......................

Been a year since I've joined on here, hasn't it?

Ever since I came here I hoped that I can help people become who they truly are and helped them through dark times.

Now here I am.....going through that's probably the most terrible year.

My father's anger is getting worse. I know it.

The more days I've spent alive with him, led me to having more scars. Mental scars and physical scars.

These scars never healed for I remember only the painful and suffering memories of my childhood.

Why am I here?

Why can't I have a father that doesn't have PTSD and never left me when my mother was pregnant with me?

Why does my little brother (calling him Firestar cause that's his favorite warrior cat) have to suffer for his entire childhood too? He's only 9 years old!

I also found out that my grandmother from my mother's side of the family that she had used me since I was born......13 years now.

I can hardly trust anyone the this cruel world. I felt so mute.

I always get punished for the first mistake I make...and I just remained quiet.

Sometimes the best way to have a better life is to keep quiet if your in my shoes.

Since were once in the military family we moved a lot....and I always made friends for 4 moves.
Then I realized that I couldn't be in contact with them since back then I didn't have a phone (probably no kid in my age did.)

What's worse is that I could barely even remember any good times in my childhood. Almost nothing but what I mentioned early.

I realized that we're going to keep moving nonstop and there's no point in make friends if your probably never gonna remember them due to bad memory or never able to contact them.

I remember some of those words my father said me. That remained as a scar within my memory.

I bet "pathetic, weak, dumbass excuse of a daughter" rings a bell....

I never took those words out of my head.

Wanna know why?

Because it's a reminder.

A reminder that I was never gonna have a happy life. It reminded me of how useless I am. It reminded me that being silent is the only way I'm gonna live. It's a reminder....that.....I...I....

That I never deserved to live.

I EVEN WENT ONTO MY BED AND PRAYED TO GOD THAT HE WONT SEND SOMEONE OR SOMETHING TO KILL ME!

I even started cutting myself too whenever my parents aren't home and firestar was busy.

*chuckles* they never found out~

I'm like a fox you see?

This is kinda my story of my life.

My mind was filled with nothing but rage and sadness. IM NOT EVEN SUPPOSE TO BE ALIVE HERE!

If I had one wish...that wish will be to restart my entire life and start over. I'll be quiet and be perfect. I will personally ask god (if he even exists) to make sure I was born emotionless so I can be perfect.

HECK! I DESERVE IT!

Even when I came here. Everyone started to suffer from drama, heartbreak, etc.

Im cursed

What did I even do?!

Wanna know something funny?

I get weird dreams.

So weird that some came true in real life and I can feel things in my dreams.

I feel a tree's bark, rushing water, I even felt my husband's warmth when I dreamt of us being together. Me hugging her for the very first time.

All of them came true. And whenever I get those, a bad day comes.

I'm scared of almost anything since I silenced myself from the world....loud noises and having trypophobia and such.

You see everyone?

You could say I....never felt happiness before.....AND HOW AM I SUPPOSE TO KNOW THAT I CAN TRUST SOMEONE?!
EVERYONE ABANDONS ME!

Plus....I don't want my mother heartbroken if she breaks up with my father.

So guess what? It's my destiny to suffer.

Now I knew. God was never real. Probably NONE OF THE RELIGIONS ARE REAL! THE BIBLE MIGHT HAVE BEEN MADE UP BY A GUY THAT WANTED POWER!

*looking at a knife*

All I can say is.....don't ever end up in my life.

Be the most happiest as you can be.

Get the father I never had.

Don't ever suffer from my mistakes and follow my path.

Get rid of the scars that you held that I couldn't get rid of.

You all have destinies and roles in life.....I just haven't found mine and probably never will.

Don't ever repeat the mistakes our ancestors made.

Make the world a better place.

Everyone deserves second chances.....don't you fucking dare give me one, I'm a curse in this world.

And no....I'm not dying yet....but *chuckles more* I am dying on the inside.

I pretend to smile you know?

I pretended to smile for 13 years.

I played the game for 13 years

Give everyone the love they need.

Give everyone the family they never received.

WE ARE HUMANS! WERE SUPPOSE TO BUILD EACH OTHER UP! NOT TURNING OUR BACKS ON EACH OTHER AND ABANDONED THEM.

We need to make sure everyone gets a life that I probably shall never received.

Don't ever pretend to smile.

Be you.

If god hated you for being you then why did he create you being you?

If god hated you for being gay then why did he created you being gay?

ANSWER THAT PEOPLE WHO USE THE BIBLE AS A EXCUSE TO TRY AND GET RID OF LBGTQ+ COMMUNITY AND PRIDE MONTH!

Besides. No one listens to the Bible.

I betcha five bucks that People of Old world forced the people of New world to be in their religion. New world people died if they didn't you know?

What I'm trying to say is.....

Live life as much as you can......please....

Dont help me....The people of above are punishing me for being a mistake of a creation........

And wow...my first useless rant.... *laughing while balls up in a corner with tears coming down optics*