Austin leaves when Devon is full and has mashed banana all over the place. Not that I blame him, he already had to deal with the crying, I doubt he could deal with dirty diapers too. 

Before he leaves, he demands a fair glass of strongest alcohol I have in possession. I first offer him cologne, but he isn't exactly in the giggly mood. When I pour him a drink, he finishes it with a blink of an eye, quickly says his good bye and is on his way. 

I look at Devon, who's sitting in his baby chair, still looking messy and I shrug at him "It must've been traumatic for him." 

The kid obviously doesn't say anything back, all he does is look around the place with eyes so widened, I worry they'll fall out of his skull. 

I observe him and his curious spirit a while longer before I lift him from the chair "Alright, let's get you clean. Then we'll go shopping." 

I take him to the bathroom and put him in the sink, where he stays put and lets me wipe banana off his face. 

***

I am Nathan Price and I complicate everything. I live in the city, in the center of the city, yet! I decide to drive around, with Devon strapped in the back, until I come to the biggest mall possible. Ugh, why am I like this... 

When I think about it, Annabelle was being way too nice to me, giving how unprepared I am for all of this and I think about calling her again and ask her what the hell do I buy for this sack of poop I now call my son. Jesus, I still can't believe it, he's my son and I'm his Dad. 

I fetch the closest shopping cart possible, put Devon in the basket and enter the mall. I nearly have a stroke when I am reminded the mall is big and... The mall has a lot of things. This life, being a father figure, has been killing me after being one for 5 hours. I don't know what the baby needs, how am I supposed to know which brand is the best one?! 

These are the thoughts that chase me while I'm in search of the baby aisle. When I finally get there, I have another stroke. There's so much of everything...

I walk slowly by every shelf and scan the products with my eyes, hoping I'd get some kind of revelation and I'll know what to buy. Thankfully, this is the mall and storekeepers are all over the place, ready to help. 

One of them notices how lost I am, like a freaking baby puppy and she jumps to my help "May I help you, sir?" 

I barely look at her at first, as I continue to look at the baby stuff "Uh, I hope so." I look down at her and I'm blown away by sight. Well, hello there! 

Big full cheeks smile widely, white teeth light the whole place up and autumn warm brown eyes soothe my soul "I presume you're buying things for this little cutie?" 

I look at Devon, suddenly wondering where did he come from. I am still trying to wrap my head around having him and watching this beautiful woman talk to me. "Yeah, I'm just uh..." I say, trying not to show her how uneducated I am about this topic. 

"It's alright, sir. This must be your first shopping with your son?" She asks, looking more than interested to know more about me.  Baby, rip my shirt off and you'll know everything you need to know!

"Am I that obvious?" I smile, trying to be attractive, which... I always am, by the way. However, having Devon here, I begin to feel very insecure. I mean, what if the kid decides to shit himself right now?

The girl nods with a big grin on her face that is meant only for me and not for every customer that gets by and asks for advice "Yeah. You look like a typical father whose wife forced him to deal with real life."

"Wife?!" I exclaim to my and her surprise. The cute brunette peers up at me with stars in her eyes when I explain my deal "No, no, I'm not married, I-uh... I'm a single Dad." God, that sounds so fucking weird.

I spy her name on the tag as incognito as possible and Briana's cheeks flush a tad, which is more than just a plain lovely sight. After she's done gawking at me like I was listed as the sexiest man alive, she clasps her hands "Okay, so, I take it, then you need my help even more."

You know, Briana, maybe you could help me with these trousers.

"It appears so." I smile. "I know nothing about these things, so... I'm at your mercy."

She likes my comment and twirls her hair around her index finger. Wow, you're really cute. "Interesting way of putting it. First, tell me what exactly do you need for this little one." When she addresses the kid, her voice rises and to top that she pokes his cheek gently.

"I need everything the baby needs." I sigh and try to get Devon to chill when he stretches his hands to Briana.

"Oh, he's so adorable." She squeaks, then returns to her professional role "Alright, so, how old is he?"

I'm going to say it again: I am Nathan Price and I complicate everything. Of course, I haven't checked his birth date! "Uh, few months."

She blinks up at me and her smile fades. Welp, I already disappointed everyone. Great. "You don't know how old your son is?"

Oh, crap. "I-uh... I, you see, err... I adopted him and... Well, he eats fruit." I am horrified that that's pretty much everything I know about the kid. 

Briana's face softens up to the point that she could as well be looking at a fat, soft teddy bear. I don't understand women anymore. "You adopted? That is so amazing and exceptional."

Yeah, I'm an exceptional idiot, I know.

