~ a few weeks later ~

"Nathan, what were you even thinking?" Even my father couldn't believe I almost went through with the adoption and what made the matters worse, he was pleased when I told him Mr Brandon Ritchie had crossed my plans. 

Though, he didn't show any interest when I asked him to keep it all calm because I was in a store, pushing a shopping cart around the store and among countless shelves. "Dad, I'm in a public place, could you please not scream at the phone so much? Also, can we talk about anythi-" I didn't want to discuss my ultimate fail. I was already feeling bad about everything, I didn't need anyone else, especially my Dad who's close to me, to tell me I'm a big dumb idiot. 

He didn't care much about how I was going to defend myself and he coldly interrupted me "I swear to God, son, I sometimes don't understand you." He took a small pause, then returned with even a bigger scolding hour "I don't think you're shy, overall uncomfortable or lack confidence. Pff, what am I even talking about, I know none of those things I mentioned describes you! There are no barriers on your way to pursue a woman and build a family with her! Just look at yourself in the mirror, look at your social status, look at the apartment you own and you still think adoption is the only way?" While he was speaking, I sighed a few times and pinched the area between my eyes. The scene just wouldn't end and I was getting tired. But then Dad said something that was stronger than caffeine from six coffees and 4 red bulls mixed together. "Is this about Patty?!"

"What?!" I choked out. "No!"A guy who was looking for frozen pizza anxiously glanced at me. Maybe he thought what I yelled was meant for him. I stiffly pushed the cart and ran away from his disturbing sight.

"Are you sure?" 

"I don't need to explain myself to anyone, I'm a grown man!" I barked back into the phone and after I calmed down, I proceeded "The adoption was my idea, okay? It was a bad one, but hey, who cares." I knew I sounded like a pissed off teen who just got into high school, but I was in no mood to build up a special, organised character in control. My Dad didn't say anything, he waited for me to say more. He knew if I ever talked about my own feelings, I talked about them only with him and nobody else. "I was just... Getting really excited about it."

Dad knew what every word I uttered meant. He understood how I felt if I swallowed the last syllable or if I raised my voice at the end of the word. "I'm not trying to offend you, but maybe it's for the best. Raising a child is not an easy job, it's a huge obligation that demands your whole world to shrink from fun, job and women to the small body in a crib. I know you could pull it off, but no one really knows what it's like raising a child until they actually have one." 

"I know, I know. But it wouldn't be so hard for me as everybody thinks. Okay, maybe I'll have some PMS syndromes, but every parent has them. The child wouldn't be in any great danger of starvation or hatred if it was under my care and you know it! I took care of Aidan for so many times, I can't count them on fingers of my both hands." I stopped next at an aisle with chips of all sorts. Flavours glared at me invitingly, sour cream & onion, cheddar cheese, salt & vinegar, barbecue, multigrain, baked potato, grilled shrimp, tortilla chips and millions of others. They were all calling me, whispering my name and I asked myself if I was in a self-destructive mood. Yes, yes, I was. But I didn't take the chips.

Dad's voice was reassuring and soft, like always when he spoke to me and I was getting emotional. He's been nothing but supportive of me and even when I was crumbling down and drowning in self-pity, he found a way to make me feel better on the inside. Sometimes that was confirmation what bad luck I have and how I don't deserve it, sometimes he'd just listen and every now and then murmur 'Mhm', 'Yes', 'I see' or 'I understand' and sometimes all it took was some cruelty and reality, then I managed to use my stubbornness in a good way and picked myself up. "I know all about it, son, but watching over a kid for one weekend or constantly being one's hawk isn't the same thing. I don't doubt you'd be a good father, but let's just say things sometimes happen for a reason. Maybe now you'll change your mind about finding the significant other, who knows." 

"No." I barked. 

"Nathan," 

"No, Dad. I'm sick of talking about this with pretty much everyone. Everyone's been trying to change my mind about it, using a reason I'd be happy if I changed my ways. But you all fail to realise, I'm happy the way I live and the way my life is organised. And I'm happy there is no serious commitment in my life except for my job, which I adore." I was done explaining this to so many people. Maybe that was so because nobody would listen and they'd just keep pushing it their way, no matter what my interests were. 

