It was Louis. Fuck my life.

My heart began to race as blue met green once again. It had been so long since I had seen Louis last. My breathing picked up drastically and I could see Jayzon eyeing me suspiciously from the corner of my eye. I couldn't speak. I was very nervous as to what would happen when he reached my office.

As Louis entered the lift to my office, I could feel eyes on me. Liam was looking at me with his mouth agape and confusion written all over his face. Liam was the only one who knew about Louis and I as well as what happened. That was a major turning point in my life. It was the longest relationship I have ever been in and actually been in love, yet it is the only relationship I didn't count.

Flashback

I was walking on my way to homeroom with one of my mates, Josh Peters, when I heard it. Someone was in the bathroom screaming and begging for mercy. I could hear some of my so called friends laughing and shouting mean, homophobic things at someone. Sure, I was part of their crowd, but I never hurt anyone. I just went along with it. Being popular meant being a certain way, even though I did not agree with most of what they did. I did just enough to stay with the in-crowd and that was it. I never thought to want to fit in with that crowd would change me forever.

I pulled Josh along with me to the bathroom to see what was going on. My best mates, Lukas and Troy were holding a boy upside down over the toilet ready to dunk him again. They had beaten him and he was bloody and wet. He looked so afraid. His clothes were torn and he looked about ready to pass out. His eyes looked at me pleadingly as I opened my mouth to speak. He didn't want me to say anything. What would my mates think? I could have stopped it, but I didn't. I let them continue to beat him and dunk him in the toilet. I tried drowning out his screams begging them to let him be. I couldn't.

Josh joined in, but I couldn't. He continued to stare at me. I had to look away as Troy slammed his face on the toilet bowl and then dipped him again. This time, they weren't bringing him up. I looked on in horror as the boy struggled to get free. I began to scream and told them to bring him up. His body was lifeless. They just dropped him on the floor like he was trash. They laughed and looked at me and said, "This is what happens to fags, Harry." I choked back a sob and watched my friends walk away. I knew they would never speak to me again.

I ran over to the boy and tried to help him. "Louis. Babe! I am so sorry. Please open your eyes for me love. Please baby. Don't leave me, please." I screamed as I wrapped him in my arms. I was so stupid to think he would still be mine if he made it through this. I was sobbing and crying so hard I could hardly see or breathe. I began to scream for help. Finally, after what felt like forever, someone entered. I heard him gasp and he ran for help. When the ambulance got there I told the paramedic everything that happened. All the guys were handcuffed and taken to jail. So was I. I deserved. I let my boyfriend of almost two years and the love of my life get beaten right in front of me. I want to die.

My mother was so disappointed when she found out why I was in jail. I don't understand how I could have been so stupid. I was afraid. Yeah. That's what it was. Plus, Louis didn't want me to say anything. So I didn't. However, there was no excuse. I didn't know if the my boy was alive or dead. I wanted to see him and make sure he was alright. I wanted to apologize and ask him if he could ever forgive me. What I wanted most was to tell him I loved him even if I was too afraid to show it publicly. I didn't see him for another year. When I did he was not the same.

End Flashback

Just before the lift opened, I ran. I ran into my private office as fast as I could. I couldn't be near Louis after what I had, well hadn't done. I had seen him a couple of times after he returned to school the next year, but he never spoke to me. There was always this look of hurt on his face whenever he caught eyes with me. The bubbly boy I had fallen in love with was now a shell of himself and I could have prevented it, but I didn't.

I still have nightmares of that day in my junior year of high school. I was only 16 years old and Louis was 15. He was skipped forward a year because of his exceptional grades. However, after that day nothing was the same again. Not only did it change him, it changed me also. I remember all the nightmares and panic attacks I had while I was locked up. I had to be sedated in the medical ward so many times. They put me on medication because they thought I was going a bit mental and they were afraid I would hurt myself. If only they knew my thoughts.

I almost succeeded one night, but I was caught and rushed to the hospital. I spent 2 weeks in a psych ward before they let me leave. I was now on better medication and I could deal with things a lot better. I only had to keep myself drugged up on these med's so I wouldn't crack. My prison sentence gave new meaning to "hard time" with all I was going through. Although, it was not nearly enough time to heal my heart. I was sentenced to 9 months in jail for not stopping the fight and 1 year of probation upon release. I felt like they just gave me a slap on the wrist. I felt I deserved so much more.

