Title: The Enemy Beside Me

Author: AeolianEon

Summary: 4.5/5

I think this is a pretty great summary! I like the way you've introduced the Zones, and Jaxon already seems like a very charming character from this summary alone. There is already a really distinct tone to your summary which makes it quite engaging, and you hint at the tensions and direction of the story in a seamless way.

I only really had one moment where I was a bit miffed, and that was when I saw the 'raw power' – what raw power? There hasn't really been mention of Jaxon having some sort of power previously, so it felt thrown out there a bit too randomly. Is his power his arrogance? Or is there actually a power? And what are the stakes? What happens if he doesn't control it? I was just a bit lost throughout that paragraph, but it was such a small thing. Your summary, as a whole, is still effective. Well done!

Grammar: 4/5

Overall, you've got a very polished manuscript. Overall, there were just a few things I caught while reading. Let's go through some of them!

No, I'm not bragging; it just it is.

I just don't think that latter part really makes sense at all – or, at least, it's really awkward to read.

She's too melodramatic when living with Ally and his wife was her idea.

I think you need a comma to make this sentence actually make sense. Consider a comma after melodramatic – otherwise it almost sounds like she's melodramatic when she lives with Ally, when we know she's not living with him.

He isn't religious, he says, but he at least thank God for giving him meals and shelter.

I'd change the 'thank' to 'thanks' for cohesion.

You also have an instance where you had two characters speaking on the same line:

To lessen the awkwardness, Declan says, "I lived here because I like it here." It sounds interesting. "For real?" I ask.

Please put them on two separate paragraphs, as a new speaker should have a new paragraph.

And finally, in Alasdair's chapter ten:

Watanabe was so still he could be mistaken as a statue. ' "We don't need your permission. We have someone who can take away our land swiftly and easily."'

You have a random space between the first inverted comma (' after statue) and the inverted commas (" before we). Make sure you clear those up!

Characterisation: 5/5

Okay, first thing is first – I love Jax's narration so much. It's so casual and conversational. As someone who coaches teenage boys, the voice felt so real, paired up with his interests and attitudes. And even though he's arrogant, there are some amazing moments from the very beginning that already hint to him having a soft side – his secret code with his mother and how they squeeze each other's hands? Instantly sweet and fascinating.

Throughout the story, he continues to be such a joy to read. When he gave that recap to Dylan of how he had panted and run out before he could tell him about Eien had me rolling. What I absolutely adored, though, was the development. Instead of being embarrassed by the end, when Ally tells him he loves him and he's proud of him, Jax saying it back... man, I melted.

Towards the end, we see this very arrogant, "I don't want to be here" character develop into someone very selfless. His whole main motive after all the deceit – after feeling lied to and cheated by everyone – becomes about keeping Eien safe, and we see this in very subtle moments, from being the one who doesn't want to be healed by Eien because he wants to be the one helping Eien.

I also will say that Alasdair was such an interesting perspective to read, because that also showed such an interesting progression and development! It started off as such a quiet, calming contrast, with a desire to be perfect, learning about his perception even in third person very seamlessly – from his personality, to things like why he can't stand cats.

One thing I found particularly interesting was his never-ending curiosity on how others react. I'm not sure if this was a purposeful thing that you wanted to draw out, but it seemed like so many things in the novel happened because he just wanted to see what others would do. Either way, he becomes more and more terrifying as we get to know him – and now, with him wanting to be feared as much as Kaito, yikes! We've got this exciting character who doesn't trust anyone and is very complex. Well done!

Overall, of course I love Eien, but each character felt distinct and purposeful. Well done!

Writing Style: 4.5/5

Throughout the story, I didn't take any notes, and that's a really good thing! I was thoroughly captivated and drawn in, and the voices, as mentioned above, were engaging and exciting to read. Your descriptive language is purposeful and effective, and I thought the pacing worked very well for your story – I never felt overwhelmed or disjointed from the story.

I would just watch out for some little phrasing moments. My assumption is that it just needs a little bit of a reread and revision, but for example:

Eien is waiting. "It was Uncle. Short call, but it was nice nonetheless. Oh, by the way? He's named you after his son."

I think, in that instance, you meant "he's named his son after you" – since he named the son after Eien.

Anyways, back to positive remarks because I have just so many to give. A highlight to me was the way that, when Jax uses that fire that he uses to burn Watanabe, we feel that fire in the writing itself – it's like it consumes him, and his empathy towards Watanabe disappears with that. Instead, he wants him hurt, he wants him gone, he wants to be feared, and it just was very chilling. Well done!

Plot + Originality: 5/5

First of all, great opening line! Nothing is ever quite as punchy as hating life and wanting the lord to know that.

Overall, I just love the haunting bits that are constantly present from the beginning to the end of the novel – going to buy a phone, and seeing hints of boundaries and segregation in ways that Jax can't buy whatever he wants. The lack of answers makes Jaxon confused with the reader, and all throughout the story, we see those uneasy elements of being careful of what we say due to wired calls, and it gives a vibe of being watched at all times.

I really liked how you compared the cultures! It made the story so nice to ease into, and I felt like I learnt a lot as a reader about minor things like how students in other cultures handle their lunches, which I really appreciated! The flashbacks are also very natural and work with the narrative very smoothly – I loved the moment you took us back to Alasdair asking the guard to drown himself as a test for Declan, and then linking that to how Declan still doesn't quite trust him a full year later.

Your story always has some sort of hook for us – whether it be unanswered questions, some light humour and loveable characters, to just very tense or heartbreaking moments. Poor Ally – having to choose between his wife and twins really amped up the stakes (with Eien trying desperately to help, but Haru's life just at complete risk), but also worked so well for the story. Because, most importantly, it really highlighted just how much Jax can care, because he does seem to try hard and he seems so desperate to help his uncle.

On top of that, as well as all the fast-paced movement, action, and those brilliant passages of powers, there are lots of interesting and relevant topics – xenophobia, for example, which is especially emphasised when Watanabe and Alasdair have a little chat and discuss whether it's fair or not to label every non-native way back when they were younger (if I recall correctly, Alasdair had been thirteen).

You have a great, engaging story, a climactic ending, and a very haunting note. Well done!

OVERALL SCORE: 23/25

Overall, a really great story. I loved the voice, the pace, and the themes within the story. Keep up the great work! I'm sorry I don't have much else to say, because really, I actually just enjoyed it a lot! Just make sure you polish up some finer details and you'll be good to go.