The night is warm. It's strangely captivating and calming. My soul, however, rejects it. Every warm breeze that brushes by my skin feels like a betrayal. I'm feeling unusually cold in this warm summer night.

I walk around the suburbs of Boston with my shoulders clenched and wishing I would've brought a jacket with me. I know I'm not actually cold, but the goosebumps that are crawling over my skin disagree with the actual weather.

Based on my current state, it's the coldest and darkest night of the winter. Whenever I exhale I expect to see my breath materialise, but since it's summer I don't see that happening. I wish it were winter. It would correspond to my lost wandering, like the girl with the matchsticks from Andersen's tale. I'm waiting to freeze over, and by the feeling in my legs and fingers, I'm halfway there.

It'd be easier to endure this in winter. The rejection, the heartbreak, the abandonment and neglection religiously practised by my mother; all of it would make more sense in winter. The cold air I'd inhale would send a sharp thermal pain through my lungs and veins, but there would be clarity present - clarity of reality.

Feeling this lonely, being transported back to my powerless child-self o a warm summer night feels like a joke.

If it indeed were winter, I could explain why I'm feeling so cold and why I'm freezing. The only thing I'm left with is the acknowledgement that it's all just me. Responsible for feeling this cold - me alone. Responsible for fucking it up with Annabelle - me alone. Responsible for taking care of Devon - me alone. Was denied my mother's love and care - me alone. I see only one possible pattern here - me being alone.

It's how I've always been. I was on my own since after the divorce. I couldn't be preoccupied with hitting puberty, I was preoccupied with Daniel and May. I don't regret it though, because now it's just one of the three kids who's fucked up, not all of us.

And being alone is what I've always wanted. It was safe and comfortable. I did whatever I wanted. If I didn't feel like doing something or if I felt like doing something, I could make my own decision without caring what anyone else might say.

But now being alone has become engulfing and unbearable. And after seeing my mother again not giving a single shit because she was fucking someone, I ended up alone again. It's like watching my childhood on repeat. The cycle never ends. What passes between me and my mother is like the idea of time - a snake eating its own tail, its existence going off into infinity.

She made no effort whatsoever. My mother, I mean. I was there, falling apart in front of her, the child in me believing that she'd be there for me. All she cared about was returning back to the house, back to whoever she was fucking.

I was ready to completely surrender when she opened her arms to me, and when she had me my at my most vulnerable point, she finally got what she wanted - everyone wanting to have her. So, she broke the last part that needed her. My sole existence now is my mother straight-up denying me her support.

Someone, something is clenching its hand around my throat. Even when I want to cry out, I have no other choice but to swallow it down, otherwise, I feel like I'm gonna fall down on my knees and wail at the pavement.

I feel my shoulders progressively sag down. Every step requires more energy from me than the last; soon I don't know if it's my knees that are growing weaker or is it just me giving in.

Ironically, I was always the confident, the cocky, the self-aware and the independent one of all three of us. I never was, I think, I was just good at pretending. I put on a show so confidently and so assured of where I was headed that I started to believe in it myself. I so desperately tried to be happy that I created a bubble I resided in for over ten years, only every now and then taking a quick peek outside, then hiding back in.

What do good looks help if I'll always end up alone? What good is college success when I ended up like everybody else? Stuck at a job until I retire, which is when another young person will take over and I'll drift into a forgotten memory. In my retirement I will dwell until I'll finally decide to let it all go and people will have to pay for my funeral, no one to truly grieve the loss. The one that potentially would, hates me. Everything nice she's given me, I turned it into a threat, and I ended up bringing out the worst in her.

Yeah, how could anyone possibly resist me?

A car slows down by me, so when I notice it's moving with the speed of my dragging along the pavement, I look at it and see the window rolling down.

The car is familiar, which is the first disappointment. Someone could kidnap me and harvest my organs, and I'd thank them. If someone tried to pick up a fight with me right now, I don't think I'd be able to respond at all, even less fight back.

Turns out it's just Patty.

Again my natural reaction would be to get the hell away from her, but I don't know, I've never been happier to see her.

She stops the car and says: "Get in."

"How did you find me?"

"Get in and I'll tell you everything."

My feet hurting from walking around, my knees growing weak and slouched shoulders push me in the passenger's seat. Half of the weight seems to be lifted off, but the clenching around my heart and neck become more elaborate, harder to control or to think at least a part of it away.

