Aditya

I was still not sure if this was okay? But I missed her when I was not with her. I wanted to be with her 24*7. The kiss lingered in my mind and it increased my heartbeat whenever I thought about that feeling... Of having the girl I like so close to me. I needed more of it. I wanted more of her...

But I was not sure, still not sure if I am being selfish and doing something wrong to Piyali. Am I dragging her into the darkness with me???

Still, I ended up going to her college on Monday...

When Rohan's friends were pulling me into the group, Rohan came to my rescue. "Leve him alone, for today. Let him be with the girl he came for."

"What girl?" They asked.

"It's just something. Adi, and Piya, you two can go. I will explain it to these guys..."

I nodded and walked out to the garden area with Piyali. She walked two steps behind me.

I stopped walking, for her to catch up to me. She stopped walking when she was beside me. I took her hand in my hand. "Is this okay?" I asked her.

I wished I could see her. I wanted to see what expression she has when I held her hand. I so badly wanted to see her.

"Hm..." she said.

We began walking again. I was leading her...

"Where are we going?" She asked me.

"To the open area near the edge of walls..." I said, almost reaching there...

"How do you know the right direction?" she asked, sounding a bit curious. "Ah... I should not ask." She said. I remembered how she had told me that she won't ask me and remind me about my disability on the first day of the weekend classes.

"No. You can ask." I said, facing her. "It's 'you'. If it's you, you can ask anything. And I want to talk to you, and tell you everything."

Maybe she smiled... I wish I could see that.

"Then...how do you judge directions?" She asked.

"I know east west north and south of almost every place. So I judge by that."

"How do you know East West North and South?" She asked, sounding even more curious.

"I feel the sun rays on me. And Sun goes from east to west. So I judge by the direction of sunrays and time of the day. Besides..." I held my phone up. "Technology has made our lives so easy."

"But you did not use your phone."

"I remember the direction."

"Wow..." She sounded impressed.

"Well, maybe my other senses got improved because one sense is not working. I can feel objects and things that normal people do not." I said.

"Hm...then would you be able to tell where I am even if I make no sound?" She asked.

"Hm...probably," I said. I was sure about that. I could sense her when she is near me.

"Then find me okay?" she said, leaving my hand. She moved away from me. It was soft grass under our feet. So I could not hear her footsteps either. I knew she was near, but I did know where... I turned around and advanced forward. I concentrated to feel her presence. In some seconds, my hands touched her... She jumped away and moved again. "Find me again..." she shouted out. I ran in the direction the sound came. She was moving around as well. It was almost impossible as she made no sound...But I could still feel her presence around and her smell. When I would find her she moved away again. I have had enough just then... I needed her near me. I pulled her. There was a tree nearby, I pushed her to the tree and captured her in between my hands. "Caught you," I said panting.

We were standing close, I could smell her familiar unique smell clearly. Her breath touched my chest...

We were standing so close, almost as if hugging... I wanted to kiss her again.

She seemed to look up at me because her breath fell to my face. I bent down to kiss her again... But then hesitated. She seemed to be waiting...

I paused...

"Is this okay?" I asked her. "Is it okay if I like you?"

She touched my face. I caught her hand in my hand. Her fingers felt a bit cold... "Can I keep on liking you?" I asked.

"Hm..." She said. "It's okay." She said. And she leaned up and kissed my cheeks. "I like you too." She said softly. "So, please don't stop liking me ever."

I felt like I was on clouds. I wanted to jump up and celebrate... I hugged her. She hugged me back, tightly...

Some weeks passed... We held hands as I walked her home from weekend class. We sometimes go to eat lunch outside at weekend classes. Sometimes I go to meet her at her college. We talked on the phone every day. Each day, I was getting to know her better, I got to see new sides of her that I did not know about. Also, she got to know more about me.

Piyali hated Public Display of Affection. Hence we did not hang around with all of the friends, and always liked to be just the two of us when we were with each other. Because I needed to touch her. I cannot see her. So to feel her, I at least needed to hold her hands when we were together. And I liked it...being with her. And I could feel that she liked it too... And even when she did not like to be lovey-dovey in front of everyone, when we were alone, she liked when I touched her. I felt it...and it thrilled me. I was falling more and more into her... And now, I selfishly never wanted to let go of her, or even think that she could get a normal man for her. Or that she deserves that. I did not want to think like that. I selfishly wanted to think Pyali is my girl. She is just mine... I wanted to think that we are destined to be together, and she was sent to this world for me, just for me... She was mine.

She rested her head on my shoulder and held my hand. Her fingers were threaded between my fingers.

"And so...dad left mom and me." I was telling her. "He did not want to take responsibility of me."

"Just like that? He left?" She asked.

