Writer: @Mystical_V
How many chapters were there?: 15

Welcome to a review for A Neoteric Fairytale. My name is Sunflower and I will be your host for today. Settle down with a comfy drink, sit back, and let the words flood in. It's going to be a long journey.

Cover + Summary
We all know that everyone judges a book by its cover, so I've decided that I might as well add this segment to the review.

I usually write the cover + summary portion of a review before I dive into a story, so here's my first impression of it before reading all the chapters:

Your cover looks decent, though the font seems a little too big for Wattpad cover proportions. It's not too bad, but it doesn't look too eye-catching either.

As for your summary, it seems pretty nice so far. I liked that there might be a twist with the father figure in a modern Cinderella tale. Interesting.

Grammar + Writing Style
Before getting into the depths of this story, let's talk about how it's presented on the outside.

In your author's note, before starting the story, you mentioned how you were new to writing and that this was your first Wattpad project. So, taking that into consideration, it's completely understandable that you still be a little bit new with writing. We will always make amateur mistakes from the get go, that's okay. I just want to suggest some things that you can easily fix with some edits grammar wise in your story, if that's okay with you.

1. Dialogue

The way that you structure how the characters interact with each other is a bit off. A lot of writers on here make the same mistake, so you're never alone in this department. I once did these things too a long time ago.

I have to say, the dialogue tags are arranged incorrectly in the story. If you open a published work or browse through an e-book, you'll notice that the way the dialogue tags are formatted is different compared to what you have. It's important to at least try to follow some to most of the rules in grammar while weaving together chapters for your story because it'll help shape you into a better writer later on in life, and I think that improvement is pretty important.

By the way, if you don't know what dialogue tags, they're the words in a line that a character would say highlighted in bold:

"Couldn't have said it better," Sheila says.

The stuff in bold is a dialogue tag. Think of it as the speaking verb that's after a personal pronoun (I/she/he/you/they) or your character's name.

But anyway, yeah, you've been writing them wrong and that's okay, that's a common mistake a lot of writers have done at first. Even I've made these mistakes when starting for. So here's how to correct this:

1. Never add a period before your dialogue tag.

Here's an incorrect example of what I'm talking about:

"Hello there." Jess greets.

Here's the correct example:

"Hello there," Jess greets.

2. Never capitalize the personal pronoun in your dialogue tag. I think this one is self-explanatory, but here are some right and wrong examples anyway.

Incorrect example:

"Yikes," She whispered.

Correct example:

"Yikes," she whispered.

3. Never capitalize the personal pronoun in your dialogue tag AND add a period before it.

Incorrect example:

"Bye Sarah." He hisses longingly.

Correct example:

"Bye Sarah," he hisses longingly.

4. You don't need the comma if there's a question mark or exclamation mark in place instead.

Incorrect example:

"Hey!," Greg barked. "Get back here!,"

Correct example:

"Hey!" Greg barked. "Get back here!"

And that concludes the lesson of the day about dialogue tags. Hopefully that helped enlighten you on this subject and if you have anymore questions, feel free to comment them.

A lot of readers on here are mostly teenagers or tweens who usually don't care much for grammar when it comes to reading a story. So, you may be asking yourself: well, if most of my audience doesn't care, why should I?

Like I mentioned earlier, it's good to always try to polish your writing so that you can progress toward a path of fulfillment and success in writing later on. I know from personal experience, it really is worth it.

Another suggestion that I will give you regarding your grammar is: comma splices and unnecessary capitalization.

You're missing comma splices in certain parts of your story. Usually you would link two loosely related things or a line of dialogue followed by an action with a comma.

Here's an incorrect example of not using a comma during a line of dialogue followed by an action:

"I cannot let you win," I declare my face so flaming red that someone's probably called the fire department over here already.

There should be a comma after the dialogue tag 'I hiss'. So the correct example should look like this:

"I cannot let you win," I declare, my face so flaming red that someone's probably called the fire department over here already.

As for the unnecessary capitalization, you have a lot of it in this story. You capitalize a lot of words that aren't big titles such as: jail, top floor, ma'm, sir, good morning.

You don't need to capitalize any of those words because they're not big titles or names, and doing so only makes comprehending whatever's going on in the story even more confusing.

It's not like I'm trying to be your editor here, but I will point out one last thing: the capitalization of mother and father.

Right from the beginning, I noticed that the words mother and father aren't capitalized whenever Ella is referring to them when they should be, which is ironic and weird since you've capitalized words that didn't need to be capitalized while these words that do need to be aren't. If Ella is referring to them like she's referring to a character's name, then they should be. The only exception to this rule is if a personal pronoun (my/your/his/her/their) is in front of those words. I'll give you two correct examples of what I'm talking about it.

