Pure crowded abyss surrounded me.

My head ringing with loud terrified white noise.

My breath was stolen from me, my consciousness raped from me.

A boa constrictor grappling my body like perfectly crafted twine.

The sting from my nose that rose to my eyes, producing my beg of solace.

For some god DAMN-

Peace.

Seductive evil rippled against me, encouraging a sin i no longer felt longing for. My levels of intimacy damaged, levels of sanity depleting down an endless fall of self pity and disgust. Her thighs were powerful, keeping me in place while my hands felt helpless with emotional constriction. Swaying back in forth in a cloud, in a world no one else understood and lived in. My Mind.

Voices told me of my world, of my feelings, of my reactions and experiences, but they never hit it perfectly. Their insight of my mind was slightly grazing what it truly was with general knowledge and assumption. They didn't know it though, they didn't know my mind like they reassured me every time.

If they understood, this situation would be hard on them too. It wouldn't just be a game, or a test of masculinity. It would be pain suffering WAR.

My hands ripped at my hair, they refused to touch the seductive evil. Mind numbing emotional pain pulsed through my chest and into my head. Images of the past flashing angrily, punishing me for being in this situation when we knew we couldn't handle it. The evil whispered, "you like that don't you?"

I shook my head like a mad man and cried true tears of betrayal.

The snake of a being only kept going, following orders that money called of her. Her body was a disgusting vending machine, she didn't care if the goodie delectable gets stuck on the glass half way down, it will swallow your money and give you what you asked for. A broken shitty vending machine.

My chest heaved and my hips bucked aggressively. She only took it as a sign of arousal, but it was my flight or fight. She reached for my pants to unbuckle them, excited of the promise of extra cash if she was successful of fixing me.

To fix my broken intimacy, with the exact same situation only this time i was doing it to please my fathers suffering heart. But it was still a greedy woman who wanted nothing more but to use my body.

My hands finally moved then, forgetting everything and knocking the danger away. Something that was so hard for me, because the frozen death of fear was my best friend.

"PLEASE DAD!

I can't do it!

Please don't make me!

Don't don't!

Save me...

SAVE ME!"

A six year old me screamed from the bottom of 19 year old heart, my sickening white hands pounded away for escape. He wanted peace too, but he just had to keep reliving that moment of torment with his fathers experimentation and guilt. He resurfaced every week, every Sunday, with a new female to destroy his innocent and already damaged mentality.

A desperate wail left me then, as a sigh of pure defeat echoed from my fathers mouth, behind the very door he hid behind. To hide his guilt that he couldn't save his son.

I sank to the floor, my body hugging the wood I longed to squash me to oblivion.

My pitiful life left me there with that seductive evil to comfort me out of the fear she would not be paid accordingly.

It was never about me...

But of everyone's else's desire and needs.