Dad didn't hang up, but he did remain quiet. I knew how much he was unimpressed with the way I've lived, but he never criticised me for it. "Alright, if that's what you want. But I think you're making a mistake. I'm almost sure you'd enjoy having a girlfriend or a wife." 

Usually, someone mentioning the 'w' word would make me explode. I despise marriage. No one in the whole fucking world will convince me into marrying anyone, anywhere, anywhen. No way. But Dad didn't mean anything bad, he was just hoping to bend my knees, which would eventually make me change my mind. "I don't like the thought of doing that anytime soon." While talking, I glanced at my shopping cart and its contents and I am remembered by the view that I really really really need a new cologne. The last one I bought soon became a subject of worshipping. I got all the sweet ladies with it. But I did run out of it when Austin dragged me with him on a date.

He chuckled just like he did whenever I called him as a kid and he and Mom were already divorced. "You really are one of a kind, son." 

"Thanks, I try." More chuckling followed from his side, but this time it was contagious and soon I was chuckling along with him. I walked past the fruit and veggies section as I continued to talk to him "How's Deidre?"

His chuckles died down and after a brief moment, he sighed "Nathan, you don't have to ask me about her. I know how you feel about it." 

"What? Dad, I asked you about her because I want to know." I protested and checked a cereal box with forest fruits on the shelf before I put it back where I found it. 

"Are you sure? I can tell when you're lying." 

I shrugged and stopped the cart "If you really know me, then you're aware I don't do things unless I want to." 

Dad laughed loudly and I had to hold the phone a few inches away from my ear. Hearing his laughter over the phone wasn't the thing I appreciated. It was always too loud and booming, but in my early teens, I found it comforting when I got the chance to hear it. In reality, though, his laughter could brighten up any mood and cure serious mental illnesses. "That's exactly what worries me." He laughed again and after he finally stopped, he took a breather first "Yeah, otherwise, she's okay."

I could feel the bitterness in his voice and I let him find the power to tell me on his own. During the waiting, I walked around the store some more and got myself a loaf of cornbread. One of the best things in the world. 

"She's still bugging me. Well, she never stopped." He finally said it and even I froze in my place, with my hand still in the air, holding onto the loaf of bread. "Might as well give in." 

That hurt me more than it should. Dad having a new kind of family. "Y-you will?"

When Dad spoke again, his voice was full of regret. Maybe because I didn't get his joke and it made us both feel a bit depressed about it. "Heads up, kid, it was only a joke." He forced out a chuckle that sounded more like a sob "A bad one, apparently." 

"No, no, no, Dad, I'm sorry, I just... I don't know, I guess I kinda expected you to give in eventually." I stuttered in the call. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes to get my life back on right tracks. 

He scoffed so loudly his phone barely processed it and I nearly went deaf by the crackling sound "No woman will ever convince me into having more children!"

I laughed at how easy-going he was about it and I began to push the cart slower when I reached the long wall of refrigerators, full of milk and milk products "You sure she isn't powerful enough?"

"Pretty sure." He said reassuringly and truthfully "You remember what I told you when Deidre first started with 'I want more kids' thing?"

"Still, things can change," I said and took a random carton of milk, making sure it's 3,5.

Dad's voice changed completely. The moment I heard how he began to speak to me, I was taken back when he moved to Chicago. We'd talked every day and he would always tell me how much he loved me. That right now was the same voice. "Things between me and your mother didn't work out, but I know she gave birth to great kids and I love you all. I don't need more than what I already have and I don't want it either. I have Deidre and I am happy with her, she's a wonderful woman, but Daniel, May and you are the only kids I want." 

"Dad..." I murmured and stopped in an aisle where no one else seemed to be shopping. I hated that man for how emotional he could make me. Whenever we shared a moment like this, my heart's desires were the same as twenty years ago when I just wanted to be next to him and tell him in the face how much I always loved him. 

"I feel the need to remind you, you were the only one planned, Nathan." 