"What happened to you?" Patty asks as she switches into the first gear and drives off to I don't know and I don't care where.

I stay quiet trying to catch my breath and bring it under control, but just like with my mother before, I can't helo myself from falling apart in hopes of help, compassion and understanding.

"I'll take a wild guess and say something happened between you and Annabelle."

Holding back tears and swallowing down panic attacks I'm going through right now feels like hot water that is right below the boiling temperature, yet the pot is full and doesn't have it in its power to contain it.

Patty parks the car in a parking space in front of one of the houses in a random suburban street. "I did not spend an hour looking for you, so you can remain quiet. Tell me what happened."

***

Patty stays silent long after I've managed to tell her everything that's happened. From Annabelle to my mother, everything came gushing out of me. 

I uttered one word, the mere beginning of a long story, and I could not stop myself any longer. Even when I reached the end, after endless moments of struggle to pronounce words and to keep emotions at bay and away from swallowing me whole, I still felt like there was more to be said like Patty's silence was a sign of me not being even remotely done. 

She didn't blink or sigh once when my t's and b's and o's got problematic for me. She remained patient and didn't need to reassure me to take my time with it. While I was barely speaking, choking on chunks of fear and heartbreak in my throat, she was expressionless. Even at the most appalling news, she didn't budge and simply sat through it. 

"Oh, Nathan," she sighs after I'm one speaking and trying to afford a breather, which not a single cell in my body will give me. "I don't know what you expected from your mother. I know what you wanted, but did you really expect anything else?"

"I d-don't know. I needed her, Patty. And she just left me standing there." I sniffle and swallow down a lump of pain that has formed in the back of my throat. Swallowing it down is like trying to force a piece of lead down you oesophagus, but the harder you try, the more real its presence becomes. "Why does it hurt so fucking much..."

"You've always needed her. Not just this one time. The difference is that you hoped to receive something from her, which is something you should've been receiving since the beginning. I know you know that, and you know that you know that." 

She looks at me, both of her hands still on the steering wheel. I'm leaning my head back against the rest, her words seeping through me like sand. All I feel is a throbbing feeling in my chest, a hungry unsatiable beast feeding on my insides that try to regenerate back to normality. The beast keeps devouring it all, it bites and tears off the beat that barely or did not at all grow over the open wounds that are spread across my whole being like cracks in the earth which hasn't had a drop of water in years. 

"Why did you go to her? A part of you had to know how it was gonna end, but you did it anyway."

Did I know it? Maybe, maybe I did. But I know I wanted answers, I wanted an explanation, and when I got the opportunity to dive into a mother's hug, I realised that was the only thing I actually ever wanted from her. 'Cause I can remember her being a decent being, I remember her being a good mother, and a part of me has always wished to get that back. 

When Daniel was just a small infant, something barely over a year and a half, she'd spend all the evenings with me, after May had fallen asleep, to lull me to slumber, knowing how afraid I was of sleeping alone in my room. My mother knew how to be a mum to us, and because of that, I guess that hope to get her to be that again never died, always resided somewhere within me. 

"Look, there is only one person you should've gone to tonight and that's Annabelle, not your mother." 

I shake with my head slowly as the mere mentioning of her name brings about tensions in my muscles and my neck, making it hard to move at all. "No, no, no." 

"Oh, yes. You can still fix things with her, but you can't fix them with your mother. You need to pick your battles more carefully, otherwise, you'll always end up beating your head about how you and Daniel and May were all on your own, and you'll never make any progress."

"No, Patty. You know I c-c-can't b-b-" I stop midway as I begin to panic internally so severely I know I'll never get a single word out. 

Patty doesn't interrupt me to lecture me but waits for me. Is she waiting for me to recollect my thoughts, to finish what I've been trying to say, or just let me vent in my own way of experiencing these feelings, it doesn't matter. She just waits. 

"You two both hurt each other. She's probably going through a similar thing like you." 

I close my eyes, fully leaning my head back as if the stretch in my neck will help me breathe. I let out a breathless chuckle yet at the same time my vision is clouding from all the tears gathering in the pools of my eyes. "You know what's funny? Despite everything she's said to me, calling me a stuttering little boy desperate for my mother's attention, I'm still dying over the fact that I hurt her, that I made her cry. Why can't I simply fucking hate her..."