First correct example:

"Hey Dad," Jeremy's voice echoes, coming from the kitchen.

Second correct example:

"My mother is so uptight," Cassidy whines, followed by an exasperated roll of her eyes.

There's a lot more that I can discuss, but I'd be digressing from this review for too long if I did that.

Grammar aside, your writing style overall could also use a bit of polishing as well. It's not horrible, but I do have some suggestions.

For starters, I want to touch on present and past tense. You should only stick to one or the other in a story, you can't have both, but here I've noticed that you tend to switch between the two. Maybe you don't mean to do this, but here's an incorrect example of what I'm talking about:

As chill as Sheila is, sometimes she raged like a storm.

That's incorrect and shows us a mixture of both past and present tense. Only stick to one or the other. So, if you want to stick to past tense only, the correct example here should look like:

As chill as Sheila was, sometimes she raged like a storm.

Another point I want to mention is that I feel like your writing style should be more detailed. It's decent so far and very straight to the point, but like your cover, it's not too eye-catching. It doesn't have to be super detailed, then that would be a problem, but it can do more showing rather than telling. The way you word how events play out is quite rushed, jarring, and glosses over them like they only briefly happened, which makes the pacing seem pretty inconsistent.

Some advice I would give you is to try writing out your character's five senses in some areas of your story. It doesn't always have to show up all at the same time, but most times it should play a vital role in your writing style. For example:

1. What do they feel physically? Not just emotionally, but physically as well. Is their bed hard and lumpy for their back when they doze off? How badly did they burn their hand when they accidentally touched a frying pan while cooking breakfast?

2. What do they smell if they're in a different place? Is the restaurant that they're in clouded with the tasty aroma of Italian food? A variety of pastas and soups? Or is the alley way that they're in smell distinctly of trash and something sour?

3. How does it taste? What does their food taste like, if they're eating? Is it sour and nauseating because they're forced to eat tomato soup, their least favorite dish? How does that tequila shot they just downed burn their throat? What flavor is the gum that they're chewing?

4. What do they hear? Do the speakers in the concert they're in roar around them and split their eardrums? Are the keys of the piano that they're playing shrill and high-pitched?

5. What do they see? Do they see their best friend suffering a heartbreak, see her shoulders slumped and her makeup smeared with runny mascara while you comfort her with ice cream and tissues? Do they see their overworked father come home late, with bags underneath his eyes and a coffee stain on his rumpled dress shirt? Do they suspect that their boyfriend is cheating on them when they see what seems like either a mosquito bite or a hickey peeking out from his shirt collar?

Whew, but anyway, I hope all of this can help you in the future. You're always welcome to read and reread everything I've just pointed out for future references. If you have anymore questions regarding grammar and your writing style, let me know with a comment here.

First Impression
The very first sneak peek into this story was intriguing and I liked how Ella managed to escape her toxic household.

I found that the first chapter that introduces Rhea having a shots competition with a guy and just her and Ella getting wasted was somewhat okay. However, a question surfaced in my mind after reading.

1. Why did Ella run off like that near the end?

I can understand if she's drunk and maybe wants to do something reckless because that's what drunk people do, so maybe that might be the reason? But other than that, I don't see why she would — or, more specifically, could — do something like that. You see, when you're drunk, your movements can be sluggish as hell. You can't and won't be able to run well unless you want to purposely make yourself throw up. Plus, your vision can get all wonky when you're drunk, hindering you from walking properly in the first place. Her running is odd, considering how she's drunk and not supposed to be physically capable of going that. Sure she may probably want to run just because she wants to do something reckless, but it's unrealistic for her to run fine without stumbling or wobbling or tripping after the first few steps.

Well, I guess she did bump into that 'wall', but I'm surprised she managed to get that far in her drunken state.

The 'wall' thing has been done in plenty of romance stories, but I'll let it slide because sometimes we need a cliche every now and then. Not all cliches are bad, as long as the story has some originality, and you did say that this story was cliche from the start.

Another question I had was:

2. How did Rhea manage to damage the other guy's car?

And by the other guy, I mean James.

There's absolutely nothing, not even in the second chapter that features Aiden's first point of view, that indicates what she actually did. This is exactly what I mean when I say that you gloss over events too quickly to the point where it's too jarring to understand. In the first chapter, it's not even mentioned at all through Ella's drunken point of view what actually happened.

To be fair, it makes a bit of sense for why Ella doesn't know what going on, she's intoxicated. She's not going to think clearly, with her mind clouded by alcohol.

However, surely Aiden, who's completely sober and coming to pick up James, has to.

I actually had to reread the first and second chapters a couple times just to make sense of what's happening. It was absolutely puzzling to not even know the specifics of the accident since that was never at all described. For example, how did the accident occur in the first place and what did it look like? I actually still don't have answers for that.

