Title: Shadow of the Past Trilogy: The Displaced

Author: kemorgan65

Summary: 4.5/5

What a cool concept! I think you've done an exceptional job highlighting what about your story is so unique. You've really clearly introduced the three women, and the way you compare and contrast the different stories they lead is just so gripping – it really shows that your story is a bundle of many genres. The beginning of your summary is instantly captivating, and the final rhetorical question at the end is effective and shows the hint of more questions and more complications to come. I really like it!

The only thing that I would suggest, and this is just something that may have bugged me but literally no one else, is to keep everything consistent. If we look at the three paragraphs introducing the three women and their lives, Selina and Lora's are told from their lens. But, at the start, the first paragraph, is not from the final girl's perspective. It's from Danny, who finds the mysterious girl with amnesia.

Just, overall, while reading it, it was a little disconcerting to read when we jumped to Lora. I wonder if there's a reason you're choosing to introduce Danny instead as the lens? Maybe I'll learn once I start reading. I'm just going to throw in my thoughts that, if it's possible or works for the context of your story, it may be more cohesive to introduce that paragraph from the third woman's lens (I don't even know her name yet, this hurts me).

Grammar: 4/5

If there were any errors, they were clearly accidental. You have a very good understanding of grammar and punctuation, and after the first few chapters, I just stopped searching for them because you clearly know the fundamentals and any error can be fixed with a slight polish. However, here are some of the slip ups I did see in the earlier chapters. From Chapter 5 (the shock):

Phil regarded him for a moment, then nodded. "Anything for Georgina.

You missed the inverted commas at the end of the dialogue. It should be:

Phil regarded him for a moment, then nodded. "Anything for Georgina."

And in Chapter 10 (severe reaction):

The sergeant nodded. "Sure. I'll get to you when I'm finished here" He saluted Danny with his pen.

You need the full-stop before the closing inverted commas, like so:

The sergeant nodded. "Sure. I'll get to you when I'm finished here." He saluted Danny with his pen.

I would definitely go back and polish over them!

Characterisation: 5/5

After reading the story, I now understand why you chose Danny as the lens for the beginning of the summary, because he literally is the lens of the story itself towards the beginning. While I think I'd still prefer the summary from the lens of Mickmi discovering Danny rather than the other way around for cohesion purposes, I have to say – Danny makes a really great and complex character to follow. Instantly, we see he is a caring guy, and his voice is grounding and comforting.

In a world with a lot of science fiction and surreal elements, he is so very human, and that's very comforting. The way he hums to calm himself and Mickmi down, the way his mates treat him like a brother with the teasing banter – they feel very easy to connect to. I also loved the moment with his mother towards the beginning, where he yelled at her for being straight up disrespectful to Mickmi, and in that moment, we saw him compare himself to his father. He noted that he would be better and wouldn't let that anger sweep over him, and that was so powerful. I, as a reader, appreciated his mundaneness, because then he really stepped up when things got big and dramatic, and he didn't back down – he pleaded and begged to Apocalypse to go with them to make sure Mickmi would be okay, and we felt that same agony within him when he saw the scan was hurting her and demanded they stopped. Everything about him screamed care, and so that presence of love was just very welcoming.

Actually, before I continue to gush over the characters, I want to say one thing I absolutely loved about the way you've handled the characters: the diversity of lives involved. We have badass robber gangs, with Jagg and Toni, a humble and down-to-earth family in Danny and Gina, more James Bondish and apocalyptic stuff that is affecting all of them and bringing them together – it feels like a real slice of what our earth would look like if something like this happened.

Anyways, back to gushing about characters! Mickmi is adorably lost at the start, and I just wanted to hug her all the time. I think you did an excellent job showing us the pieces slowly coming back to her, like with moments such as the magazine reminding her about her vessel. The talking style was handled very well. It's so exciting – by book three, she's so much more commanding and confident. She's giving instructions and information about energies, generating shields, and it's just so empowering to see her fit into her role as a literal queen.

Selina and Lora. I loved how different you made them to Mickmi, and yet, how individually badass because I loved these two and got so excited whenever they appeared. Selina, first of all, is mystical but still, despite being the most different to humans in general, I just felt myself click to her. There was something about seeing her resilience – for example, when Apocalypse literally injected that stuff into her, I think it was simply excellent and captivating when you wrote about her activating her defences (mobilising her atoms, her cells, making her veins impenetrable to prevent leakage in the nervous system). Such a small thing to note, and yet, the way you described all those details makes me, as the reader, think Selina is just as intelligent and capable, which instantly makes me appreciate her more.