She nods and shrugs, "To be frank, Nathan, she had a point. You proved it just earlier."

I proceed to silently die in my seat over there, fully aware that everything Annabelle said, I've known all along, I just wasn't ready to admit it to myself. I want to scream out what a bitch she is, but I always end up feeling guilty and like a total dick thinking back on how I treated her, what I said, and how it made her feel - it absolutely devastated her, and to have that on my conscience is the real punishment for everything. 

Patty is observing me from the side, remaining quiet for the time being. She then suddenly shifts, so her torso, except for her pregnant belly, is turned towards me. "Listen," she reaches out with her hands and puts it on my chest over where my heart is somewhere within, "this, everything that you feel, hurts so much because you want to be with her. And you're worried about her and you can't stop thinking about her, even goddamn stalking her because you miss her and you know you screwed up. But as I've said, you can fix this. I don't know what's holding you back. Pride? Fear?"

I roll my eyes, only then realising it's even my sockets and lids that feel inflamed with a stinging sensation whenever I look around. "There's not a thing I could do t-to get her to forgive me even if I wanted to do that. I'm no g-good for a relationship, I don't und-d-derstand how you're the one trying to convince me otherwise."

Patty groans at that and gets her strict-mum voice out. "Let's make something clear. You were a great boyfriend when you decided to be that. Because you paid attention to little things, you showed affection, and very importantly, you knew how to make me laugh." She trails off for a second, gazing out through the windshield, then after a couple of slow nods, she continues with a slightly distressed voice. "It's why I'd let you get away with your stunts. When things were good, being your girlfriend was so easy. But you'd always go and do some stupid thing to me to piss me off or to drive me away. Trust me when I tell you she'd take you back in a heartbeat." She looks at me and our eyes lock for a second, except I'm looking at her in hope of trying to believe her words. "You can easily get under one's skin. Annabelle is not an exception." 

I don't say anything to that. I don't think there even is a thing I could say to that. I can wish Patty's words to be true, but that won't turn them into reality. Maybe once, a long time ago, I could be with Patty and later with Violet, but it never lasted because I couldn't go through with it. 

I whisper a reply to Patty. "I'd rather sp-p-spare myself the torture of her leaving me eventually."I do not have the strength to amplify my voice without risking breaking out tears. 

"You can never know where the relationship will take you. I don't know if Danny and I will still be together in 20 years time, but we are striving to be. But a relationship is not Annabelle learning to hate you with time. If you believe that, then that says more about you than it does about anyone else, and it's seriously high time you stop imagining everyone is like your mother. People don't just leave and stop caring about others."

I close my eyes tightly as Patty's word try to protrude through me. "I can't give Annabelle happiness she deserves. It's b-better if I d-don't try at all. I'll b-b-be fine eventually."

Patty lets out a silent sigh, a sign she's probably losing hope to convince me to believe her. 

I lean my forehead against the window, its untouched coldness calming a streak of a hot headache. At the moment my forehead makes contact with the glass, I can even believe it's all going to become easier to endure. I can believe a sweet lie that it's just this headache that is making everything seem worse than it really is. I don't need to dig deep in me to know I'm miserable, that I loathe who I've become, and that it'll take me forever to forgive myself for hurting Annabelle. 

"Okay, I'll tell you a story," Patty begins, her voice calm and silent, carrying a sense of seriousness along with it. "A frog and a scorpion both wanted to cross the river, so the scorpion said to the frog: 'You know how to swim, so I'll just jump on your back. That way we'll both get across.' The frog didn't trust the scorpion and said: 'No, you're a scorpion. You'll sting me because you can't help yourself.' The scorpion reassured the frog he was not going to do that, so the frog caved in and let the scorpion jump on his back. Halfway across the river, the scorpion stung the frog, who said: 'What have you done? Now, we'll both drown.' And the scorpion said: 'I'm a scorpion, I can't help myself.'" Patty makes a pause, letting the story sink in. "Stop sabotaging your happiness, Nathan. Don't be a scorpion."

I look at her from the side, a tear or two sliding down my face as I breathe heavily, the story hitting home too much for my comfort.

"At the end of the day, it's your decision about what you'll do. You do need to sleep on it and think about it with clear head."

When I speak next, my words come out as a sob. "Patty, I don't... I don't know how to be with her... I d-don't know how t-to be with anyone."

