Title: Forestlands Institution

Author: ChasteEmpress

Summary: 3/5

I think, overall, your summary shows lots of promise and highlights some very key elements to your story. I think your premise and concept is explained well, with just enough context for your reader to understand.

Once we get to the second paragraph, things start to derail a bit. I think the paragraph, overall, needs a revision when it comes to punctuation and grammar. For example, 'losses' should be 'loses', and your sentences containing the list of people are a bit fragmented and jarring to read. Then, suddenly, a missing student case is announced, and there is no context or cohesive link there—it's just a bit sudden, random, and we don't really understand what the missing case is, why she is involved, and how it risks losing her new home/family. I recommend finding a more cohesive way to introduce this missing case plot point.

Grammar: 2.5/5

There are quite a few errors I found consistently throughout your story. Let's launch straight into it! We will begin with dialogue and punctuation.

When dialogue is followed by a verbal dialogue tag (such as 'he said', 'she whispered', 'they exclaimed – or anything referring to how the character says the words), there should be a comma before the closing inverted commas. If it's anything else, this comma should be replaced by a period (or a question mark for a question, and an exclamation mark for an exclamation). For example:

"Alright, I will stop." He said and Ahryan and Asole almost had a whiplash from turning to look at him sharply.

It should be:

"Alright, I will stop," he said and Ahryan and Asole almost had a whiplash from turning to look at him sharply.

There are a few other issues with the above example, which we will get into in a second. If I was to further polish the sentence:

"Alright, I will stop," he said. Ahryan and Asole almost had whiplash from turning to look at him sharply.

Another example of dialogue punctuated incorrectly:

"She seduced you, Jace, just to get your pendant," he lifted the hand that held the pendant.

Because the narration following the dialogue is not a dialogue tag, we should be looking at:

"She seduced you, Jace, just to get your pendant." He lifted the hand that held the pendant.

And finally:

"Principal Victoria Smith," The woman introduced.

You did the correct punctuation here (a comma). However, you shouldn't have capitalised the 'the', as it is therefore still part of the same sentence. It should be:

"Principal Victoria Smith," the woman introduced.

Next, we have run-on sentences. Whenever you have two independent clauses (clauses that could be sentences on their own) adjoined together, you have a run-on sentence—specifically, a comma splice. For example:

Nadia walked on the street, the night was chilly and she rubbed her arms to keep herself warm.

Nadia walked on the street is an independent clause, as it could be a sentence on its own.

The night was chilly, and she rubbed her arms to keep herself warm is also an independent clause.

Therefore, they should be separated into two separate sentences, or a different form of punctuation should be used. Otherwise, you have a run-on sentence. I would suggest:

Nadia walked on the street. The night was chilly, and she rubbed her arms to keep herself warm.

And finally, tenses. Your story is mostly in past tense, but every now and then, you flicker over to present tense. You must stick to one tense and keep it consistent, especially within the same sentence. For example:

Nadia noticed that her headache has subside. [noticed = past tense; has = present tense]

It should be:

Nadia noticed that her headache had subsided.

Overall, I think your story could use a polish. You have incorrect vocabulary being used sometimes, sentences missing full-stops, capitalisation errors, and little typos. Here are just a few examples throughout your story:

"All you do is eat, sleep, than eat."

It should be then, instead of than.

"Miss smith, these missing students that you just talked about..."

Smith should be capitalised.

Jace picked Bryan up and punched him in the face severally.

I think you mean severely, not severally.

...causing Jace to turn towards her with s furious look on his...

I think you mean a furious look.

Characterisation: 3/5

You have some really positive elements of characterisation within your story. I like Nadia's bravery from the very start—I like that she stands up for herself, whether it is challenging Leia at the very start, all the way to the end where she tells the two boys fighting over her that they aren't her brothers/fathers, and that she can hang out with whomever she would like. I like the way some of her traits tie together; for example, a fear of heights, because she's so connected to the ground as an Earth Elementalist (though, I guess she turns out to be a shifter instead!).

I also appreciated the dynamic with Jace, and the constant flicker back and forth—he goes from being sarcastic and a (demonic) snarky badass, to genuinely caring and taking a minute or two out of his 1,000 year life to heal her bruises. Even after he believes she seduced him to get the pendant, he still trusts her with it because—even if he wants them to go separate ways—we know he has a soft spot for her (I mean, he even threatens to kill Bryan if he dares hurt Nadia again). I lost my respect for him when he called her a cheap whore, but he definitely won it back a little when he pushed Nadia out of the way of the big rock in that final chapter. Also, the irony of it being a rock that nearly killed them when we started the story thinking Nadia was an Earth Elementalist—that irony was not lost on me!

I think what is also cool is our antagonist forces, like Ahryan, show a bit of good within them—like how he wants to make sure no harm goes to his cousin, Faryal. And the development is effective in the long-term—we even see Leia and Nadia working together by the very end, like little agents in their rescue mission. Even when Leia wants to leave Jace behind, Nadia's look is all it takes to convince her otherwise. That's such a stark difference to their relationship at the very start, so that was really nice to see.

I think, with your characterisation, it was occasionally overwhelming—with the pace moving way too fast for us to grasp onto characters. For example, we met our protagonist, Nadia, from the start. She then meets Mia, who then introduces us to: Makena, Faryal, Abhay, Joanne, Ahryan. All five are introduced to us at once, while we are still at the beginning of the story and have barely adjusted to Nadia and Mia. Then, when they are introduced, all their physical descriptions are thrown at us, we only have a short paragraph between each one, and then within a few more chapters, we are introduced to even more characters—Leia and the cronies, Jace, the teachers/nurse, and more.

