"I'll buy. What are you having?" Jem asks me as we enter my favourite diner that is open twenty-four hours.
"Hell yeah you're buying, that's the least you can do. I'll have a cappuccino thanks." I make my way towards one of the empty booths near a window. The stars are out, brightening up this little part of town where there is not much going on. So peaceful and so quiet and yet there are too many thoughts spinning around in my head for me to be able to enjoy it.

This was the place where we had our first date. Jem was 19 and I was 18. I remember the night so clearly.

"You're blushing." Jem said to me with a cheeky grin.
"No I am not! It's just warm in here." I argued in return while laughing.
"Oh come on Eliza, you can do better than that. I might have believed you if it wasn't snowing outside." He laughed with me. That was how the night went just us laughing with at each other but in the sweetest ways. He did make me blush but in a marvellous way. I had never felt the way I did with Jem and I still never have. He makes me feel like I'm only woman in the world. Or at least he used to.

"Come on let's go outside!" He said to me later that night.
"Jem it's been snowing a blizzard. We'll die out there."
"At worse we'll get a little cold. Come on!" He looked so eager to go out in the snow. He reminded me of a little child who had seen snow for the first time. We went outside and looked at the city that was on the horizon. It looked so beautiful with the snow glistening and headlights shining.
"You're beautiful Eliza. Just so beautiful." He told me. I was facing him and he had his hands around my waist.
" Thanks, you're not too bad yourself." I joked back at Jem. I've never been too god at accepting compliments, especially on a first date with the most handsome guy I had ever seen. He moved his hands up to my hair, pushing it out of my face and then he kissed me. I felt like I was in some kind of movie with the snow coming down and me kissing Jem. It was perfect.

"Here you go. I can't believe you cut your hair by the way." Jem says to me as he hands me my drink, waking me up from my daydream. My hair used to be long, way past my chest but recently I decided to cut it.
"I remember watching a t.v programme where they said the best way to get over a bad breakup was to cut your hair so in the heat of a moment that's what I did." And now from being midway down my back its cut just below my chin.
"Well it really does suit you. I don't feel like I could ever part with my hair." Jem jokes. His hair is a brown colour so close to the colour of chocolate. His eyes are often covered by his hair which falls around his face. In comparison my hair is a mousey brown colour and looks no where near as nice as his. I drink my cappuccino and enjoy the buzz that the caffeine gives not realising how much I needed energy right now. I have a feeling that this is going to be a long night.

"How have you been feeling?" Jem asks me, looking genuinely concerned.
"How do you think I'm feeling? You broke my heart, stomped on it then smashed it into even more pieces! I feel pretty much devastated." I tell him.
"No not about that. About what happened a couple of months ago. It was tough for both of us. Are you on top of everything?"
"Yeah, I'm still taking the pills. They're helping a lot. I'm sorry, I forgot how this must be for you as well. I've been so caught up with what happened the last few weeks that I never stopped to think about how this is still affecting you. Maybe because of what happened is the reason I am as mad with you as I am."
"Don't blame that or your depression for why you're mad at me. Blame me."
"Trust me Jem, I do blame you."

Jem had been there with me when I got diagnosed with depression. I hadn't been sleeping yet getting out of bed was such a challenge. I locked myself away from everyone, not wanting to speak because I had nothing to say. Depression does that, makes you want to hide away from everyone, even the people that you love. I felt useless during the time before I got diagnosed because I couldn't do one of the most natural things in the world, carry a baby. Throughout all this, Jem never left my side though.

"Jem it's positive." I said to him after the timer buzzed to announce that the three minutes of waiting were up. "I can't do this. I can't have a baby. For God's sake I'm only 22. I've just left college and just started my job as a teacher. I don't have time or the money to raise a child. How did we get into this mess?" I sobbed into Jem's white t-shirt which resulted in me leaving a mascara stain on it.

"Hey, hey it's going to be alright. Everything will be alright. We'll figure something out." he reassured me with his hand rubbing my back and pulling me slightly closer to him. It felt like we had stayed like this for hours when in reality it was only a couple of minutes.

"Will you stay the night?" I asked him, not wanting to be alone in that moment.

"Of course I will." and he did. It was only when I went for my first scan that I fully decided that I wanted to keep this baby. After all it was going to be the best parts of me and the best parts of Jem so how could I get rid of someone that perfect.

We got ahead of ourselves. We had brought a crib, nappies and baby clothes before the tragedy happened. I just knew that something was going to happen that day, my body had felt different. It all happened in a blur; I was bleeding, rushed to hospital, told the awful news. The only clear thing I remember from that day was calling Jem, him holding my hand at the hospital, him wiping my tears away, him driving me home, him crying with me. He never left my side throughout that or when I found out about depression.

Now I'm sat here in front of him, remembering everything. He understood everything I was going through. Over the last few weeks I have thought about leaving him because of that kiss with Lexi but now I'm questioning everything again. I want him but he hurt me so bad. Jem has a way of doing this, making me go back to him just when I thought it was over.