Tony got 1 year in jail and 3 years probation for bullying and kicking Louis after he was already unconscious. He didn't participate any further than that. Josh got 3 years in jail and 5 years probation for joining in the final moments of the beating, bullying, and his hate rant to Louis in the courtroom. Lukas got 7 years probation and 12 years in jail for bullying and attempted murder. That leaves Troy. Troy was the one who initiated the beating. He dragged Louis into the bathroom and began to beat him on his own at first before Lukas joined in. Troy also dunked Louis the final time alone after slamming his head against the bowl. For his crimes he received 16 years in jail and 9 years probation for bullying and attempted murder. 

I sat inside my office waiting. I don't know what I was waiting for. However, when I heard it, I knew. "I was sent up to see a Harry Styles?" a soft voiced said. I knew it was Louis. The hurt and pain all rushed me at once. I was reliving what happened all over again. I began to panic. I couldn't breathe. That was when I realized, I didn't take my pills this morning.

I don't know how I could have been so stupid. I have had the same routine for the past 8 years. Get up, wonder why I woke up again to this dreadful life, bathe, have breakfast, take my pills, and go to work. This is the first time I slipped without knowledge. Now I am paying for it the day I see Louis again after 9 years. Fuck my life.

Jayzon started calling out to me, but I couldn't go out there. How could I face him knowing what I allowed happen to him? He was the love of my fucking life, and I allowed those bastards I called friends to nearly kill him while I watched. I was not going out there. Fuck that shit. I am afraid to look in Louis' eyes. What I see could finish off what's left of me. I started to feel light-headed and I had to sit down. I needed my pills. I frantically searched through my desk drawers. Then I realized they were in my main office. I was fucked.

Jayzon continued to knock on the door and I continued to ignore it. Finally, he gave up and I could hear him now talking to Louis, going ahead with the meeting. Louis sounded ecstatic to hear that he could possibly be receiving a leading role. "You are a great dancer. I have never seen anyone dance so well and not be professional. Did you study dance in college?" Jayzon asked. Louis must have shaken his head no because Jayzon asked how did he get so good. His answer crushed me.

"I went through a lot in my junior year of high school. I was almost killed by some homophobic assholes. There was one guy," I heard him sniffle, "who did nothing to me, but he stood there and watched his friends nearly kill me. He was my boyfriend. Our relationship was a secret. His friends found out somehow, and that is why I was being beaten. Even though they knew we were together, I would never admit it, so I didn't call out to my boyfriend as he watched me being beaten. I just looked at him hoping he wouldn't intervene until my head was slammed against a toilet and then they drowned me in the bowl. Literally. Luckily, I revived by the paramedics." I could hear Jayzon saying he was sorry for what happened. I was a sobbing mess and I was so glad this room was soundproof.

"So is that when you started dancing?" Jayzon asked. "After the incident, I went back to school when I was well enough. It had been about 6 months. When the one I thought loved me returned about 6 months after, he never spoke a word to me. My senior year, I moved schools because I couldn't face him again. It felt weird. I had been told it was because of him I lived. I always held hope that things would be fine between us now and that we wouldn't have to hide anymore. However, when he returned he completely abandoned me. All he did was look at me. I just couldn't go through another year of that. He took a deep breath and continued saying, "I decided to take up dance when I graduated high school. I went to uni, but my major was Criminal Psychology. I took a few dance lessons on the side, but I couldn't afford to keep it up with school expenses as well. So, I taught myself." Jayzon gasped and replied, "Well, you are one hell of a teacher." Louis laughed and it was the most beautiful sound. I missed it.

I was a complete mess in the next room. He still loved me and wanted me. I never thought that could be. I thought he would want to be as far away from me as possible. I have so much regret in my heart right now. All I wanted was to take him in my arms and tell him how much I loved him and how sorry I was, but I didn't. We were together for almost 2 years when our lives changed forever. I am so glad he was able to move on. I couldn't.

Jayzon was wrapping up the meeting and getting the last of the information he needed from Louis. He told him he would still like for him to come back tomorrow and dance a bit and also that he definitely had to come back on Friday. I don't know how I would make it through these next two days. Not to mention the filming of the movie, since I would be present for that as well. I have to be sure I never forget my medication again that is for sure.

I heard the meeting wrapping up and I was so happy. I needed my pills. I had calmed down quite a bit listening to Louis talk about how well he was doing. I was happy to hear that he had moved on and made something out of his life. I was glad he put the past behind him and moved forward instead of moving forward and taking it with him like I did. My life was a wreck and it was all my fault. One mistake can definitely change your life.

