrets it and knows. That she can't deny the fact that she's just doing all this to fill the gaping void on her fractured glass heart.

To make her certain about the good that the ending of their love has caused, to make her feel secure that she's here, happy. She's here and it's not a shame their love is gone. That years and months and hours of caring for each other, supporting, aren't wasted. And she can move on all she wants, but nothing she does can ease the pain.

Her veins are clogged with ice. And she wants to rinse all the things lodged in the canals of her body. She's tripping out and pulling herself away from something, from this unfathomable horror that has her clutched with sharp claws. This feeling, this overwhelming feeling of absolute hate, for herself sticks in her stomach like some sort of super glue. Too tight, too suffocating, too disgusting and she can't even stand and she clutches herself, trying not to cry. And she's murmuring no no no over and over again until the words stick unto her heart and she flushes the loneliness away.

Mana squelches a sob and just cries.

It's too much for a fragile creature such as her and she doesn't even know when or how to stop crying.

She's grateful when the call comes.

"Akatsuki Mana here, to whom am I speaking?" she asks the recipient of the unknown number.

No one replies. Just shallow breathing and there's a sob and she realizes that it's him on the other line. She knows that she has to end the call, but there's a part of her that wants to hear his voice.

She retracts the earlier sense of gratitude.

"It's-It's Tooru," he says and it sounds like a whisper. She can't handle the break in his voice. She can't. Please, make it stop.

"Mana... why are you so cruel?"

Her eyes widen and she holds the hand holding the phone to stop it from shaking.

"Tooru..." she whispers and immediately closes her mouth. She ends the call with such frenzied fingers and buries her face unto the recliner of the couch.

Her heart is breaking again and she has to do something about it.

Something.

Something. Something. Something. Something.

The message stands starkly on her phone, the number, the details. Everything feels so fast, but she is going to win this race.

Never look back.

( Oh Orpheus, music was your soul but your Eurydice was your heart.

You ached for her so much that you couldn't bear the desire to care and look back.

And she was gone. )

And Mana knows what to do. She won't look back.

* * *

e n d.
-
[ Supermarket Flowers ]

'sometimes, it's just better to let go.'

[ a u t h o r ' s c o r n e r. ]

idk with the format. can someone suggests something better? save me, lol.