Title: Eclipsed World: Midnight Survivor

Author: MeowMeow422

Thank you for your patience! I'm sorry I don't review poetry, but thank you for giving me the opportunity to instead look at one of your novels!

Summary: 4.5/5

I think this is a really fantastic summary, off the bat. I see the protagonist and enough context for me to want them to go on that adventure, as well as a clear direction on where this story goes. You've added a layer to the stakes, making it clear that there's truth to his past that he needs to know. I also think there's a layer of fun to the voice, as well, with the teasing remarks about examinations. Well done, if that's the goal for your story! I wish I knew more about the stakes – what's the worst that happens if they fail? What is the urgency and intensity?

Grammar: 2.5/5

Your story was pretty easy to follow and understand, which is great! However, there were definitely a bunch of grammatical errors that popped up. Let's discuss these!

When dialogue is followed by a verbal dialogue tag (such as 'he said', 'she whispered', 'they exclaimed – or anything referring to how the character says the words), there should be a comma before the closing inverted commas. If it's anything else, this comma should be replaced by a period (or a question mark for a question, and an exclamation mark for an exclamation). For example:

"Your brother's trying to sleep." The woman says, gently caressing the baby's cheek lovingly.

It should be:

"Your brother's trying to sleep," the woman says, gently caressing the baby's cheek lovingly.

Speaking of dialogue, when you have multiple characters speaking, each one needs to start on a new paragraph. For example:

The 5-year-old grins, her own blue eyes gleaming as well. "He's adorable!" The girl coos. The woman also smiles, happy that her daughter and son took a liking to each other. "Well, I'm glad you think so," says the woman, her voice gentle.

It should be:

The 5-year-old grins, her own blue eyes gleaming as well. "He's adorable!" the girl coos.

The woman also smiles, happy that her daughter and son took a liking to each other. "Well, I'm glad you think so," says the woman, her voice gentle.

Next, let's talk about tenses. You tend to go back and forth between present and past tense. Sometimes, you even change tenses in the middle of a sentence.

The girl puffs out her cheeks, but then her eyes fell upon her cute brother.

Puffs is present tense, whereas fell is past tense. Fall would be the present tense form. Make sure you keep tenses consistent!

You also just have some incomplete sentences, and some general typos. For example:

Her matching long black hair flowing with the movement.

Consider changing 'flowing' to 'flows', so it feels like a verb.

"You probably thirsty."

Consider changing 'you' to 'you're'.

Characterisation: 3/5

I think it's cool that you've got these rather big, almost exaggerated personalities, that contrast Raven's very calm approach to the whole novel. However, I sometimes wish you could slow down the pace to emphasise this.

What I mean is that I'd love to see more purposeful scenes when we are seeing your characters interact. Let's go to the first chapter! Is it important to know what everyone wants to drink? Or would it be more impactful to see dialogue between them as they interact with one another? Maybe instead of showing us their drink orders and then changing the scene, you could really settle the reader by slowing down the pace and letting us understand the characters we are seeing.

For example, you did this really well when you introduced Max! You still kept the plot going, but you also slowed down to show us how he combed Raven's hair and acted super comfortable around them, while also really contrasting their dialogue and showing us the friendly banter between them. So, when Emily and Mei come in, consider that energy again by slowing it down for us and letting us know them.

Speaking of Max, poor guy! My heart hurts for him, who loves his sisters so much, but they don't all necessarily treat him back with the same respect. I'm looking at you, Princess. Just make sure that his narration doesn't feel too childish or funny in serious topics. For example:

What happened...? Why is everything so freakishly white? What, am I dead?! Have I gone to heaven or something?!?! WHO'S GONNA FEED BUBS?!?!?

Okay, dial it back with the capitals, the bolding, and the punctuation. Because suddenly, everything has taken a humorous, shrieking approach. Why not consider making it more serious – more threatening and scary – so that when Raven chooses to take the bargain the masked woman offers him, it feels more satisfying, because we feel a sense of urgency and stakes and genuine fear?

Writing Style: 2/5

I have to appreciate the conversational tone to your narrative! It's playful, fun and easy to engage with. There are just a few overall writing things I want to go over.

First, redundancy. It can be tempting to really spell things out for the reader because we want them to keep track, but you don't want to overdo it. If things are spelt out too us too much, it becomes redundant, and almost feels irrelevant and distracting to the story. Let's go back to the original example from the start:

The 5-year-old grins, her own blue eyes gleaming as well. "He's adorable!" The girl coos. The woman also smiles, happy that her daughter and son took a liking to each other. "Well, I'm glad you think so," says the woman, her voice gentle.

Do you need to tell us that she was 'happy that her daughter and son took a liking to each other'? Can't we already see it, because she says it in her dialogue, and she smiles? Do you need to include that?

Additionally, atmosphere. I just feel like you include so much more of it! When we see the boy's mother, in the prologue, fall to the ground, blood on her cheeks, really emphasise that moment. Show us how pained her face is, or what is happening around them. If we were in the boy's shoes, what would we see, smell and hear? Really put us in that moment to maximise the tension.

Finally, repetition. I think your writing structure is occasionally a bit jarring because of how repetitive it can appear. For example, in one paragraph, you have the following sentence starters:

I blow a stray strand...

I walk over to the...

I glance at the...

I take a fresh towel...

They're all starting with 'I [verb]', which, after a few times, becomes a bit robotic and awkward to read. Consider switching it up!

Plot + Originality: [no score – not included in final score]

What an intense start to your story! The prologue is instantly captivating, showing us how Raven ended up in his situation and the truth about his past, I assume. I think it's really clever that the reader knows more than the protagonist in this story!

I also think that the ending of your story, thus far, is really effective – a decision to either let his friend die, or let the masked woman heal Max as long as Raven joins her. I'm very excited to see him plunge into the new world, so best of luck with all that!

I decided not to score this, just because there are only four chapters and a prologue available – so it's not really enough for me to get a full sense of a plot. However, I will say that maximising tension by removing humour from the final chapter, as well as making sure you add atmosphere and description to the story. For example, in that final chapter, the Russian accent – while obviously an interesting take – made the whole intense moment almost comical, when really, it's such a big and life-changing moment for Raven.

OVERALL SCORE: 12/20

Overall, a cool premise and engaging start to a story! Just make sure you polish up your dialogue and tenses to make it a bit clearer. I hope this helps!