Title: Royal Deception

Author: tannyprecious

Summary: 3/5

I think your summary does a good job highlighting the really unique traits to your story—especially the context and setting of the story, so well done! We can see relevant backstory, and all of it is quite succinct, which is great.

Overall, there seems to be a lack of cohesion in the summary once we pass the third sentence. You introduce the here who I assume are the main three, but then the final question throws me off—what would happen to them? A hint of 'deception' just feels too vague. There is deception in normal palaces everywhere—it's nothing completely out of the ordinary. I think you just need to make that more specific and give us a proper taste of what the conflict in your story is, and what the real stakes are. Currently, it doesn't have a strong pull because it feels like it's only really glossing over the premise of your story.

Also, the sentence about Kim needs polishing:

Kim Jungmyung the daughter of the Prime Minister had been betrothed to Prince Yi Sun since birth and she grew up to be best friends with both Princes, falling in love with her betrothed husband.

You need commas surround 'the daughter of the Prime Minister' for fluency. Additionally, the whole sentence lacks a clear direction and bounces around a bit. I would suggest a bit of a revision there.

Grammar: 2/5

Overall, I would recommend giving your story a grammatical sweep—there is dialogue missing punctuation marks before the quotation marks, as well as capitalised letters in incorrect spots. Additionally, I've noticed a few more complex grammatical rules being broken. Let's go through them!

Something I noticed towards the start was the missing pronouns. So, for example:

The beautiful sound of the birds singing pleasures my ears as lay on my soft bed...

"What is it?" I groaned as opened one eye to glance up at her.

These errors didn't persist in the story for too long, but they were present in the first few chapters. To complete the sentences, it should be:

The beautiful sound of the birds singing pleasures my ears as I lay on my soft bed...

"What is it?" I groaned as I opened one eye to glance up at her.

Next, let's talk about dialogue! When dialogue is followed by a verbal dialogue tag (such as 'he said', 'she whispered', 'they exclaimed – or anything referring to how the character says the words), there should be a comma before the closing inverted commas. If it's anything else, this comma should be replaced by a period (or a question mark for a question, and an exclamation mark for an exclamation). For example:

"...if you would excuse us." Ji Yang said as he pulled me away from her.

It should be:

"...if you would excuse us," Ji Yang said as he pulled me away from her.

As for questions:

"Is that Prince Yi Sun and Yi Jung?" He asked.

Since 'He asked' is a dialogue tag, it is technically part of that sentence. It should be:

"Is that Prince Yi Sun and Yi Jung?" he asked.

Additionally, you have conflicting tenses at time, and conflicting perspectives. For example, with tenses, while you mostly write in past tense, there were moments where you slipped into present tense. For example:

Seeing how much Sun Ah likes my brother made me feel a little pang of hurt in my heart. I only hoped that it wouldn't end up causing a wedge in our relationship.

Likes is present tense; made and hoped are past tense. You need to keep your tenses consistent throughout the story. Additionally:

I turned around to see Yi Jung staring at him with a worried expression.

If I'm not wrong, him is Yi Sun himself—who is narrating this part of the story? So it should be 'Yi Jung staring at me with a worried expression'?

Characterisation: 3.5/5

Kim Jungmyung makes for a fabulous character! I love her love of food, to the point that even her brother knows she can't stay angry when food is on the table. And what I love is that, even though we can see her parents are strict, they are loving and caring. I loved that moment where they told Kim that she will be mocked for being Yi Sun's betrothed, but she must stay strong and brave for them—that embrace was a beautiful, impactful moment.

It is also great to see her relationship with Mi su (who is always bringing her snacks and defending her where she can). Even in the earlier chapters, we see distinct personality tropes in the friends—some are like Da Min, who are ready to beat up anyone for insulting their friend, and others are like Sun Ah who are more sensible, rational and calm.

I did have a few issues with Eun bi—I know she was set up to be an early antagonistic, petty force that interferes with the blossoming love story. However, it did fall into stereotypical mean girl, to the point where it felt a bit like a cartoon caricature; I wanted to see more initial depth and grit in her character, because otherwise, it doesn't really build any tension or make the reader a single bit worried about her.

