Hello my darlings.

I'm sorry but I'm so torn. For some reason I just don't feel a connection to this story like I have with my others. It may be because fan fiction isn't doing what I guess I need it to anymore. I want to be honest with you guys so here it goes.

I am eighteen. This summer will mark four years since I began fighting my battle with depression. I've self harmed. I've gone through stages of bulimia and anorexia. I've been in the darkest places and that's when I found you guys. I found the world of fiction and I fell head over heels in love with the outsiders. Because I was one.

But these past few months have been the most redeeming and incredible months ever. I feel like for the first time in four years I can say I love myself. I love who I am and that means so much. And at the same time, I feel hurt because I'm not the writer I used to be.

For me writing was how I lived. I could create stories and people that let feel alive. Well, I feel alive now and I don't feel like I'm the same writer.

I've been trying so hard. So hard. I want to be a good writer because I owe you and the world of fiction everything. I may not be here if it wasn't for this app, S.E. Hinton's characters, and the love some of you have shown me. I understand I'm not famous on this app and I only get a few hundred or maybe a thousand views on my story but it doesn't matter.

I've had some of you say I'm your favorite writer. Some of you have said you love my writing and my stories and I cherish that so much. Just a few comments and views can be enough to make me feel content for weeks.

I say all of that to say this, I'm not sure where I'm at with this story and I'm sure where I'm at with me. I'm going to out of town tomorrow. I need to get away and think about some things going on. Senior year is stressful, you know? So maybe when I'm there I'll find some motivation to write this story. But if I don't I apologize.

I will finish this story eventually. I don't like quitting things. But I guess rn I just don't have anything keeping me on this app. I used to need it to breath. But I guess I don't anymore. I just don't know. I know this is dramatic and eccentric but hey, we're all a little extra and fucked up. That's why we live here. We're different people here.

I love those of you who have kept me going. I'm just a little stuck rn. Forgive me and I hope I find my way back to you guys.

God bless you all. Do good.

-Lydia Hale