She clears her throat and tries not to make any more eye contact. When she does, she nearly collapses. When I said I'm an exceptional idiot, I meant I was exceptional, if you know what I mean! "Well, uh, if you already fed him fruit and little one cooperated, then that means your boy is growing up healthy and fast. However, you can't feed him pureed food all the time, he'll need the baby formula."

I lift both brows at the unknown expression "The baby formula?" It sounds like a potion that turns you into a baby.

"It works as a compensation for mother's milk. I take it you're not breastfeeding him." She smirks smartly at me.

Very funny. "Oh, dear, what gave me away." I smile and when she shows me about seven different baby formula products, I ask her which one is the best one. I don't want the kid to excessively start puking up all over me or in the crib. I ain't touching that shit!

She points out one of them and I take three of those and put it in my cart. Of course, Devon feels obligated to make it harder for me and tries to grab every box. Oh my god, I'm gonna run the shopping cart over you!

"What's next?" I ask her, not sure if I'm ready to face it.

"Okay, obvious things you need for a baby are diapers, a bottle and a pacifier," Briana explains and my spirits rise when I recognise the words. Maybe I am still gonna able to pull this off somehow.

She's nice enough to open a packet of diapers for us so that we can see if they would fit Devon. Luckily, the first pack is the right one and I push six of those package off the shelf and in the cart. Bottle and pacifier aren't hard to choose, but - here it comes - I'm Nathan Price and I complicate everything.

I want both, the bottle and pacifier, to look cute, almost cartoonish. In the end, I take the bottle with Minnie and Mickey Mouse, both holding balloons. When I try to put it in the cart, Devon makes a whiny noise and in panic, of course, I hand him the box. He seems to be very intrigued by it and it makes me feel proud that I finally did something good!

When I see the pacifier collection and check it out, I make my decision the moment I see the blue coloured one with text: MUTE BUTTON. I don't care if Devon will like it or not, I'm gonna buy it and he's gonna be put on mute all the time!

Briana smiles when she sees my choice and gives me a playful look. I like it when babies are quiet, but you, you can scream as much as you want!  "I presume you haven't done any research, so it'd be a good idea to buy baby powder and ointment."

I pull the bottle box from Devon's hands "Okay, what are they used for?"

"Baby powder is used if he gets a rash. Diapers can be irritating to baby's soft and gentle skin. The ointment is meant for the same thing, but it can be used to nurture dry skin too. That's why it's for the best if you have both." She explains hands me two packages of each and I take them all. "The last thing you'll need is baby oil. That's starter pack." 

"Baby oil? But I already have the ointment and the powder?" This is becoming to look ridiculous. Thousands of years ago, babies didn't have powders and oils and they were absolutely fine!

"It's for the bath time. You drop some baby oil in the water, so it's mild for their skin. Babies are very delicate."Briana says apologetically and shrugs. 

This day has been challenging enough for me and if another person will give me another reason to think about anything, I'm gonna lie down on the floor and not move again. I can't deal with any more decisions today. "Okay, fine, why not."

She probably notices how irritated I've become and the way she smiles, I gather she sympathises with me. "Then it looks like you're all packed up and ready to go."

I chuckle bitterly. If only! "I still gotta get some other things. But thanks for helping me, Briana."

"Of course, it was a pleasure." She nods, her cheeks colouring when I call her by her name.

  ***

I'm so glad I drove to this mall and not just because I met the lovely Briana. I got a chance to stock up on Devon's clothes, general food, fruit mixes for babies and most importantly, alcohol. Austin emptied my reserve.

I am waiting in the line and in a cash register that neighbours on ours, there's a woman with a baby and a little older child. I have nothing better to do than to look around, so I observe how this family life is supposed to go.

Poor woman looks like she's struggling, handling both kids, putting fresh groceries in the bag and looking for her wallet. The older kid's eyes spot the colourful wrappings of different chocolates and are deeply amazed by it. The little girl pulls on her mother's sleeve and points to the chocolates with her index. Mother shakes her head and tells her to buy it some other time and that's when the drama starts. 

The girl starts screaming, crying, pulling strongly on her hair and stomping around the cash register. Good God. I cannot hide my horrified reaction, so I pretend to look the other way. 

She's starting to make a huge scene. The mother has problem fishing out the change and cashier has to repeat the sum a few times. I feel bad for the confused woman, who's slowly losing her mind. What is worse, people look at her like she's the embodiment of a devil. Jesus, just leave her alone. 

What makes matters even worse, the youngling gets irritated as well and starts crying, dooming the mother even more. Even Devon didn't scream like that. 