Also, let's talk about Jung for a moment! I didn't really trust him once the story started to unravel. His presence was just so convenient. Like, first of all, helping Yi Sun escape but then wanting to marry his own best friend's betrothed... and then blackmailing her and saying he'll only take her to see Yi Sun if she marries him... Gave me the ick, but it was a cool development of a friend into a more antagonistic force, so well done! It was also such a great moment to see Kim Jungmyung grow as a character. I loved hat she stood her ground when he tried to kiss her and pushes him away. All the schemes about Yi Sun's uncle being the big bad wolf behind all of it (with the motive of wanting his own son on the throne) tied into the story well.

The main issue I had with characterisation at times really came down to the writing. Because there was a lot of telling instead of showing—particularly in a first-person perspective where the reader is literally inside the character's minds—the characters sometimes felt a bit less fleshed out and more shallow in terms of their emotions. To avoid repetition, I'll discuss this more in the following section.

Writing Style: 2.5/5

I mentioned the writing style impacting characterisation due to telling instead of showing, so I will launch straight into that with some examples. Overall, when I am in a character's head, and they just tell me "I was happy" or "I was sad", it's really hard to sell the reader; it feels a bit weak and vague as a descriptor, and almost makes the character sound shallow.

I was very excited when I found out that I would be getting married to my childhood sweetheart but I became sad when my parents cut off all my playing around and made me study all day.

In the early stages of the story, we want to really know these characters. When a character tells us that something made them 'excited' or 'sad', nothing really stands out—nothing makes them a distinct character with a distinct voice, because any character can say they are 'excited' or 'sad'. I encourage you to describe—to use figurative language, look at metaphor, simile, and symbolism and try to plant this throughout your story to help give your characters more depth and originality to their voice.

Another moment:

Before we could register what was going on, he grabbed the edge of my brother's sword and slit his neck with it which left everyone shaken.

"Which left everyone shaken" just falls flat in comparison to everything that just happened—it makes the moment lose its tension and intensity. You have to ensure your descriptions and emotions are consistent with the events happening.

Additionally, I feel like there is an overall lack of descriptions in the story to help build atmosphere. You give quite detailed descriptions of clothing, and provide pictures for us sometimes, but I would love more—what does the banquet look like? What does the contrast of blood on a beautiful setting add to the story? You have such a rich, unique setting—use that to your advantage, employ descriptions, and take your reader to a whole new kingdom.

Plot + Originality: 4/5

Your plot is a strong point in your story! I like that the drama became more than just the romance and Eun bi interfering with it. We had Yi Sun being arrested for human trafficking, with the intense threat of execution. It was a great moment, too, to see the absolute steel in Kim's heart—and she's ready to settle with hating anyone involved to the point where she would wish to end their lives.

With Yi Sun's 'betrayal' and escape (thanks to Yi Jung saving him), followed by Yi Jung confessing his love for Jungmyung and wanting to marry her—whew, that was also full of drama and kept me on my toes! I loved that quote about how love is not always fun and fireworks—it's about sacrifice, and that's why she chooses to marry with him for her own plot. She played that game super well, too; she investigates, pretends to be in Yi Jung's side by kissing him against her own will (which was so heart-breaking to read), and the sibling bond really shines through. The final moment was also brutal, where she claims to have no idea what her brother is talking about with the 'evidence'—that felt like a true stab in the heart, ties in with the concept of a 'royal deception', and was a kickass betrayal to end the first book on!

Again, as I mentioned before, I feel like the writing pacing sometimes impacts the intensity and tension within the story. For example:

There was no hope for us being together in this world, except in our next lives which was something that would continue to cause me sadness.

This moment is huge and heart-wrenching. Finding out that you can never be with your true love—but then describing it with just 'cause me sadness' feels like it just pales in comparison to the intensity of the situation, and makes it harder to engage with the plot. I recommend really looking at your story and enriching the language to make it more tense and atmospheric.

OVERALL SCORE: 15/25

Overall, some great things happening here—and I think it's amazing that you've finished such an intense story with so many fun elements in it! I recommend you work on your grammar and polish up a few descriptors. Otherwise, best of luck with your sequel!