Chapter 20 

Stefan stood there in the poorly lit street, rubbing the tense spot between his eyes with one hand. 

What had he done? He hadn't intended to kiss Nick. The kiss had started purely as a means of giving the finger to Viktor. He had never kissed a man before in his life, had never wanted to, tonight was the first time and ... he hadn't wanted to stop. He wanted to keep kissing Nick, he wanted to slide his hands inside his shirt, feel that smooth skin, that heat. He wanted to see if he could recapture that completely unexpected rush of lust when Nick's tongue stroked his. He wanted to take him somewhere private where they could be alone, where he could start the whole kiss again, enjoy every new sensation as he explored it. Take things even further. 

Nick had said he wasn't his type. If he'd thought about his reaction at all, which he hadn't, he would have expected him to be pissed off. Instead, he realised he had hurt him, badly. He would be lucky if Nick ever spoke to him again. 

And Nick wasn't the only man he had hurt tonight. He needed to go after Viktor, (though he wasn't at all certain if he could ever call him 'Dad' again), and have a serious talk, man to man, no lies, no games. See if they could salvage anything from their broken relationship. Despite what he'd learnt today, he couldn't throw away twenty four years of the only family he could remember, just like that. 

He had to apologise to them both but he was pretty sure that neither man wanted to see him again tonight. 

XXX 

It must be well after midnight. Stefan slumped to the floor, exhausted and feeling very sorry for himself. He didn't think he had the energy to get up and go anywhere else. He didn't know why he'd come here, he should have known the man on the other side of the door would refuse to see him.  

He put his head in his hands, for the first time in years he felt like crying. God he was pathetic. A grown man sitting in the corridor, wiping his eyes. He had to pull himself together, get a grip, man up and all those other bracing clichés. He- 

The quiet swish of the door opening beside him broke into his incoherent thoughts. A voice said rather crossly, "What on Earth are you doing down there? Do you know what time it is?" 

Stefan looked blearily at his wristcom. Damn thing was all blurry. 

"You're drunk!" the voice continued with resignation. There was a sigh. "I suppose you'll have to come in then. You can't stay there all night." 

A strong arm slid under his shoulders and helped him stand with surprising gentleness. "You can sleep on the couch. Come on." 

Stefan took advantage of their closeness to attempt a clumsy kiss.  

"Oh god, you are in a muddle aren't you?" the other man fended him off, more gently that he deserved. "You've had enough shocks today to last a lifetime. The last thing you need is something else to regret in the morning." 

He guided him to the couch. "Do you need the bathroom first?"  

Stefan nodded then put a hand to his spinning head. Big mistake. He stumbled into the bathroom and threw up. God when was the last time he had done that to himself, got so drunk he got sick? He couldn't remember, he was usually so careful to stay in control. He managed to wash his face and felt marginally better. By the time he came out, his impromptu host was standing there with a large glass of water and a pain killer. 

"Here you go, just take this while I set the couch up for you." He disappeared into the bedroom and came out with a pillow and a blanket, then helped Stefan take his shoes off. "That'll do. I think it's best if you keep your uniform on, considering! You can pop it in the refresher tomorrow." 

Stefan lay down and was asleep before the other man had left the room. 

XXX 

He woke up feeling rather groggy. Why was he still dressed in his uniform? His mouth felt like someone had held a party in it a week ago, and this was definitely not his own bed. He blinked for a moment wondering where on Earth he was. Unfortunately the memories came flooding back all too clearly. He groaned, at that moment he would have traded a year off his life for blessed amnesia. 

"Just kill me now." He murmured to himself but no friendly wormhole opened up and swallowed him. He pushed the blanket off and swung his feet over the edge of the couch. For a second he wondered if he could sneak out unnoticed, god he was a coward! 

Before he could stand up, Liam Connell came out of his bedroom, freshly showered and neatly dressed. "How are you? Or is that a silly question?" he smiled wryly. "Coffee?" 