"They fought a lot. And in the end, he said a blind son was not part of his life plan. He said he do not want a life like that. So mom and he got a divorce and he left..."

"Where is he now?"

"He remarried and has got his own family. I don't care though. I don't even remember him that well. So... And all I need is my Mom, so. That's fine that he is not there."

It felt easy to tell her all this.

"Still it must have been tough for your mom." She said.

"Yeah. I always feel bad for mom. That is why I needed to be more okay for, Mom. I need to get a grip of myself and be capable of handling myself. So she can stop caring for me. I want her to lead a normal life, not the life of the mom of a blind kid. So..."

"So you became sun for everyone." She whispered.

"What?" I asked her.

"I have always felt that you are like a sun. Shines brightly," she said.

I chuckled. "My mom had told me - be the sun so that people do not see your darkness. But you are the first person who said that I am like the sun." He smiled.

"I just said what I felt." She said, linking her hand to mine.

"If it's like that...then stop worrying for me." I still hate it when she assumes I can't get home safely from a non-familiar place. "And...I am pretty much capable to take care of you as well." I wanted to make myself believe in that as well. That I can take care of her the same as any other guy out there.

She was silent.

"Silent again," I complained.

"Oh. Sorry... I 'had' smiled." She sounded guilty. "I should keep in my mind that you cant see if I smile, and react with a sound. I am sorry, Aditya... I..."

Just then, I wanted to see her smile so badly. How does she look? Though I have somewhat idea by touching her face... She had long slim eyebrows. Her eyelashes were long. She had a small forehead. Her nose was straight. Her lips were slightly curved inwards. But I wanted to see her smile...

"Aditya..." She called me.

I touched her face. She let me touch her... But the problem is that, whenever I touch her face, her heart beats fast and I can feel it, then I can't control my urges to kiss her... So we ended up kissing again...

When we stopped kissing. She felt shy... No, I could not see that she was shy. But I could feel it. From her breathing pattern, and her posture, and her heartbeats.

When she is being like that, it made me want to touch her and kiss her more.

I knocked on mom's room's door. And then walked in. I felt her sitting on her bed. She might be reading a book or something. I climbed onto the bed and lay down on her lap. And indeed I felt the book in her hands.

"Now what is this about?" She asked, running her hand through my hair.

"Hm... I have got news for you." I said.

"Good news or bad news?" Mom asked.

"Hm... We could call it good news." I told her.

"Then tell me." She said.

"Hm... I have got a girlfriend." I said to her.

She pushed and made me sit up, and she looked at me. I could feel her looking at me. "What did you say?" She asked as if she could not believe that.

"Hm... I have got a girlfriend." I said. "And I like her a lot mom... Well, you have met her. It's Piyali... The one in my Weekend classes. She came here with her dad the other day to drop me home."

"Oh... She is sort of pretty and such a sweet girl."

"I know..." I rubbed my hair.

"And she liked you as well?"

"Hm..." I nodded. "She likes me... Genuinely like me. Not like the girl who just likes me because I am cool. She actually genuinely likes me."

Mom did not say anything...

"Mom..." I called her... "Ma, are you there?"

Mom hugged me suddenly... I was startled a bit.

"What happened?" I asked.

"Nothing..." Mom said. I felt that she was crying. "Mom, what happened?" I asked her.

"I feel happy. That's why." She said. But she is not the type who gets teary easily. My mom has seen so many things in her life that now most things could not make her cry.

"I was always worried that you will never get a normal life with a girl and..." She stopped talking, "I am sorry, I should not have worried like that Adi. My son deserves a normal life like anyone..."

Eh..why is even mom talking about that?

"So the point is that I am happy for you... Really happy." She grabbed my hand. I could feel her happiness now. And she seemed really really happy. Happier than me.

"Bring her home some time." Mom said. "I would love to meet her again. Properly this time."

"Okay." I grinned.

"Now tell me more about her...what is she like? And who confessed first? How dit happened?"

Ok...now I will have to tell mom that I kissed Piyali...And how will someone tell their mom about that? Even if we are super close as mom and son.

"You do have to bring her home soon, okay?" she again said.

"Okay, Mom," I said.

"Now let's hear about it... Tell me..."

So I began to tell her about Piyali, leaving out the kissing pasts. And when I felt mom's happiness, I felt glad that I did choose to be with Piyali. Because, if I had rejected Piyali, just thinking that I am not good enough for her, the person who would have hurt the most would be my mom. My mom wants to see me living a normal life... If I reject that, mom will be hurt. And hence, I liked that mom is jumping with happiness when I told her a girl genuinely likes me.

