Title: Violet

Author: CupQwertyqoo

Summary: 4/5

I think your first paragraph about Violet Valley is just so gripping – really well done there! You've got such a clear purpose and conflict, and it's instantly such a cool premise, so I'm so glad you emphasised that with the poem at the very start. The way you introduce Olivia is also clear, and the stakes are hinted at – with darkness taking over.

I think the main thing that bugged me was the final line, actually. 'And to help her, she has been blessed.' – honestly, it just feels like a weak ending. Blessed by what? What's the risk? Why does a blessing matter to us, at this point? Either try to elaborate on that so it's not as vague and awkward, or remove it, is my suggestion.

Grammar: 3.5/5

In general, your writing is quite polished! In all fairness, the consistent mistakes I caught were really miniscule details that are honestly quite common, so let's clarify the rules!

When dialogue is followed by a verbal dialogue tag (such as 'he said', 'she whispered', 'they exclaimed – or anything referring to how the character says the words), there should be a comma before the closing inverted commas. If it's anything else, this comma should be replaced by a period (or a question mark for a question, and an exclamation mark for an exclamation). For example:

"It might crumble if we both go on together." I argued, out of worry.

It should actually be:

"It might crumble if we both go on together," I argued, out of worry.

Another example:

"This is the same scent as the one we smelled at the lake." he whispered.

It should actually be:

"This is the same scent as the one we smelled at the lake," he whispered.

Even when it's not dialogue, but internal thoughts, we need to be careful! For example:

Well done, Olivia. That was a great way to start your journey – get the forest to know you are here. I thought to myself sarcastically.

It should actually be:

Well done, Olivia. That was a great way to start your journey – get the forest to know you are here, I thought to myself sarcastically.

Also, watch out for your tenses. I think, when you refer to the future, you just need to be careful. For example:

The flowing river that the stone bridge was built over wasn't any clearer than the water by Broken Bridge. It dampened my spirits a little, although I should have expected it since the water around here was never too clear.

I hoped it didn't break.

I would consider changing the "didn't" to wouldn't, as it is in past tense, but they are yet to walk on the bridge at the moment in the story. I think that just would make it a bit more clear, like so:

The flowing river that the stone bridge was built over wasn't any clearer than the water by Broken Bridge. It dampened my spirits a little, although I should have expected it since the water around here was never too clear.

I hoped it wouldn't break.

Characterisation: 3.5/5

I think, from the very start, Olivia made a very fun storyteller! She really milks out the drama and the humour in each situation, sometimes. I love the theatrics in her narration – like the whole, "I can't say I stole from them. Because then I would be lying." That was a fun, engaging way to introduce her!

Obviously, the dynamic between herself and Ignis is adorable, with all the wrestling and teasing and varying sets of skills. I'm excited, mostly, to see how their acquaintanceship grows over time, and whether more will be introduced to the story in terms of how they develop.

I will say that, with characterisation, it just felt like there was quite a bit of telling instead of showing. This sometimes made the characters feel less immersive. Let's talk about it in the next section, to avoid repetition from me!

Writing Style: 3.5/5

I have to say, I loved the subtle but instant immersion into the world. Measuring distance in foxtail-length? Great! Very succinctly but effectively helping us picture a lupis? Great!

However, as I mentioned before, I felt like there was just a tad too much telling going on. I feel like, in moments where you could have been more descriptive and really engaged us with figurative language that makes us truly feel how your characters feel, you signed it off with a statement that told us what was going on. Let's go through two examples I picked out:

I will show them, I thought angrily while fingering a small cloth bag.

Okay, aside from that angrily, there really was not that much anger we could see – which is odd, because it's first person. So, show us. If we were there, a small cell in her brain, how would we know she's angry? How would her body respond? Or, perhaps even use the opportunity to have her speak to the reader more – it is first person; internal monologue is your friend!

I attempted to shift. It worked, but it was unendurably painful and slow.

Show the moment to us! What does the shift look like? How does it transform, exactly? What does it feel like? Painful, sure, but what sort of pain? Stabbing pain? Burning pain? An ache? Use figurative language to show us how that would feel.

Plot + Originality: 3.5/5

A strength to your story is that you constantly have a purpose to every moment in the book. Whether it be putting the lock together, changing routes to save the squirrel, and obviously always avoiding that darned lupis that seems to be a never ending threat (until Ignis comes along, and decides he knows how to speak lupis language to convince them to clear the area, yay!). Well done! It's always really nice to have a constant drive to the writing.

Again, the story itself almost feels a bit too rushed because of the telling and limited showing. So really make sure you are fleshing out the moments, gripping the reader, and making each chase somehow feel different to the last – otherwise it's just a repetition of panic, chaos, escape, whew, oh no more panic and chaos. Which, granted, is always fun, but you want to make sure that it feels different every time.

Keep up the good work! I can't wait to see what happens as they get closer to Olivia's primary goal.

OVERALL SCORE: 18/25

Overall, a quick and sweet read so far, with lots of fun moments. Just make sure you fix up some of the punctuation with dialogue, as well as try to really flesh out some moments. I hope this review helps!