It wasn't okay, though, and perhaps I hated that more than I hated being wrong.

And it wasn't that I'd lied to him, I just hated the fact that what I'd said in optimism hadn't quite lined up with reality, because unlike me, neither Gerard's mother, nor poor Mikey Way, had quite seen Gerard's world as much as I had today. 

They hadn't seen just what Bert McCracken was like, and I wondered if they even knew the whole truth either, because from where I was sitting Bert was a manipulative asshole, and perhaps, where Gerard had ended up now was nothing but his fault.

But the murder - Gerard had killed someone, and although taking it gently at first, perhaps just for Gerard's benefit, and for the sake of keeping the peace between us, but now, now as I stood in the kitchen doorway, knowing was okay anymore, and especially not what Gerard had done, and I began to wonder just how easily it could have been someone like my mother, and the moment that thought leapt to mind, I wanted to stop it, but I guess God, or karma or something, disagreed, as time only seemed to slow down, my heart beating heavy in my chest with realisation.

And I felt like a bystander, and worst of all, I was a bystander, and in the state I stood - frozen, I felt almost as if there was nothing I could do regarding the aforementioned situation, but I didn't want Gerard to have to go down like this, even if it was drowning him in a sea of morality; a wake up call, I just didn't think he deserved it, anyone deserved it.

Except maybe Bert McCracken; for what he'd done, and for who he'd done it to, I reckoned an exception could be made. And my heart fell to stone as I laid my eyes upon Mikey, with a vague knowledge as to what haunted him every single day, and how it was regarded with nothing but disrespect, and at times, even without the necessity of regret.

I wondered if Mrs Way, if Donna, even knew, and from the look of anger forming on her face at the scene around her, I hazarded a guess that she didn't, and despite the fact I felt like she should, Mikey's business wasn't mine to tell. 

Right now, Gerard's, however, seemed as if it was, and I didn't stop my thoughts long enough to even briefly question the morality of such a statement, stepping forward and joining my boyfriend in the kitchen, grabbing his hand in a gesture I think just about no one expected, and perhaps it was foolish of me to stand by him, even with what he'd done, but there was just this fucking stupid little thing called love getting in the way of my brain functioning properly.

But the thing was, when it related to Gerard, I couldn't careless at all, because with him, I'd rather stand in the wrong than stand alone, and perhaps that was toxic, but perhaps some things just had to be. We're always such an all or nothing kind of relationship, and that certainly didn't seem to be in any hurry to change.

And perhaps things were just better that way, because I wouldn't rather it be anything else.

"Gerard doesn't deserve you going after him and picking up the pieces of these tantrums he's throwing." Mrs Way tossed an offhand comment as she gave up in her attempts to get Mikey up off the floor, or stop crying at the very least, and made her way over to the cabinet, and pulled out a packet of pills, sliding them across the countertop.

"Your medication's there for you to fucking take, Gerard!" And at that point, the room had frozen and even Mikey's sobs had subdued, his bloodshot gaze peering up from the floor to the untouched pills on the countertop, and the guilty yet unregretful look upon his brother's face.

"I... I... I... I..." The sentence never made its way from Gerard's lips, a stutter taking its place and receiving nothing but impatient and generally apathetic glances from his mother and brother, leaving me shell-shocked and almost alien in the belief that perhaps he didn't deserve all of this, and perhaps it wasn't even bias when even Gerard himself didn't believe it, guilt overwhelming him as he spoke.

"You forgot, huh?" She took a step closer to her son, and I only tightened my grip on his hand, almost feeling lost amidst the domestic of someone else's home, but I guess in the recent past, this house had become just as much as my home as it was Gerard's. "That's not good enough. Do you want me to have to-"

"Look, please..." And his words came out as sobs; the pleading of an arrogant man bringing silence to the room. "I just can't anymore, all of this is just too much... I just... it doesn't seem to matter, do you think? I take them and I feel nothing, I feel empty, I feel so shallow, like the world's nothing but faded watercolour, and I want to live in oil paint - vivid on a messy canvas, and I want to feel something, and I think even if you feel bad things you have to be able to feel the good too..."

"Gerard, you're dangerous to yourself without them - they're there for a reason. You make stupid and irrational decisions and do dangerous things, and you need to sort this out before you do something irrational, again."

"You're a little late, honestly." Perhaps he just spoke like that for effect, but whatever, it seemed to work, and I hated that I was the only one other than him that knew what he was talking about here.

"What did you do?"

"Doesn't matter, it's irrelevant now. Frankie, stopped me, and you're right in that I don't deserve him, but honestly, I think I need him..." And there came that dreamy tone of voice as he stepped closer to me, and yet I still couldn't help but catch Mrs Way's eyes and remember that for once, I seemed to be more responsible for Gerard than he was for himself.

