chapter forty-seven ━ you can't be gone
( season nine, episode one )

❝Just—Just wiggle a finger. Anything
so I don't have to do this. Please don't
leave me.❞

ELLIE STARED UP at the hospital, a large pit growing in her stomach. She couldn't go in; she just... she couldn't. She couldn't say goodbye.

How could she say goodbye?

With heavy steps, she made her way into the hospital and walked the familiar path to the elevator. Once she stepped off, she entered the main lobby and saw Meredith and Bailey standing at the nurse's station.

The attending nudged the new fellow and she looked over. "Ellie," she said immediately and the blonde glanced at her briefly. "Uh—I thought Jackson said you'd be coming by later?"

"Coming later wouldn't change anything," Ellie replied, her voice hoarse. It sounded like she had been crying for days and Meredith knew she had been.

Bailey pressed her lips together at the sight of the young woman whose usual sparkle in her eye was gone. "How—How are you? It's nice to see you again."

Ellie looked down at her watch. "Seven hours."

She walked away and Meredith sighed, watching her disappear from her view. She knew the pain that Ellie was going through all too well. The only difference was that Ellie had spent much more time with her brother than she had with Lexie.

But the pain of losing a sibling was the same.

Ellie paused in front of a hospital room and her eyes immediately wandered inside. "Ellie." She looked over and Richard walked toward her. "Uh—We're all set for tonight. Unless, of course, you had any questions or concerns for me." She shook her head wordlessly, looking back into the room. He nodded and cleared his throat. "Well, then—uh—five o'clock."

"Five o'clock," she echoed before opening the door to the room. She paused in the doorway and Richard watched as she slowly walked toward the bed and sat down on the chair next to it, taking his hand on hers. "Hi, Mark."

She licked her unusually dry lips and looked up at the sound of the ventilator. "I'm sorry that I haven't been by to visit," she said, looking back at her brother's pale frame. "But... the closer we got to today, I—" She took in a shaky breath. "The more I didn't want to come." She tilted her head as tears filled her eyes. "You just had to make me your power of attorney, didn't you?

"I mean, if it was up to me, I'd keep you plugged in for much longer. Selfishly. I just want to keep you alive. Even if you're not alive..." She squeezed his hand desperately. "Don't do this to me, Mark. Please. Just—Just wiggle a finger. Flutter your eyes. Anything. Anything so I don't have to do this." She covered her mouth as the tears fell faster. "Please don't leave me."

Derek had been standing in the doorway and walked inside, resting a hand on Ellie's shoulder. She looked up at him and his heart sank at how bloodshot her eyes were.

"It's too soon," she said to him, turning back to her brother. "It's too soon. He—He's not supposed to leave yet. It's too soon..."

𝟏𝟗𝟗𝟒

Ellie poked the video camera through the crack of the church doors at Derek's wedding, trying her best to record whatever ridiculous conversation he and Mark were sharing.

"You are a terrible best man," Derek told Mark.

"Addison's great, but one woman for the rest of your life?" Mark replied and Ellie pressed her lips together to keep herself from laughing. "It's not what God intended. Especially for men who look like us. God intended for us, many, many women—a staggering number of women."

Derek stared back at him before patting him on the shoulders with a smile. "I just hope you didn't forget the rings."

"Derek... you're lucky to have me," Mark said and he nodded, fixing his cufflinks. "You will never, ever find another friend as good as me, ever." He looked at the door when he heard a giggle. "Ellie, are you recording this?"

"No."

He began walking toward her and she hurried away. "Give me that camera! Elizabeth, give me that camera!"

☀️

ELLIE FOUND HERSELF making her way to the cafeteria and looked around at all of the busyness happening. It was as though everybody's day was carrying on as normal. It was just another day of the week.

But it wasn't.

Her eyes glanced around the room, her gaze settling on Alex, Meredith, and Jackson sitting at a table with their lunch. She walked over to them, playing with the ends of her sweatshirt. "Can—Can I join you?" she asked them and they all looked up at her voice.

"Ellie." Alex looked surprised to see her. She fidgeted with her fingers and he nodded. "Uh—How are you?"

"I've been better," she said quietly, sitting down in the chair next to Jackson.

She brought her legs up to her knees and hugged them close to her body, making herself as small as she possibly could. Alex looked at Jackson who looked just as tired as Ellie was. The circles under his eyes were nowhere near as dark as hers. But nobody knew that during all of Ellie's restless nights, he was up with her.

Especially after the plane crash, she didn't like being alone.