I was left laughing until tears sprung to my eyes. Maybe those were from laughter or from the previous launch of emotions, but it didn't really matter. I heard him laughing on the other side of the line as well and it warmed my heart. "The only one planned and the only one to be the most disappointing. Seems logical." 

"Bah, Nathan!" He growled at me "You are anything but a disappointment. So, this adopting thing didn't work out for you, but many other things did. Nobody becomes the head engineer just like that."

I smiled at the thought. Hearing it coming from him made me feel more confident and prouder. "I suppose so," I said when I heard the door close on his side of a line and figured Deidre probably arrived home. 

He first mimicked me "Suppose so, suppose so. Be proud of what you've accomplished, Nathan and you're not even halfway through." Intonation went down when he said through and I knew this probably meant goodbye. "Son, I gotta run. Talk to you soon, a'right?"

"As always, Dad. Bye." 

"Bye." He was the first to hang up and after the beeping sound that announced the call has ended, I put the phone in my pocket. 

I was roaming the market for a while, just thinking about the conversation I had with Dad. He was loving and supportive, but he was also appalled when I told him what I came up with, that being the adoption. When Daniel glared at me in disbelief and Justine secretly arranged a meeting with a psychiatrist for me, I was offended. It always made me believe they thought I wouldn't have been a good father. Dad reassured me he knows I'd take a good care of the kid, but I still had him on suspicion he was glad the adoption went bye-bye, so maybe I'd start thinking about starting a relationship. 

One last thing I needed from the store was the cologne. I always left it to be the last thing on the list, so I could find the right cologne in peace. I didn't like thinking about more things at the same time. 

I went past a few aisles before I reached the one that specializes in deodorants, shaving creams, perfumes, soaps, razors, toothbrushes, toothpastes and colognes as well. Everything was in its place, except for one thing that really captured my attention. The familiar redhead. 

There was no point in me hiding and honestly, I didn't even think about doing that. Why would I? I'm a regular guy, a human. I needed supplies and one way to get to them was walking to the store. There was nothing strange here. Though, I admit I was feeling nervous. Under normal circumstances, I'd probably pray the redhead wouldn't be Caitlin, but after what happened between me and Annabelle, I wasn't sure I wanted to see her either. 

I slowly walked closer, pushing my cart forward as silently as possible. I was three, four feet away from her and she didn't seem to notice my presence. I thought about just sneaking the first cologne on display off the shelf and throw it in the cart, but when she turned for a degree or two and I got to see more of her face, I knew the redhead was definitely Annabelle. 

Liked it or not, I was nicely surprised when I saw her again. It could be that she now looked much better than after the unfortunate car incident. Again, she looked so normal and so wonderful. I bet any man who ever threw a look at her, rested his eyes and whether that was on her face, the way her hair fell down her back, how she crossed the nice legs or when they wondered about her cleavage. I, of course, liked the sight of everything. 

In the end, I pretended I didn't really notice her, even though I was kind of creeping my way closer to her. My eyes flew over the names of colognes and the companies that produced these tiny bottles, but as I said, my eyes only flew over them. I didn't read anything. I didn't know if I was looking at the Old Spice's, Axe's or Malizia's offers. 

I carefully looked at her with the corner of my eye and barely turned the face. She was inspecting some female product and probably wasn't even aware it was me standing next to her or you know there was anyone standing next to her, which is possible as well. 

Then it happened. 

She barely lifted, averted her glance towards me and for a quick moment, our eyes met. I quickly looked away and pretended I wasn't staring at her like some old perverts do while hiding in the bushes. 

"Nathan?" She uttered out my name as if I was a piece of dog's shit that got stuck on the carpet and she's finally gotten rid of it after trying to do that for weeks. 

I looked back at her and I was all humble smiles and innocent eyes "Oh, hi. Didn't see you there. How are you?"

"Bullshit, you did see me. I saw you looking at me." Well, you are a direct little woman, aren't you? 

I let out a nervous chuckle which has become a weird habit of mine when facing an uncomfortable situation with women "I just wasn't sure if it really was you."

She lifted a brow with me and the way she crossed her arms told me she was not amused, not even in slightest "Is that what you say to all women with whom you try to sleep?"

