I got attached to you and you left me.

~

Stuck on You: Kapitel Neunundzwanzig

I had done it again.

I had given Ivory that sliver of hope and snatched it away from her hands.

I had given her the expectation of having a family with both of her parents present, double the amount of love and affection, and I took it away from her without a single thought, a single care to the world. 

Though, I couldn't understand why I would pick the choice that I made.

I told him to meet me at the park across from our favorite restaurant. "What's the matter, love?" I gritted my teeth as I watched his hand reach out to caress my cheek, flinching and moving away from the unsuspecting hand. I kept my gaze on the floor, knowing that if I so dared to look at him, I was going to burst into tears. I could tell that he was confused, judging by the pause in his movements.

"I-" I began to speak, biting my lip. This was going to be extremely difficult. I could already hear my heart breaking. "We need to talk, Santiago." I mumbled in a soft tone, the breeze from the wind doing nothing to calm the bubbling heat of my skin because I knew what was coming. I could tell that he was taken aback by the hostility in my tone as he furrowed his brows out of the corner of my eye. He was trying to figure out what had happened to make me be this standoffish towards him. The last time we had talked, I had given him a kiss on the cheek before leaving for work.

"What is it, babe? Something bothering you?" I hated how loving he was even if I acted like an asshole to him. It was inevitable and I knew I was going to regret it every single day for the rest of my life. I hated how caring he was towards me because it made things all the more harder. "Why won't you look at me?" I squeezed my fists tightly, sure that blood was oozing out of the wounds that my nails made. I had to rip the bandage off, one way or another. 

"Xenon knows." Two words yet a lifetime of meanings behind it. "Oh," That was all that he managed to utter out, understanding what I was about to tell him. I wished that someone had told me that love was an abstract topic that I should take caution to. I didn't want to cause him this pain but I couldn't bear it if anything happened to him because of me. I couldn't bear it I had given up my dream and loved him with all I had, only to turn around for him to tell me that I was a burden to him.

Then, I'd truly have nothing.

Santiago took one good look at me and as sharp as he was, it didn't take long for him to put it together. "I don't think we can be together anymore," I whispered hollowly and dead, the murmur of my voice cracking the silence of the air. I wished someone had told me that this would be one of the dumbest decisions that I would ever make in my life. "It's not that I don't want to because trust me, I do," I could already hear the unsaid words. Then why are you giving up on us? "But our situations won't allow it and there's too much to risk." I lamented, feeling my heartbeat pounding as my eyes filled with tears. I finally got tired of looking at the ground, silence emerging between us. 

There, it was out now. 

Then I finally looked at him. There were no tears in his eyes, no sign of sadness. I was now one of the people beyond the walls around him. There was no more seeing that playfulness of him, or seeing the way his lips quirked up when he found something amusing. There was no more of that.

"I see." 

His voice was rigid and cold, seemingly heartless. "I got carried away, thinking that I was important to you." He automatically stated as he took a step back, not flinching. I could feel the tears threatening to slip from my eyes. Here I was, giving up the greatest person I had ever had the pleasure of knowing, someone who treated me so beautifully as if I was some prince. All for what? The safety and the security of my dreams? I had to face it. Sooner or later, this would've happened. After all, I am a man of the law, a man with honor and integrity and he was the very man that I was taught to identify as the enemy.

But that didn't stop it from hurting. 

It fucking hurt. It was fucking deplorable. It was fucking traumatic, saying goodbye to someone who I'll never get the chance to say hello to ever again. I'll never be able to roll over and see the drool coming out of his mouth and falling onto the pillow as if he had no care in the world. I'll never be able to see that Santiago that I only saw beyond those walls that he put up in front of everyone. It was hard because we had promised each other forever.

I ruined it.

"Santi, I," I went to speak, voice shaky and whatnot but he shook his head, taking a step back. I could sense the change in him. Gone was the Santiago Luzardi that I knew from long ago. Standing in front of me was that indifferent, austere and cold-hearted kingpin of the Zonglovia that everyone else knew. He shook his head once more before turning around, aura stony and hostile.

