I couldn't get away. Louis was here, standing by my bedside. He was looking at me with an unreadable expression on his face. I can't imagine what is going through his mind right now. All I know is that I want as far away from this moment as possible. It's too much. I still love him so much after all these years, but I blew it. I fucked up. I was a shit boyfriend in the end and he deserved better than me all those years ago. Anyone else would have protected him. I was too worried about what my friends would think of me and what they would do to me if I reacted. Now, I am still caught in the downward spiral I was left in when he left me for good.

I was devastated to find out he left. Not only because I still loved him, but because I never got to say goodbye or anything for that matter. It was completely my fault. I had plenty of time to do so. Almost a whole year I could have to be exact. I never did. Then I literally cried when I found out he was gone. However, I knew it was for the best and I tried to move on. Sadly, as hard as I tried, I could not forget. I will never forget.

"Harry," Louis said again looking at me a bit expectantly. I couldn't speak. My mouth was dry and I was starting to feel panicked. "Are you alright? I only wanted to make sure you were ok. I also thought maybe we could talk a bit. It has been quite a while." Louis said shuffling on his feet.

I could only stare at him. His eyes were still so captivating. Despite what happened to him, he was still breathtaking. His eyes could still entrance me. I really need to, but I can't look away. I am just here staring into his eyes like a creep. Fuck, he is smiling now. I have to get out of here. I need my pills. I can't handle this on my own. I can already feel myself slipping. Why is he here? Maybe he wants to hurt me like I allowed them to hurt him. Why is he smiling? I need someone to walk in. Fuck, he is getting closer to the bed now. I am gonna scream! Wait.. w-what is he doing? He is reaching out to me. His smile is gone now. I do the only thing I can. I scream for help.

"Harry, shit! Are you alright?" Louis asks as he slowly and carefully takes my hand. I began to beg him, "Please don't hurt me, Louis. I am so sorry. I am so, so sorry. I should have done something. I should have made them stop. Please forgive me. I-I....!" My mind was going wild with a million thoughts. Louis began to shake his head quickly. "Harry. I would never hurt you. What are you on about?" he asked me with confusion in his eyes. I just began to cry. I had so many emotions running through me and I could not take it any longer. Louis cautiously wrapped his arms around my shoulders and hugged me tight. I couldn't believe after all I had done, he was trying to comfort me.

"Is everything alright in here?" I heard someone ask as the door burst open. "Oh, I'm sorry. I will leave you two alone." The nurse said as she closed the door. Louis pulled away asking if I was alright. I nodded my head slowly and he sat down on the side of the bed just watching me. It is funny how I didn't find it creepy. He really looked concerned. As soon as I found my voice I asked why he was here. No of my friends were. Not even my best friend, Liam. I was taken from the club so they know I am here. No one came. Except for Louis.

"So," I try to make conversation. "Yeah," he says in reply. This isn't getting anywhere. We just sta in silence until he asks something I never knew he questioned. "Did you ever love me, Harry," he asked and looked down to his lap. I could hear a small quiver in his voice and I felt so low. I wanted to reach out and touch him, but I didn't have that right anymore. Not only that, but I was strapped down to this fucking bed like an animal.

"Yes," was my simple reply. I couldn't bring myself to say more. I wanted to tell him I still did. I wanted to tell him how he is on my mind every day. I wanted to tell him how my life changed that day and has been going down ever since. I wanted him to know how much my heart still aches and how I would do anything to take it back. However, not much of that matters now. He won't care. I let him down and now he is gone forever. Besides, it has been nearly 10 years since. He has moved on I am sure of it.

"I have some things I want to say," Louis said and broke me away from my thoughts. "Please just listen to me and then I won't ever bother you again." That hurt so much to hear from him. I wanted nothing more than for him to be near me. If only I could turn back time and make things right. If only I had said something or stopped them that day. "It is what it is, Harry. What's done is done. Just hear me out please." He said and my breath hitched. I said all that out loud. Fuck my life.

"I loved you so much, Harry. You know that. I never wanted anything more than to spend the rest of my life with you. We always talked about that, remember?" he asked and I nodded. He continued saying, "Everything was good for almost to years. We were so happy. I wished we could be out and proud together but I knew we couldn't. I understood that and I would not have  changed it for the world. I enjoyed every moment I spent with you and I will never forget it. We had our own little private bubble and it was amazing being there." My eyes began to tear up and a single tear fell down. He just watched it run down my cheek before continuing.

