Dedicated to: GrafSpee Ship

Chapter 5
Summer and Rain

Kamono Hotel
August 20, 2022

Summer is not always all about sunshine, sweats, dropping coins on the vending machine in the middle of the rice fields, beautiful colored windmills in the garden, petals of the flowers flowing in the wind, and a series of bicycles along the street with children with colored helmets.

Sometimes during summer, it rains.

When I was young, I always hate the rain. I could still remember how I shed tears in front of my mother just to allow me to go out and still play with my friends, but my poor health did not allow me. At my young age couldn't have understood those apologetic eyes of my mother every time I beg on her to extend my playtime.

I always hate the rain, but now that I am an adult, I just found myself loving the rain, its sounds, the peacefulness that it brings, and the beauty it shows every time it falls.

If the sunlight of summer brings magic to my eyes, when it rains it's like a beautiful whisper— music.

I didn't wake up from the sunlight kissing my cheeks, but the lashing of my thin white curtain as the rainfall danced with it. I couldn't see clearly from my glass window, but the sunflower windmill still moved continuously.

Bumangon na ako sa kama at tuluyan nang isinarado ang bahagyang nakabukas na bintana. Napatingin na rin ako sa sahig ng kuwarto ko dahil napasukan na rin ito ng tubig.

I went to the kitchen to find the rugs and started wiping the floor. After drying the floor, all I did was stare outside of the window. It's just the rain that covers the whole Kamono Hotel, but the fog makes this place mystically mysterious.

When sunlight hits this place, all I could see is magic, now that the rain continues to pour with a mixture of fog around our hotel, I suddenly felt like I was trapped in a fantasy world— like an old and small inn with mystical creatures as guests, elves as the staffs and could be a flying dragon somewhere, an old carriage, or a horse as a means of transportation.

Hindi ako magsisisi na ito ang pinili kong hotel na tigilan habang nasa loob ako ng bansang ito. This is the perfect place to rest, lalo na sa katulad ko na sa bawat lugar na pinupuntahan ay may iba't ibang higit na naiisip. It could be scenes, lines, and characters. After all, I am a writer.

I am here in Japan not just to find the answers about my father, but also to create a wonderful story that I could share with everyone. But now that it's raining, I don't think it is possible for me to fulfill my today's checklist.

I didn't bring a laptop, but I do have a cute notebook with me. Tuwing gabi, bago ako matulog ay inilalagay ko doon ang lahat ng nangyari sa akin sa araw. Not basically a diary where I write every word and thoughts, but just the highlights, dates, and place of the day.

Before I sat at my little table near the glass window, I brewed my favorite coffee and waited for a few minutes before I poured it into my cup as I savored the aroma of the thin smoke tickling my nose.

Nang ipatong ko na iyon sa lamesa at naupo ako sa maliit na upuang katabi noon ay binuksan ko na iyong notebook ko na bigay pa ni Mama.

I started the entries a year ago, bago pa ako dumating sa Japan. But I flipped the page to the day I came here to Japan, and the thing that I just noticed was in every entry Kousuke Matsumoto has it.

I didn't realize that I was already smiling as my little fingers traced those simple names on the notebook. As a writer, I could easily fall in love with different things, simple generosity, a smile, and a little kindness. I could easily get inspired and use every side of it with my stories and make it extra special.

Friends have been telling me that I've been too pure in this world. Na sa simpleng ngiti lang sa akin ng tao, kaunting kuwento, maliit na atensyon ay agad akong naniniwalang gusto nila ako— that they really want me and appreciate me as a person.

I didn't realize that as I admire and stare at the world as it rotates, as I watch the beauty of the sunrise and sunset, as I fascinatedly look up as the moon lights and the stars sparkle, I didn't learn the real beauty of humans.

I could even realize when someone's trying to give me poison or medicine.

Masyado akong natuwang gumawa ng sarili kong mundo na hindi na ako natutong kumilala ng mga tao. That life is not all about the nature's beauty— but also people's beauty.

Huminga ako nang malalim at tipid akong sumimsim ng mainit na kape. The pouring rain makes me think deeper. It could be a lullaby sometimes, serene music— someone's tranquilizer.

I took a pen and I started to write some notes, but I wasn't even in the middle of the sentence when my next word stopped, my right hand started to shake before I dropped my pen and nervously touched the lower part of my nose.

"Shit," bulong ko.