"Let's go, Milo. We are no longer needed here."

This time, it wasn't him leaving me. It was me leaving him behind.

Days will turn into months and those months will turn into years. Even so, I would always remember the way he touched me as if he was afraid to let me go. Almost 16 years of love just tossed out of the door like that and I had no one to blame but myself. Regret stirred inside the pool of my stomach, constantly reminding of what I lost. I had made him feel so special all of those times, even yesterday and the day before but today and forever more, I made him feel utterly unwanted. I was going to live with the consequences of letting him go. I should've told him I loved him and that he was the better part of me, the sunshine to my rainy day, but that chance flew away. I guess this was what people meant when they said you never know what you have until it's gone and once you have lost it, you were never going to get it back.

Jesus Christ, did my heart burn like a motherfucker.

"Brad, why are you so silent? This isn't like you," I turned to face my partner, knowing that the eyes of the captain were always on me. "I'm fine. Why do you ask?" I replied in a calm tone, not really listening to anything. I felt as if I had lost my entire world, shattered in the blink of an eye. "It's just that Gomez called a 10-24 a few minutes ago, and you're not even the least bit curious as to who murdered someone. Your mind is not even working correctly as it should be." He peered into my eyes and I sighed.

I had thought that everything would've been okay.

Turns out, I had lost my will to do what it was that I enjoyed doing.

I had lost my motivation.

What if it was because all those years ago, Santiago and I had promised to achieve our dreams and now that I didn't have him, this dream seemed pointless?

But what about when he left? I kept striving. I had a feeling that it was because deep down inside, I knew that our love couldn't be extinguished that easily. I knew that no matter what, he would always come back to me. "Just what did that bastard tell you the other day? Did it have something to do with a certain crime lord?" Alex raised a brow and the sullen look on my face affirmed everything that he had conjured up.

"That's just not right," Alex slammed his desk, garnering attention from the other cops around as he stood, storming to the back of the station. "Hey, Alex, what are you doing?!" I screeched in alarm as my eyes widened, anticipation creeping over. He didn't even knock as he stormed into the captain's office, all rationale thrown out the door. It wasn't long before his voice started to rise.

"You're really going to sacrifice your best man's happiness and work ethic over something as trivial as being in love with a mafia lord? Especially when he has never compromised anything in the past! Are you fucking kidding me, Xenon!?" I could hear Alex's yelling and I placed my hand on my desk, wishing that I could disappear. "You know full well how much Brad loves this job and you're using that to your advantage, you god damn asshole! You know damn well that man would do anything for us," More like Santiago would have done anything for me if it meant that I could keep my job. "He has bent over backward for us and you have the god damn nerve to treat him like this?"

My mind went to December of 2007.

"Like that singer Bruno Mars said in his song," Santiago grinned as he swung me around his arms, eliciting a chuckle from me. "I'd catch a grenade for you, Anthony. Come hell or high water, I'd do anything for you. Please do your best to remember that."

It made me question if he died every day all of those eight years to make it back to me just as much as I did. Then why would you give everything up? Do your dreams matter that much? Does your love for him mean nothing to you? At this point, I had no idea. I had let myself out for the day, making my way to a cold and distant penthouse, where I knew Ivory and her babysitter would be waiting. Ever since I had told her that it would be a while before she could see her father again, she has hated me. 

"Ivory, what would you like for dinner tomorrow?" I managed to get out but she refused to look at me, folding her arms. She shrugged, frowning as she stared at the wall. "I don't care." That was all she said and it was enough to tug at the strings of my heart. I truly failed her this time and I didn't know if there was anything that I could do to fix it. I wanted to talk to my dad and see if I could rectify things, but he would tell me things that didn't matter, things that would confuse me. 

He had come back into my life abruptly, throwing it into shambles. I had wanted to hate him for the longest but it turned out that he didn't leave of his own volition and like clockwork, I let myself fall ever deeper. I let myself fall despite the impending consequences.

