Dan's POV
I woke up pretty late that morning at the time of 11:30am. I had slept for five and a half hours. This was a long time for me. Usually i would only have 2-3hours sleep because no matter how hard i tried, i was never able to shut my mind down for the night and block out my thoughts. However last night was different because for once in my life i felt so much happier going to bed. The reason for this was because i spoke to a guy named Phil Lester. I felt like i connected with him and for some strange reason i felt like i could trust him which is incredibly insane for me as i'm such a socially awkward person who hates every part of human interaction because i just feel like i am annoying that person or that that person is judging me in some way.

Okay, i didn't tell Phil much about me apart from the fact that i design game covers to earn money to pay my rent but i did tell him that i would explain the reason why i was feeling so trashy last night.
This was definitely my most personal subject to talk about to someone as it is the reason i am such a pessimist and so socially awkward. So i really must trust Phil because no way in hell would i just tell a random person. I haven't even told my family so i guess Phil is in somewhat special and different to anyone i've ever met before. I don't even know how maybe it's because of his kind and loving personality that seemed to seep through the messages he sent me last night.
OMG!! I'm going to have to tell Phil later about my anxiety. Omg!! It's today!! Fuck i'm so nervous.
Oh, well it looks like i have re- entered my mind full of dark thoughts again and left the world that seemed so bright and happy. Oh darn it, i knew it wouldn't last long.
How am i even going to bring it up to him??
Do i wait for him to ask me?? Or do i just tell him because after all he probably is expecting it.
Or maybe if he doesn't bring it up i can just not tell him.

Oh how i would love to munch on some malteasers right now. Maybe it would help distract me from my trails of these thoughts again.
It would seem stupid to order some online from the mall wouldn't it. I don't need anything else because i only just had a delivery two days ago. Ughhh.... I'm not willing to face the public though to get some. I'll just go without.
2 hours later i found myself munching away on Malteasers. Yes i had gone out to the shop to buy some. I had forced myself to do this. As much as i hated going to the shops, Malteasers were the only thing that could really distract me from my thoughts, i guess this was because i could concentrate on the texture, taste and the all round deliciousness.
Why did i have to have social anxiety?? Honestly it drives me nuts. I feel so detached from everything and anything as i walk around outside. I feel as if everything is closing in on me, trapping me and judging me in some way. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. Why me?? The only place i feel safe is in my apartment because i'm alone and i know that nothing could ever judge me or humiliate me in some way. But sometimes it does get a little boring and lonely. I wish i had the confidence to interact with other people. But i guess this how past experiences effect you in the long run. I'm not going to go in to detail on that.

7:35pm
After hours of thinking and munching on Malteasers i decided that i was going to watch a movie to pass the time because i had no work to do today. Thursdays were always quite. I decided upon 'Jurassic Park' , i had watched this movie so so so many times and it never got boring.
I placed the disc in to the dvd player and pressed play. Just as the credits were coming to the end my cell pinged. I jumped at the sudden loud noise. I quickly jumped up from the couch and picked up my phone from the kitchen worktop. Before i looked at who the message was from, i had a feeling it was going to be from Phil and guess what i was right.
A smile reached my lips as i realized it was Phil. It read "Hello x" I stared at it for while buzzing with excitement but also a wave of anxiety as i realized i was probably going to have to explain to Phil about that subject that i hated so much. For now though, i was going to just try my best to ignore it and hope that he doesn't bring it up so i didn't have to tell him.
I replied back with "Hi". This probably looked and sounded awkward but i was an all round awkward guy and i could not help that.
A short while after Phil had replied. I opened up the message and it said:
Phil: "What have you been up to today or what are you going to do?? x"

Ugh... i really hadn't done much at all apart from force myself outside just to pick up a packet of Malteasers to distract me from my thoughts. Wow, how interesting was i?? I decided to tell him a little white lie and tell him i had been designing game covers, which today i actually hadn't done but i figured that it may start a conversation as he seemed pretty interested last night/early morning when i mentioned them. I also asked him what he had been up to too.
Not long after i pressed send, my cell pinged again.