An older woman who's next in line behind the mother offers to help her out with the baby, so the woman could at least pay and go somewhere private to beat the shit out of the brat. Mother says she can handle it on her own and soon she's out of the mall, soothing the baby and pulling the spoiled girl behind her. 

"You," I say and look at Devon. To my surprise, he meets my gaze. "Don't you ever try to do that to me. I won't be as nice as that woman was, you hear me?" 

The cashier looks strangely at me when she sees various baby products on a conveyor belt and then a bottle of vodka. Gotta confess it does look a bit weird.

I'll skip the part where I experienced the biggest and most intense vertigo in my life when the cashier told me the cost of everything.

I am on my way to go bankrupt and the kid isn't even in school yet!

On our way home, everything goes smoothly. When they say driving calms babies down, it's the truth. His curious eyes still follow every movement and he wants to touch and drool over everything. Whenever I take a big turn, Devon starts giggling like crazy and slapping his hands against his baby seat. 

Seeing him like that makes me smile and that's why I choose the long way home. We drive around the whole city, probably circling around certain intersections a few times. 

Devon always laughs the same way, but every time he does, it's such a delightful sound and scene, it fills my heart with what can only be described as joy. 

To my and Devon's disappointment, I have to watch over the gas and I am left with no other choice, but to park my car in a garage and put an end to the party. 

I kill the engine, climb off the car and get Devon out of the straps as well "I'm sorry, buddy. It was fun while it lasted." I say and hold him in my arms. 

We go up using the elevator and it's then when I realise what a strong baby he is. I go through a hell of a struggle to keep him away from all the interesting buttons and I thank the overpowerful force when he gives up on it and calmly sits in my arms. 

Ride up to the apartment takes about forever and my tiredness begins to kick in. When elevator's doors bring us to my apartment, I am taken away by fantasies of my bed. My legs have been killing me from standing in long lines at the cash register. 

Forgetting, I have Devon in my hands, I launch my butt on the couch and lean my back against the pillows. The kid makes a nice nest in my lap and sits up, looking around the place. 

I observe him as he does that and smile "It's quite big, huh?" Oh god, Nathan, you're too dirty-minded for saying things like that. 

When I speak, Devon turns to look at me, like he's listening intently. It's a vision to die for and I sigh in relief, rather than in pain. Maybe taking this kid home wasn't such a bad idea and I just needed to get adjusted first. It looks like I already did that and so far so good - minus the panic, that is always present. 

As I let my head rest a little and enjoy having nothing to do, Devon gets nervous and starts poking and pulling on everything. 

"No, stop it," I tell him, my voice revealing how tired I am of this day. 

But Devon's either deaf, stupid or pretends to be both, because he storms me with his hands, fingers and drools like I asked him if he'd like to play with me. 

"No, Devon. Stop!" I try a harder approach, but he's invincible even to that. 

I try squeezing his cheeks and pushing him down the couch, but nothing helps. He always crawls back to me and whenever he does that, he starts annoying me right after it. One time my sleeve is incredibly interesting, next time my jeans' belt holes, then he thinks he should try to eat one of the mini couch pillows. 

I try to do my best to make him stop. I try pulling my sleeve from his hands, holding his fingers and removing them from my jeans and even throwing pillows to the other side of the couch. I even try telling him to leave me alone for just two minutes in this whole day, but you guessed right, he doesn't really care about that. 

What I still find almost unrealistic, is how stubborn that kid is. He even climbs back on my knees and finds other, to him, important stuff to do, which only annoy me. Before I know it, I'm almost wrestling with a baby, holding his hands in the air, so he can't touch or do anything, but that's the time when he starts drooling and I can only follow the sound of his saliva hitting the fabric of my jeans. 

My breath hitches and I feel how my guts tighten in anger and rage. These... are Tom fucking Taylor trousers! 

"WILL YOU STOP?!" I groan at him and he suddenly stops to just glare at me. Oh, no. 

He keeps an eye contact with me, not looking anywhere else, but in my soul.

"No, no, please, don't.." I plead and quickly grab him and press him against my chest. "Don't cry, don't cry." I plead, again and again, then I feel his fingers play with the buttons of my shirt. Did I just get played by a freaking baby?!

"You little douchebag," I say. Lifting him, I place him back on my knees and promise him I'll lock him in the crib if he won't stop being annoying. 

He gives me some peace and time to clear my head and cool down from our argument. I argued with a baby, what the fuck. Whenever I look at him, I almost ask myself, why did I even get an infant? It's not that I people try to ruin my life, I do all of that instead of them. Patty, for instance. We broke up, because of me, then I accuse her of being a whore. No wonder, she's mad at me. Then May - I've always been mean to her, but because she was annoying and stupid, and now she's even swallowing her pride and talk to Patty like they were some old friends, just to hurt me. Let me not mention Annabelle. I went on a freaking date and when we were about to do the deeds, I told her that was the only reason I came.