Alex took another opportunity to take in Ellie's appearance. Her blonde hair was pulled into a messy bun that was falling out of its elastic. Her eyes were bloodshot from her many days of crying. Her lips were cracking from the lack of taking care of herself. The happiness that was always found in her eyes was gone.

She didn't look like the Ellie anybody knew.

Meredith cleared her throat. "Uh—Ellie, I've made my decision for the intern appy," she said and the blonde tore her gaze away from picking at her fingernails to look at her. "I—I figured that since they don't know you yet, it might be a good opportunity for you to introduce yourself to them."

Ellie glanced at Jackson who shrugged. "You don't have to."

"I—" She looked over at the table full of new surgical interns; all baby-faced and nervous. Four women and a man who all seemed to be sulking and complaining about their attending and fellows. "Yeah." She nodded and stood up, looking down at her sweatshirt and leggings. "I don't really look that scary, do I?" She shook out her messy bun and combed through her hair with her fingers. "Does it look better at all?"

Meredith shrugged, handing her the folder with the intern's name written on the page. Ellie looked down at it before nodding to herself, letting out a breath.

"Good afternoon, interns," she said once she had arrived at the table and they all looked at her. "I'm aware that you don't know me. I'm Dr. Sloan—"

"Like the one who's dying?"

Ellie paused and looked at the intern for a moment. He instantly shrunk down in his seat and she continued. "As you all probably know, we have a tradition here; the honor of performing your first surgery is reserved for the intern who shows the most promise." They all sat upright and her eyes traveled to the brunette who was drinking her soda. "Dr. Wilson." She choked on her drink and coughed, looking up at the fellow. "Congratulations, you'll be scrubbing in with Dr. Grey this afternoon."

She went to walk away when she stopped. "And the next person to mention my brother, you'll be on scut until your boards."

"Great... Now you've made another of our bosses angry," she heard one of the interns say as she walked away.

☀️

JACKSON HAD SUGGESTED that they go watch Derek's surgery and Ellie agreed. They both arrived just as they heard his familiar saying.

"It's a beautiful day to save lives."

Ellie smiled to herself softly as she sat down in the gallery, laying her head on Jackson's shoulder as he wrapped an arm around her, pulling her closer.

𝟏𝟗𝟗𝟔

It was Ellie's first time seeing Mark do a surgery and she couldn't have been more excited. For so long, she had heard all of the stories of who he had helped and what the circumstances of their need for surgery were, but she had never seen it firsthand.

She was sitting in the gallery of his OR and watched him help a burn patient by removing the burnt tissue from his face. "He'll feel much better after this," he had told his sister before the surgery and she now knew what he meant.

Her focus was taken away from the surgery as she saw her brother joke with the surgical staff inside the OR with him. She smiled to herself, seeing the glow that was on his face when he was doing what he loved.

Once the surgery was finished, he looked up to the observation deck. "So, what'd you think, Ellie?" he asked.

"You look like you were enjoying it," she replied and he nodded. "Doing what we love."

"We help people," he said. "It's rewarding."

It was at that moment that Ellie knew she wanted to be a surgeon when she grew up.

As she followed her brother out of the building at the end of the day, he looked back at her. "Ready to go home?" She nodded in response. "But, first... pizza and potstickers?"

"The Sloan Sibling Special?" she asked, a smile growing on her face.

He nodded. "It's our new tradition," he said, chuckling at her amusement. "Whenever something goes well for either of us, we're gonna celebrate with pizza and potstickers."

She smiled to herself, following Mark to their car, feeling perfectly content in that moment.

𝐏𝐑𝐄𝐒𝐄𝐍𝐓 𝐃𝐀𝐘

"I'll be right back," Ellie said to Jackson who nodded and she made her way out of Derek's OR observation deck into Meredith's where the intern appy was just beginning. She stood in the back next to Owen and looked over when she heard the interns talking amongst themselves.

"She's not gonna succeed."

"She might. As long as long as she doesn't look up at Medusa during the surgery."

"Yeah. That face will calcify her."

"Do you think Medusa's always been Medusa?"

"Probably. I heard her mom was even worse."

"Yeah, but... that doesn't give her an excuse to act like a demon from the depths of hell itself."

Meredith looked straight up to the observation deck and her gaze settled on the interns who all suddenly looked very nervous. "It's like she can hear us."

Ellie cleared her throat with a nod. "Yeah, that little red light—" She pointed at it and they all looked horrified. "—that means that the intercom is on. Now, sit up straight and see if you can learn something instead of complaining about your superior."

They all immediately did as she said and she nodded, leaving the gallery. Owen looked at her before turning the intercom back on. "Dr. Grey, could I ask you a question?"