"That day, your friends had come up to me in the hallway when we were texting. They snatched my phone away and began reading the texts. When Lukas' eyes widened and he began to look angered, I knew I was done for. I tried to run, but Troy tripped me and I fell to the floor on my face. I grabbed my nose and shrieked in pain. It was bleeding badly but they didn't care. Troy just dragged me off to the bathroom. No one tried to stop him. They were saying such cruel things to me. They said it was my fault that you thought you were gay. They said I corrupted you and that they were gonna make me pay. They said they were going to kill me." He let out a shaky breath. I was a mess of tears and heavy breaths right now, but that didn't matter. He needed to get this off his chest and I would remain quiet and let him finish no matter how much it hurt me.

He sniffled a bit and gave a bitter laugh before saying, "I silently prayed you would come, H. I prayed so hard you would come and save me from those homophobic idiots. I was so happy when you finally burst into the bathroom. I didn't want to call out to you. I didn't want to admit to anything even though they already knew. You looked so afraid. I know you wanted to help, but you didn't." His voice began to crack a bit on the end. He began to cry as he continued. "I was being beaten and slowly drowned and I was worried for you. Can you believe that?" I just hung my head as much as I could. I could not meet his gaze. He was staring at me intently with silent tears streaming down his face. "How could you not stop them Harry?! I know I didn't want you to, but why didn't you anyway? You were my boyfriend and should have wanted the best for me. We were supposed to be in it together. Why did you let them kill me?! I know you were afraid, but enough was enough! You watched everything. You let them beat me repeatedly! Kicking me, punching me, spitting on me, slapping me over and over and over! You let them crush part of my skull against the toilet bowl. You let them drown me. Fuck, Harry! Why the fuck didn't you save me? Why didn't you save me!?" he kept asking.

All I could do was cry. I wanted to save him, but I was afraid. I have never felt as bad about all of this as I do right now. Seeing him so broken. I couldn't hold him. I couldn't tell him I loved him. So I said the only thing I could say, "I'm sorry." He looked up at me. His body was wracked with sobs. The look of hurt on his face was unbearable. The looked soon turned to confusion and then to pure anger and malice.

"You're sorry? That is all you can say, Harry? Are you sorry? Do you know what the fuck I went through? I am still not over that shit! Not only did you literally let them kill me, but afterward when I was not breathing and unconscious, you felt guilty and called for help. Why couldn't you do that before it escalated? Do you know the pain I was in? You just fucking stood there and watched, Harry. You watched!! I thought you loved me, Harry. I really did. Well, more to say, I thought you loved me as much as I loved you. I could have never let anyone hurt you like that. Let alone watch it until you were beaten, broken, and dead." His voice had turned so cold. His eyes were blank. He was staring at me with no emotion whatsoever. It was as if I was less than nothing. I couldn't breathe, but he didn't stop. He continued clearing his mind of everything he had held for so long while I remained speechless as he did.

"You are a fucking coward, Harry. Not even because of what you let your friends do to me, but because of what you didn't do after everything was over." He said. I was very confused, but I didn't dare speak. I was really afraid of him at this point. If I opened my mouth, I don't think anything would come out. He raised his hand to his face to wipe his tears away, and I flinched. I was scared shitless. He could do anything to me at this point and I would have to take it because I couldn't move. Even if I could move, I would still take it. I would take it all. He only looked at me and shook his head. I have never felt so low. I just wanted to die. Nothing could have prepared me for this. I just want to disappear.

Louis cleared his throat before continuing saying, "I survived Harry. The school nurse revived me and they told me how lucky I was. I wanted to laugh but I couldn't move anything on my body. Everything hurt. By the time I was assessed at the hospital, they had to sedate me because of all the pain. I was put into a medical coma for two weeks so my body could heal. When I was brought back, I found out about my injuries. I had five broken ribs, a broken nose, a busted lip, my right knee was fractured, three of my back teeth on the right side were knocked out, my skull was fractured, and my right eye was was permanently damaged causing my vision to be affected. Can you even imagine that Harry? Even after they woke me up, I still had a long way to go. I had to miss the rest of the school year. I was kind of glad though. I didn't want to be the center of attention. Well, at least I got popularity, right? Popularity is so important right?" he sneered at me.

