There was only one word to describe what I'd done, and that word was nothing more than fucking stupid. There was nothing more to it than that - it was just stupid. It wasn't empowering, it wasn't aggressive, it wasn't naive, it wasn't wrong, it just wasn't anything more than stupid - the action didn't deserve anything more than that word, and I didn't disagree at all.

It was of course my fault and sympathy was something I really shouldn't find myself expecting, but forgiveness was what I was craving, even with the blatant unworthiness of my case. I always seemed to persevere in the wrong direction. Perhaps it was even getting funny now.

But it really wasn't. It was just getting the sad disappointed looks from everyone I knew as I came to recognise just what I'd done and just how I'd become the epitome of everything I didn't want to be.

He'd done this too.

He, meaning he. The man that didn't even deserve the title genetics warranted him.

I had punched Gerard, I'd physically fucking hurt him and that was only something he would do, and something he would do to me. Perhaps it was to be expected in the end - like father, like son, as they say, but I couldn't help but laugh at the irony that Mikey had spent all too much time warning me about Gerard and far too little warning me about myself.

I'd fucked it all up this time and I could do nothing but accept that fact.

I left after it happened, I just kept walking - I didn't even utter a word to anyone, I just walked on in a straight line until I finally hit a road and caught a bus back to town. I couldn't go back to my house and back to him in a state like this at all, and in fact, the long I stayed away, the more he seemed to be complacent with accepting the fact that I didn't exist at all, and that worked in my favour for once.

I ended up curling up underneath my tree in the woods, deciding it was best to stay here and hide from humanity until I regained the courage to face the world again, or most likely, died of something. Perhaps the latter wouldn't be all that bad, you know, perhaps I deserved it now.

Because Gerard was so fucking important and it would of course be a blatant lie to say he hadn't done wrong, but in no way did he deserve this - in no way did anyone deserve this, and in the same way that I didn't deserve this from my father and deserved to be rid of him, he didn't deserve this from me, and I was just doing him a favour by leaving him here.

We hadn't exactly specified all that much but I guessed that a punch was a rather brutally physical way of saying that it was over, and I guessed that by now he'd got the message, or even better, had made his own decision.

And I hoped for his sake that it was that he left me alone from now on, for his own sake rather than mine, because if he asked for a second chance I'd give it him within seconds, because I wanted him back and it was so hard to think of his rights before my own sanity.

I couldn't help but wonder who stormed in after I stormed off and found him like that, I wondered who pieced it all together and hated myself more than Gerard or I did. I bet it was Mikey, perhaps I even hoped it was Mikey, because with Mikey seeing sense he'd be sure to assure Gerard of it and ensure that he didn't try and get me back or make another even more ridiculous decision.

It was getting suitably dark now and I began to wonder what would happen if I died out here, I began to wonder what would happen if I never left these woods, and as I continued to think, the idea became both furthermore insane and of course furthermore enticing.

All of this, deep down felt like a sickeningly bad idea, but I knew it was the best one I'd had in ages, because I couldn't be like him and I just couldn't let myself get away with this one.

-

"Frank..." I forced my eyelids open at the sound of my name, jumping a little and banging my head against the unforgiving bark of the tree behind me in consequence. At first, I had no recollection of where I was and how I got here, but then it suddenly all came flooding back to me and I honestly wished it hadn't.

"Frank? I know you're here, somewhere..." The voice rang out again, followed by the sound of quickening footsteps and leaves crunching underfoot. I struggled to regain my full consciousness and react appropriately to the voice, but it was all too late for any of that, as it was the red haired figure, stood in my eye line that really brought me back to consciousness.

"What the fuck are you doing, Frank? You've sleep here, what the hell... You're going to get sick from this, come on, that was a fucking stupid idea, Frankie." He rushed over to me before I could stop him or myself. "Come on, let's go - you're freezing. We'll go back to mine and warm up and we'll talk later."

"I can't." I finally managed to choke out, looking my ex-boyfriend in the eyes, and watching as his heart broke again on the stop, and fuck, I just couldn't do this.

I found myself fixated with the reddened purple mark across his cheek and nose, the flesh darkened and sore from the massacre of blood vessels beneath his pale skin, and I couldn't help but choke out a sob at the mess there was - the mess I'd created. I couldn't look at him at all; it was just a very physical and far too real reminder of what I'd done.