Phil: Wow!! That sounds like fun. I would love to do something like that. Do you enjoy it??
I've just been to work today and played Sims for FIVE WHOLE HOURS when I got back home. Xx

Yayay i was right. I had started a conversation and avoided the topic i most hated and wasn't really ready to tell Phil about yet even though i said i would. I was just going to try and avoid it for as long as i could. Wow!! He plays sims and he played for five whole hours. Gosh, that's insane. I guess it is pretty easy to play for that long though. C'mon i've done it myself plenty of times myself when i was a little younger and had friends and when i wasn't so socially awkward.
I found myself replying very fast to his message.
Dan: "Yeah i do enjoy it actually. It takes my mind of all the dark thoughts in my head. Instead i think about the characters; how they are going to look, the colors and how the characters/ objects are going to appear on the cover. OMG!! FIVE WHOLE HOURS OF PLAYING SIMS!! JEEZ, YOU HAVE AN ADDICTION PHIL LESTER!! I must admit something. Even though i am game fanatic i have never played/ owned a Sims game in my apartment. Is that bad??" Xx

I actually surprised myself with what i put. I had let out two of my secrets. I started to wonder whether Phil would be mad me for not owning a sims game because well he seemed very addicted to it. But yet again that positivity found it's way in to my brain and told me that Phil was not going to be mad at me. I loved how every time i thought Phil was going to be mad at me my brain told me that he wasn't going to be. I just loved it. I wasn't exactly used to it yet but it still felt good. It was amazing to not be full of negativity for once again in my life.
Shortly after my cell pinged again. I was kind of skeptical as there still was a little bit inside of me that thought that Phil could be mad at me but most all i was optimistic for once.
I opened up the message and started to read it.
Phil: "erm... yeah I guess it is bad. It's a bloody crime against the sims and all the other game fanatics out there. You should be ashamed of yourself. Only kidding!! Haha!! Seriously though you really should purchase a sims game especially the Sims 4. That is amazing and the game that is pretty much taking over my life right now. I'm kinda ashamed to admit this but you are right, I have let myself swim the murky depths of The Sims and became an addict yet again.
I'm glad that making your game covers helps to stop you thinking the dark thoughts that seem to linger in your mind because i couldn't stand the fact about you feeling down. If you ever want to talk about them i am always here for you, okay?? Xxx"

As i started reading my heart suddenly sank. He was mad at me. I knew this was to good to be true. Why did i ever think he wasn't going to be?? Ugh.... this is why i should never tell people my secrets. I had kind of finally made a friend after all this years and now i had just gone and ruined it.
A tear slid down my cheek as i read that one sentence. Something that i knew was very very true but it was something i never wanted to hear or see again as it brought back too many memories. Phil had said he was ashamed of me.
At that point tears were streaming down my face. I just wanted to curl up in a ball and hide away forever. I felt more miserable than i had ever been. I was finally finding that little bit of happiness and positivity back in my life when all of a sudden it disappears just as fast as it came, all because of that one word 'ashamed'.
After he put that he said he was kidding
but i just couldn't let that go. The thought of him thinking that then typing it just broke my heart. Knowing him he probably just put "kidding" after it just to try and cover it up and make it seem like it was nothing. I was probably taking this way to seriously but i couldn't help myself. I just always let everything get to me and let that stupid negativity eat me alive. I didn't bother to read the rest of the message, i was to scared to find out what the rest of it said. I didn't think i could cope with it if Phil had said anything else like that to me. I was already shaking and my sweater was soaking wet from all the crying. I decided to reply back. I didn't know what i was going to say. I was just going to type whatever came to mind and press send.
Dan: "Oh, r-right erm.. okay. I-i'm sorry. I should not have told you that. Like i said last night i'm just a failure and a let down. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for existing.

As i read it back myself i just started to cry even more. I sounded like a right mess. I had left the predictive text thing off and had just typed so you could see how i was stuttering as i just simply typed what i said out loud. Ugh.... i even put i was failure and a let down. This was very true. I clearly was a let down because i had thought that Phil liked me. In fact i knew he liked me but when i said i had never owned a sims game well that all changed. He now hates me and is also ashamed of me.
I am a complete failure, why do i even exist??
I checked the time and it read 11:04pm. Phil had not replied. I had sent that message 17 minutes ago. Phil usually answered back quickly. I began to worry then thinking what if he is crying now?? What if he is feeling bad realizing how much it upset me?? What if he still likes me and he wants to sort it out with me but he doesn't know how to because he thinks he has messed up with me forever.
Ugh... i hate life. I cried myself to sleep that night worrying about Phil. I just couldn't stop worrying about him. I just wanted to know if he was okay. I wanted to send him another message to tell him that it was fine and i was okay but i couldn't do it because i was most definitely not feeling okay.

okay so this was Dan's pov from the conversation phil and himself had the night before. I thought it would be a good idea to write Dan's side of it as the conversation didn't go so well.

I'm sorry this took so long to update. It's just there has been a lot of things going on lately and i haven't been feeling that motivated. I'm going to try and upload regularly but it's hard when you have a writers block. Also i'm back at school now and my creative side usually comes out at night time around 11:30 so yeah.
Anyway please comment and vote, it would mean so much to me. Love y'all <3333 Hope y'all had/having/have an awesome day my little munchkins. (i don't know where that came from :P) Goodbyee!! xoxo