I opened my mouth to answer both questions but nothing came out. "Still don't know why you are a coward huh? I'll tell you." He said in a cold tone that sounded more hurt than anything. "You never spoke to me again. You never said one word to me. When I left the hospital, all I wanted was you. I found out you were in prison for not stopping the torture and I cried. I cried for you, Harry. I didn't want you in jail. I loved you. Even after what happened, I still loved you! I still loved you, and you ignored me when you came back! You walked past me every day for the rest of our junior year and acted as if I didn't exist. I knew it wasn't because you didn't want anyone to know anymore because everyone knew. Everyone knew we were together and what you stood back and allowed your friends to do to me. I gained so many friends when I was able to return to school. I mean real, true friends. They told me I should not try to talk to you and let you approach me. So I didn't." he dropped his head as he searched for the words he wanted to say. He looked back at me and I sighed. He looked like he could kill.

"You fucking ignored me, Harry. I was so sure you would come to me and we could have worked it out. I loved you so much." His voice was escalating and he screamed, "You kicked me out of your life and pushed me away! You didn't even let me have a say in it! You made stupid assumptions and threw away everything we had! I hate you for that! You were still every thing to me, Harry! We were supposed to be together forever Harry! I never changed the way I felt about you until I just had to give up. I waited for you that whole year! All the crying I did for you to come back to me and hold me in your arms. I wanted us to get past everything together, but you chose to push me aside like I never meant anything to you! That was why I never returned for my final year. I had to move away. I couldn't bear looking at you! You disgusted me because of how you let our love slip away. You just made the decision for the both us. If you didn't want me, you should have said so! Then we could have had closure! I walked around broken for so long. I thought I could never get over you. I still waited for you. All the pointless dates, the meaningless sex, the sleepless nights, the drugs, and just any other thing I tried to help me to forget you were all in vain. Nothing worked." He was breathing so heavily, I thought he would pass out. Then he killed me saying, "Then I met Josh two years ago," and he looked down at his hand. I looked down to find where he was gazing, and I knew I was going to die. He was twisting a small diamond ring on his finger. He smiled a small smile that left me a bit wary and said, "Now after all the bullshit I've been through, I'm engaged."

I think if anyone had walked into the room at that point they would have assumed I was a fish out of the water. Why was I so shocked? Did I actually think he would wait for me? It has been so long and I never tried to contact him. I never tried to do anything but keep moving hoping to one day forget. I had everything wrong. He still wanted me. He still wanted me! And I blew it. I fucked up everything like I always have. I still want forever with him. I want him to forgive me and let me take him in my arms and give him the world. Sadly, I know that won't happen. He is finally happy and I am glad for him, even though my heart hurts. I deserve it. I deserve to feel pain.

Louis just sat there twirling his ring around looking at nothing. I took it he was done talking, so I finally found my voice and thought I should speak. I didn't even know where to begin. What could I even say to begin to try to heal some of what I had broken? I didn't know where to start, so I went to the beginning.

"When I first saw you at the end of my freshmen year, I knew I had to have you. You were so beautiful. No one knew I was gay, but I didn't care at the time. I knew we would have to be in secret, but if you would be ok with it then so would I. I remember when I approached you, you were so shy. I knew then how fragile you were, and I promised myself I would always protect you. Then, when we started dating after my stubborn persistence one month later, I was over joyed. I had never felt anything like it. Sure, I had dated girls as well as kissed many, but it felt nothing like when I kissed you the first time. It was as if time stood still. I had already fallen so hard for you, Blue." Louis' head shot up to me with unfathomable sadness in his eyes. Realizing what I said I cleared my throat and said, "Erm, I mean Louis. Sorry for that." He looked away and turned away from me a bit in his chair. I felt so low. How could I let that slip? Most importantly, why did it affect him?

I chose to ignore it and continued on telling him, "I was your first time. I will never forget that night. It was such a special time. You were so afraid and I kept reassuring you and telling you we could wait. You wouldn't listen. It had been almost 8 months and you said you were ready to move on to the next level. I remembered telling you there were no levels. That there was only us, what we wanted to do, when we wanted and felt ready to do it. You looked at me and smiled and kissed me so gently. I always melted under your touch, Louis. I couldn't get enough of it. Your hands were always so soft and they always fit perfectly with mine." Louis looked like he could remember these things all too well. He tried to hide the occasional tears that were falling down his face. If only I could hold him one last time I thought to myself.

"I knew my friends were suspicious of us. I could hardly hide my fond when I looked at you. They even asked me repeatedly about it. I was even asked the day before they... they...," I trailed off unable to finish that sentence. He looked up at me. He was surprised and looked a bit angered. "They asked you?" he shouted to me. "You never told me, Harry! Why!? Did you tell them we were..." I shook my head vigorously in response. "I would have never done that Louis. I would never!" I nearly shouted back at him. Now I was angry. How dare he think I would do that to him. "You would never tell them we were together, but you would let them kill me, yeah?" Louis spat back at me. I couldn't respond. What would I even say?