Nang hindi lang isang tulo ng dugo mula sa ilong ko ang pumatak sa notebook ko. I immediately pulled a tissue near me and tried to wipe, but it just ruined the whole page. Iritado kong pinilas ang pahinang iyon, ginasumot at itinapon patungo sa likuran ko.

"Shit," muling bulong ko.

Ramdam ko na ang unti-unting pag-iinit ng sulok ng mga mata ko. I placed my elbows on the table and pressed the palm of my hands to my eyes to stop the possibility of tears.

I came here to Japan to find my father— my mother wants me to find him. I need to find him, I need to find him as soon as possible. I came here to escape— to escape this loneliness.

***

Again, our Valedictorian! Rhoe Anne Alvarez!

Masigabong palakpakan ang sumalubong sa akin matapos ang aking mahabang speech bilang Valedictorian. It was my Elementary graduation. It was raining hard that time, but I could see how people were happy. Kahit napuputikan na ang aming mga puting toga ay walang alintana ang lahat sa tuwa at saya ng mga oras na iyon.

Marcos Espejo Elementary School has made thousands of well-educated students throughout the years— and here I was, claiming the diploma, making my single mother happy.

Hindi maubos ang ngiti at halik ni Mama sa akin sa bawat akyat niya sa stage. Naroon din ang ilan naming kamag-anak na pumapalakpak sa bawat medalyang isinasabit sa akin.

I thought that was the best day of my life, pilit kong pinaniwala ang sarili ko na iyon ang isa sa pinakamasayang araw ng buhay ko. I tried to imagine things, cover scenes, created brand new episodes to make myself better, but there's always reality in every imagination.

Because before I could finally receive my last medal for that day, my mother who was about to climb up the stage again, suddenly grabbed her chest, took a few steps backward, and tried her best to look at me in the eyes as I struggled to run as fast as I could to reach her.

"Mama!"

Malakas at nakabibinging sigawan ng tao ang siyang tanging narinig ko kasabay nang pagtilapon ng aking puting sombrero, diploma at tunog ng mga nagbabanggaang medalya sa aking dibdib.

That day— the day I thought would be the start of giving her gifts of excellence just turned into my worst nightmare.

Naiwan ako ni Mama mag-isa. She left me a financial assistance that I didn't know how much exactly since her half-sister managed it for me. Alam kong labag sa loob niyang kupkupin ako dahil bukod sa hirap na rin sila sa buhay ay dagdag pa ako sa isipin nila.

Kung nasa tamang edad lamang ako ay mas pipiliin ko nang mag-isa ng mga panahong iyon. But maybe that was how my life was written— to meet her.

Sarah Anne, she's my auntie's only daughter. Apat silang magkakapatid at siya ang bunso. I thought that I'd found a friend, a sister to her, we shared a room, we do assignments together, and we always help each other. We tell each other's secrets and happiness. We even shared the same passion.

Simula ng mga bata pa kami ay alam na niyang ang pagsusulat ang siyang nagpapagaan ng pakiramdam ko. My passion on writing is my comfort— I could do everything in writing na hindi ko nagagawa sa totoong buhay. I could build my own world and be happy. Sarah Anne's very supportive and I am so grateful to have her.

It was our first year in Junior high school. Pareho kaming nasa first section, but as an active student and someone who finds comfort in studying and reading, hindi na nagiging komplikado sa akin ang bawat pagsusulit o kaya'y biglaang pagtatanong ng mga guro namin.

I gained a name and popularity as the smartest girl in class.

"Rhoe Anne is not just smart but very pretty and approachable. When I was having a hard time on our essay, she gave me an idea," narinig kong kumento ng isa sa mga kaklase kong lalaki bago ako pumasok ng classroom.

"I kinda like her! Janice ilakad mo naman ako sa pinsan mo!" sabi ng isa ko pang kaklase.

Hindi ko mapigil ang ngiti sa mga labi ko. As a teenager with a young heart, these compliments give little butterflies in my stomach.

"Huh? Ganyan lang naman 'yan sa mga lalaki. She even tried to flirt with my brothers," muling natigil ang hakbang ako. Hindi lang dahil sa mga salitang narinig ko kundi dahil sa nagmamay-ari ng boses.

"She just craves for too much attention. Try to ask the girls, hindi naman siya ganyan sa kanila. Sa inyong mga lalaki lang. I even heard my mother that she—" hindi ko na kinaya pa ang pinagsasabi ni Sarah Anne sa akin, pumasok na ako sa classroom at sinadya kong agawin ang atensyon nila.