"I did that..." I croaked out, my voice wavering as I struggled to keep it in, not wanting to break down crying in front of someone who had more than enough reason to want to punch me in the face already. "I did that to your face and I've fucked that up... I've fucked us up; I've fucked you up... I-"

"Frankie..." Gerard let out a sigh, his breath visible in the morning air. "That really doesn't matter - it's just a punch, it's just a fucking punch, Frankie. It's nothing... I'm not going to go around the fact that we've both had worse." He met my eyes for a moment, gauging my reaction for fear that he might have said too much there, and even if he had, in this position, I really had no right to be offended after what I'd done to him.

"I don't want to be like him... that's what he does... he... that's how it was at the start... I'd say something that pissed him off and I wouldn't shut up and I... he ended up making me shut up." I let out a sigh, my mind filling with memories of the worst variety.

"It's just as much my fault as it is yours, Frankie." Gerard pulled a completely bullshit statement out of his ass. "We were arguing and I was being a prat, look, I forgive you. This bruise is going to heal and so should we."

"But... I... I don't want you to be stuck in a relationship where I hurt you and I can't stop myself, I don't want myself, I can't stop myself... what if that happens...? And you won't let go of me like you won't now? What happens then?"

"It won't, Frankie." He pushed his words forward with all too much sincerity - far too much sincerity for it to meaning anything to either of us at all. "I promise it won't." He added, perhaps just to the lie, or perhaps to his conscience also. I wouldn't blame him.

"How can you be so sure?" I countered immediately; my mouth speaking without the aid of my mind and jumping into just another stupid decision brought out via the means of stupidly badly thought out actions and decisions.

"Because just from that I know that you care about me so much that you could never do that to me again, and honestly Frank, that one punch in no way amounts to what I've done." Here he went again, bringing this all-elusive past up once again and by this point I didn't even know if I cared anymore - it barely even mattered at all. All that mattered was that he was okay now and not what he'd done in the past.

"But not to me." I let out a whisper, the truth speaking only in silent tones for fear of truly being heard, "never to me. I can't see the bad in you, because I never see it, not really." I admitted, my eyes open big, wide and utterly hopeless, giving him this weird sort of sincerity drenched look - for a reason I could never quite elude from, a reason damned by my heart beating all too fast.

"But I have, Frankie. Remember when we barely knew each other, I have done some things I can't help but hate and really if you're going to insist that we break up because you punched me then I'm pretty sure I'm going to end up punching you for being fucking stupid."

I let out a chuckle at that, because that was really the first sensical thing that had left his lips in an awfully long while now. "I'm fucking stupid, aren't I?" I didn't know why I bothered to ask; already know the answer well enough for it to be practically engraved into my skin.

Gerard sat down beside me, leaning back against the tree and shrugging off his coat, putting it around me and I couldn't help but shiver into it because, okay, I was fucking cold. "No, you're not, Frankie. You just did something stupid and the fact is I'm not going to let you do something else stupid and that second stupid thing would be not letting me forgive you." He reeled off his words almost like he'd planned this word by word and really I wouldn't have blamed him all that much, but I really didn't want to think I was quite that predictable... Gerard was different, I guess.

I couldn't speak, my lips eventually moving to let out one simple word, practically devoid of meaning but for once meaning so much. "Okay."

And at first, he said nothing, and at first, so did I. And just like I had said, that was okay.

We just sat there in silence for a few minutes, with his jacket around my shoulders and my head resting against him and I felt happy for once and I couldn't help but feel like I didn't deserve it, but I shut that thought down instantly because I didn't want to upset Gerard anymore than I already had. I wanted to do a good job of that this time, but I couldn't help but doubt the likelihood of that situation.

"What was my birthday surprise?" I asked him after a while, peering up and letting my eyes pass over the eruption of battered, darkened skin across his pale cheek, and settle on his eyes - shining hazel in the sunrise. He was fucking beautiful, even after I'd destroyed him. I think the truth was that he could just never not be.

I hope he knew that.

"It was nothing special, Frankie, don't worry. We were just going to go to this really pretty little secluded woodland area and camp there for a night; I just thought it would have been cool... It doesn't matter, what matters is that we're good now." He let out a heavy sigh, his breath warm against my skin, and I could almost feel the disappointment in the air because there really was no way around the fact that he'd planned this for me and I'd let him down... again.

"I'm sorry." I let out a sigh, burying my face into his shoulder, and wishing myself away and wishing him away with me. Perhaps things would be so much easier if it was just the two of us - alone yet together, because it was so much easier to blame things on other people, and perhaps that'd stop and perhaps we wouldn't.

"I just reckon I'm particularly good at fucking things up." I admitted what was nothing more than the truth - my breath weighted and concerningly cold, but not quite concerningly enough to be genuinely concerned about... just school nurse giving you an icepack level of concerned.