Characters
Before I begin talking about the characters, I want to explain why I think the first person POV switches in the middle of your chapters can be super perplexing and not at all what you should embed in your writing.

If you don't already know, first person point of view is when the narrator of the story uses 'I' and 'me'. Meanwhile, third person point of view would use 'she' and 'he' and 'they'.

A rule that's always emphasized in writing is that you should rarely ever consider using the first person point of view with more than one character.

Because then it gets super confusing.

Even with the character's name written on the top, it can still be very confusing. An example of what I mean by a character's name written on the top to indicate point of view is:

Ella's POV

That line in bold is what I'm talking about.

Linking back to what I was discussing earlier, I feel like the story could've been captured at a better angle if it featured Ella's first POV only or a third POV perspective that would jump from her head to Aiden's head when necessary. Third POV is always so much better at switching from one character's head into another's. 

You never want to add a first person POV change in the middle of a chapter in a story and that's what you did in chapter two. If you still plan on utilizing first person POV with more than one character, if you decide that that kind of technique can still work in your story (as it can in some published works like Divergent), then you should at least split chapters with every point of view switch you make.

For example, if you want to switch from Ella's POV to Aiden's POV, then have Aiden's POV be set in a new chapter rather than in the middle of the current chapter. That'll make the story flow more smoothly and not be as difficult to read. And if it doesn't make the story flow more smoothly, then you should really reconsider writing through Ella's first POV only or start using third POV. 

On another note: some writers who use first person POV that switches in between characters also title their chapters the character's name so that it's easier to distinguish which character is narrating the story this time.

Like for example:

Chapter 1: Ella

Chapter 2: Aiden

Chapter 3: Ella

And so on and so forth.

Now, with that being said, let's focus more on the main character herself: Ella.

Ella's narration and first POV tends to to ramble a lot in the story when it comes to feelings and emotions. Yes, sometimes your character must reflect on their feelings and emotions, but there's a limit with how much she can talk to herself without straying away from the story too much. With the way that she thinks, the limit tends to be crossed sometimes.

The thoughts that build up within Ella's head really stretch out to the point where it kind of doesn't feel like she's an actual person and it's more like she's just a device being used to describe what the reader is supposed to feel.

I can't really get a firm grasp on her character. I think that she's supposed to be a strong, kinda sassy, and independent woman, but in chapter five she claims that she's socially awkward when there has been no indication of her being like so in previous chapters whatsoever, which makes me wonder who she really is and if her character has really been fleshed out to project a human being or if it's just there to fill in the role of the main character. If she were socially awkward, then she should've fumbled with an apology in chapter three after checking out the guy she almost hit. If she were socially awkward, then maybe she should stutter a bit here during her speech, say the wrong thing there, or struggle to say anything at all in most of her interactions with people. Not just toward the love interest, but everyone.

From the beginning to chapter five, her character seemed outgoing and free-willed. But once her attraction for Aiden settles in, that's suddenly out the window and all of a sudden it feels like she's a bashful high schooler rather than an employee for a company. That's completely understandable to a degree, attraction can do that to people, but the change seemed a little too drastic and forced. We know they're going to end up together. Maybe tone her attraction down a tad and try to have it come off as more natural and subtle.

My main problem right now with Ella is: I still know almost nothing about her past. I should've at least seen some glimpses of it or a subtle explanation when I'm this far in the story, but I haven't, which is strange to say the least. There's no chapter showcasing her experiencing a panic attack upon seeing something that reminded her of her past, not even in the chapter where she almost gets raped. There's none of that, no lingering and life-long consequences of trauma or anything like such, which makes her character fall a little flat.

We can't all come out from trauma completely unharmed.

Plot
As for the plot, here are some of the things I think you should look over.

- Even if she is nervous and new to her job, I think Ella should still at least try to put up a professional front. In the office/company workplace, that's just what you have to do. Some of the words that come out of her mouth and the thoughts that she has make her seem more like a teenager than a grown woman working for a business.

- Where the hell did Aiden's first POV go? It only showed up in chapter two and then it ghosted during 99% of the story. I feel like the only reason for why you used his first POV was to establish his recognition of Rhea and his introduction to Ella and that's it. Not a good way use first POV.

- In chapter six, Ella makes a big deal about Aiden's eyes being a mesmerizing shade of forest green, but then in chapter eight she says that they're blue. That's probably a typo, but that's something to point out when it comes to plot inconsistency. Once your characters are fleshed out enough, you usually never want to forget anything about them.

- At the end of chapter eight, the scene where the guy tried to assault her was extremely out of nowhere and could've been built up more. It felt anticlimactic to read because of how easily Ella got out of that situation. Also, what exactly were the two lights that blinded her and what hit her on the head to the point of being unconscious? Again, events like these get brushed over too quickly.