"He tried to get back with Bert." I swear the words just flew out, but they were in no way unintentional, yet certainly attention grabbing, even Mikey looked up, standing after a moment, shaky on his legs like they were artificially attached.

"Why?" The words came from Mikey's lips; trembling and unsteady, his eyes puffy like he'd been crying for hours, and I most certainly didn't doubt the plausibility of such an assumption.

"I'm sorry." An apology was unexpected, but of course welcomed, yet Gerard had to hang his head low after that, shrinking away from me, like he couldn't trust me anymore, which wasn't exactly all that unexpected, considering just the secret I'd let slip. "I need some time to think, alone. I'll be in my room, okay?"

"Gerard-" Donna began; gritted teeth, frown lines more visible than ever.

"Please, trust me, just let me have some time to think and then I'll take those pills and reduce myself to nothing once more." And perhaps for once, melodrama even seemed like a fitting exit theme, as no one offered any valid argument, or perhaps dared to, as he left, heading up to the room he'd surely lock himself inside of and drown himself in the dreadful workings of his own mind.

This felt like a bad idea. This felt like a horrible idea, but the look in Donna's eyes gave way to the fact that she was nothing but reluctant to let me go too; she wanted answers and I was in position to blame her at all, but there was just something stupid about leaving someone like Gerard alone in a state like the one he was in right now.

I took a moment to contemplate just how much he might need the pills he'd been denying himself and just how much damage he'd caused by his fault in not taking them recently. I reckoned that perhaps this wasn't something that I particularly wanted to think about though; I didn't want to toss Gerard under a label such as 'insane', 'dangerous', or 'psychotic', because he was just so much more than that, and it was ridiculous how it took someone to get just so close to him before that realisation set in.

"Frank, I feel like you know far more than I do." She began to explain, stepping forward and offering me a tentative smile, the pills still lying abandoned on the countertop, and the look in her eyes a fake kind of welcome - she wasn't lying to me with the calm and gentle glance, but herself, because clear as day, she wasn't okay. "I think from the way you still care about him that maybe you even understand." She added, exhaling, her chest heavy, and her eyes wandering towards Mikey, only for her younger son to turn away, still unnoticed and unstable, with a secret I knew more than I'd like to.

"I don't think anyone really understands what's going on in Gerard's head, and sometimes I think even to try would be nothing but a wild goose chase, because sometimes, I think he doesn’t either." I passed Mikey a glance; he now stood with his back pressed up against the wall, frozen in place, almost scared to move, and the psychological affects of something of that calibre forced back through your mind in full detail really would not be pretty, and yet I stood here, with nothing more than sympathetic glances, unsure what to say to the brother I was least familiar with, and this state he was in, that was just foreign to me.

"Please just help me understand him, and care about him like you can, because although I'm his mother, it's hard, and you must know that it's hard." I nodded solemnly, the gesture partaking without the requirement for words, as she was right, even as much as I hated to admit such a thing, because perhaps the dangerous secrets of an irrational son were the business of his concerned and clueless mother, but morals drifted loosely around such a dilemma.

"Mikey, I'm so sorry." I breathed the words out, my eyes connected with the 'deer in the headlights' gaze upon Mikey's, leaving Donna in yet another state of confusion as I addressed her younger son over her, but for now, I decided that perhaps Mikey's sanity needed desperate attention, as for too long, it seemed as if he'd been paid none, especially keeping up such a facade that was just so typical of Mikey Way.

I hated how no one in this family seemed at all capable of facing the truth, especially the truth that they'd brought upon themself, and not just themself, but others too. Something had always been wrong here, and that was for sure, but most of all, not my place to pry into.

"You know?" He almost seemed startled at the prospect, almost as if he could hide it inside himself forever, but I reckoned he'd tried that out for too long by now, and was only living long enough in ignorance to convince himself that there was no problem with such an attitude.

And I felt sorry for him, I did, because he was scared, genuinely scared of what I might do and what I might say, because I couldn't blame him for assuming I'd treat this matter in a similar manner to Gerard, even if I had already proved that such a thing was far from the truth, but he didn't know, he was scared, clueless, and victimised once more.

"Bert... he told me... and then Gerard explained, and I'm... so, so sorry..." Mikey turned away at that point, and I pointed the blame upon myself instantly, and I didn't think twice, even hypocrisy was the only award such an action could possibly warrant.

"It's not your fault." He promised me, his voice raw and scared, truly scared; every facade stripped from him, leaving just the corpse and brain of something that barely even felt like Mikey Way anymore.

"I don't think it's entirely Gerard's either." I stopped him with that, the two of us sharing a look; a look which said far too little and yet far too much.

Silent words were always the worst kind, and yet they were still the kind I was most experienced in - life just loved fucking with me like that, it seemed.

