Chateau • 12/10

I got my happy pills back but I'm still depressed. I want to hang out with someone I truly care about. It's hard for me to care. It's so hard for me to care. There are 4 people I truly, truly care about and they're far away. Too far away for me to really know them.

I want to smoke a cigarette without stressing about cancer and anxiety. I want to sit beside that fence that lines the elementary school beside the high school. I want to talk early in the morning when I can still see my breaths in thick clouds and the stars shine high above us. I want to wear ripped skinny jeans and plaid and I want to hang out with that one goth girl from GSA and talk about girls I'll never be interested in. I want to fantasize about a better life. About being a better person.

I want rough sex with someone who isn't a fuckint asshole. I want to puke. I want to listen to Adam's Song. Honestly, Summer Song is in the past now. Pete's an asshole. Probably a homophobe. I wouldn't be surprised.

Either way, I wanna leave this stupid place and find somewhere new. I want car rides and smoky vans. I want to get drunk with my friends, I want rough sex that will never matter no matter how much it breaks my heart.

I'm nostalgic for disaster. I need it back because it fucking defines me. I need something more than these stupid nights alone. I need something more than the same thing in and out. I need something more than surviving on pills and school. I want to live. I want to see bands. I want to meet new people. I want to fall in love.

Is that too much to ask?

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