I keep saying things like I'm a failure and I don't know if I mean it. I mean I know that sometimes I say it and I really do believe it but most do the time I just feel so numb to it. I don't know if I'm a failure. Does it matter? I just want to die. That's the fact that's constantly clear in my head.

And you, you're perfect. You're so perfect and that terrifies me. There's a flaw. There's always a flaw. And it's always big. And it always tears me away from people. Whether it be the fact that you can't communicate or that you don't think I'm a real boy because I don't have a dick or that you don't really think I'm depressed, I'm just saying that for attention. There's always something. And wit you, there is nothing. And it scares me. Because there is always something. Always.

And I've been thinking a lot today. And I felt sad and i went to my friend and she let me cuddle into her and she let me just be and she rubbed my shoulder and just let me be and that meant a lot. Because I finally felt grounded for once. And I need someone who can just do that for me. But all the girls I've dated I've either screwed up with or they're too emotional and they can't communicate. And all the boys I've been with just don't seem to care. They get to uncomfortable around me and I know I fuck things up a lot. And I just feel like shit because I know nobody would be crazy enough to date me. Not now.

Because maybe She was the only one who could tolerate me. And maybe I fucked everything up. Because I'm a slut. That's all there is to it. I like sex, and that makes me a slut now. Because I would go after it if I could. And everyone else holds off.

So maybe I am different. And maybe I do fuck up a lot and maybe I am a fuckinn slut but I can't help it. And sex is the only way I've ever really felt like anyone could love me. And no, I've never had sex, but I've come close. Because all those mini handjobs just made me forget and made me feel alive.

I'm pouring y guys out right now. I'm pouring myself out raw and I know people will never read this shit because iits too goddamn depressing, and you know what? Maybe that's okay. Because it's me. And maybe I'm too numb to give two fucks.

I've been playing a lot of piano too. I learned Natives by Blink-182. That's a really good song. And I'm finishing up learning The Corpse Bride theme and I might play during the actual wedding instead of the reception. And yeah. I don't know.

I feel tired and numb.

You told me not to take it as seriously as I do, but I can't help it. Maybe he is just a piece of shit looking for attention. Maybe I am just gullible. Hell, I know I am. That's oh if the things I feel shittiest about myself.

But I took it more seriously. Because I'm relating to him and I look up to him. And I shouldn't, but I do. Maybe it doesn't even matter. But I don't care.

Maybe I'll go just like he almost did. Not to say that he made me so it. But to show that he almost saved me. Maybe I'll put that in my note when I go out.

Maybe I'm thinking too hard.

Maybe I know that I would never summon the guts to do that. Maybe I would chicken just like he did.

Maybe.

***

I've also been thinking about my gender a lot and shit and I'm pretty sure I'm kind of agender or whatever. Like. I'm a guy, but I don't feel like a guy I guess.

I feel like a personality with traits and shit, but I don't feel like there's much of a difference between male and female. So I don't feel like a guy. I just feel like me I guess. But I want to be seen as a guy. Because I don't like my boobs. Or anything down there. Or anything in general.

I dunno. I was talking to you about this last night. When I went on that stupid rant and I know you won't read this but about the whole "I feel like I'm getting fat". There's a lot more to it than just that. And I'm terrified that you'll leave me if I tell you. Because as soon as I told Preston, he told me I was looking for attention. As soon as I told him he turned on me too.

Maybe I'll tell you someday when

God I'm fucked.