- The beginning of chapter nine seemed too abrupt, with the sudden introduction of Aiden's family and the lack of explanation for what actually happened in chapter eight.

- In chapter nine, Aiden wasn't even there to talk to Ella after saving her from being assaulted? She only met his mother and cousin. Where the hell was he? That's rude to not talk to her and ask if she's okay after that. Going through something like that is traumatizing.

- I feel like I should've seen more from Rhea's reaction to what happened to Ella in chapters 9-10, but I don't get anything else but a priceless look from Rhea's end. Shouldn't she have asked questions?

- The more I read, the more obvious it is that Ella definitely acts more like a teenager than the grown woman she's supposed to be. That's not very consistent with what her character or the setting she's in whatsoever. This can also apply to other characters like Rhea and Jess as well.

- Aiden's hostility and strictness toward Ella after saving her is odd. Why be so uptight when she just went through something traumatizing? Even if she did delete the emails, she's also still trying to recover from a horrible situation you are completely aware of. 

- Chapter eleven was really confusing. Did Ella get scolded or lectured for deleting the emails? She's told that she's in trouble, yet there are no consequences?

- I still have absolutely no idea who Aiden is and I should by now. The lack of real and raw interactions between him and Ella really says a lot and doesn't at all develop the chemistry they're supposed to have. They've only spoken to each other about work-related matters so far. Again, he didn't even talk to her after saving her from almost being raped. All we know about Aiden is that he's a billionaire and that he's head of a successful company, but that's it. Speaking of which, I don't even know what Aiden is famous for. What's the company about? What is it known for? That's a huge problem if I've read fifteen chapters of this story and I'm still clueless about that.

- I'm still given no reason whatsoever for why Rhea ditched her family. Also, if she still cares for her family, then why doesn't she come back to them? Unless the unknown reason for why she ditched them is linked to that question.

- I . . . don't even know what Rhea does for her work after all this time until she mentioned that she was going to be at Paris for a couple of months. What does she work as? The characters definitely need more depth to them.

- In chapter thirteen, what's going to happen to Rhea once Ella is forced to move out? How will they contact each other about this? And why is Ella just accepting the fact that she's ditching her best friend for the same family Rhea cut ties with?

- In chapter fourteen, when Aileen (I'm assuming that's who it is) joins them at their table in the restaurant Ella and Jess are in, why is her hair described as purple when it was described as black in chapter seven? Her appearance has never been mentioned much, but that seems like another plot inconsistency.

Things I Liked
Every story has at least one positive. So, in this segment, I'll be listing out the things I did like about A Neoteric Fairytale.

1. I liked that humorous reveal at the end of chapter four. Ha ha, Ella has to work for the guy she almost hit her car with.

2. I liked that you brought up the consequences of her deleting the emails from chapter eight into chapter ten, even if they did get quickly brushed over in chapter eleven.

3. I liked Christina's explanation of Aileen and why she wants Ella to date Aiden because that actually makes perfect sense. Usually a character in a fake dating scenario would be forced into it for absolutely no good reason, but here your reason is very legit!  

4. Even though I mentioned that Ella certainly didn't act socially awkward for the first few chapters, it's more obvious that she is the more this story progresses. Maybe it should've been more established earlier on, but still.

5. Christina seems nice.

Conclusion + Grade
Finally, we come to the finale — my personal insight on this story.

With the theme being the way that it is, I still don't quite yet understand how this will play out as a modern fairytale. However, even though I'm fifteen chapters into this, there's still the possibility of that coming through by the time this work is completed. I can't confirm anything for sure until something's finished.

You have a lot to consider in the grammar + writing style portion for your story. As for the characters and plot, it'd be nice if they could be more fleshed out. More realistic in some aspects or flow smoothly and consistently in others.

I wish we could've seen more of Ella's past and her reactions to things that might remind her of her past. You can only keep tempting your readers for so long about what a main character's been through before spilling everything.

I also wish that I could've seen more on what Aiden is like, other than the fact that he's hot. I know absolutely nothing about his personality so far other than that little thing we saw from chapter two.

There's literally little to no interaction between Aiden and Ella that's not related to work. There's only been prolonged eye contact that's resulted in flustered reactions. Hopefully that changes soon now that they're fake dating, though I feel like it should've changed way sooner.

Overall, I'd give this story a rating of 5/10.

Your story as a whole seems all right, but it needs work in the grammar + writing style department and the characters need to have more depth to them.

I know that you're still trying to improve and I commend you for that. Like I've already stated in the rules of this shop, I'm not here to bash your story or do anything like that. I'm only here to be as honest and helpful as possible.

Considering how this review is over 4,000+ words, I hope I've done my job properly.