It was Gyan's birthday party one day, and I was with the other people at the party. Piyali was with Esha and other girls at the other end of the room. I could hear the sound of her laughing... I wanted to see her laugh. I kept my eyes in the direction her laugher was coming from. Desperately wishing to see that laughing face...

"Rohan...." I called Rohan, who was beside me.

"Hmm?" He asked.

"Piyali...how does she look when she smiles?" I asked.

"What do you mean?"

"Can you describe her so that I can remember?"

"Well, she looks pretty when she smiles. I mean she looks pretty even when she is not smiling. But she looks even prettier when she smiles. What should I say... She looks sort of innocent type usually. When she smiles, it sort of looks more angelic or kind of pretty, it seems." He said.

I punched him lightly.

"Ouch...what was that for?"

"Don't talk about someone else's girlfriend like that," I told him. I was just then jealous of him because he can see her.

"Hey, you asked me to describe it." He complained.

"You have Esha, so just concentrate on her."

"I am not interested in Piyali anyway. She is too soft for me. And as for Esha, we broke up."

I jumped up and turned to him at once. I felt a bit guilty. Maybe I was too preoccupied with my life to pay attention to my best friend's life.

"What? When?" I asked.

"Just...been a month," he said.

"Why didn't you tell me?" I asked, seriously.

"I thought we will get back together soon enough. But...." He sounded sad.

"What went wrong?" I asked.

"It's nothing..."

"You are hiding something," I said. "Tell me what is wrong."

"Just forget it, Adi. There is no use talking about that."

"Esha..." I called in loud voice across the room. "Why did you break up with Rohan?"

Rohan jumped up and held his hand over my mouth at once, "Oye, stop..." He pulled me by my neck and led me outside of Gyan's house. "Don't jump in between our problem," Rohan yelled at me when we were outside. "Stay out of it. I can handle it."

"You can handle it. Seriously? Then why didn't you get back with her in this one month?"

"It's just...."

"Who needs to apologize to whom here?" He asked. "She or you?"

"She..." He said. "But she won't."

"Then just forgive her already and get back together."

"No. I...she is being too..."

"Too what?"

"Cruel. Materialistic. And... Selfish."

"This is you who used to be head over heels for her."

"Well, I used to be. Not anymore. After two years of being together, the sparks and things cool down and then we will find faults in each other. Maybe after two years you and Piyali also..." He fell silent. I felt like someone threw a stone at me... But I immediately avoided the topic. I do not want to think about the reality now.

"I will sort it out myself, Adi," Rohan said.

"Hm...okay. If you insist." I said. "But you are okay, right? You seem down."

"I am fine. I mean, at least I am bearing with it."

I felt sorry for him. He really liked Esha and it must feel terrible to break up with her.

"Do you know why Esha and Rohan Broke up?" I asked Piyali when we were going back from the party. We were in an auto-rikshaw. Piyali did not reply to this question.

"What happened?" I asked her.

"Hm... I do know. But..."

"But what?"

"Hm...." She did not say anything.

"You do not want to tell me?" I asked her. It felt wired. She was not the type to lie to me.

"I don't want to lie to you. So don't ask me." She said.

"What's with that? Rohan also told me to stay out of it. What is the matter that I have to stay away? I hate it when I am kept out of things. They are my friends and... I have the right to know. If you know about it, then it is definitely not just a thing between them. And I have every right to know about it as well."

"It's about you and..."

"Then I have even more right to know about it."

"You might get hurt."

"I am not a baby, Piyali. Just tell me already. And I can deal with pain. I was not exactly born and lived in a bed of roses you see..."

Okay, now I am being angry with her for the first time in my life... That too when the auto driver can hear me. I hated that...but...I kind of got a feeling what the problem might be. And I wanted to confirm that.

"Esha does not like me being with you." Piyali finally said. "She tried to talk to me as well...that I...that I should not be with you because you are...."

"Blind," I concluded for her. "That coz you could get a normal guy and live a normal life."

"I don't want to. I like you," Piyali sounded desperate.

"Esha is right," I said.

"No. She is not." Piyali clutched my hand. "You should not say that."

I sighed. She is right... I always know that I am pulling Piyali into my darkness. And I am being selfish...

We stayed silent after that. When the auto-rickshaw stopped in front of Piyali's home, she stepped out. I stepped out to say goodbye to her.

"Please don't mind Esha. I don't care what she says... I like you." She told me.

I put my hand on her cheek. She seemed worried that I might leave her. But I knew that I am doing wrong. But I still could not stop myself from it. And I hated myself for it. Yet loved her a lot to let go of her...

"Aditya..." She called. "Don't listen to people who say stuff like that."

I nodded. Then I gave her my best smile. That seemed to satisfy her. "Will call you at night. Good night." I said. She smiled. And then I got back into the auto-rickshaw and it drove away.