I heard the lift open and the talking stopped so I assumed they were gone. I finally got up the nerve to look through the security camera to check if my office was clear. I didn't see anyone so I got a drink of water and walked out, trying to remain as calm as possible. I sat down at my desk and thought about Louis. I could smell the faint scent he left in the room. He smelled of strawberries and vanilla. He always used to smell so good back when we dated. He was so beautiful. He always had a beautiful smile when we were together. Even though I had to pretend I didn't know him in school. He never complained. He loved me. Then when he needed me most I let him down.

I heard the lift coming up again and I began to panic. I thought Louis was coming back, but when I checked the cam it was Zayn. It was just approaching 2 am. Our time had passed, so why was he coming up. When the life opened, he gave me a small smile. "Hi," he said looking at me with a smirk. If only he knew what was going on in my head. "I was wondering if you still wanted to hook up." I could not believe my ears. Could he not see my distressed state. I shook my head. "Oh. I thought you could use something to help you relax. You looked a bit tense as that guy was coming up. Then you disappeared," He replied. I could not agree more. I knew this was not a time for sex, but I needed some relief and Zayn was all I had. I stood up from my desk and grabbed Zayn around his waist. I slammed our lips together in a bruising kiss trying to forget the past hours. I slowly walked him to the couch and laid him down. "Don't you want to go into the other office like we normally do," he asked me. I didn't listen. I just began to rip his clothes off.

I began to kiss down his neck while removing my clothes. Sex between us was always rushed, but never like this. I was desperate. I needed to forget. I couldn't take the images in my head. "I want to fuck your mouth," I told Zayn and he looked at me and dropped to his knees. He opened his mouth and I shoved my dick in his mouth and began snapping my hips quickly. Zayn just took it as always. He sputtered a few times, but I kept going. After a couple of minutes, I pulled out and began to stroke him. "I want you to fuck me tonight. I want it to hurt. I want it to burn. I need it to be punishing." I told him. He went to protest, surprised by my request, but I got on my knees and simply said, "no prep." It was not that we had never done anything like this, but it was the first time it was being done to me. I needed this. I deserved to feel pain and bleed just as Louis did. 

"Give it to me like I give it to you, Zayn!" I yelled as he stood there doing nothing. "with 10 seconds in between instead of 30." I could tell he was hesitant about doing it at first because I hardly ever bottomed, but he eventually complied. He tried to go in slowly to relieve some of the pain, but I merely pushed back and we both let out a loud groan. Mine was actually more of a scream. It hurt. It hurt like hell. I deserved it. My legs were trembling and tears pricked my eyes, but I held them back. He didn't move so I began to ride back on him so he would.

I was in so much pain but I begged him to go harder and faster. I had to grab hold to the arm of the couch to ground myself. The chair was steadily moving across the floor as Zayn reached forward and began to cut off my air for the first 30 seconds. 10 seconds of breath, 30 seconds without. It made it so much worse. After about the third time, I didn't cry out anymore. I deserved this. I deserved this pain. I had even slipped on a cock ring to cause myself even more pain when I braced myself on the chair for Zayn to take me. "I'm gonna cum Harry, fuck," Zayn said breathlessly. Not too long after he pulled out, removed the condom, and spread his cum on my ass. I fell limp on the chair. "Suck my cock, Zayn, and don't stop until I say so," I said to him. He went to remove the cock ring and I would not allow him to. He fell to his knees and took me in his mouth. I was so sensitive and the pain and pleasure mix was becoming overwhelming.

I was nearly screaming from the sensations going through my body. It was complete torture but I didn't want it to end. I deserved this pain for being a coward today and in my past. Sunddenly, as it seemed I was near blacking out, Zayn pulled off and started speaking. "Harry, are you alright man," Zayn asked. "Why are you crying? What happened?" I felt my face and sure enough, I had tears streaming down. "Please, just leave me alone now Zayn," I begged him as I tried to sit my aching body upright against the back of the chair. He got dressed and called for the lift. As he turned away he asked, "Who is Louis?" I froze. Why would he ask that I thought as the lift came to a stop at my office? "You called his name out and kept saying how sorry you were over and over again." He said and I was stunned. I didn't even know I was speaking. I thought I was just lost in my head, taking another punishment for what I had done all those years ago and for being a coward tonight. I didn't respond and he called to me asking me again as I slipped off the cock ring off with a loud hiss, "Who is Louis?"

As I opened my mouth to respond, I never got the chance. "I am," was heard from the lift. I froze up. It was him. He never left. As I stood and pulled my pants back on, he stepped out. Fuck, I didn't take my pill! Before I could do anything I heard him say my name with confusion laced in his voice. I tried to keep my head down and not look at him because I knew I would crack. I need my pill to be able to deal with this but it was too late now. As Zayn called my name loudly, my head snapped up. Right beside him was Louis and I could not help but let my eyes snap over to him and blue met green for the second time tonight. I couldn't breathe and I began to panic. I reached out for Zayn but caught hold of nothing but air. The last thing I remember is Zayn screaming my name and Louis standing with his mouth open in shock as everything went black.

