Louis' POV

I am still at the hospital. I want to leave. Well, I think I want to leave, but I can't. Something is holding me here. I don't know if it is the last words he spoke before the drugs took him under, or whether it is because of something else. I was so shocked when he said he still loved me. I never would have thought he did. He seemed as though he didn't all those years ago after the incident. He never spoke to me again and barely even looked at me. That hurt more than any blow I had received. 

After I left to go to another school my senior year, I went through so much. I nearly committed suicide 3 different times. The first time my mom found me. It was not long after I had finally left Harry behind. The second time was about 4 years ago. I was seeing Harry everywhere. He was in magazines, newspapers, he was on a fucking billboard, and he was on television sometimes. He was very successful and I was very proud of him, but it felt like a stab in the back. He had just moved on and was not affected by anything. Everything I had believed proved true to me seeing him moving forward. I was crushed. How could he be doing so well while I am still dying in side?

Sure I had a great job working as a criminal psychologist with the FBI, but I was miserable. I still wanted Harry so bad but he never seemed as if he wanted me again. All I saw were his smiles and pap pics of him going out on dates and happy things of that nature. I could not even stand to let anyone touch me. All I did was thought about him as much as I tried not to. That all began to somewhat change a couple of weeks later.

I went out to a club with my friends and got pissed. I ended up going home with a guy and that started a downward spiral of drinking, one night stands, and eventually drugs. I was bad. My mom and my friends, after about 3 months of promising to stop and try to do better to no avail, snatched me up and put me into rehab. That helped me so much. It changed my life. Well, for the moment.

When I left rehab 6 months later, I got a job with the FBI. I had to go through a lot and when I finally got the job, it was rigorous but I enjoyed it. It left me little time to think about my problems. I still wasn't trying to date anyone and I was fine being alone. I still thought of Harry often but I could deal with it even though it still hurt so much. 

Everything was going so well for me and I thought I could finally move on. It had been about 7 months since I left rehab and I was stable. I had a strong support system of friends and family and I couldn't have asked for anything more. That is, until the day it came crashing down again. It was Harry. He was dating a woman named Fiona and he looked so happy. The story said they had been dating for 6 months and that it seemed one of the most eligible bachelor's had finally found his true love. I cracked. All I wanted was to die all over again. So I made a plan.

It was finally time to put my plan into action. I was swimming in a public pool. Me and a couple of friends were just mostly messing about and only doing a bit of swimming. They decided to head home after a couple of hours but I stayed. I had to carry out my plan.

The pool area began to get a bit empty around 7 pm. I decided to take one last swim. I swam around the pool one last time thinking over the events of my life. So much had happened. All my thoughts led back to Harry. I still loved him so much but I was tired. I was tired of letting thoughts of him run circles around my life. Especially the knowing he moved on and didn't want me anymore. I had to make it stop; all the hurt and all the pain.

I got out of the water and sent texts to the group chat I had with my friends to have a few lasts laughs, as well as sending texts to my family just to say I love you to them one last time. I had thought about this over and over. I didn't want to live anymore. The pain was too much and I could not escape it no matter how hard I tried.

With one final look around and one last thought of my family, friends, and lastly Harry, I slipped into the deep end of the pool trying to go unnoticed by the few remaining swimmers.

As my lungs began to become strained, I thought of Harry. I thought of my family and friends. I thought of Harry again. I thought of how everyone would feel when they found out about what I had done. I thought of Harry again. As my eyes began to flutter closed it was Harry I saw behind my eyelids. He was just standing by watching me like he did that day so long ago.

Just as I felt I was about to black out, strong arms wrapped around me and pulled me out. I began to scream, "No! Let me die please. I want to die!" I kicked and screamed as I was pulled to the surface and out of the water. That was when I saw him. He was so handsome. I couldn't stop staring at him. He had the most beautiful poutie lips, short curly hair just over his ears, and he had green eyes with what appeared to be gold flecks in them. He was breathtaking. Harry.

Just then I noticed his mouth was moving. "Excuse me? I'm sorry. Could you repeat that," I asked him still a bit out of breath but not only from near drowning. "I was asking if you were ok. I am Josh Devore," he said to me. Not Harry I thought as i shook my head clear. I was disappointed. "I'm ok," I responded to him. "I am Louis. Louis Tomlinson." 

"Well Louis, I think you need to stay out of the deep end, yeah?" he said with a bit of an amused tone. Although this was not the time for joking about, I found my self smiling and nodding my head.

