*inspired by the chest pains I have had recently also extreme content so I'm sorry. And this chapter will without a doubt be triggering. I'm triggered just by writing it. And how long should I make this, should I wrap it up soon?

It was so bright out and warm. We were at the quarry and while everyone else swam in their undergarments with no cares in the world I was drowning. Not literally, in thoughts, I️ was drowning in my very own thoughts.

Everyone else splashed except for me, I laid on my back and floated in the water. I even thought about what the clown said 'you'll float too' and I also thought that this might be what it'd feel like. This didn't seem so bad, now I'm not saying that I want to die or that I'm depressed, I may be pushing anorexia but I'm not depressed.

      "Moxie," a voice startled me causing me to jump upright and swim, "were gonna go dry in the sun."

      "Simon, you gave me a fright." I breathed. I swam back to shore, sitting in between Richie and Mike. Bill sat in between Ben and Eddie, Stan was on Eddie's their side and Bev was on the opposite side of Ben.

      I felt eyes on me, Bill's, he stared at me, furrowed his brows and looked at me in the face. He bit his lip after that and turned his attention to something Ben had asked me.

     "How have you been doing, Mox?" The kindest of them all, I appreciate him for it. Simon sat next to Richie and looked at me as if he had something to say.

      My brother is handsome, I'd never admit it. "I dunno, tired, how should I feel?" I retaliated with a shrug.

      My brother scoffed making us all look at him, "Moxie, say something or else I will." He threatened, I never knew he ever paid attention to me, let alone my eating habits.

       I shook my head and gave him a 'don't you dare' look. That was until my favorite, not in this moment, Trashmouth spoke up. I expected it since it is Richie, I mean, he's him.

     "Yeah, Foxie, you should at least try to fix it. I'm starting to get worried about you— we all are." He spoke up, we all knew it was bad since he felt no need to use any childish nicknames or antics.

     "What do they mean, Moxie?" Mike asked putting a hand on mine. I inhaled deeply and shut my brain off. If it was on I would lie on instinct, but now it's like I was encased with Wonder Woman's lasso.

     I grasped Mike's hand and closed my eyes, "I haven't eaten in a week and a half!" I blurted out. It was so loud that the sound waves bounced off of distant trees.

      "What," Bill exclaimed, "t-that's not ok-kay. You n-need t-to eat, now." He was angry, I could tell by how much he was stuttering.

      "No, I don't." I said defensively. Mike's grasp got tighter and Bill got angrier.

      "Yes y-you do, t-t-that's how l-l-living goes." He got louder.

      "Bill, chill out." Mike demanded, noticing Bill's wild nature. This is so stupid.

      "F-fuck off, h-h-homeschooled, a-and lay o-off my girlfriend!" Bill yelled.

     "Bill, c'mon man take it easy." Richie defended us.

     "N-n-no, I'm not g-gonna sit ar-round while some k-kid from t-the s-slaughterhouse s-s-steals the love of my life!" Despite calling me his one true love he also disrespected Mike and I don't play that shit.

     I aggressively stood up causing everyone else to do the same. I let go of Mike's hands and started to walk towards Bill. Richie, Mike, and Simon held me back. Well, I think Simon was holding me back, the others were just happy to be touching unmarked territory.

      "Hold up, you better check who you're talking to like that. What's wrong with coming from the 'slaughterhouse'? Or did you mean something else by it?" I backed up a little bit, putting my shorts on. I don't want to punch my 'boyfriend' in the face half naked. Even though I'm still half naked.

      "Bill, shut up!" Stan knew where this was headed, this was all like a time machine for the previous Losers Club. Yet, Bill kept going, these are actions usually expected by Richie and I think that's what makes me so angry. Bill would never but he did and that's not okay. Jealous or not.

     "You t-two deserve each other, I-I mean l-l-look at you." He spat, we all froze and looked at one another, my heart hurts, my heart truly hurts. I shook my head and looked across the quarry, the same clown stood there and maybe I should be scared but the guy I've swapped spit with just made a racial comment about me and a fellow friend of mine.

      "Bill!" Eddie screamed, trying to get him to know what he said was wrong. I looked back where the clown was and the balloon was there but he wasn't.

     "Okay, alright, that's enough," Beverly breathed heavily, "Moxie, you're just hangry and Bill is a jealous idiot. Why don't we go get some ice cream and talk?" She offered.

       I thought about it and looked at Mike, he nodded with a heavy exhale, "Fine," they all sighed in relief at my easy agreement, especially Bill whose mind was probably racing.

      I poured my finger at him threateningly and snarled, "but only because if I don't I would rock your shit, Denbrough, and I'm not gonna get sent back into the system again." I hurriedly pulled my shirt over my head and pulled my wedges on. It was probably a bad choice of footwear but I'm glad I got to see Bill cringe at every pounding step that was made on the concrete.

