Title: Hear The Whispers Sing

Author: shoutouttodiversity

Summary: 3/5

There are some great aspects to your summary! I think you perfectly show the stakes, you briefly introduce the characters who will be the focus, and your pitch at the beginning as very intriguing. However, for me, it was way too quick and it was way too confusing. By the end, I was lost.

Remember: your story is brand new to the reader. They know nothing about your book when they read the summary, so when you introduce it, you need to introduce it in a way that is cohesive and easy to absorb. And while it's excellent to make the reader ask questions, there needs to be a balance. Let's go through it a bit:

In the Malifedha family, the secrets that don't break them make their bond stronger; which is just as well because they've been sitting on a showstopper. Eighteen years into making their demonic masterpiece, and everything seems to be going just peachy.

First of all, be careful of your punctuation. I think a comma would be more apt than a semicolon. Additionally – pause. A demonic masterpiece? Where is that coming from? Is that the showstopper? It feels a bit vague.

But when an old friend out for revenge gets on their trail, the family is in trouble. Demons from Mother Malifedha's past (yes, literal ones) strengthen Warsame's investigation and the stress sends Father Malifedha into a spiral.

I did love the part in the brackets – it added voice and character. But, wait, who is Warsame? What is this investigation? Why is the father being sent into a spiral exactly – how is it affecting him? Why should we care about him? Who is he?

Seeing that things are beginning to unravel, Akiba Malifedha steps up to hold it all together. But as the battle to keep Warsame from shattering her family intensifies and her actions become more desperate, Akiba is faced with a terrible choice. Losing her family forever or selling her soul to darkness.

Again, who is Akiba? Why should we care about them? It feels like far too much, and not enough of it has been fleshed out to really immerse the reader. Some parts – especially the Warsame investigation – feel far too random.

Grammar: 3.5/5

Overall, your grammar is pretty polished! There were, however, a few errors that I caught. Most have to do with dialogue, so let's go straight into it!

"Bawana Malifedha, this is a huge pain in the neck for me too, you know," sighed the inspector. "So just cooperate, will you?" she dropped the bucket of stones.

Akiba dropping the bucket should begin with a capital letter, as it should be the start of a new sentence. It should be:

"Bawana Malifedha, this is a huge pain in the neck for me too, you know," sighed the inspector. "So just cooperate, will you?" She dropped the bucket of stones.

Next:

"How dare you!" She snapped.

This has the opposite problem! Because the 'she snapped' is a dialogue tag, it is technically part of the same sentence. So, it should be:

"How dare you!" she snapped.

I've mentioned a bit about dialogue tags just above, but let's go into it with a bit more detail. When dialogue is followed by a verbal dialogue tag (such as 'he said', 'she whispered', 'they exclaimed – or anything referring to how the character says the words), there should be a comma before the closing inverted commas. If it's anything else, this comma should be replaced by a period (or a question mark for a question, and an exclamation mark for an exclamation). For example:

"I'm afraid you'll have to leave for a while, Mzee." Akiba said, trying to channel enough horror to paint over her face.

It should actually be:

"I'm afraid you'll have to leave for a while, Mzee," Akiba said, trying to channel enough horror to paint over her face.

Also:

"Mama, look at it. That wall is shouting 'look at me, I have a secret,'"

Since that quotation was at the end of the paragraph, and was followed by nothing else, it should have ended in a full-stop, like so:

"Mama, look at it. That wall is shouting 'look at me, I have a secret.'"

And just look out for little typos! I didn't catch too many, but there are some here and there, such as:

"Ohhh, said Akiba, "si she was the one studying to be a scientist?"

I believe you meant 'so' instead of 'si'.

Characterisation: 4/5

I actually loved the focal voices in your story. It's very easy to love and root for your central voices, which is honestly excellent.

Akiba is just so much fun from the very beginning. She makes a fantastic actress, being super fake with Warsame – and I can't deny it, I genuinely laughed when she was telling him that he looked amazing and that the sun was envious of his beard, when she secretly was telling us that he looked homeless. She showed a lot of courage, a lot of instant complexity, but also shows a good sense of morals later throughout the story.

I also just adore how much she cares for her family. She shows these values very subtly, but also shows us that constant fun side – throwing the sandal at Waridi? Yes. Amazing. As a side note, I also really loved her dad! He feels like a very compassionate voice of reason, with some sarcastic comments here and there, and was able to see and sympathise with both sides to the drama between Waridi and Faraja. He kind of reminds me of my dad, so I did enjoy him!

Then we see Istahil, who feels starkly different to Akiba in both her introduction, context, and her overall voice. I think, generally, authors need to be careful when including a new focal point in case it's less interesting than the original, but I loved her! Cackling like a witch? Unleashing a giant cat upon them all? Perfect. Her voice came across very authentically, so really well done!

The only issues I had with characterisation will be, simply, that the introduction of characters could sometimes be a bit awkward, stilted and rushed. We'll go through that in the next section!

Writing Style: 3.5/5

Okay, to begin, I was so in love with your purposeful descriptions throughout the whole story. I just adored how rich your setting was, and how you made sure to show that to us – from subtle things like coral surfaces of the table, to the dried blood and fangs and eyeballs rolling around that instantly set a tone and energy to the room. Really, really well done!

However, similar to your summary, I felt like your exposition of new characters was sometimes a bit too quick. You introduce these names, but there's not enough of a grounding presence when they're first brought up. Obviously, once we see more of them, it's a lot easier to sink in and move on, but let's look at our very first scene.

It's the first chapter, and we're introduced to four characters very quickly – Akiba, her mother, her father, and Warsame. All of this happens very quickly, and we can't even really see two of them – as Warsame and Baba are having their own conversation elsewhere, that we can only hear.

Slow it down. Set it up. You can start it slowly by just having her and her mother doing their own thing, and show us what they are doing to ground us. Then, a noise. Then, press the ear to the door and slow it down. That's when we can hear Baba and Warsame – and when you say Warsame's name, feel free to show us some internal monologue that shows us how we should feel about him – or, at least, how Akiba feels about him. A bit of context about him. What their voices sound like.

The most important thing about writing is clarity. So, in moments where Abo is speaking to Istahil on the phone, and she's crying about being the murdered sidekick number three (which kind of made me laugh, actually), you could consider making it clearer when he's speaking to her as opposed to speaking to the man who is... literally tossing knives at him. Whether his voice sounds closer when he's actively speaking to her, or even if you have a small break as he moves back to the phone – those work fine.

Plot + Originality: 5/5

It's really hard to say much about this, because I feel like the party is just getting started! But it most definitely is a party from the start – I was thoroughly entertained. There is something about the little glimpses of humour that really makes your story quite charming. I loved her mother yelling at Warsame about his fashion sense. My goodness – not the hideous camel leather shoes. Absolute sandal cruelty. It really puts the sandal in scandal.

I also liked seeing Istahil's side, and it was a fun balance. From driving a giant cat through the homestead, to being expelled, to contemplating and nearly jumping out naked in front of the elders near those pots... never really a dull moment there! Now that she's finally decided to see Abdirahman, I'm really excepted to see where her story goes and how all of the lines you've started creating will tangle together.

I also love the importance of family that you've highlighted in your story. I always believe more stories need to do this, and you doing this has made me feel very happy!

Well done, and good luck with the rest of your story!

OVERALL SCORE: 19/25

Overall, a very interesting premise with lots of promise. Make sure you clear up your punctuation and slow down your exposition, and you should be good to go. I hope this review helps!