"Of course, Dr. Hunt."

"Which surgeon here gives the best lessons?" he asked. "Who should not be crossed but is still a very good teacher?"

Meredith smirked under her mask and looked up from the surgery. "Oh, that's easy. Dr. Sloan. There's a reason she was made chief resident. Everybody respects her—residents and attendings. She may look sweet but don't make her mad. She has that Sloan temper."

Owen nodded. "Thank you, Dr. Grey." He looked at the interns. "Keep watching the surgery. There's a reason it's her down there and not one of you." He walked out of the room and paused when he saw Ellie leaning against the wall. "Ellie?"

She bit her trembling lip and looked at him. "Do you have any siblings, Dr. Hunt?"

"I—I did."

"Did?"

He nodded, sitting down beside her as she slid down the wall. "Megan," he said. "My sister. She-uh—She died. Well, technically, she went missing and then was declared dead."

She sniffled, rubbing her nose. "I'm sorry. Did—Did you ever... get past it? Or... Or move on? Can you even move on from something like that?"

"With time," he replied with a short nod. "And not ever fully. It hurts right now—it's absolute hell in the beginning—but it does get better with time. It doesn't feel like that right now, but eventually, you'll understand what I mean."

Ellie wiped away the tears that had traveled down her cheeks and neck. "I just... it hurts. All the time. It feels like my chest is going to explode."

"I know," he said softly. "I know. And that pain will continue. For a long time. Until... it stops. It'll stop and that pain will turn into memories. The good ones and the bad ones. Memories that you'll look back on fondly one day."

"Really?"

"Really," he confirmed and she looked down the hallway toward her brother's room. "But for today—" She glanced back at him. "—and the foreseeable future, just let the pain come. It won't be fun, and you'll hate it, but you need that pain to heal."

"It's just... he was doing so good!" she said tearfully. "He—He was talking and I had this brief glimmer of hope. That—That despite everything, he would live and I wouldn't have to make any decisions. But then he signed a directive that I have to let him go after thirty days and I can't do anything about it. Instead, I—I have Dr. Webber coming to me asking me to sign a document that would turn off his life support. I—He's my brother."

Owen sighed and pulled her into a tight hug. "I know. I know."

☀️

ELLIE WAS STANDING outside of Mark's room, watching Jackson sit inside with him when she looked down at her watch and her heart immediately dropped to her stomach. "Ellie." She shook her head when she heard Richard's voice and looked up at him, seeing his face full of sadness. "I'm sorry, but we need you to sign."

She looked down at the clipboard in his hand and she nodded, taking it with a shaking hand. She scribbled her loopy signature at the bottom. "Anything else?" she asked, handing back the clipboard.

"Just one more thing," he said and she let out a breath. "Is—um—is he a donor?"

"What?"

"Mark," he clarified and she glanced inside the room. "Unfortunately, it was never updated in his paperwork, so that decision remains with you."

"Uh—" She pressed her lips together and shrugged. "I don't—I don't know. Maybe? We—We never had that conversation, so he never told me. But, I guess, whatever you can use after all of this... you can have. I think he'd want that."

Richard nodded. "Thank you. I'll be in shortly with Shepherd and Torres."

Ellie watched him walk away before letting out a breath and opening the door to Mark's room. Jackson was looking through the small pile of charts in his lap while discussing his final patient with his mentor.

"So, I discharged our cleft baby," he said and Ellie sighed, leaning in the doorway. "He'll be back in about six months. Oh! And I... I decided against reconstruction... for Grandpa. I know it's not what we talked about, but... and don't take it the wrong way, alright? Because... you've taught me a lot. But, I think—um... I really know what I'm doing now." He cleared his throat as his voice broke. "So... I'm good. The plastics posse... gonna live on. Because—uh—because I can take it from here. And don't worry about Ellie. She's in good hands."

She wrapped her arms around his neck. "He loved you, too," she whispered and he rubbed her hand with his thumb. "I know he did. And... he was very proud of you, Jackson. You need to know that."

Just then, Derek and Callie walked in and Jackson stood up. "I'll be outside if you need me, okay?" he said to her and she nodded. He pressed a kiss to her forehead before leaving the room.

Ellie moved to Derek's side and Richard walked in with a nurse. "After I stop his medication, I'm gonna extubate him," he began.

Callie sighed. "Okay, we're all doctors here. You don't need to say this."

"I'm not saying it because you need to know the procedure," Richard told her softly. "I'm saying it because even if you think you're prepared, or not, for what's about to happen, you're not. Your brain can't fully absorb what we're about to do. But by saying this... I'm giving you a little time to catch up."

