Our heroes had gathered at the Hellsing Mansion. 

Integra: Alright, now then, I need to talk to you about some important guests coming. 

Alucard: Are they hookers? 

(Y/N), Weiss and Blake: Oh my God, seriously?! 

Ruby: Are we throwing a party, Ms. Integra?! 

Integra: No. They're our financial suppliers. 

Alucard: Oh man! They have to hate us! 

Integra: They do, that's why they cancelled our budget. 

Alucard: Ooh, that's bad. We need that, right? Walter, we need that, right?

Walter: Yes, very important. 

Alucard: Thank you, Walter. 

Walter: Of course, Sir. 

Yang: Yeah, I think we can guess why they're mad. But, let's let our hot boss tell us why. 

Integra: Anyway, over the couple of years, we've had some ... expensive claims. 

(Y/N): Like? 

Integra: Property damage. 

Alucard: Good times. 

Integra: Killing at least a dozen innocent people. 

Alucard: Oh, so did Anthony Hopkins, and he got a fucking Oscar for it!

Integra: And ... all of the sexual harassment. 

Weiss: Why is that not surprising? 

Alucard: ... I'm not apologizing. 

(Y/N): Of course. 

Integra: Listen, I know this is asking a lot, but- 

Alucard: Buuut? 

Integra: I want you to kep yourself locked up in the basement until all of them are gone! 

Alucard: I get the distinct impression you're embarrassed of me. 

Integra: Alucard. 

Alucard: I'm going with a no. 

Ruby: Alucard, please, this is important to her! 

Alucard: I don't have to take this. I'm going for a walk. 

Everyone: NO! 

Alucard: Oh, what are you going to do? Grab that guy who can stop me? What was his name? Michael McDoesn't exist?

(Y/N): (Sigh) What would you like? 

Alucard: What? 

(Y/N): What can we get you, so that you'll behave yourself? 

Alucard: I'm going to need a new gun, and one for the Police Girl. 

Seras: But I already have a- 

Alucard: GET THIS BITCH A CANNON! BITCHES LOVE CANNONS! 

(Y/N): Anything else? 

Alucard: A 70 inch, plasma widescreen TV. 

(Y/N): Really? 

Alucard: With Netflix. 

(Y/N): Okay, sure. 

Ruby: Wait, what if he wants it to be 3D- 

Alucard: NO! THAT'S A STUPID FUCKING GIMMICK AND EVERYONE KNOWS IT! 

https://youtu.be/ZAAZsKtCSSY

Night fell on the mansion as you and the girls were just chilling around the place. 

Yang: Ugh, we get guard duty? 

Weiss: Hey, at least we don't need to babysit Alucard. 

(Y/N): As long as we're here, we can make sure nothing goes wrong. 

Yang: I wonder if there's anything in the kitchen. 

Ruby: Oh, some dinner? 

(Y/N): Not exactly a date, but it's fine. 

Blake: Wait, shouldn't we check up and see if- 

(Y/N): Blake, we'll be fine. Even if someone does attack, there's several guards, and we have Seras and Walter too. 

Blake: I guess. But- 

(Y/N): We'll jump in and stop them before they reach Integra and those old guys. Say, I wonder how they're doing. 

At the meeting room... 

Integra: Hello, gentlemen. Thank you very much for accepting my invitation.

???: Well, considering the direness of your financial security, we thought it was the least we could do.

Sir Penwood (A close friend of Integra's father, Arthur! He supplies Hellsing with weapons and vehicles at their request! He's also a Vice-Admiral in the British Navy!) 

Integra: Now before we begin, I was under the impression our beudged was handled direclty by the Queen. 

???: Oh, it is. However, we're having a distinctly difficult time justifying some of these expenses.

Sir Hugh Irons (He is another close friend of Arthur Hellsing and an ally of the Hellsing Organization! He is part of the Round Table Council, who handle economic and political British disputes! Voiced by Doug Stone!) 

Penwood: Most of them under the name, Alucard. 

Integra: (taking a deep breath) Continue. 

Irons: For example, some of them wre frankly labeled, "Entertainment." 

Integra: Entertainment? 

Old Man: Quite, like in my report: 20,000 British Pounds for a "Candi." 

Old Man 2: That's Candi with an i by the way. 

Integra: I see. 

Irons: Not to mention the priceless antique car. I believe the note on the claim was: "I thought I could paint it red, but I couldn't find enough goats. So I scrapped it."

Integra: That explains why we found my father's car covered in goat blood and rammed into a Dairy Queen.

Penwood: Oh yes, and then there's also the Dairy Queen, sitting at about 95,000 British Pounds in damages, not to mention a hospital for all those other customers of the- 

Integra: I would do fucking anything right no to get out of this. 

Outside the mansion... 

Two men were walking towards it. 

???: And so halfway through blowing me, the fucking hooker OD's on heroin. 

???2: I really don't like discussing my ex-girlfriend with you. 

Jan and Luke Valentine (These two brothers are part of the organization behind the vampire attacks! Luke is the elder brother and is deadset on killing Alucard to prove his superiority! He thinks he's as strong as a demigod, when he's really not! Jan is the younger brother and is crude, vulgar, perverted, and just an overall asshole!) 