Wow, what happened to the shy little baby red? "No, Annabelle, I just saw you for one time and that was weeks ago. And I didn't really know you live here nearby since you didn't let me drive you home."

"No, I didn't and if I could give myself a hug of a-good-job-well-done, I would do it every day." She barked and stared at me with her blue eyes that now reminded me much of Caitlin's icy stare. 

"I take that you're angry, okay? I'm sorry it happened that way, my intention was never hurting you. It was a misunderstanding from the very beginning. And if you allow it, can I just get what I need, 'cause that's the main reason I came here." I had no idea for how many times would I have to tell her I was honestly really sorry about the way the evening ended. God, if she knew what a bad conscious I had after she yelled at me and later wouldn't stop crying, she'd think I had a split personality disorder. 

Annabelle shook her head and looked back at the product she was looking at earlier. I tried to pretend I was looking for that damn cologne that I needed, but that weird-ass silence between us blocked the stream of my thoughts. I was this close to just grabbing one of the Calvin Klein's colognes and rush away, but Annabelle suddenly turned to me with her lips still pouting and her arms still crossed "Is that how you usually get your dick wet?"

I sighed and closed my eyes. For God's sake, woman, I apologised! "No. My usual go is the club where I meet women that only want to sleep with me." 

The corner of her lips twitched and I wasn't sure what that meant, but her eyes did soften a little and I couldn't stop wondering why. "You've been staring at these colognes for 10 minutes straight."

"And you've been looking at that very one product for 20 minutes, so..." I said back and shrugged when our eyes met. 

Boy, I still remembered that electricity that coursed through my body when she practically jumped me. When I looked at her like that she was all cute jackets, regular T-shirts and jeans. Really nothing special. If I saw her on a street without knowing her, I'd say she's the kind of girl that overall just loves to cook, is happily married and only likes slow sex in one position that being missionary. But hell, Annabelle was anything but slow sex in one position. That night she was all over the place. 

"What are you even looking at?" I looked at the thing she was holding in her hands. 

I expected her to bark back an insult, but she just replied like we were friends since high school and accidentally met here in the mall after all these years "Sports tampons." 

"Sports tampons? How many different tampons do you women need, Jesus." I exclaim in that groany way. I just wasn't getting it. One hole, one same problem, 605 different products. Why? Just why?

She leaned her head back and rolled her eyes. She just wanted me to see how exasperated she was with my question "Nathan, you'll get that question answered once you become a woman, okay? And don't ask such things again, because we, women and girls, hate explaining period and period related stuff to men and boys. Got that?"

I widened my eyes and furrowed my brows in confusion "Why do you all women react like that when we ask something like that?"

She looked at me. Her eyes were still, her mouth tightly pressed together and her expression gave me an idea what my funeral just might look like "I just answered your question."

Okay, whatever. I pretended I understood her. Every muscle in my body, every vein, big or small, every cell that I owned tensed, so I kept myself from making probably one of the greatest puns in the century 'You're so snappy. What, are you on period?' And I was glad I didn't pull a stunt like that. "For your ballet lessons?" 

She nodded slowly and again, I could see that non-enthusiastic smile. She smiled the way people smile when they don't like, but don't hate their job at the same time. "And you're looking for cologne because today will be one of your rampage evenings?"

I chuckled quickly. That was pretty funny. "No. It could be, but it isn't. I need a cologne because I'm an orderly man. I can't decide between Burberry's and Calvin Klein's." 

"Is that your way of showing off your finances?" She scoffed and kept checking out different boxes which all said SPORTS TAMPONS. 

"No, I just need your advice. You're a woman, you know what smells better on a man." I said, smiling slowly and widely, hoping to soften her up. 

She rolled her eyes again, but this time she did it with a smile. I didn't ask her for any advice because I just wanted to get her attention, but because I was facing a real dilemma. I had many colognes, most of them, if they were pricey enough, smelled fairly nice. But now I wasn't sure for which smell did I want to go. "You know, both Burberry and Calvin Klein have many perfumes." 