Ellie nodded and motioned for him to continue. "So... after I stop his medications... I'm gonna extubate him. As indicated in his living will, Dr. Sloan asked that, if life-sustaining procedures would only prolong the moment of death, that those procedures be discontinued. Dr. Sloan asked that if he were unable to make his own medical decisions, that his directive be honored by his chosen proxy—Ellie.

"His final request was that only comfort care be given to him in his final moments. Once support is removed, he may only hold on for a few minutes... or the process could take hours. I'm turning the ventilator off." Ellie covered her mouth as the machine clicked off and tears welled in her eyes. "We've sedated him with morphine so he's not feeling any of this."

She nodded. "Good," she whispered, her voice breaking. "Good."

Richard pulled out the tube from Mark's mouth and he immediately gagged. "I'll give you three some privacy."

"Thank you, Dr. Webber," Ellie said as he passed by her. He squeezed her shoulder in comfort and she forced out a smile to him.

Ellie looked over at her brother and climbed into the bed beside him. She leaned her head on his chest and the sound of his slowing heartbeat echoed in her ears. She took his hand and started playing with his fingers as Callie and Derek looked at her, helplessly.

They didn't know what to do.

☀️

AS MINUTES BLED into hours, the number of surgeons gathering outside of Mark's room grew. Ellie looked up when she heard a beep from the monitor and she felt his heart very slowly stop. Suddenly, the machine began to flatline and she shook her head in denial.

"No," she whispered, looking back down at her brother. "No, don't go. Not yet. Come back." The continuous tone hit her like a ton of bricks as sobs filled her chest. "Mark..."

Derek stood up and walked over to her. "Ellie—"

"He can't be gone," she said, shaking her head. "Not yet. This wasn't supposed to happen, Derek! I—I thought we saved him out there. I—I did a procedure in the woods and it didn't work?"

"El—"

Ellie felt a pair of arms wrap around her as she stumbled off the bed and she looked behind her. "April?" April's face fell and immediately hugged her best friend tightly, holding her in her arms as Ellie fell to the floor in tears.

"I'm sorry, Ellie," she whispered in her ear, rubbing her back. "I'm so sorry."

Jackson stood outside of the room. "Thank you for bringing her here," he said and Andy nodded, looking at him.

"Thanks for calling."

𝟐𝟎𝟏𝟎

Mark sat on Ellie's bed, attempting to shake her awake from her nightmare. "Ellie. Ellie. Come on, sunshine, wake up."

She jolted awake, nearly hitting her brother in the face, and tears were streaming down her face as she looked around. "Mark..."

"Hey, hey, you're okay," he said, taking her face in his hands. "You're safe here, okay?" She nodded slowly. He hugged her tightly and she buried her face in his neck. "I've got you, sunshine."

𝐏𝐑𝐄𝐒𝐄𝐍𝐓 𝐃𝐀𝐘

Ellie rubbed her eyes as she walked out of Mark's room and saw all of the surgeons and nurses who were standing in the hallway. Jackson walked over to her and she looked up at him.

"Do you want to go home?" he asked.

"I need a minute," she whispered and he nodded. She squeezed his hand when she looked behind him. "Andy?" He looked over at her. "Thank you for bringing April."

He nodded. "I'm sorry, Ellie."

She smiled faintly and made her way back into Mark's room. Derek looked up and saw she was staring at her brother's lifeless body. "We'll give you a minute."

He rested a hand on her shoulder and she laid her hand on his. "I'm sorry, Derek. I know that you loved him as much as I did."

Derek kissed her cheek before closing the door behind him. She stood in front of the bed.

"I had so much hope for the past thirty days that you would be fine," she said, moving closer. "But... I—I guess it was just your time." She tilted her head as her eyes studied his face, remembering every detail. "I never properly thanked you, Mark. For... For everything. For raising me; being my biggest cheerleader. And don't you worry about Sofia. I got her." She combed her fingers through his hair. "She's gonna know so much about her daddy. How—How flirty he was and how much he loved her.

"And I'll be okay. So you don't have to worry about me. I—I'm a Sloan. And Sloan's are tough. You're the one who taught me that. So, say hi to Lexie for us and go live your happily-ever-after with her wherever that is. And no matter what, I'm always going to be your sunshine." She kissed his forehead, her tears falling onto his face and she wiped them away. "I love you, Mark. More than you'll ever know." She pressed her lips together, tears falling thickly down her cheeks. "Goodbye."

☀️

━ author's note:

I'm so sorry