Gerard walked almost in slow motion as we approached his house; his actions seeming to slow and his breath irregulating in a manner that was perhaps just a little concerning. I wanted to say something but my vocal chords rendered themselves utterly uncooperative, and I had nothing in me but to walk beside him as we approached the front door in a delayed and slowed down time, almost as if we had waltzed to our very own psychological demise.

Common sense had to vouch for the fact that whatever he was keeping hidden inside couldn't be all that bad, and it was simply an overreaction fuelled by a lack of understanding regarding just how much I cared about him. But Gerard wasn't quite so stupid like that, was he?

I couldn't help but let thoughts like these run through my head at a thousand miles per hour, because if we weren't at a fast pace, I guess something just had to be.

I reconsidered for a moment, even contemplated stepping back on my whole decision and the countless requests in favour of this all so elusive secret that my perhaps still boyfriend thought it best not to tell me. I mean, Gerard wasn't like Mikey, he didn't just keep things from you without reason, and Gerard and I were close after all, so surely it shouldn't matter.

But I just couldn't help but notice they way Mikey looked at Gerard like he couldn't recognise the man before him as his brother, and I needed to know why.

I could never really hate Gerard. It just didn't seem at all feasible; I was sickeningly head over heels for him and the possibility of that all disappearing at the telling of one secret was not only unbelievable but unnerving too.

That scared me - the thought scared me, and very much so.

Perhaps Gerard was simply nothing more than embarrassed in recognition of bad and stupid decisions he'd made in the past, and I guess, as were we all, but Mikey just threw that theory out of credibility. Mikey still wouldn't look at Gerard like that. Okay, Mikey held grudges, but he always came around someway or another.

And this time I just couldn't quite shake the feeling it was all because of me. Pete's words came back to me and I couldn't help think about the destruction we'd cause and how easily he'd forgiven me for hurting him like I had. It confused me and contorted my stomach in a manner that was tripping me precariously on the end of spontaneous vomiting, which I really was not up for, especially right now.

But I just couldn't silence the thoughts that perhaps I was wrong and Gerard had his reasons and Pete was right, but I couldn't not know, not now anymore. Perhaps knowing was better than accidentally finding out, I guess in the long run, anyways, but for right now I really wasn't so sure.

This was all hit and miss but I seemed to just keeping missing, perhaps there wasn't even anything I could hit in the first place, besides my boyfriend's face.

I guessed I'd made my mistakes, and he'd made his, but perhaps he was right and perhaps I shouldn't know, but I couldn't help but be horribly curious.

And I guess curiosity did kill the cat in the end, but don't we all just need something to die for?

-

The slam of Gerard's bedroom door was enough to pull me back into reality and quickly panic at me surroundings before the memories of making my way up to his bedroom in a barely there kind of trance state flooded back to me.

"How do you want this to go, Frank?" He asked, speaking to me in a formal manner and using my full name in a manner that caught my attention almost instantly, mostly because my father addressed me as 'Frank'... that or 'fag', and I couldn’t afford not to pay attention when it came to him.

"I just want us to know, I just want there to be no more secrets, and I want the two of us to have a fresh start and I want this to go well." Gerard stood and looked at me for a moment, our gazes meeting and I fought back the urge to kiss him, because I doubted that a sudden spring of romantic affection wouldn't exactly be all that appropriate.

"If you want to love me, you don't want to hear this, Frank." Gerard rolled the words all too casually off his tongue, his eyes darting over to the window, his legs following his gaze as he reached for his ashtray, placing it down on the bedside table and lighting a cigarette as he sat down on his bed, leaving me in a rather awkward state of mimic in regards to his actions.

"Stop staying that, Gerard." I added emphasis to his full name, in the sole purpose of reminder that Gerard was now speaking to him as an eighteen year old and a legal adult. "Just tell me..." I added with am awkward little hopeful smile.

He took a drag of his cigarette as he met my gaze, scanning his eyes over my vaguely tanned face as smirk loosely hooked itself over my lips. "You're so innocent and cutely so - I really don't deserve you and sometimes I don't even understand our relationship, but the fact that it's right and feels good, is just all I need, you know. I'm really glad I have you and I'm so selfish... I'm scared of telling you - I just don't want to even risk loosing you-"

"I'll have to die before I ever leave you alone, Gerard Way." I met his eyes for that one, sincerity edging him over into the confession I both dreaded, needed and craved. "And even then I reckon, that I'll come back and fucking haunt your ass." I coupled my slightly more light-hearted words with a small smirk that he seemed to endure difficulty in the manner of not returning.

