Title: Jihad

Author: 08_Umm_Waraqah

Summary: 3.5/5

Lots of good things happening here! I am enjoying the sense of mystery with the tease of secrets, and I'm liking that the themes of the story are immediately prominent. You've ensured the readers know the stakes from the get-go, and you've shown the protagonist with two very obscure and exciting pathways to choose from. A few things:

I would revise your punctuation. You keep using hyphens instead of em dashes, and there are some incorrect spacings and awkward comma placements. Secondly, while the lack of information does hold some allure, the whole conflict is closed over with this 'the devil himself'. Unless you mean the literal devil (which you might – but perhaps make it more clear), maybe it could be more effective to show the reader more of your story – who this devil is, why he needs her as his right-hand-woman, and what you exactly mean by 'bluff'. Right now, it feels a bit random, and more importantly, it doesn't make your blurb feel all that personalised to your story.

Otherwise, good work! I am interested to read on.

Grammar: 3/5

Let's talk about grammar first! I think, for the most part, it's clear that you know your rules. However, there were a few things I caught:

To start with, some punctuation marks are not done correctly. I caught a sentence or two missing full stops, as well as things like:

...partly severed at the wrist with blobs of dark liquid dripping from the gash on his wrist,, only puncture a gaping...

In the above example, you've used two commas instead of one. Also the repetition of the word 'wrist' is a little awkward, so the whole sentence could use some re-shaping.

Next, dialogue tags! Let's first look at an example from the story:

"So, do you think what I did was right?" He asks.

The dialogue tag, even after a question, is technically part of the same sentence. Therefore, we don't capitalise it. It should look like:

"So, do you think what I did was right?" he asks.

Speaking of dialogue, sometimes, you are missing punctuation marks, like so:

"She can set the whole school on fire with her tongue. He shakes his head, again, a distant look forming in his eyes.

Which should be:

"She can set the whole school on fire with her tongue." He shakes his head, again, a distant look forming in his eyes.

Also, I am questioning your usage of semicolons. I'll talk about it more in writing style, but you use them a lot, and sometimes, they simply don't really work. For example:

I peel my eyes away from the trio of Rasheedah, Danielle and Unaisa, hunched over a desk at the other end of the class, talking in hushed tones; and look at Ameer.

I know you want the longer break, but consider a new sentence entirely that doesn't start with "and" – because, really, a semicolon should separate two clauses that could work on sentences on their own. "And look at Ameer" does not stand as a sentence on its own.

Finally, the word 'mum' or 'ma'. When it is used as a proper noun, it needs to be capitalised. However, if it is used like 'your mum' or 'my mum' or 'his mum', then it does not need capitalisation. Here are some examples from your story:

"He's just like your Mom and brother."

It should be:

"He's just like your mom and brother."

And:

"Yes ma, I'm here ma."

It should be:

Yes Ma, I'm here, Ma."

Characterisation: 3.5/5

Wow, I have to say, this story really had me on my toes when it came to characters! We meet her mother right away, who the protagonist makes us feel like hating, but seeing her act gentle and polite. That dissonance was so incredibly interesting, and it seems to be a theme throughout the story – for example, later on, she claims that Rasheedah must also have been putting up an act, and how there was no way she could have actually been concerned about her feelings. What an interesting pattern to incorporate into the story.

But yes, back to the mother because she seems to be a pretty big factor – I was suspicious of her when I first met her, and constantly cautious because of Jihad's descriptions of past experiences. But I do like the growth she is showing, and how she owns the fact that she hasn't been a good mother, and is trying to redeem herself (as we see with the way she wants to care for Aida's child, who is apparently Saadiq's child.

As for Jihad, you do feel for her. She clearly has a lot going on inside her own head, but gosh, does the reader feel for her. She is super quiet, with that lump constantly in her throat – a great metaphor throughout the story. I felt so sad for her, seeing her get fully manipulated by Mike (especially when he made her show the love letter to her mother, well aware she would be hurt, because of the whole, "if you truly love me...") – it really puts into perspective how dark her past is, and potentially why she is obsessed with what she is obsessed with.

Though, what is exciting, is (hopefully) we are seeing Jihad develop and grow! I think the use of the metaphor was especially impactful, because I noticed when she's about to make the joke about Unaisa bringing the Jollof rice, there's the quote about the funny words having a smooth passage. I'm not sure if I'm reading into it too much, but I liked seeing that moment where she finally is having some freedom over her words.

My main issue is... there are just a lot of characters, and because they all sort of appear and then disappear and sometimes appear again, I just don't feel connected to a lot of them. Especially, for example, Danielle, Unaisa and Rasheedah sometimes just give me similar energies, and even when they're always fighting, they just have similar tones that it's hard to distinguish them based on their dialogue. I wonder if there's a way to really streamline which characters truly matter, or have moments where we aren't always launching back to the past while we are still getting to know them, because that makes learning more about them quite disruptive.

Writing Style: 3.5/5

I mentioned the semicolons before, but before I launch into that, I just want to talk about your punctuation overall. You have a usage for stylistic comma placements, where they make the sentence is technically a bit more playful, and sometimes it works really well. However, you then simply overuse it. For example, within the first four paragraphs of chapter one:

It's plastered across the face she pokes into my room, coats her cracked voice when she demands, "May I come in?"

The florescent light in the hall pours in with her, illuminates the room an the barely dressed people I've sketched across my lecture notes, briefly.

Her black Boubou swishes around her ankles as she glides towards my bed, perches on it, heaves a drawn out sigh.

I think it could help to add an 'and' after some of the commas, just to make it flow better. Additionally, later on, you start replacing commas in these instances with semicolons, and that is overused as well. Try to add some variety to the writing.

Nonetheless, there are some really engaging and poetic moments of writing. I just loved that moment where the smells of Ummi were described, and then that was tied into the relevant emotions present – anger, hatred and hope. And then this seamlessly moved into more exposition on the situation and characters. Really well done!

Plot + Originality: 4/5

The structure of your story is very interesting – it's always flicking back to the past and then the present, with the filling of the questionnaire quite a driving force at the start as we learn about the situation. I think seeing her past unravel through every chapter has been really cool, and each transition has been smooth – well done!

I also like the constant tension within the story. As the reader, we can literally feel the dangers she is making as she makes them. When she sent Kunlesh the nudes without really questioning why, and describing that juxtaposition of her being completely exposed while he is in a mask was a really nice descriptor, as well. Seeing her at conflict with her own mistakes, like someone finding the stuff on her phone, was a stressful time for the reader.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but this story feels a lot more character driven than plot driven. It's all about her, her past, and growing. I think there is a huge cultural theme underpinning the story, clearly, with so many people being against all things sexual, which is something that Jihad is too buried into. I'm curious to see how you take the development of this, but right now, I had to say, the non-linear narrative of the story is making me question a lot of... well, what's the conflict? What are the stakes, really? Sometimes, I just feel as if it isn't emphasised enough or, when it is, it's mostly emotional turbulence (which is a valid conflict). And, after reading the story, I just don't see the connection with the summary/blurb, and while the characters are moving forward, I don't know if I feel like there is tension growing throughout the chapters. Those are just my thoughts!

OVERALL SCORE: 17.5/25

Overall, a really interesting premise! I would focus on just making sure you fix up some punctuation errors throughout your story. I hope this review helps!