Flashback (somewhat)

"Babe," Louis called out for me. I ran into the room and saw him spread out on my bed. I crawled up and kissed him before lying beside him. I loved him so much. I gathered him in my arms and pulled him close. He was my world. I could not think of what my life would be like without him. I didn't want to. I was in love with Louis and he was all I needed. I placed light kisses on his forehead until he fell asleep. (flashback ends) 

Suddenly, everything got blurry and we were back at school in the bathroom. Louis was being dunked in the toilet and slapped on the wet skin of his face when he was brought up. I was so scared. I began screaming for them to stop. I couldn't move. I kept screaming for him. I begged them to stop. Josh kicked him in his stomach and he vomited. Louis screamed for me to help him. He called out to me. When he said my name everything stopped and seemed to fast forward. We are now in a church. It seems to be a funeral. I know there is no one in our family that has passed so this was strange to me. I began to walk down to view the body and noticed I was in handcuffs and my feet were shackled. The policemen escorted me to the front. As I approached the casket, my heart dropped and I began to scream. It was Louis. 

"No, no, no, no, no!" I began to chant. As I went to turn away, I heard Louis call my name. It couldn't be. He was dead. Presumably because of me. I turned slowly to see Louis sitting up in the casket. His eyes were black holes and his skin was pale. "This is all your fault, Harry. I loved you and you let me die. Why didn't you save me, Harry? Why?" he kept repeating over and over again. All I could do was repeat I am sorry over and over again. I was screaming it and sobbing into my hands. I fell down on my knees as Louis began to come out of the casket towards me. I looked around and everyone had vanished. There was only me and a supposedly dead Louis approaching me slowly with both his hands out as if to grip my neck.

When he got in front of me, he grabbed my neck and began to choke me. "I will let you feel what I felt." He said to me in a venomous voice. My neck began to burn. When he released me, my body was suddenly engulfed in excruciating pain. I cried out. The pain and hurt in my heart were unbearable. Tears streamed down my face as my body received bursts of gut-wrenching pain. I reached out to Louis to help me and he backed away. "Now you feel what I felt." Is all he said before everything went black. Again.

I gasped and sat up in the bed. The bright light blinding me. I took in my surrounding and realized I was not in my room. I was in the hospital. All the events of the night came rushing back to me and I began to cry. Soon the doctor came in along with a nurse and gave me sedatives to calm me down. I was strapped down to the bed because I was kicking and they wanted to make sure I stayed safe. "What happened?" I asked the doctor once the medicine kicked in. "You went into shock and passed out, Mr. Styles, and an ambulance was called. Now you are here." The doctor replied. "Now we need you to get some rest. You apparently had a terrible nightmare just now. You were kicking and screaming before you awoke. We left to retrieve this medication and you were awake when we came back in just now. We think you have had a mental breakdown. We have to run more test to be sure. You will be here for a few hours. For now, we need you to rest." I nodded my head to the doctor and drifted off to sleep shortly after I was left alone, thinking of Louis.

When I woke from my nap, I groaned. I blinked my eyes rapidly to adjust to the light. A typical morning I thought to myself. Once I opened my eyes, I looked around the room noticing I was still in the hospital. When I looked to my left, I nearly died. My heart monitor started beeping rapidly. My breath got short and I began to sweat. Louis was sat beside my bed watching me. I could not run and hide. I had to stay there strapped down to the bed with the only person I ever loved looking at me with an unreadable expression on his face. I closed my eyes hoping I was dreaming, but when I opened them he had moved and was standing near the bed. "Hello Harry," he said. I knew I had to face my demons and there was nothing I could do to escape this time. Saying I was scared as all hell is such an understatement. 

Fuck my life!

NOTES

Well guys, I decided to post early. I am so excited for this story. So maybe I will be posting early sometimes. My normal post date will be Saturday. I may still post again tomorrow, but I am not sure. I am writing this from scratch. There is no outline. It is just me and my laptop. I prefer writing like this.

Anyway, pls like and comment. I would appreciate it. I just want to know how many like my story. I think it is going pretty well, yeah? One more thing, as for the 2nd flashback, only the first part was from the past. The rest was not. THANKS GUYS!! <3

Questions of the week --

1.What do you think will happen now that Louis and Harry are face to face?

2. What did you find interesting about this chapter?