"Then this, Frank Iero, looks an awful lot like a death wish." He sighed, his smirk uncoiling and his eyes drifting downwards as he pulled his somewhat spindly legs up onto the bed, crossing them and letting out a sigh - more audible than intent would have it, but not quite important enough for him to correct himself or awkwardly drag it out into a yawn for the sake of menial perfections.

"Then let it be just that. Tell me, let me die, if it's for anything I want it to be for something important." I threw my common sense aside for this one; knowing that was pretty much just about the most foolish thing to ever leave my lips, but for him it didn't matter. When it came to Gerard, nothing mattered beside him and that should have been a warning sign or something, but I was too blindly in love to even notice that by now.

"But I'm not important." Gerard insisted with nothing but that stupid foolish glint of belief in his eyes. It really hurt to know that he wasn't just saying this, but believing it wholeheartedly also. It hurt more than whatever Gerard was about to say ever could.

"Important, you are. What you're not, as I'm seeing, is clever." I rolled my eyes in his direction; a smile gracing my lips once more but this was not something he returned. He just let his gaze drift away momentarily before twisting his face into that slightly pained expression before he continued.

"Hey..." His voice peaked momentarily before his tone grew sombre with the distance of his gaze. "I had bad friends, I knew bad people, and I was stupid... Mikey, he was always right, he always told me not to hang out with them, not to do this, not to do that, but I never listened to him and I doubt he can forgive me for that, but then again, I can't blame him for my own stupidity."

I looked up at him, my eyes falling to meet his eyes with the non-spoken signal for him to continue and a few words as an accompaniment. "You're not stupid. You just did stupid things." I reassured him, with no need for the knowledge as to what my words actually meant; I guess it was the thought that counts, surely?

"That's the same as saying that I'm not gay, I just do gay things. I'm not an asshole, I just do asshole type things." He chuckled a little at that one as he came to realise the unintentional and somewhat amusing connection he'd made there. "I didn't intend for those two to be quite so connected... but there was this guy. There's always a guy, isn't there, and this was when I was struggling with my sexuality and I was stupid enough to hook right onto the first gay guy I met, and he was hot with good music taste and I was lovestruck from the word go. He had me wrapped around his finger, he did."

Gerard glanced up at me with a wary gaze, and I couldn't help but have my stomach plummet at the expression of sorrow and self-disappointment I was met with. I couldn't bear to see him like this; it was just so un-Gerard. The shy and nervous Gerard in front of me was of course my Gerard, but still he'd didn't seem quite as familiar as the outgoing little shit I knew all too well.

"It's not your fault." I consoled him as a product of conscience and instinct alone, because perhaps it was - I had very little right to make a judgement upon the matter, but what I did have more than the right, and perhaps even the requirement to, was sustaining Gerard's happiness.

"Maybe this wasn't, maybe, but what I chose to do later definitely was." Gerard fell back against the bed with a thud as his body bounced against the mattress a little, his eyes locking with the ceiling. "I always had such a choice, but I just wanted to think I was cool. Fuck cool, man. Promise me you won't ever try to be cool." He turned to me with wide-open and unnervingly innocent eyes.

"That's a promise I can easily keep." I assured him with the small notion of a grin.

"Good." He exhaled, again almost in slow motion, his breath almost freezing in mid air. "This guy, his name isn't important, he had me hooked around his little finger. I was new in town at the high school and he just looked after me, and no one bothered me when he was around me, perhaps it was the fact that he was older or perhaps it was because of how he looked with that I'll kill you in a second kind of glare, but I felt safe with him. I felt like I didn't deserve this and that planted guilt, guilt he'd use of course."

"I can't imagine you like that... young and naive..." I let the truth slip; unsure as to how the hell someone like Gerard who react to a confession like that. He'd either take it great and understand or he'd get terribly offended - there was no grey area with him and that was just the best or the worst part, never in-between.

"I didn't get like this without going through a whole load of shit, Frankie, I'm sorry, but that's how life works." He let out a sigh, turning his gaze away as his words turned a little on the sour side. His voice had an unmissably spiteful tone to them, but really, I knew it could have been so much worse, and so I took this with open arms and a small comment in recognition of his words.

"I wish it didn't."

Silence. Silent agreement.

"And then he introduced me to his friends, and I thought it was beyond amazing and that they were all so cool, but that cool was just drugs and drink... and I wanted to be cool more than anything, so that's how it happened. And I suppose that was all fine just being a little fucked up and rebellious with some guy that was leading me on, until Bert came along and sent that little friendship group into turmoil - he wanted to be in control, he was just like that, and suddenly it was less of a few stoned teenagers who liked to think they were cool, and then Bert was running some sort of gang here, and... I was basically the whore... I mean, I guess I didn't intend it to be like that, Bert just showed me affection I could never have before, and manipulation was definitely his strong point... I... I wasn't just his whore, people paid him to let me fuck them, and I... I just didn't want to upset him-"

"Gee... I..." I choked upon my words, disbelief scattered around the broken words and fought back sobs, because this barely even seemed real as I could hardly believe a single word that left his lips. I honestly had no idea what I imagined when it came down to this, but whatever it was, it most certainly wasn't this.