Did I make the right choice?

Only time would tell.

I, with little reluctance, let her go over to her friend's house. She didn't want to spend time with me and I gradually comprehended the feeling.

She had refused to make conversation with me and it hurt. Though, I understood why. "Where is your daughter at?" David questioned as I slunk back into the couch of Ray and Derek's house, making way to eat my lunch. "She's at her friend's house." I stated. I hadn't told anyone of the events of the last two days. How could I tell them? There was no way that I could.

"What the hell are you eating?" Derek scrunched his face up as I stuffed my cheeks full of food. "Leave me alone, I'm trying to eat my feelings." I chewed on the salmon and peanut butter goodness, wishing that I had some whipped cream to top it off. I was extremely sad and it hurt to think about anything else. "Yea, but that's not normal." Micah pointed at my plate and all of a sudden, I felt the stinging feeling of bile shoot up my esophagus. I slammed the plate in Micah's hands, hustling towards the bathroom. 

"Blegh!" I coughed once I hovered over the toilet, seeing all of my meals merged together. God, what was this stomach bug? I breathed heavily, using toilet paper to wipe my mouth. I hated feeling like this. "Are you okay?" I heard a voice as I flushed the toilet, leaning against the side of the bathtub. "I don't even know." I mumbled hoarsely, the coolness of the porcelain taking away my excessive warmth. "I've been feeling like this for the last two weeks. I don't know if I'm sick or what." I closed my eyes as the two of them stood next to each other.

"Oh ho," Derek chuckled. "It isn't a sickness." He bent down to look through his cabinets, searching for something. "Here," I blinked my eyes open to see a box held out in front of me. "You're going to need this," I furrowed my brows deeply, taking it from him. "A pregnancy test, what?" I sputtered, wondering why they came to this conclusion. "How did you know you were pregnant with Ivory?" Demetrios asked out of the blue and I stood up slowly, not wanting to believe where this conversation was leading.

"I didn't know. I didn't have morning sickness or headaches like most people do nor did I have intense cravings. I had thought I had a stomach tumor until I went to the doctor's," I explained, remembering that time of my life. "It had been about two months when I found out that I was going to have a child." I shrugged, looking at the box in my hands. "Humor us please," Derek chimed in and I gripped the box tighter.

"Yea, okay." I motioned for them to leave, closing the door and removing the test from the pink box. I didn't know it but my hands were shaking. I was scared, terrified—I didn't want this to be true. I didn't want this to go out the same way that it did when I had Ivory. I didn't want to be alone but that was my problem. This time, I was the reason why I was in this situation. I was my own worst enemy. I closed my eyes, a bout of nausea washing over me as I followed the instructions of the test, peeing and whatnot. When I was finished, I had to wait three minutes. 

Those three minutes would be the game changer of my life.

"You can come back in." I opened the door, jittery and fearful. They didn't know why I was so scared. I should've been jumping for joy at the opportunity because I told them that Santi wanted a family. He wanted this. "Are you excited, Brad?" Derek clapped in glee. "I won't be the only one now!" He was so happy and I wanted to be happy with him, but this would mean that everything would be different. Nothing would be the same. "Yea. Something like that." I muttered weakly and I felt Demetrios staring me.

As my best friend, he knew something was up. There was no way that he didn't. "Do you want to look?" Derek asked and I declined, not wanting to face reality yet. There was no way that I could do this without Santiago. He nodded, picking up the stick by its end. He stared down at the glass before looking back to me, his face unreadable. Anxiety consumed me as he handed it to me. I didn't want to know but I had to know. I bit my lip, willing myself not to cry as I feasted my eyes at the symbol, horror shaking my soul as my worst fear was confirmed.

It was positive.

"O-oh." I sniffled, not realizing that tears were already falling down. Derek mistook my tears for happiness and he cheered as he ran out of the bathroom, leaving me in a hole of anguish. "Are you going to tell him?" Demetrios asked and I sighed, shrugging. He had got what he had asked for but at what cost? 

"I don't even know anymore."