From that day Josh and I became friends. We spent quite a bit of time together when we were not working. I had quit working with the FBI after my last breakdown. I worked at a local dance studio and he was a lifeguard at the public pool as well as a bartender at a local pub at night. After about three months of being friends, and a whole lot of flirting, he finally asked me out. At first I said no because I found myself comparing him to Harry so much and I couldn't stop it. He reminded me so much of Harry in physical features, but his personality was nowhere near his. He didn't do things like Harry did. He was not as witty, he didn't have the beautiful laugh Harry had, he wasn't as beautiful, and he didn't make me feel like Harry did. that is just the short list of differences I found in them. However, at least I wouldn't be alone. Besides, having Harry was out of the question and I was tired of being alone. I had someone I enjoyed being with and I was happier than I had been in a long time. So I agreed to the date.

Everything was going well for the first few months of us dating. Neither of us were in a rush for full on sex, but we did other things. At first I couldn't because I had only been with Harry and memories would always come flooding back. I would always tell Josh it was just memories from a bad time in my life. I could never tell him I was thinking of my ex. Finally, one day I decided to just go for it.

We were having a movie night and we were watching a romcom. I snuggled in close to him. He was a good five inches taller than me, so I fit snuggly into his side. He leaned his head over onto the top of my head. After a few minutes, I slowly turned and straddled his lap and we just sat looking into each other's eyes for a bit. I slowly leaned in. The kiss started off slow and it felt so good. I slowly began to grind down on him. He let out a low groan whispering, "Baby." Taking that as a good sign, I began to grind down harder and kissed down his jaw onto his neck. He held his head back and continued to moan and grunt as he ground up on me to meet my hips. It felt so good. I had not had this feeling in so long. Not since him.

As we got closer to our climax we began to speed up and become a bit more aggressive. It had been years since I had been this intimate with someone and I felt like I was floating away a bit. "Ah, fuck babe," I said pulling Josh in for another kiss as I grinded down even harder. "Fuck, I'm gonna cum babe. Ah!" I squeaked out and regrettably screamed Harry's name as I looked into Josh's eyes. I went placid as well as Josh. I was mortified. I could not believe I let that slip.

I tried to explain to him but he wouldn't listen. He got up, went to the bathroom to clean himself up, and then he left my flat. I did not hear from him for almost a month. I was devastated. Not long after he left me, I saw on the entertainment news that Harry was dating someone called Carrie Woods. They had a lot of pics on the screen of their night out. He looked so happy. He looked as if everything was ok and he was living life to the fullest. If only I knew then what I know now, maybe there would have been another chance for us. Sadly now, it is too late.

I called Josh for the thousandth time and he finally answered. I began to apologize profusely. Harry was the furthest from my mind for the first time in years. I pleaded with Josh to meet me and for us to try again. I wanted him. I really did. He made me happy. That is all I ever wanted. Someone I could fall in love with that would make me happy. I was not in love with Josh, far from it actually, but I believed it would come soon enough.

The next time we were intimate, it was beautiful. I did not have one thought of Harry. Not even when we made love for the first time two months later. Josh was so loving, and he was so careful with me. He told me he loved me that night. I said it back to him after a bit of thought. Little did he know, I never meant it. Everything was going well for us and time flew by. We were so close it was as if he could read my thoughts.

We moved in together after about a year and a half when he asked me to marry him. We had a beautiful two bedroom flat. I was so overjoyed. I had fallen in love with this man and I was so thankful for him. He helped me get over my past completely and I had finally moved on. Or so I thought. Now, I know better.

Not long after, I heard about the auditions for the new movie that Jayzon Blummer was getting dancers for. Josh encouraged me to go. I never told him about Harry being my ex. I didn't think it was necessary. Neither of us had ever spoken about our past relationships. So I didn't feel I needed to now.

I was so nervous when I first got to the club. I was outside for nearly five hours when I first got there before I was able to go in for my tryout. The first 3 were spent sitting in my car trying to prepare myself for this. I knew this was Harry's club and that he was part of this whole process. So, it was a fact I would see him and he would see me. I had to talk myself up mentally before I could open the door to my car. Finally, I got out and made my way to the line. It was about 8:30 pm now and I was ready.

When I finally got in, I looked around in awe. The club was beautiful. Harry had really outdone himself. It was way better than what he had envisioned all those years ago. I was so happy to see that he had lived out his dream. I remember how we would talk for hours on end about our dreams. When he told me he wanted to have one of the most successful clubs in LA, I was a bit shocked. Everything we had drawn out together was here. The way the setup was would different from your average club. It looked more amazing than anything we could have drawn or ever imagined. I was so happy for him. I just wished things were different so we could have been living our dreams together. I wished I had known he still wanted to. Oh well. Too late now.

When I finally began to dance, I could feel so many eyes on me. I knew Harry was watching me. However, I knew he could not tell who I was or he would turn away. When I finally got the call that Mr. Styles wanted me for a call back I nearly fainted. Not because it was Harry, but because I got a call back. Also, it was kind of flattering how he wanted the man to let me know that I was his pick. "If only he knew who I was," I thought to out loud myself. I wonder if I would have still got the call back if he knew.