We just sat there in silence for what seemed like forever. Eventually, he said he had to leave. His fiancé would be waiting for him and be wondering where he has been. I was surprised. He had not been home all this time. I never knew he was here when I awoke the first time from my nightmare. He just looks so tired and run down now. He was no longer looking vibrant as he was in the club while he danced.

"Well, I guess I'll see ya around. You know, with the movie and all. Bye Harry." He said with a hint of sadness in his voice for some reason. There was so much I wanted to say but I couldn't, so I just settled for a, "Yeah, you do the same." He looked at me confused and I realized what I responded. I could feel the heat of embarrassment rising up my neck and I know my face was a bit pink. Any other time it may have been cute, but under these circumstances, it seems misplaced. He chuckled a bit and shook his head. "I missed your laugh," I found myself saying. "I never stopped loving you, Louis. Not even until this day. My life is shit and I wish I could go back and change everything. I have been taking meds for eight years to keep me sane. I can't forget. I still have nightmares. I deserve it. I deserve every bit of pain in my life. I don't deserve happiness. Failed relationship after failed relationship." I kept talking. I thought he had left but he was there at the door listening.

So I continued saying, "I have missed you every day. Every day, Louis. Every day since this happened I have longed for you. When I saw you again, I couldn't come to you. I wanted to so badly. I didn't deserve you. You deserved better. You needed someone who would protect you and not freeze up when you needed them the most. I let them kill you, Louis. Fuck! Louis, why? Why the fuck did I do that? I loved you so much! I loved you with everything I had in me, yet I did nothing. I watched them beat you and drown you! I am a fucking coward. I deserve to die." I said as I realized I was thrashing around in the bed.

"Harry," Louis yelled to me rubbing a soothing hand on my arm to try and calm me. He whispered soft words of comfort to me and I slowly began to calm down. Breathing was getting easier. My limbs felt heavy and I just let them lay limp at my sides. Louis continued to brush my hair back and looking into the green that was looking right back into the blue. "I am so sorry, Louis. I promise I will make it right. I don't want to hurt anymore and I don't want you to hurt anymore." 

"Hazza," he replied which was obviously an unrecognized slip. "I am not hurt anymore and I was never upset with you over what happened. I was upset because it happened and you let it tear us apart." 

"I hope one day you can forgive me, Louis. I never meant to hurt you. I love you so much. Even right now. No one compares to you. No one ever has and no one ever will. You are my first and only love. There will never be another Lou." I said.

I started to feel drowsy. I looked to my left and realized the doctor had come in and was putting something in my drip. I assume it was to make me sleep. When he left, I looked back to Louis. Louis looked sympathetically at me. "Your eyes are so beautiful Lou. I wish I could gaze at them forever. I hope Jeff realizes what he has and doesn't fuck it up like I did. Fuck, Louis. I love you so damn much it hurts. I carry you with me always, Blue. Everyday. no matter where I go, you are with me always."

 I could barely keep my eyes open now and I whispered, "Look in my jacket breast pocket." Louis looked a bit confused but looked in my pocket none the less. He began to cry when he pulled out the object. He tried to hold it back but he couldn't. "Harry," was all he managed to get out while he looked at the picture I kept close to my heart everyday. I began to speak again before he could continue. "I promise I will make it right Louis. All the pain you went through, I will pay for it." 

"What do you mean, Harry?" he asked shaking me a bit. "All of it," I respond. "I was a coward at saving your life, but not with taking mine." The last thing I heard was Louis screaming my name and I could feel him shaking me before sleep took me. 

My last thoughts being that now, I am even more fucked up after this talk and also how much I still love my little boy blue. The comfort was in knowing this pain and longing will all end soon enough. He will know one day soon I am not a coward. I can show him just how much I love him. I can now leave it all behind. Especially the photograph that I have been carrying for the past 9 years in my pocket, reminding me of happy times and a perfect love, frozen in time. I just want to be free and if taking my life gives me freedom, then so be it. Fuck this life!

Well, chapter 3 is up. The photo at the bottom is what Harry carried in his wallet. I hope you enjoyed the chapter. Harry and Louis finally talk. It was a bit hard to write this with the abuse Louis' character went through. There are still some sad parts to come, but hopefully, you will stick with me until the end. It will be worth it I promise. Please like and comment!!

The question of the week: What do you think Louis was feeling listening to Harry's drugged up speech?