      We got inside and seated, it was quiet, extremely quiet. I bounced my legs and crossed my arms, slouching in the booth. Mike put his hand on my knee under the table, I looked at him with an 'it's not my fault' look then gestured to Bill with my eyes. He instantly gave me an 'I know' look and rubbed my thigh.

       "Where the fuck is this stupid clown when you need em?" I muttered harshly.

       "Anything is better than it, trust me." Mike replied, I looked up at him and smiled, trying to calm down.

      "So, what did you mean back there, Billy?" I asked cocking my head, I looked so menacing. It was almost like I was testing his patience on purpose, maybe I was.

      "I just meant," he tried his best not to stutter but failed, "t-that you two s-seem close." He looked down at the table.

     I looked out the window with a scoff, the balloon was there and it seemed bigger and my heart hurt more. I glanced back at the group, Richie looked like he was gonna burst of he didn't speak.

      "Hey, Moxie, What are you gonna get?" He had his nose stuffed in the menu.

      "I dunno, what do you recommend, Trashmouth." I've never been more thankful to have a loud mouth in my life. He took away a lot of pressure and I think Bill was thankful for it.

      "Vanilla— yeah, with those shaved chocolate curls on top. Oh, and we can put two circular pretzels on it to make it look like me." Wow.

     I thought about the image for a second, "wow, Rich," Stan murmured with a roll of his eyes.

      "Richie," I started, "Are you implying that you want me to eat you?" I started to grin. Good ole' Trashmouth Tozier, My humorical soulmate.

      He shrugged and put his hands up in defense, "whoops, you caught me." We all laughed and then stopped at the drop of a dime. Literally, the cashier dropped a dime on the floor.

      "Okay, I just have one more question for you Bill." I started only to be interrupted by Simon.

"Don't do it, Big Bill, it's a trap."

      "Shut up, Simon," I growled, "so, if you thought Mike and I are such a good pair why didn't you say something before. Why'd you even let our relationship evolve this far?" I'm overreacting aren't I?

      "Cause I love you." He said, he actually said it, and I'm too dumb to listen to him.

     I sat back in my seat, "you're not too bad yourself but you're still a racist idiot,"

     "I didn't mean it, Okay!" We were getting loud again.

     "What can I get you kids?" The waitress said, it took her awhile to get around to me but once she did everyone looked t me with anticipation.

      I wrinkled my nose as if I were from bewitched, "a medium vanilla with chili ate shavings on top, and could you get me and of those circular pretzels by any chance? Is that possible?" I asked.

      "You sure are a hungry little thing, I'll be right up with that." Her remark made my face churn but only for a second and Bill noticed.

     "I-is t-that why?" He asked me, everyone instantly looked our way but I looked out the window and at the balloon. It looked bigger and more strained than ever, my heart hurt more.

      "Shut up and mind your business." I snarled making him jump back, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to yell like that, it's totally your business." Welcome Moxie Beckett, the most bipolar bitch in Derry.

      It made me think of a time when ideas young, Simon remembers, we were separated the frat time because of it.

       "Look at you," they taunted, "you're huge. You're like Mega Moxie or something. Don't walk too hard or you'll start an earthquake."

     "Leave me alone, Lesley." I said quietly, I was quiet, Mrs. always told me to speak up. She used to say I had a pretty voice.

     "Yeah, leave my big sister alone." My brother tried to defend me.

     "What did you say, pipsqueak, you're only 4, you shouldn't even be here, you're supposed to be on the boys side of the hallways.

      The house was decided up in two halves, the boys side and girls side. I made sure I knew where Simon's room was and vise versa. Big responsibility for a 5-year-old, huh?

      "What Don't you take a nap or something?" She pushed him and I pushed back.

      "Hands off the little brother." I said from over top of her before I winded my fist back and then hurled it towards here. Her nose was bleeding with the one punch and my tiny hand hurt. I stood up and helped up Simon as well.

       Lesley screamed when I hit her so our headmistress came running in immediately.

    "Moxie, what did you do?" She jumped back, something I would hate see someone do years later.

      "Mrs. the nigger girl hit me." The younger girl whined. That's name was one that I would become accustomed to hear, if only I knew, maybe I could've prepared myself for my future. My brother stepped in front of me an was knocked down as the dad mistress dragged me out in the hall and to the phone.

      That is it. This is it. I was scared. I was clueless. I was different. I was bigger and black and she hated my because of it.

      "Moxie, i-it's fine, really." Bill tried to make it better, he always tried so hard.

      I looked outside to see the balloon but as soon as I did look at it, it popped. And so did my heart.

      I don't remember much after that, just my head hurting and a lot of screaming. But I felt so light, I felt like I was floating. It was so bad, it wasn't as bad as it was at the quarry. It was almost a sense of relief. I did pick up Bill saying something without his stutter.

     "Moxie Beckett you're the love of my life. Please, don't leave, I'm sorry."