Stefan nodded, he couldn't make himself speak. He felt grubby, sick and miserably embarrassed. Not only had he turned up drunk on his doorstep, but ... oh god had he really tried to kiss Liam last night? He was astonished Liam hadn't thrown him back out into the corridor immediately. 

"I'm sorry," he ventured. "Last night, I was drunk ... I didn't mean to disrespect you sir," he looked at Liam his face flushed. What possible excuse could he offer? He waited miserably for the scathing reprimand. 

Liam gave him a small smile instead, "Don't worry about it. I didn't take offence, I know you were a bit of a mess last night. In fact I was glad you felt able to trust me enough to come to me for help." 

He handed him a coffee. "So much happened yesterday I suspect you didn't know whether you were on your head or your heels. Getting drunk probably seemed a great idea at the time, it always does until the morning after!" He grinned and sat down opposite him. "Drink that, then put your uniform in the fresher while you have a shower and I guarantee you'll feel like a new man." 

Oh god, he didn't deserve this, Liam was being so kind to him, he probably hadn't spoken to Nick yet. Stefan managed to drink his coffee, feeling even worse if that were possible. Well of course he hadn't spoken to Nick yet, otherwise he wouldn't have let him in last night. 

What would he think when he found out what he'd done? That he was some sort of weird pervert? First he'd kiss Nick and then, when that hadn't worked out, he'd try his luck with his father? He felt sick inside but he knew he couldn't run from this, he had to tell Liam what he'd done, even if it meant he washed his hands of him. He felt a flash of surprise at how much that thought hurt. He had known Liam less than twenty four hours and already he half loved him. Not sexually he told himself, that had been a stupid, stupid mistake last night, but as someone he admired, who seemed to care about him without judging, who had respected him enough to tell him the truth.  

He couldn't put it off any longer, Stefan gathered his courage together and cleared his throat. "I need to tell you something sir. Have you spoken to Nick this morning?" 

Liam was watching him with steady eyes. "He called me last night, to say he was going straight home. I know he was a bit upset with you, but he wouldn't tell me why." 

"I've always thought I was straight, I've never allowed myself to consider anything else but ... I kissed him!" Stefan blurted out. "I saw Viktor following us and I wanted to ... honestly, I just wanted to hit back at him in the way I thought it would hurt him most, after all his carry on about oms, so I kissed Nick in front of him." 

"Ah," said Liam mildly, even though his heart was aching for his son. 

"I really hurt him, Nick I mean. I didn't intend to, I just didn't think. I thought he'd be annoyed with me, but I didn't think he'd be hurt. I hurt Viktor too, but ... Anyway I couldn't face apologising to either of them so I went and got drunk." Stefan stared at him, misery in his eyes, waiting for the axe to fall. 

"Well I won't pretend it was your finest hour, but I don't think you need to beat yourself up over it too much. You were confused and hurting and you made some mistakes, lost your famous self control for once. Apologise to Nick when you've both calmed down, he knows what a difficult day it was for you yesterday, you might find he'll give you some leeway. As for Viktor, I can't advise you there except to say you need to talk, preferably when you're both calmer and ready to listen to each other." 

Stefan stared in disbelief, on the verge of hero worship. Liam wasn't shocked, he wasn't horrified. Instead he had spoken sympathetically to him, as if his actions of last night had not been utterly disgraceful, as if what he'd done might possibly be forgiven. 

"You don't hate me for what I did? You don't think I'm disgusting?" 

Liam stopped smiling.  

"Oh Stefan, of course I don't think you're disgusting! You'd just found out something you believed your whole life, wasn't true. No wonder you feel like you've been pulled backwards through a wormhole! It's going to take time for you to sort yourself out, come to terms with what you've learned and who you are. Take all the time you need, don't let anyone, including Nick, push you into anything you're not ready for."  

He stood up. He wanted to give the younger man a hug but thought that might be too familiar. "I was your father's friend and I'll be yours if you let me. There's just one thing I'll ask of you, as a father myself, please don't kiss Nick again, unless you're sure you mean it. Now, how about I get some more coffee while you have your shower?"