It was requested that I stay and dance until the end so I did. I was a bit flushed by the time it ended. However, I became even more flushed when I was told I had to go up to Mr. Styles' office. Well, that is until I looked up and Harry noticed it was me. His face paled and my heart sank. It had been almost nine years since we had seen each other. I kind of understood his surprise, but to look completely sick hurt me a bit.

By the time I got to his office, I was surprised he was not there. I saw the other door and Jayzon began to buzz the intercom to get him to come out but Harry ignored him. I wanted to cry. I began to tell Jayzon a bit about my past while answering questions he had for me. I couldn't stop the few tears that I shed. Luckily, it was nothing like it would have been if I had never met Josh. He had helped me to move beyond my past. Even though, right now, it was coming back and crashing into me like waves.

Soon, the meeting was over and I was asked to return the next night for the auditions as well as on Friday for the call back. Jayzon felt having me there would make people up their dance game and bring out their best. He said I was like a professional and one of the best he had ever seen. I was very flattered. He rode down in the lift with me but I couldn't get Harry off my mind. I wanted to see him so bad. I still felt drawn to him. I knew he was there and I could not leave without seeing him. I needed to get it over with. 

When I went to the bar to grab a quick drink, the dj told the crowd he would be back soon. He put on some prerecorded mixes and made his way up to Harry's office. Not long after, I saw Harry stand and walk towards the man. I quickly turned away and decided to give them some privacy. I couldn't really see anything, as they went to the couch. After about half and hour, I decided to go up to his office again. If he was busy or talking privately, I would see him another time.

What I heard when I stepped off the lift and approached the office door had me shook a bit. I could clearly hear a deep grunting noise and I could hear Harry moaning and saying my name faintly. I didn't know what to do. I wanted to leave but I couldn't. He said my name multiple times and I thought I could hear him apologizing to me and sobbing even though I was not in there. i could tell he was in physical pain from the near screams that were slipping from his mouth. 

Once everything silenced after I heard the other guy shouting Harry's name, I felt sick. Then I heard Harry tell the guy to suck him off. Apparently he didn't come. Harry was groaning and moaning but it didn't sound like pleasure. He was still apologizing and saying my name. I was at a loss. Why would Harry continue calling out my name while he was being pleasured by someone else. I assumed he never thought about me and had moved on. Oh well.

When I finished my inner thoughts I heard the guy asking him who I was because Harry had been calling out to me. Harry did not answer. I heard the guy pressing the lift button and noticing it was there, he opened the door. "Who is Louis?" He asked Harry with no response again. "I am," I said as I stepped into the door way. Blue slowly met green. Harry pointed at me and the guy looked over at me. Harry was trying to close his zipper while standing there staring at me with his mouth agape, tear stains on his cheeks, and looking like he was seeing a ghost. However, when our eyes met he began to shake. He reached out trying to grab hold of the other guy in the room to prop himself, but there he got nothing but air. The guy tried to catch him but he failed and Harry hit the floor. He was out.

"What the fuck just happened?" The guy asked me. I could only stand there in complete shock. I didn't know what to think. Why did this happen? I could tell just from that moment that Harry was not as "ok" as I thought he was. We called for an ambulance and the guy I had learned was called Zayn said he couldn't leave because he had to get back to the booth but he would be there as soon as he could. I slowly agreed to go against my better judgement. I didn't want my presence to cause Harry anymore stress but now I would just have to live with that possibility.

When we arrived at the hospital, Harry was still out. He woke about half an hour later. The doctor went in to speak with him and they sedated him again. They told me he would be out for a bit, but I could go in if I wanted. I decided to go to the cafeteria for a tea and maybe some type of sandwich or pastry. I was a bit hungry. When I got back, Harry was still out of it and Zayn had still not arrived.

About two hours later, Harry woke up. He looked around the room and he had not noticed me yet. Finally, he turned his head to the opposite side and saw me. Panic arose on his face again. He thought I wanted to hurt him and yelled for help while apologizing profusely to me. I hugged him tight and he slowly calmed down. Then nothing. We were both silent for a while. He kept opening his mouth to speak but nothing came out. Finally he merely said, "So." I gave a small, "Yeah," in response. Shortly after things took a turn. I began to talk about our past as he listened intently. He never spoke as I asked, but he began to sob terribly. His body was shaking and I was afraid but I couldn't stop. I began to yell as I became angry with the situation all over again. He was not taking it well.

As I began to talk about not having closure and how I had still loved him, he looked at me in shock through his tears. My breathing was erratic and I was beginning to feel a bit lightheaded. However, I needed to say everything I had in me to say. When I told him about Josh, he seemed like he wanted to die. His face lost all of its color again and he just stared at me with his mouth opening and closing. I am not sure what he wanted to say, but he seemed to be genuinely surprised I had moved on. It was a very awkward moment for me.