"I need to think, as well." He added as explanation as he slipped out the kitchen door and onto the porch, where I began to presume he would stand smoking away the worries that clouded his head like an inescapable fog.

And I thought other how much easier it was to let Mikey go than it was Gerard, even when Mikey had been broken down on the floor mere moments ago. Perhaps even like this there just wasn't a question in the fact that Mikey was going to pick him self up again, whereas his brother's mental stability was a much more questionable matter, and the unopened tablets on the countertop only served to prove that.

"I don't even know what happened to him and he's my son." And I watched as Mrs Way broke down in her own kitchen and I was bared the sole witness; both of her sons, elsewhere, and for once I found myself lost with the lack of conflict in the room, and I hated how I had to be the bearer of news, and I knew such a thing sounded nothing but selfish, but no one ever wanted to be the one to tell a mother what terrible things had befallen her sons, especially when the things were of the nature they were.

"All I know is... is... Mikey in the hospital, and Gerard in the hospital, and Gerard's ex who was a bad influence and the drugs, and the wrong crowd that he got into, and I'm feeling like I'm missing something, or maybe I'm just uncompassionate, and..." Her words were all too fast and jumping to all the wrong conclusions, but blame was out of the question here - she was simply lost and confused and apologetic was all I could be.

"Mrs W- Donna, you're missing a lot." I told her the truth, because at this point, there was nothing else left to say, and now I felt myself speaking not only on Gerard's behalf, but Mikey's too. "Bert was more than just a bad influence, he... I don't want to say it, but he... he pretty much abused Gerard."

"So he hit him, oh my god..."

"He hit him, he was possessive over him, he used him, he acted like he owned him.... and... he... raped him..." The last part considerably quieter than the rest of my words, but not even on the level of the silence that took its place; the level of silence though, was what it deserved, warranted even.

"And I never fucking knew...." She spat out, slamming her fist against the wall, her knuckles bleeding in result, only for her to glance at briefly, before brushing the matter off, clearly not caring about the physical damaged she'd caused herself in comparison to what I'd had the unfortunate responsibility of telling a mother about her son. "Mikey knew didn't he? Even Mikey knew?"

"I don't know... I don't think Mikey was ever told, but from what he did know it seemed easy enough for him to figure it out..." I shook my head as I spoke, not even wanting to give the matter such consideration.

"So one of my fucking sons was ra-"

"So was Mikey..." I added, my voice quiet and perhaps even ashamed to admit it, but so terrified for Donna's sanity after this, because no mother deserved this, and no mother even wanted to know such a thing had befallen her children, but somethings just couldn't be helped, and some things were the fault of those evil in the world.

Evil meaning none other than Bert McCracken, and really, for him, hate seemed like a compliment.

"No..." She shook her head; sobbing and almost defiant of the matter, biting down hard on her lip as she tried her best not to cry, but of course, her attempts were rendered useless.

And in a situation such as this, tears were unexpected, especially when they came from a mother's eyes. Mrs Way deserved none of this; she was a fantastic mother and she tried as hard as she could, yet she got nothing more than shit after shit and heartache after heartache as she struggled through the problems and hatred of two sons that until now she had no hope of ever understanding.

I reckoned Gerard and Mikey thought of their hatred for one another as such a private, almost sacred thing; something between them alone, and I reckoned there was nothing quite as idiotic, as a problem without a solution could do nothing but grow and mutate until it was out of control, and although the solution to the fuck ups between them never would have been simple, it had just gone on far too long with far too many words tossed around with no regard for the effects they might have.

"I didn't want to have to be the one to tell you this, but you're their mother - it's bad enough that they're keeping secrets like this from each other, let alone you." And I knew I was right, so for once, speaking of such a subject, my voice didn't shake and I stood my ground, and exhaled as I came to what was both a realisation and an acceptance of what had happened between them, because with Gerard Way, you didn't just get him as a boyfriend with kisses, flirting, and sex.

With Gerard, you got everything, you got fights, dark pasts, secrets he never told anyone, and lies he constructed out of arrogance, medication he never took, and ex-boyfriends he told you far too little about before he tried to get back with.

"It really doesn't sound like much considering Bert, but you're the best boyfriend Gerard's had, and I have to thank you for everything, Frank, seriously. You look after that boy better than I ever could." Her words were genuine, and the acceptance and kindness seemed to be the only thing that mattered right now as I let a genuine smile pass in response, as I contemplated just how on earth I'd gotten from seeing the guy with stupid red hair in the forest where no one besides myself ever went, to knowing all his secrets and comforting his mother in his kitchen, as I he had become a bigger part of me life than I ever could have expected.

And for the first time in this encounter, a mutual smile hovered over the room, of course only to been broken with widened eyes and looks of pure panic and terror, as the sound of gunshot reverberated through the walls of the house.

It had come from upstairs.

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