Title: How to Cry on a Sociopath's Shoulder

Author: Duck_Pates

Summary: 4/5

I really like what you have here! You have captured the main points of your story – the characters, the genres, the general themes and undertones. I like the dramatic language used at the end – like, damn, defying the universe's destiny? Cool. This sounds epic. I am already also getting hints of the stakes, because this Beast guy sounds a little worrying.

I would double check your tenses. It feels a bit clunky when you are writing in present tense about the disease, but then he turned to Adrian. I'm wondering if, after the introduction of the disease, it would be more seamless to write the rest of the blurb in present tense. It also helps give the reader a sense of urgency (what is going to happen??).

I also feel like the final sentence is a little redundant. You already say that two frenemies discover a love fierce enough to defy destiny – I think to then repeat two warriors an broken men are given a chance to be salvation' is just a bit too repetitive. We can already gather that they will be each other's salvation from the context and themes already; I feels a bit excessive to repeat it again.

Otherwise, good work!

Grammar: 5/5

I actually did not find anything here – I didn't spot any consistent errors in your story, so you have clearly done a great job learning your rules and polishing your work. That, or I have gotten sloppy!

Either way, well done!

Characterisation: 4/5

Upon meeting both Roland and Adrian, I liked the immediate contrast between them. Adrian felt very stoic and yet had a deep sense of emotional maturity and empathy, while Roland tended to ramble and seem less grounded (likely due to all the inner turmoil having a chronic illness can contribute to!). Randomly, I actually loved that Adrian is a dad. The involvement of his kids, seeing Kurt being super protective, seeing everyone warm up as a family – it added a lot of depth to your story that I often don't see on this platform.

I also enjoyed that Roland and Adrian continued to argue and show that they weren't always immensely compassionate towards one another (with Adrian demanding the blood examination, calling Roland self-absorbed etc.). Do you have experience with chronic illness? Because I work in that field (in paediatrics, with kids with chronic conditions), and you've just masterfully captured a very real and very challenging depiction of living with one. Roland is struggling and is so obviously wrecked, but he is also showing a very cutting and defensive personality in response – where it feels like he is pushing others away because he doesn't want to burden them (like his relationship with Fred, it feels?), as well as some avoidance and denial around The Beast. But he does show the capacity to reflect and apologise, which makes for a great character.

I will touch on this more later in the review, but the introduction of these characters felt very jarring to me. Immediately, at the beginning of the story, we see Roland highly vulnerable and Adrian being quite supportive – already helping Roland by holding him and supporting him. Which almost leaves this ceiling effect, where it feels like there isn't really much room for them to grow, because they are already empathetic and developed characters, if that makes sense? I did like that there were times when Adrian was less empathetic and supportive, showing the clear rivalry between them (asking about money at Roland's vulnerable moment etc.), but it kind of felt like I was thrown in the middle of the story when I first started reading it, because the characters were already very self-aware.

Edit to add: I can see you have changed your title to 'How to Cry on a Sociopath's Shoulder' – interesting choice! I would love to hear from you the thoughts behind this name, especially as I didn't really perceive Adrian or his actions as sociopathic. A little cold, demanding, and the stuff they do in bed is wild considering Roland's health LOL, but would love to hear from you about this!

Writing Style: 3/5

As mentioned in grammar, your story is very neat and polished – so great work there! I did notice a few things that I would be exploring more as you continue to write.

The world building was really interesting, and I loved how your story combined the super mundane with really fantastical ideas about intergalactic gods. However, the first scene itself was really hard for me to settle in to. We have a park, WebMD is mentioned, coffee – feels very contemporary. But then there's the mention of intergalactic gods in the blurb, and then the word 'immortals' gets dropped a little suddenly – I feel like we just need more world-building littered in subtly from the very, very start. Otherwise, it feels jarring overall.

Also, the story itself can feel a bit telling. For example:

"Fucking faggots," a man walking past them on the sidewalk muttered. It was because Roland was still leaning on Adrian's arm.

That second sentence just felt really redundant. Aside from the reader likely being able to work it out, it felt like a different voice altogether narrative the story and we lose that hold that Roland has over the narrative voice. Even something like, "Only then did Roland realise he was still leaning on Adrian's arm" so it doesn't feel like the reader is being explicitly told exactly the reason behind everything that his happening.

I really think it all comes down to pacing, which can be a bit odd at times. For example, let's go to the middle of Adrian giving Roland a physical therapy session:

Adrian's fingers dug in harder. Roland let his head tip back. "You ought to let Percy work on you some time," Adrian said. "He's better than I am. He can confer with Rhonda and your current physical therapist, and maybe give you a session every day. I'm not sure this once a week schedule is very helpful."

"Yeah, well, she's very good. And if I'm being honest, drop-dead fucking gorgeous."

"Oh well in that case. Here, lean forward."

"Hang on," Roland said. "Look at this." He swiped at a screen projection. "I didn't think anything of it with the first two. Readings in normal ranges..."

I had to pause reading because I didn't realise Roland was still swiping as it was all happening. I think, for pacing and to help the reader follow, having a sentence before 'hang on' – something as small as 'Roland froze suddenly, his hand overing over the [insert whatever he is doing]'. Just so then it feels fluent and we are in the story itself, watching things happening rather than mostly relying on dialogue to see the shift.

Plot & Originality: 4/5

As I mentioned before, I found the start of the story very jarring – immediately launching into Roland telling Adrian he is sick. I wish there was a bit more build-up, especially because I'd love to have seen their dynamic before Roland becomes vulnerable, to see the shift and leave more room for tension and change. Because of where we started, I almost felt like we were lacking purpose and drive to the story as a whole.

That being said, once things ramped up outside their relationship? Loved it. I lived for the drama of the theories around the alien virus, and I even felt a bit spooked out when Adrian shared the footage of the old lady on the edge of the building, acting so bizarre before she suddenly snaps out of it.

The drama of The Beast was really impactful and done well. The Beast suddenly crashing to fight Roland... the way I was on the edge of my seat. Not to mention, you really maxed out the stakes (with Yasha making a true and ultimate sacrifice – I'm glad he was okay though, that crazy little walking resurrection stone LOL). The smut and banter between Roland and Adrian, of course, was hot – I love that it could be really passionate and intense, feral and rogue, but then filled with comical laughter and teasing. The conversation on Adrian's mum's literal grave had me cackling ('she said you should bone me whenever'), and them getting married was very cute! Again, I would really consider the overall shape of the story – with where you want them to start, and how much more tension you could milk out of their dynamic.

Overall Score: 20/25

Overall, this was a fun story to get me back into reviewing! I was so impressed by how polished it was and the intensity as the plot came together. I encourage you to look at some of the phrasing and redundancy throughout the story, and consider how much more tension you can bring out of characterisation. Overall, nice work!