It was just too much, and because there are so many names popping up, it's really making each character lose their purpose. I would consider evaluating which characters are purposeful to your story, so that you can spend more time fleshing out those ones in particular. Then, when you do introduce them, slow it down. We don't need to meet so many at once, and it's more important to make their introduction memorable instead of a "sit down and introduce yourself" sort of context.

I also feel it was difficult to connect to characters at all times—even Nadia. Part of this was due to the quick pace of the story, as well as the writing style itself. I will talk more about it in the next section, but let's look at an example.

Let's go way back to the moment Nadia and Jace are walking together, and suddenly she reveals, through dialogue, that she is thinking about how she made a fool of herself and starts to tear up. As the reader, considering she is our protagonist, I almost felt a bit confused as to where that sudden emotion switch came from. Yes, it is reasonable for her to think about that incident, but it just came so suddenly—and it was dumped to us through dialogue, instead of being shown to us in the narration. Since she is our protagonist, it is pivotal that you show us a cohesive transition of emotions—that way, the readers are on the same page as her, and her actions/dialogue feels more justified.

Writing Style: 3/5

I feel like your story became a bit more fluent and engaging the more we progressed through it! I noticed that a particular strength came towards the latter end of the story, when Nadia would describe her feelings about Jace—I loved your use of consistent rhetorical questions, and as a reader, I could directly see her thoughts without feeling like it was being dumped onto us sporadically. Well done!

I would really encourage you to use more descriptions in your story! I noticed that there were minimal descriptions, which makes it harder for the reader to immerse themselves into the story. Use figurative language within descriptions to help build tension and suspense! It's a really powerful too, and considering the pretty cool premise you have, it would be a great opportunity to really set apart your world from all other supernatural-based stories.

It also helps a lot with characterisation. If we go back to the prologue—use that moment, from the get-go, to sell your story to your reader. What does the aunt look like? What does it feel like, being out there in the cold on her own? When she is banging on the door, 'begging like never before''—what exactly does that look like? Are we looking at bruised fists? A hoarse throat? Bloody and cracked fingernails? Use the moment to build atmosphere and tension, and use that to bring an emotional pull into your story.

Additionally, make sure you are showing instead of telling! There are some descriptions of characters' feelings that could be more effective if shown to the reader instead, as it helps make your story more immersive and shows how different characters respond to different situations. For example:

She was sad and hurt.

What does that look like? What does that feel like? Sure, most people have experienced sadness, but there are so many different levels of sadness—as well as different responses to sadness. It is, more often than not, not enough to just say someone is sad and hurt, as it does not paint a very detailed picture for the reader.

Jace wasn't comfortable letting a student attend to Nadia.

With the above example, most of the story is guided by Nadia, and suddenly we just have a moment of Jace's perspective. It feels jarring and random, and feels a bit of a bumpy perspective shift. Instead of telling us that Jace was uncomfortable, just show it to us from Nadia's perspective—perhaps he shifts a lot, or shows reluctance somehow to let Nadia go. Subtle actions to show the emotion to the reader.

Plot + Originality: 4/5

I was very glad to see that, despite turning out to be a natural Level Five, Nadia wasn't instantly a master of her powers. At the start, it seemed almost to be triggered based on emotions, stress, and urgency. I like that we have those moments where she stares at a rock for twenty whole minutes, waiting for something to happen. In fact, I would encourage you to go more in-depth in those moments! We know that her thoughts and closing her eyes to believe in herself helps—but what about her body itself? What happens within her body during that process? Is it warmth in her hands? A weird sensation in her blood? A clear, sharp feeling in her head? More would be amazing!

I also like the constant drama in the story. The timing of the students going missing was great, and it instantly added conflict, tension, and stakes. The story, overall, definitely amped up in intensity as the chapters went by—from the Lloyd vs Jace after Lloyd kisses her, to the final resolution of the missing student case. Though, if we do take a moment to go back to the Lloyd Kiss moment—that's another great example of when you could have shown us more characterisation. As the reader, I was genuinely a little clueless on how to feel about the situation. Why? Because they have a one minute slow, sensual kiss, but there is no reflection of thought/feeling from Nadia herself, so the reader doesn't have a voice to cling on to.

Anyways, it was exciting to see her connect the dots when she was ready to face the orb again. Connecting the bracelet to her room and thinking she solved the missing student case was awesome, because I actually really liked that she was incorrect. The red herring effect was clever, because when it turns out to be Ahryan, it feels more resolute and satisfying! Even Abhay (or should I say Akshay?) turns out to be a bit of a traitor, but obviously, not to that bad of an extent. It was nice seeing how much had changed and how different of a role the characters ended up playing.

The ending was intense! With the bargaining and threatening—the death of all students if Jia didn't go with him, followed by the reveal of, "I never said I would disable the chips if you did agree." My stress levels were through the roof! Really great work there.

I noticed you have ended on a very big cliffhanger as it is, with no real resolution and slowing down of the pacing. My assumption is there may be a sequel? I'm not entirely sure. I will say that while it was electrifying to end the story on the cliffhanger itself, it does leave the reader with very little satisfaction. I think, if you want to leave your story on an open-ended note, it's still important to make sure that the scene within the final chapter itself has a clear beginning, middle and end for it to still have a significant impact. Otherwise, it just feels incomplete and a little jarring to read. I would consider ending the final chapter on a more impactful note, with a very clear and distinct ending to the chapter itself. By the way, I am only assuming here that this is a completed story because you have marked it as 'Completed' on Wattpad—let me know if that isn't the case at all!

OVERALL SCORE: 15.5/25

I am so impressed by looking at the dates of this story! The first few chapters were published in 2020, with some of the final chapters being published in 2023. I have so much respect for the clear commitment and love that has gone into the story! Overall, I recommend that you revise your punctuation and slow down the pacing. Good work, and I hope this review helps!