I lifted up two bottles. Calvin Klein's box was white or dirty white, whichever, while Burberry's was dark blue. "Ck One or Weekend?"

She looked at both and took Calvin Klein's in her hands. She opened the box, sprayed perfume in the air and leaned into the tiny drops of fragrance. She did the same with Burberry after waiting a while for her smell to get back to normal. "Well, they are both nice," She started when my phone rang. 

I checked who was calling me and knitted my brows when the caller wasn't known to me. "Sorry, I gotta take this. It might be about my job." She didn't seem to mind that at all, which was surprising. Women usually went from lady to ghetto when I wanted to answer the phone in their presence, but not Annabelle. No, she just went back to smelling the perfumes I placed before her. "Hello?" 

"Hello, Nathan, it's Sue." 

Holy mother of biscuits! My heart leapt into my throat and I anxiously glanced at Annabelle in case she may have heard the loud and sudden rush of adrenaline I began to feel coursing through my body. "Sue, hi." 

"Yeah, hi," She giggled, "I'm calling you about the adoption." 

"Yeah, I figured," I said, but I let hope and confidence on some other coast, as the desperation took their place. 

"I got Brandon's report and he specifically mentioned the couch seems to be very fit for a young child." Even Sue was weirded out, but who knows what else did that freak write in the report about me. "Brandon's a bit strange, but he always gets a job well done. I'm sorry it couldn't be me to do the home study, but... I figured that might not be the best idea." 

I nodded and smiled like some freak who couldn't decide which reaction should he go with. "I know and I admire how professional you are about it." When I said that, Annabelle looked at me curiously. 

"Oh, thank you. You are very nice. And charming too." There was that giggle again. For Annabelle, I gestured the call was important, but I let out the part where important means Sue will just clarify and make Brandon's words official. "So, we need to meet again. More interviews and of course, you gotta choose the baby." 

My stare didn't move from Annabelle's eyes. She was becoming worried about me and even mouthed if I was feeling okay. I couldn't respond to her because I was still trying to understand I have just heard. "What?" I said quietly, on a brink of whispering. 

"What do you mean 'what'?" Sue laughed excitedly. "You're gonna get through with the adoption if you'll hang in there. Brandon approved your place." 

"I can... adopt?" I said in the same manner as before. I was becoming aware of the things going on around me and I clearly saw Annabelle's expression. It was weirded, grossed and freaked out. She had no idea what was going on. 

"There are still things to do, but for now you're one of the potential candidates," Sue exclaimed. 

Because I didn't say much else, she kept on rambling what other things do I need to do, like bring someone for a reference and such formalities, but eventually, she hung up because she was in work and she had a job to do. 

When I accepted the fact I just might become a father to a kid, I was able to continue functioning like a human being. Annabelle was looking somewhere else and I just wanted to run to her and hug her and scream at the top of the world. 

I looked at her with a big smile that stretched across my face. Even if I wanted to, I couldn't remove it. It was there in all pristine truth and happiness. "I'm going to adopt." Once I said that out loud, it all became even more real. I was going to adopt. "I'm going to adopt," I said again and chuckled. The tension of this euphoria I was feeling drained all of my oxygen. I was breathless and if music was a bit louder, I'd probably grab Annabelle and whirl her around a few times. "Annabelle, I'm going to adopt."She nodded and remained quiet."Oh shit, I was so nervous about it. I was really convinced it was all over!" I couldn't stop myself from babbling and wailing my arms all around the place. I was barely keeping the energy for myself. "Wow, can you believe it?" I asked her and then I noticed she wasn't really smiling, she looked annoyed. Maybe she tried to adopt, but it didn't work out for her? I didn't want to waste my energy on that, I just wanted to be as content as I was now. 

She grabbed the box of the tampons that I didn't believe they even were the sports tampons and was on her way to her checkout. 

"Hey, where are you going?" I asked her and held her under her elbow. 

Annabelle stopped, but when I touched her she didn't flinch. She calmly got rid of my hold and without dashing me a look, squeezed a box with a bottle in my palm. Then she walked away. Annabelle's chosen cologne for me was Lacoste's Challenge.

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