looks liek i'm rebranding with lowercase 🌜also. please leave me lots of comments i'm literally so proud of this i think it's my best oneshot yet

"maybe if you were a girl... "

remus rolls over and looks at him. "why does it matter that i'm a boy, pads?" his voice is hoarse from being left unused for so long.

"i can't do that to reg," sirius whispers, and remus knows he's crying even though he can only make out his outline. "he can't have a gay brother."

remus' jaw tightens with the effort of holding in the words he so badly wants to say. it's always him over me. over you.

but he doesn't. last time he said anything sirius had shut down. the walls remus spent years knocking down built back up in one moment. sirius doesn't want to talk, and remus is done begging.

"okay," he whispers. he brings his hand up to sirius' cheek, close enough his hot breaths ghost over remus' lips. his eyes flutter shut, because as soon as this moment is over it all is. it's so tense the air is like tv static and remus could be drowning, if it weren't for sirius' hand clutching his wrist like he's the only thing keeping him grounded. maybe they're drowning together. that would be a better end than this; to sink in each other's arms like two stones. spend forever at the bottom of a lake, untouched by anyone and everyone, unafraid of regulus and walburga and disappointing them.

but they aren't drowning. they're in sirius' bed, too hot and too scared, and for a moment he wishes they were.

remus' stomach twists painfully, so he kisses him. maybe he kisses back, and maybe he doesn't. remus doesn't know. he doesn't need him to. doesn't need him. this is just his goodbye. the static is in his ears, now, and every one of his senses is overwhelmed and he has to do something or he might throw up, so he kisses harder. he's shaking. or maybe that's sirius or both of them, probably. this isn't how their first kiss was supposed to go.

after a minute, or maybe it was ten, remus has to pull away or he knows he'll never be able to. he does, dragging a small gasp from the other boy with him. it makes his stomach clench, and he turns away.

"don't," sirius chokes, his nails digging into remus' wrist. "stay." they both know he only means tonight, only needs tonight. so remus stays.