Aditya

I stiffened when she sat with her head resting on my shoulder. Her touch made me go through hell lately. I can't forget what happened... It simply did not go from my mind. And I felt worthless... Incompetent.

"How is your mom?" She asked me.

"Fine," I told her. If it was like before, I would have told her how mom had bought me a lot of stuff from the business trip and told her everything. But I simply could not talk up.

I took her hand in mine... I wanted to hold on to the thought that I was with her. Then I felt that the fabric of her top felt a bit different. I took her kurta in my hand a felt it...

"Is it a new one?" I asked her.

"What?" She asked as if she had not expected that question and hence did not understand it. Well, I did ask the question out of blue. "Oh...yeah. New one."

"Why didn't you tell me you were wearing something new?" I asked her.

"Eh...It just slipped my mind."

"Slipped your mind? I can't even know if you wear something new. Then, if I don't know, you should tell me, na? You used to tell me."

"Well, I was thinking about a lot of things today. Hence...it slipped my mind to tell you that I was wearing something new. What is the big deal in that?"

It is a big deal. For me...

I can't see it... I don't know which kurta suits her best. I don't know what colour looks good on her. I don't know even when she wears something new... Everyone else can see that.

"Adi..." She called. "Please....don't think useless stuff."

I am becoming too wired lately. I feel like she will disappear...

We sat there in silence for some minutes. It was not the nice kind of silence that we had before. I used to like those nice kinds of silences. That was the only time I used to like silences. When we would sit, with her head on my shoulders, just listening to the sound of birds and wind, no one talking anything... That was good.

This silence was eerie. It was eerier than anything I have experienced. My eyes hurt as I put more pressure on them trying in vain to make them able to see the world.

"Let's just go home..." She said then.

Why? She wanted to spend time with me...

Ah... I messed up. I brought up the topic of the dress uselessly. She got up. I wanted to say sorry and ask her to stay a bit longer. Because I did not want to part from her either... But I did not. Something held me back.

I got home that night. Mom was making dinner when I got home... But I did not feel like eating. I went to my room and lay down on the bed even without changing clothes.

The bed... It reminded me of that evening.

I can still remember the feel of her skin... The way it felt under my hand. The way I could feel her irregular breath and crazy loud heartbeats. I could remember the curves and shape of each of her body parts... My mind cannot stop thinking about how she quivered when my lips touched her...

I placed my hand over my eyes... Although that does not make any change. Idiot... Useless... Totally useless...

I needed her like oxygen. I could not stop wanting to touch her like that again... But, at the same time... I know what the means... What happened, would not change. I Will have to repeat that again... She would have to help-

I made her... I made her...

Anger and self-hatred ran through me.

Useless... TOTAL USELESS GUY... You just deserve to die or something. You made that innocent and sweet girl go that far. If it was some other guy...if it was a normal guy who can see her... He would have taken care of her. He would have protected her innocent feelings...

What was her feeling just then? When she...she had to...

But before that...in the first place, she had to remove her clothes because I was breaking down in front of her like a child... She, she had to step up and take a step.

What sort of a boyfriend are you, Aditya? You are just...so useless.

If she even gets lost in a crowd, what will you be able to do other than run around like a mad man? What will you be able to help her or protect her... For forever in your life, she would have to run around you and help you... Just like mom.

I don't deserve Piyali. I am not right for her... I will just make her life difficult. The life she could have with a normal guy would be easier for her. I... I should have known from the start itself. I should not have let my greed for her go this far. I should have zipped these feelings for her at the start itself. Should not have taken my steps towards her...

I...

I...

I... I don't want to lose her. I don't deserve her. But the idea of being away from her makes me feel like I am dying.

"Adi..." Mom knocked on my door. "Come and have dinner..."

If I try to reply to her, I will break out and cry...

"Adi..." She called again...

If I even make a sound, I will cry. I held in my breath...

"Aditya..." Mom came forward and sat on my bed. "Are you okay?" She tried to take my hand off my eyes. "What is wrong? Adi...?"

I want to see... I want to see this world. I want to see her... I just want my eyes back.

"Adi..." Mom was panicking now.

"Unfair..." I mumbled.

"What?" Mom asked.

"It's unfair," I yelled at her. "Why is it me? Why do I have to suffer all this? Why?" I shrieked.

I was 6 years old. And everything hurt. The last thing I remember was an approaching truck. Now everything just hurt. My head hurt too much. I thought I was dying. But what was worst was the darkness. There was darkness everywhere... First I thought, someone just forgot to turn to lights on. So I asked mom to turn the lights on. I could only hear her sobs. She was sobbing really hard. I have never heard my mom crying... But it was still dark. So I again asked mom to turn on the lights. She did not. I asked her again, thinking she might be just trying to scare me. I kept saying again and again... It was my dad that told me, "Lights are on already. So shut up." He sounded angry. And irritated.

"Why does this have to happen to me?" He asked mom as if he is the one having the worst time among us three. 

I could not understand.

They told me that I can never see the light again. I did not want to believe them. I thought if I tried hard enough, I will be able to see. So I tried to see... I put all my effort into it. I put all my pressure on my eyes. But nothing changed... Darkness remained. I was scared of it. So I screamed... I screamed at the top of my voice. My mom would hug me and cry. She tried to make me stop screaming. But I would still scream.

After a while, I stopped screaming... I felt everything is useless. Then I could hear dad and mom fighting. Constantly... I could hear it. I would wish if God takes away my hearing power also. And then dad left us...

"Will he come back ever?" I asked holding mom's hand.

"No, Adi. I don't think so," Mom told me.

"Did he leave because of Adi?" I asked mom.

She immediately sat down beside me. "No. Don't you ever think so."

"But he did leave because Adi can't see him anymore, right?" I asked her. "He left because he hates Adi, right?"

Mom hugged me...

"Mom...." I called her, "I am scared of this darkness...."

"Don't be scared..." Mom said, holding my hand firmly.

"Others also treat me differently because of that."

"Be a sun." She said.

"What?" I asked.

"Be the sun... So as others cannot see your darkness. Be the sun, so as you do not be afraid of the darkness."

I was screaming again.

"Adi..." Mom shook me and slapped me...Trying to make me stop. And then hugged me tightly. I stopped screaming after a while... I was panting now.

"Mom, I feel like I cannot be a sun anymore," I told her.