Now, all my problems seem to be connected to women. It ain't my fault, I'm an honest guy and they're so sensitive. Okay, I like femininity, I don't exactly want to have sex with a woman who is hairier than me, but calm your tits. 

But, having problems brings me to Devon. I didn't tell anyone, but... When Sue asked me during one of the solo interviews, who I'd like to adopt - boy or a girl, toddler or a little older child - I said I have no preference. So, this drooling and crying and poking, that's all my fault. I should've told her, give me an angsty teen, so I'd only have him here for two years, then he'd be 21 and would leave for college. But, nooooooooo! 

When I feel like a sudden rush of heat on my right knee, I realise Devon's a cold-blooded baby. Then, when I think about what could get so damn warm all of a sudden, I realise my suspicions are correct, even though I don't want them to be. 

"You didn't-" I say and look at Devon, who's facing the other way. "Did you?" I ask, not sure I want to know the answer. 

Devon turns his face to me and giggles really quickly. Sooner than later smell is all over the place. 

"Oh- GOD!" I groan and cover my nose and mouth with my elbow. This is fucking disgusting and he's laughing at me! 

Devon continues to giggle as I suffocate on this ghastly smell. How could one banana do this to him?! His laugh is loud until it suddenly dies down. His expression is serious and his eyes are regarding me with caution.

"Dev-" 

And as I say it, he opens his mouth gloriously wide and starts screaming at the top of his lungs, his cries booming throughout the apartment, nearly causing my brains to liquify. 

"You asshole!" I scream at him. I am damn aware that kid knows what he's doing, he did this on purpose! 

I lift him in the air and carry him to the bathroom, his feet dangling in the air. Too late, I am reminded, he shat himself. When I carry him like that, poop starts escaping his diaper and leaves drops of trace on our way from the living room to the bathroom. 

You're gonna clean this shit with your tongue!

I put him on the changing table and stare down at the brown goop that looks like it's going to explode in the diaper. I proceed with caution and pull on the side string of his diaper. It falls apart and stench slaps me in my face. 

"Oh... N-no.." is all I manage to say, but thankfully I turn towards the toilet in time. I lean over it and empty everything I've eaten in the last week. Whenever it feels like it's over, I smell the odour again and my stomach twists in sync. I hadn't thrown up like that since I was 19. 

When I am coughing the bitter, green thing mixed with saliva, I see myself for as pathetic as I am. I can't even change a diaper. I can try, but that means I'll be reminded what bile tastes like. How could I ever believe I could take care of a fucking baby?! An evil mastermind at that!

Devon doesn't stop crying. To my luck, he's only moving his head and for now, this pile of poop he made, is still kept in one place. I get up, my ears full of pressure which is successfully muffling the sound of his planned agony. 

I tower over the changing table and try to gather the courage to approach this calmly and collectively. I pull on the string on the other side and stink explodes around us. I wonder if Devon's crying because he can't believe how much he can fucking smell or because that's just laughter hidden behind cries because he knows how to systematically ruin my life. 

"No, I can't do it," I say and leave him in the bathroom, closing the door and leaning against the wall. 

I cough when I breathe the fresh air. I feel like I just came out of a burning building, only that this is probably even more dangerous than carbon dioxide. This is a freaking atomic bomb!

"I need help.," I whisper. "I need help, I need help," I repeat the sentence as my mantra as I slide down to the floor against the wall. I nearly start crying at this chaos. I put my head in my hands and whisper desperately "I can't do this... I can't."

I fish a phone out of my pocket and stare at the screen. I can't even think of anyone to call because of Devon's persistent screeching in the other room. I can still hear him, despite the fact walls are soundproof. 

I think about calling Patty or Daniel, I even think about Annabelle, who was of great help the last time, but I call none of them. I'm already terrified to death, I don't need any of them to rub it in my face, which is one of the reasons I don't even think of May. I have to find someone neutral, someone who wouldn't judge me for every piece of banana I fed Devon. 

I type the phone number I never naturally would and which I used nearly a year ago. When I hear the beeps as I call, I ask myself what am I even doing. But this poop situation broke me in half and as a result, I have no pride or dignity anymore. 

"Nathan?" I hear a voice on the other side of the line. 

I cry in the phone call, pleading like a humble believer "Mum... Help me.."

A/N: I dedicated this chapter to FallenAngel128 because she gave me a close-up to all these baby things <3 This chapter would be a mess if it weren't for her

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