"There's not really much to it. You can be great, you just need to allow yourself to be that. A relationship isn't one-sided thing, both of you will have to steer through it, and if you two can do that, build on compromise and respect, then there's not reason for you to be afraid."

The silence then prevails in the car. The entire conversation is spilling over me over and over again like waves that cover the beach -  they come and retract, and come and retract. 

It's in those few moments that I don't even remember where did I leave my car, where even am I, and that Patty has a bubblegum air refresher in the shape of a pink spruce. So... I'm dying over a woman I'm falling in love with, and at the same time amazed with a pink spruce that hangs around the rearview mirror... How am I even a real person? 

My head hurts from thinking and feeling so much about Annabelle and myself. Nothing seems right at the moment, and frankly, everything feels pretty hopeless. Even hiding from the harsh truth or the beautiful lies sounds painful and terrifying. 

I feel like I'm getting feverish, and my first guess it's 'cause I was cold earlier before Patty found me, which I don't know how it even happened. Then I remind myself it's summer and I wasn't even cold to begin with. 

"And don't ever cheat on her, Nathan," Patty mentions like a very by-the-way thing, yet it's anything but that. 

I take a deep breath, there's no need for me to look at her to know what's going through her mind. "It was never because I wouldn't love you." 

She lets out a chuckle, "I know. That's why I couldn't understand why you did it. Now I know you were just being a scorpion." 

There are no raindrops against the windshield that could distract us from the silence or from this conversation. We never came even remotely as close to talking about our break up as we have now. 

"I did love you, though, Patty. It was as real as it can get for two k-kids figuring out life and messing around." 

At that Patty smiles widely, and you can see it in her eyes that in her mind she's going back in time. "Yeah, we did have lots of fun. But with all the great memories there are also really bitter ones, not to mention the questions unanswered." 

Her smile drops in a slow manner. I'm not gonna lie, that shit hurts me too right now. Instead of dealing with two women, I have to deal with three now. Annabelle, my mother and Patty - the Holy Trinity. 

"It was that one time. And just with Esther. If you were wondering about that." Patty doesn't look at me, I think we're both avoiding looking at each other at this point. "It took me years to get over you."

"Oh, I know," she grins widely like she's hella proud of herself. "It's how I knew something was wrong the moment I saw you today. You had the same look on your face when Daniel and I started dating." She lightly pats the steering wheel. "Right, no point in hovering over the past now. I'll drive us home and you can crash at our place. Tomorrow we'll go get your car wherever you left it, you lost soul. How does that sound?"

She doesn't need my confirmation to go about with her plan, and it feels good. I don't want to be responsible for any of the decisions at the moment. I'm all spent as it is. 

When she starts the car, the radio starts playing in the background, and I savour every second when I can focus on the beat of the music and not the amplified beating of my heart. 

My mind begins to drift off for the first time this evening. I don't necessarily feel good, I'm still far away from it, but at least I feel a little bit at ease. Tonight's been... exhausting. I know that no matter how tired I am, I'll still need an hour or two to actually fall asleep. All the conversations, with my mother, with Patty, it's all gonna run through my head like a train, and I'll find it impossible to calm down and fall asleep. 

A small corner in the back of my brain pushes thoughts of Annabelle before my eyes, and as I stare out the window and observe the disappearing and re-appearing line of trees along the road, I lose myself over thinking about what to do, what would be the right thing to do, and if it would even end well. Rarely all of these coincide, and if they do, they always require sacrifice, like they're some kind of ancient gods demanding to be pleased. 

Patty and Daniel's house is within my sight's reach, and before too long, she parks the car in their driveway. Neither of us leaves immediately, and if it were up to me, I'd stay in this car the entire night, wasting all these precious seconds. 

Patty puts her hand over mine and gives it a light squeeze, something she's always done when I was upset, and it's something she probably does to Daniel and Aidan as well. Then she leaves the car and waits for me to do the same. "It's not easy what you're going through. Maybe you could try and avoid it, but don't forget to make the decision, no matter what you will go for."

I follow her inside the house. Daniel seems happy to see me, and of course, I put on a show how everything is fine, even if my whole being is pulsating with uncertainty. 

I don't think I'm ready to make a decision.

A/N: There's a lot we need to let sink in, in this chapter, huh? Did Patty's reaction to Nathan's feelings surprise you, and if it did, why? And has your perception of Nathan changed in any way after reading all of this?

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