"It's not your fault." Was all I could manage to choke out in the end; pathetic I know, especially considering the gravity of what he'd just admitted to me. He didn't deserve this shit, not at all.

"And then things got worse, when I got involved with the drugs and that kind of operation, and I got so addicted, like white lines just made me see straight... it was just something else, but then Mikey found out... he found out... he found the coke, and he saw it on me, and he was angry at me with that, let alone how angry he was when he found out about Bert and that I was gay." He turned rather pale at that memory, his gaze fixating upon the floor, the ceiling, and basically just anywhere but mine.

"He didn't know?" My eyes widened at that, assuming that disputes aside, the Way brothers were overall very close; I guess that perhaps I was wrong, or that perhaps his sexuality was a different kind of issue, especially considering Mikey's not quite so understanding approach to the matter.

Gerard simply shook his head in response, before silence fell over the two of us for a few moments until he continued and things did what I thought to be impossible - it all got worse.

"He walked in on Bert and I... fucking but it was just how it was... Bert had me blindfolded and on my knees, and I was so stoned I could barely even feel anything happening, I just let him fuck me as hard as he wanted and Mikey just saw that, him gripping me so hard and pushing me down as he slammed into me- I... I'm sorry you probably don't want to hear a graphic description of sex with my ex-" He pushed his words out haphazardly and between breathy quivers and the stumbling of words; lazily used to cover up and hold back sobs that were grasping at the back of his throat.

"Gerard, did he ever... ever... did he... did you ever not want it..." I stumbled around the trigger word in the sentence, carefully treading around it, my words fragmented in reflection of that, and despite my vagueness, it was all too clear as to what I meant.

Gerard looked at me for a few moments, as if to suggest that my words were nothing but ridiculous, and then, he nodded.

"And then Mikey blackmailed me with threats of telling mum, and everything between us was just so messed up and I ended up telling Bert about how pissed off I was, and I told him that Mikey knew about the coke, but that was such a fucking stupid idea... I... didn't mean I just... Bert asked me if I wanted him to sort Mikey out and I said yes. I just thought he'd talk to him- but Mikey ended up in hospital. Nearly fucking dead. From my word and Bert told him so as he beat him near to death. That's the look Mikey gives me 'the you told your ex-boyfriend to kill me' look, and I deserve it-"

"Gerard, I-" My jaw dropped from my face entirely, leaving me in an almost frozen state of horror and shock, leaving me panicking and disbelieving of what he'd told me to be the sincere truth/

"Leave, now, if you're going to go, just please, I don't want to finish, it gets worse... I..."

"Gerard, I love you." I met his eyes with that one, the words coming out all too fast and all too sudden, and in fact, I had barely expected it myself. "You didn't mean it, you didn't know what he'd do, you didn't-"

"And Bert left me after that - called me a stupid fuck that couldn't even make his mind up. I guess that was all for the better, but I didn't think so then... I just... I overdosed, and I guess I should have been more excited to wake up in the hospital afterwards, and again; Mikey just hated me further for that... Mikey, it's not his fault, I just... he doesn't get things like that."

"You tried to k-"

I couldn't quite believe it. He wasn't the type- he didn't look the type, but there wasn't a type... there was never a type was there?

"And that was probably only a month or so before we met... I think, and I think Mikey tried at first - something mum said to him perhaps, but I fucked up again with drugs more so, and he ran out of chances then and of course he hates me."

"I don't." I let out a sigh, filling the silence. "Hate you, I mean."

"You're stupid then."

"I'd rather be stupid then never see you again, Gerard."

"I'm glad you punched me Frank, because Mikey always told me that I was going end up treating you like Bert ended up treating me."

"So I beat you to it, huh?" I snapped out, glaring at him a little.

"No, I just... I just... nothing's your fault, you're perfect, Frank - so much more than I could ever deserve."

"Don't you ever say that, promise me that?" I held out my pinkie finger in a promise gesture.

"Only if you keep your promise."

"Of course I'll never try to be cool, Gee." I let a smirk lap over my lips. "I'm hot enough anyway."

Hey guys:) I hope you liked this chapter and you know, if you did, you should really be nice and give it a vote and/or a comment - it'd be terribly impolite not to;) I love you guys<3