Nanlalaki ang mga mata niya nang makita ang presensiya ko. Nagpupuyos ang dibdib ko, gusto ko siyang sugurin, sabunutan at ingudngod ang bibig sa blackboard. I wish I could pull a pen to rip her face or even a fucking stapler to stop her blabbering mouth.

Gusto ko siyang saktan ng mga oras na iyon, I wish she could die— I wish something worst will happen to her. How could she smile at me with those fucking lips while talk bad about me at the same time? I trusted her. I treated her as a sister. I admired her, pero ang marinig iyong mga salitang iyon mula sa mga labing laging nakangiti sa akin?

Akala ko noon ay magkakaroon akong muli ng bagong pamilya simula pa lang sa kanya, pero nagkamali ako roon.

Sarah Anne is just the beginning of my chains of a nightmare.

***

Nang sandaling nalaman ni Sarah Anne na nadiskubre ko na ang mga salitang lumalabas sa bibig niya habang nakatalikod ako ay hindi na siya nagkunwari pa sa harapan ko.

We were in the middle of dinner when she told her parents that I'd been flirting with the guys in our class.

"She's like her mother, hayun, nagpabuntis sa hapon, hindi naman pinanindigan—" marahas akong napatayo sa upuan ko at nangangatal ang kamay kong nakahawak sa tinidor.

Gustong-gusto ko na iyong itarak sa mata ni Sarah Anne. "Huwag na huwag mong idadamay si Mama! Hindi ako nakikipaglandian—"

"Rhoe Anne, huwag kang bastos! Kumakain tayo!" sigaw ni Auntie Kiana.

That's how my dinner started to become the mocking session of their family. Ang malanding anak ng hapon.

But what's worst? Ano ang bagay na hanggang ngayon ay bangungungot sa akin? That's when Sarah Anne stole my hard-earned craft. Ang pinaghirapan ko simula nang matuto akong magsulat.

My writer's name and my stories— Rowing Anne.

It was raining when Aunt Kiana and Sarah Anne locked me inside my room, to meet the publisher and claim what was mine. The time when I trapped myself with the thought that the rain was not for me— it was always summer, the sun, and the bright sunlight that would make me happy.

***

"Shit," halos sabunutan ko ang sarili ko at pilit pinaniniwala na narito ako sa Japan para hanapin si Papa. But I am here to escape— to be trapped in summer.

I am here for the summer, but why is it raining? Bakit pinaaalala niya ang mga panahong pilit kong tinatabunan ng mga imaheng alam kong magpapaagaan ng aking loob?

I don't love the rain and it's never my tranquility. Sinubukan ko naman paniwalain ang sarili ko, pero bakit paulit-ulit pa rin bumabalik ang mga pangyayaring iyon?

Tumayo na ako sa upuan ko at natagpuan ko na lang ang sarili kong lumalabas ng kuwarto. I want to face the rain, I want to stop these painful memories, and I shouldn't escape.

Tumakbo ako palabas ng kuwarto ko at tuluyang sinalubong ang ulan. I opened my arms as I looked above the dark sky, there for the very first time, I allowed myself to cry hard— bagay na hindi ko hinayaan noon pa man sa dahilan alam kong walang init na yayakap sa akin.

Umiyak ako nang umiyak at hindi na inisip ang mga taong puwedeng makakita sa akin. I drowned myself with the sadness that I tried to bury for years.

I was left alone when I was young, abused, and removed from the right to dream, and be happy.

"R-Rhoe Anne. . ." a trembling voice caught my attention.

Unti-unti kong ibinaba ang tingin ko mula sa madilim na kalangitan at nagtungo iyon sa pamilyar na lalaking may hawak na malaking payong.

"W-What are you doing—" ngunit hindi na niya natapos pa ang anumang sasabihin niya dahil tinulay na niya ang distansyang nakapagitan sa amin.

Bago pa man niya ako tuluyang mahawakan ay higit nang lumakas ang iyak ko. He dropped the umbrella on his hands and he immediately wrapped his arms around me. "Hush. . . what's going on?"

I buried my face in his chest. "I hate the rain, Kousuke. . . I hate it. I thought it was summer. I want the sun. . . I want the sunlight. I want warmth." I begged.

Ramdam ko ang higit na paghigpit nang yakap niya sa akin. "I don't know what's going on, but I promise. . . I'll bring you summer. Every. Fucking. Day. I'll give you summer. After all, I am your summer boyfriend. I am going to be your walking warmth— your summer. Oh god, stop crying, baby."