Jan: I mean, I still finished, but what kind of shit is that? 

Luke: For God's sake, Jan, think of mother! 

Jan: ... I ain't jerking off right now. 

Guard: OI! You two, the grounds are currently closed. 

Jan: Aww man! That totally sucks! And we came all the way out here with these foreign exchange students on a field trip through England.

Guard: Where from? 

The Bus behind them has guns emerge from it. 

Jan: Texas! 

Jan snapped his fingers as a bunch of bullets sprayed right into the guard's body! 
Jan: Aw, shit! Looks like we need more prayer in schools. 

Luke: If you're quite finished, ready the ghouls. I'm going to find Alucard. You overrun the rest of the mansion. 

Jan: Alrighty! 

Jan gets two guns ready as he calls his subordinates off the bus! 

Jan: ATTENTION ALL BITCHES! OFF THE BUS AND LINE UP IN ORDER! I got a class assignment for all of y'all! 

Back in the mansion... 

Irons: And while the mime did survive, he'll never walk again. 

Suddenly the lights began to flicker. 

Penwood: That's funny, we weren't cutting the power just yet. 

Integra: Oh, shit. 

Integra quickly used her phone to call the front desk. 

Integra: Front desk, report! What's going on? 

Front Desk Clerk: Oh hey, hold on. Just give me a second. WHOA! Oh yeah, it's ghouls. Definitely- OH MY GOD! 

The line went dead as soon as he was attacked! 

At the same time... 

Team (Y/N) was in the kitchen, helping themselves to some food. 

Yang: (eating a turkey leg) Hey, you guys want some? 

Blake: (eating some fried fish) I'm good. 

(Y/N): (drinking some gravy) I'll take some. 

Ruby: (snacking on cookies) This was a great idea! 

Weiss: (just sipping tea) Yeah, even if something goes wrong, we should be in the vicinity to- 

Blake: Wait! 

Blake started hearing noise. 

Blake: I think we got company. 

Yang: Oh man! I wasn't even finished with this delicious-

(Y/N): We got to go, now! 

Back at hte meeting room... 

Penwood: Sir Integra, do something!

Integra:  Calm down! We have over 100 trained guards at the premises at all times. We have everything under control.

An explosion was heard nearby. 

Penwood: What was that? 

Integra: That was probably the escape chopper exploding. As I was saying, let me just contact communications and get an update. (calling Communications) Communications, come in! We need a full report. 

Comms: (crying through the intercom) 

Jan: (through the intercom) Read the fucking paper. 

Comms: "H-Hey there, Integra- 

Jan: READ IT FUCKING RIGHT, COCKHOLE! 

Jan slapped him from the other side! 

Comms: "Hey there, you ... fat, English ... whore- 

Jan: That's more like it. Now keep going. 

Comms: "Me ... and my big brother, Luke, are killing... all of your men... and turning them into ghouls... So... I-I... h-hope... you've made peace... with yourself... 'cuz when... I find you... I'm gonna--" ...O-oh God!

Jan: KEEP READING OR I SHOOT THE OTHER TESTICLE! 

Comms:  "'Cuz when I find you I'm gonna fuck every hole you've gooot...! And then I'm gonna just keep makin' more holes to fu-uck... until there's nothing left but your riddled corpse full of blood... and seme-hen..." Oh God, this is horrible...!

Jan: You ain't funished yet. 

Comms: (still sobbing) So prepare your dried-up pussy for my hu-huge vampire co-ho-hock! Now pardon me, while I blow this faggot ginger's brain ou-" OH GOD NO! 

BANG! 

Jan: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh, his fucking face, man! Aha, fuck! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! That shit is priceless! 

The line went off at that moment. 

Integra quickly started to call Alucard! 

Integra: Alucard! Get up here now! I'm locked in with the committee on the third floor and- 

Alucard: Okay, see, I'm going to have to stop you right there. You see, I'm under direct orders from my boss - who is a total bitch, by the way, "that I'm not to leave this room until such time as the committee has left the building." I was even bribed. Imagine that. 

Integra: ALUCARD YOU VAMPIRIC ASSHOL, I- 

Alucard: Sounds great, but I'm just going to go. I'm watching Netflix! Bye! 

He hangs up. 

Integra quickly calls Walter! 

Integra: WALTER! 

At the same time... 

Luke got a call from Jan as he cleared through several Hellsing Guards with his dagger at insane speeds and fired a shot through another's head. 

Luke: Hello, Jan. 

Jan: So, how's my favorite big brother doing? 

Luke: Oh, you know; just killed a group of guards.

Jan: Shit, bro. You too? What's your kill count at? Nah, don't tell me... I'm winning. 

Luke: They were guarding a secret passage way downstairs. Not really keeping it a secret if you keep a bunch of armed guards standing around it.

Jan: Well, you have fun with that, bro. I'm gonna go skullfuck that Hellsing bitch. And the old guys. Ah, fuck it. Skullfuckin' for everyone! Come 'ere, ghoul!

Luke hangs up as he hears a ghoul groaning. 

Luke: Well, you can choose your friends, but you can't choose your family.