I also just... adore Lora. Gosh, this is literally just me gushing, I'm so sorry. But her storyline is so fun to compare to Mickmi's because, while she is also awkward and lost and clueless, her energy is just so different. It feels less naïve and more distant, and I'm just insanely impressed at how subtle the difference is and yet, how impactful it feels overall for their characters. Anyways, my heart melted when Lora called Jagg and Toni her new family and promised their return. Very wholesome, there were a lot of smiles from me, and it's not just because half the gang was super confused hearing her call for 'Wamba'.

Anyways, I really don't have much to say here other than... well, great job! Your characters felt very real, very engaging, and very well thought out. I don't know if it was intentional or not, but towards the end, I often found myself comparing the relationship between the two lost sisters (Lora and Mickmi) to all the other sibling relationships in the story – Danny and Gina, Toni and Sleek. There seems to be a huge theme about family, and that was especially present when I saw Lora ask Jagg if he would leave his earth and his family behind to help her.

Writing Style: 4.5/5

I have like... two notes written down for this section. That is actually a really good thing! It means that, seriously, the writing kept me engaged and involved at all times. Your style itself seems very professional, and is just so clear and descriptive (without every becoming overwhelming). Really well done here – you've clearly been writing for a while!

You do clever things throughout the writing, really dragging the reader into the novel and sitting them down there to experience the story. A moment like this that stands out for me is towards the end, during the stabilisation of the PGF, and in between all the dialogue and descriptions of what's happening, you have that pulsing presence of the... ten percent... twenty percent... twenty-six percent... and then to have Artemae halt it. Just chilling moments where we really feel like we're being placed into the writing itself.

I would just watch out for some moments where you describe how characters look in terms of their emotions. Sometimes, it got into telling territory, where it could easily be shown to sound less awkward and clunky. For example:

"No." The woman looked sad as she gazed at him.

How would we, as the reader, know she is sad? Is it downcast eyes? A frown? How does she present herself when she is sad? Just a simple action can sometimes go a long way – when we have moments like 'she looked sad', it feels a bit awkward to read.

Plot + Originality: 5/5

Ah.

Ahhhhh.

Okay.

If we look at the very fundamentals of a story, we see that we need some sort of driving tension, some sort of purpose, throughout each moment. And your story has plenty of those. There is never a moment where I feel satisfied enough to stop. There is this constant build up, and we feel it leading up to this big moment of finalisation, and it's just so exciting all throughout the story. Really good job.

I think my favourite thing throughout your story was the constant contrast between scenes, as I mentioned before. Dinner table and family feuds and sweet long kisses on one side, and at another moment, we have Lora getting herself going zoom on a motorbike, and then we suddenly have good old Selina coming along as a literal ball of light and knocking a mother unconscious to remind us about the true fantastical nature of the story.

The concept itself is very big, but very interesting. I love the idea of Earth One and Earth Two, and one clever thing that I think you've done is giving the reader absolute control, in a way. Towards the earlier stages, when we have Dawson and Weaver spying on the scenes that we, ourselves, have been spying in on, it almost feels surreal – we are spying on the people spying on the people we were already spying on. The omniscience was just fun to note.

When you said your story had a bit of everything, you weren't kidding! In the midst of wholesome romantic scenes, we get the terrifying ones to amp up the stakes and remind us of how intricate the whole situation is (for example, speaking of Weaver/Atlas and Dawson... man, Weaver shooting Dawson and all that blood and gore... renewed fear inside me, I tell you!). Each character has their own history and their own purpose, which is fantastic, because we have to watch them collide.

I think the positive thing about binge-reading this over the course of two weeks has showed me how fluent and engaging your story is. There were some moments that did make me put the book down, because I was moved – one that sticks out to me, particularly, that I haven't mentioned yet, was that final moment in the second section where we hear Selina talking about The One and feeling her sense of purpose come to a near-conclusion. It was such a fantastic transition into the third section of the book (also, it was so nice to see her return anyways – her presence was just so comforting in those pivotal moments of the third book).

Anyways, you've got a lot of great things going on, so I hope you're proud of yourself! I love the constant tension present. Even near the end, or at least I presume we're getting pretty darn close to the end, when we think the comet and the sun are our main concern, we have Danny experiencing dreams that add even more tension and layers of questions. I'm so exciting to see how you wrap up this huge project! That moment in the final chapter I read, with that powerful line of dialogue offering help – what a fun cliffhanger!

OVERALL SCORE: 23/25

I am so sorry this took so long, but I think you probably know why it took a hot while! You've got a really fantastic concept, really engaging and real characters, and a pulling writing style. I'm sorry I couldn't really suggest much more – I thoroughly enjoyed it. Well done! I hope this review helps in whatever way possible.