After a bit of silence, Harry began to talk. He talked about when we first met and a few other things. It did bring tears to my eyes but I tried to suppress my emotions as best as I could. I had moved on and I should not be crying over lost love. I didn't understand why it affected me so much. Then he called me Blue. I was dying on the inside, but he quickly took it back when I looked at him and he realized his slip up. I had to keep up my walls. I couldn't let him back in at all. I had to keep him at a distance.

He continued on talking about our first time. It was so beautiful as I thought of the memories. Harry was so gentle with me. I have never had another touch as soft as his. I found myself wanting it again but I had to pull myself back. I had turned a bit in my chair so I would not be facing him anymore. Small tears crept down my face out of my control. I tried to hide them but I know he saw. He made a comment about his friends questioning him about us the day before they did what they did to me. I basically accused him of telling them about us and he said he would never do that. I responded in a question saying, "But you would let them kill me though?" He didn't speak again. He let his words end there for now.

I told him after a brief silence that seemed like forever that I had to go. I chuckled a bit at something he said, I can't really remember what it was now. He then said he missed my laugh and began talking again as I stood by the door. He then started saying he loved me still. I was so shocked. He apologized for what happened and said that he had been through hell these past years. He told of his failed relationships, his medications, the nightmares, and all of this is still going on. He talked about when he saw me again at school after the incident. He said he wanted to talk to me but he felt I deserved better.

I could see the pain in his eyes as he spoke. He then began screaming asking me why he allowed something so terrible to happen to me. He began to panic and started to yell, thrashing around in the bed. Luckily, he had restraints on so he couldn't hurt himself. He looked like a madman and I felt so bad that he could not let the past go and it was doing this to him. I began to sob. Seeing him like this broke me again.

I ran over to him trying to soothe him but it was not working completely. Then a nurse and his doctor came in and began putting something in his drip. When he noticed, he stared then looked back to me. Once they were done and out of the room, he told me my eyes were beautiful and he wishes he could gaze at them forever. Tear. He said I was his first and would be his only love. More tears. He then said that he hoped Jeff treated me well and didn't mess things up like he did. I didn't correct him on Josh's name as it wasn't important at the moment.He told me to look in his jacket pocket as he began to drift to sleep and when I did, I nearly fell over. Sobs. It was a picture taken while we were out on our first date. He said he carried this picture in his pocket everyday for the past 9 years since I left. I died inside.

Then he said something that shook me to the core. He said that he would pay for all the pain I went through and that he would make everything right. He said he was a coward with saving my life but he wouldn't be with taking his own. I was confused and so afraid for him now. I was concerned as to why he felt he needed to end his life for what happened to me in the past. It wasn't his to pay for and nothing is worth a life. Especially his.

He was falling asleep fast from the med's in his drip. I shook him trying to keep him awake. I had to know why. I was so afraid I began to yell to him and beg him to tell me why. He only said, "I love you Lou. I will make it right." Then he fell asleep.

I fell in the chair and watched his sleeping body as I sobbed. I knew he would do it. I knew. He had the same look I had when I felt that way. He wanted to die. Even if he didn't say it outright. I can tell by the way he was tonight that he was not the same as he was back then. He is a completely different person. He is so panicky, anxious, and apparently depressed. Also, he would never let anyone fuck him. He is so dominant and he allowed himself to  be basically tortured. I was looking at a completely broken man. He seemed liked he  had gone through a continuous beating for the past 9 years and it was still going on now.

I felt so guilty. He has been struggling to hold it together all these years, and then I come and break him completely. I thought everything was great. He made his happiness seem so real but it couldn't have been further from the truth. "I have to help him," I thought to myself. I have to. I will have to explain everything to Josh, but I have to help him. I just hope Josh understands. I can't let Harry hurt himself. He doesn't deserve that. What's done is done and over. Everyone has paid their dues for that. Even me.

I can't imagine how I can help him. One thing I do know is that I can't be in a world where there is no Harry. It would break me. One thing I realized tonight, even though I never thought of it in almost the past two years, is that I still love this man. I still love Harry. Now what am I going to do. Fuck.

Notes

Thank you to all who are reading the story. Again it means a lot to me. I decided to give you a view into how Louis is feeling about all he heard from Harry. Sorry the update is a day late. I had a very eventful day yesterday and I was unable to post. However, it is up now so all is not lost. Please like and comment. I would really appreciate feedback from you guys! I will also be starting another story. I haven't quite got anything solid yet, but once I do I will let you know. Love you all!!

Also, please excuse any mistakes. Every time I post it is correct, then words seem to get changed after posting it. It is weird really... LOL!!

Question of the week: What do you think about Louis still confessing he still loves Harry? Do you think he will tell him?