"Shut up, Frankie." He let out a sigh, pulling me closer to him and I just couldn't complain, because he cared so much, and so much more than I ever deserved.

"What happened after I left?" I finally gathered the courage to ask, knowing this was nothing more than another stupid decision from the get go but still that didn't stop me. Perhaps it was destiny for me just to fuck things up and do stupid things, perhaps there was nothing I could do about that or perhaps that was just the easier way of saying that there was really nothing I wanted to do about that, which also was true.

Gerard let out a sigh, pushing his hair back as he pulled his gaze up to the sky, his eyes fixating off elsewhere as he admired the shape of the colours overhearing the dull orange skies that the sun pulled its head up into.

"Mikey is pissed off with me, but what's the usual? Well, even more pissed than usual... no one else really said all that much."

"With you?" I exclaimed, my brow furrowing as I came to wonder if I'd simply misheard him, but I knew that I hadn't, and I came to question just how the hell Mikey had come to a decision like that.

"It's probably my fault anyway..." Gerard shrugged and I couldn't help but let my jaw drop as I looked at him in utter disbelief, because it most certainly was not - how was me punching him somehow his fault? 

"Mikey knows what you don't - I wouldn't blame him to make an assumption like that." Gerard offered as his only explanation and I still just didn't get it, and perhaps a part of me just didn't want to, but there was an ever bigger part of me that noticed the sad look in his eyes and knew that I had to understand or else we were never going to get better again.

"Then tell me and let me understand." I offered for the final time and he still remained unsure, his eyes fixated upon the ground; his gaze hadn't met mine for a while now and it was unnerving. "If you tell me I'll forgive you and we can start over a fresh because then we're both aware of what the other's done wrong... it's sort of even then."

"In no way are my sins equal to you punching me in the face, Frankie." Gerard let out a sigh, grabbing a little box from his pocket and lighting a cigarette, exhaling and watching as I was unfazed by the second-hand smoke drifting in my direction - I was kind of used to it by now and just a little more in favour of his familiar nicotine release than I'd want to admit anytime soon.

"Also once I tell you, you're so much more likely to hate me afterwards." He added, his eyes finally met mine as his gaze turned horrifyingly stern.

"Mikey and I are too very different people, perhaps my reaction would even be the opposite of his." I offered with a shy smile and the best reassurance I could offer, despite the fact I knew it would be nothing more than insufficient, I could help but try, I couldn't help but want to because despite this all, despite what I should know better, I just couldn't help but love him.

Gerard shook his head at that, letting out a chuckle. Not like what I'd suggested was plain wrong or even ridiculous, but the kind of laugh you offer a small child who'd just told you they were a fairy or slayed dragons in their spare time. "You'd have to be utterly insane to actually to want to know."

"Who knows, Gee? Perhaps I am." I let a smile spread across my lips; that smile swiftly forming into a grin, but it was a once smile, now grin that he didn't return.

"Look, Frank..." He responded with a heavy sigh, his eyes drifting downwards once more; my heart couldn't help but ache at the gesture. "Promise me that if I do tell you, that you're going to try your best not to hate me, please?"

"Of course, Gee!" I exclaimed, the accusation almost ridiculous, or at least in my mind anyway, because I could really never bring myself to do that, even if I had to. "I could never hate you."

"You're going to change your mind about that soon enough then, I guess." He let out a sigh, and I couldn't help but disagree.

"You're going to tell me?" My eyes lit up, far too excited by this than I most possibly should be, only realising what effect my reaction may have upon him after the words slipped my lips.

Thankfully, at that, he let a chuckle slip, most likely due to my overly exaggerated reaction.

"Yeah, come on, let's get warm and dry first. I'll tell you back at mine - I'd rather you focus on what I have to say rather than trying not to catch hypothermia out here." I couldn't help but feel as if he was postponing it, but now after he'd finally agreed to tell me, I didn't want to jinx anything.

"I'm not that cold-"

"Shut up, Frankie, just come on, I want to just have this walk home together before you can't look at me the same again, please, because that's why I don't want to tell you, and you can say all you like and that you love me, but you're going to look at me differently, you're going to judge, not because you don't care, not because you don't love me, Frankie, but because that's just what humans do."

Hey guys:) I looked at the word count of this fic today and I had a little what the fuck am I doing with my life moment so I really hope you enjoyed this and will vote and comment on it as that may support me in this mini existential crisis I'm experiencing right now:') As always, I love you guys<3